Am I the only one trying?

T

theoldertheshaw

New member
I have a “kind of” update for all those who helped me in the past. Basically, I should have listened and I recognize that I might have dug myself into a hole.

In past posts, I described a scenario with a partner who caused me a lot of stress. He was:
1.Scared of being involved in polyamory
2.Has emotional issues and trust issues from his past
3.Is afraid of getting into a relationship while in graduate school

I probably should have let it go when I was rejected the first time but, I didn’t. Now he has grown so much in the past year. Now he:
1. Is involved with me in a somewhat romantic and sexual relationship, though he prefers to keep it un-named. Which is fine by me.
2.Has made a lot of progress with trying to show me he cares and intimacy
3. Says he is about 90% less concerned with being involved in a polyamorous relationship.

During the past year, we worked through these issues. He has pulled away on and off. Generally, things have gotten better consistently over time. Some advice I was given was to work on accepting that he doesn’t have the same feelings for me that I do for him. I want to accept this relationship for what it is and what it can give me. But, I am afraid that despite the growth, I am being stupid about it and that I have ignored the advice to stop trying so hard. I have basically created a relationship entirely driven by me.
Now, here is where I may have messed up by not giving up on the relationship. He is out of the state for two months for research and I usually initiate contact. Since being gone, it has been 5 days and I have heard nothing from him. Usually, we don’t go more the 4 days. But again, that is because I won’t let it.

Now here is my situation:
1. I love him but, he does not share the same feelings
2. I am afraid that if I don’t put in the effort, everything will fall apart.
 
I'm sorry you're in that situation. I was recently in a similar situation with a partner; I loved him, he stated that he did not love me, and we only had contact when I initiated it. I can only remember twice that he texted me first; once was to confirm plans, and once was to cancel different plans. We also only got together if I asked whether we could.

That relationship ended a month ago, because I was tired of feeling like I just wasn't good enough for him to text or see, let alone love. At the time I ended it, we'd only seen each other once in two months, and that was only because we ran into each other somewhere, and we'd exchanged maybe half a dozen texts.

Being in a relationship with an emotional imbalance can be painful for the one with deeper emotions. (Probably for the other one too; I haven't been in that position.) And having an imbalance in who initiates contact not only can be painful in its own right, but can serve to amplify the emotional imbalance (e.g. "If he loved me he would contact me, so this proves that he doesn't love me," which may or may not be a rational thought.)

It sounds like your relationship is important to you, and you want to continue it. I'm afraid I don't have any advice to offer for that, only support and validation for your choice and your feelings. My *advice*, on the other hand, would be to end the relationship, because you are being hurt in it and it doesn't appear that things are going to change.
 
Let me try to sum up what I understand in my own words to make sure I get it right:

  • You pursued the guy and have been dating for the last year or so.
  • You don't label it, but are in a romantic and sexual relationship.
  • He has made a lot of progress with trying to show you he cares and intimacy.
  • He says he is about 90% less concerned with being involved in a polyamorous relationship.
  • You are worried you are still way more into him than he is into you.
  • You are afraid you have basically created a relationship where you do most of the work and he gets most of the receiving.
  • He's gone for 2 mos for research. You usually cannot go longer than 4 days not talking, so you usually reach out to contact him. This time? You have waited. It's been 5 days. You want him to contact you, but you are getting worried he won't.

  • You are worried it will demonstrate that you really DO put in most of the work in this relationship.
  • Or worse... it won't just be like he's slower and takes 6-7 days to contact you. It will be like he doesn't contact you the whole 2 mos at all.

Is that the worry?

If so? I think you could contact him and be ok with being the one to initiate contact. Meet your own need for more frequent connection. (Is this the first time he's been away this long?)

If this is not the type of relationship you want? Like you can accept it is 60% you initiating - 40% him doing it. Not everything has to be perfectly 50-50. But if it more like 90% you and 10% him? And that big a disparity is becoming a burden to you?

Could use the 2 months apart to really think about whether or not you want to continue dating him like this when he is back.

Maybe you have a talk about a fairer division of labor and he steps up some while you adjust expectations some. Like you worry after 7 days not 4 to make space for him being slower than you on phones and stuff.

Or could talk and maybe you both agree you are too different and decide to part ways. Had a good run for a year or so and enjoyed it while it lasted. Bit not deeply compatible after all.

I suggest you sort it out one way or another.

Galagirl
 
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If I were in your shoes and had the perspective I do now I would worry less about the relationship falling apart, and more about what will happen if you overgive, and it’s not reciprocal.

I did that so long— in so many ways— from the only one trying to make it fair to the only one scheduling to the only one introducing to my family— and it leads to BAD burnout.

Burnout sucks. And then your need to recover affects all your dating. And your life.

Almost as bad as no reciprocality is just enough to make you hang in.

If you’re getting this, you deserve WAY better.

Maybe downshift him to a lot less of your life— and up shifts othwr things— so when he contacts you it is a nice surprise, but not necessary?
 
Hi theoldertheshaw,
I remember your first two posts:

Your boyfriend doesn't seem to feel as strongly about you as you do about him. Yet, he does continue to date you. I am wondering if he is just not a very emotional person, like he doesn't feel things in general as strongly as most people do. He is obviously a very smart guy, but not very good at maintaining relationships.

You could have a talk with him, letting him know what your minimums are for maintaining this relationship. Like you need him to initiate contact with you at least once a week. Rather than always waiting for you to be the one who contacts him. This is a talk you would have with him if you want to keep trying in this relationship. You seem to be at a place where you are questioning that.

It seems a shame to break up with him when he has made so much progress over the last year. Yet, you have to ask yourself, are there some things about him that are never going to change? and if so, can you live with those things?

I hope the forum helps you in this dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

― Maya Angelou
 
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