Amazing romantic r/s with my bf but we just don't seem to be sexually compatible

Oh good. I am glad he values your pleasure too. There is no shame in being relatively inexperienced. Enthusiasm and willingness to experiment are of more value in exploring sex in my opinion.

I wasn't as clear as I had hoped. I realize you have not decided if PIV is something you want to explore or not. I know you are still mulling. My thoughts were more along the lines of if you decide that either PIV is just not something you want to try, ever, or if you do try it and find it's not for you.

Casual sex is not for everyone. It's cool you and your boyfriend just don't want to go that route. However, I still encourage you both to think seriously about dating separately. And by dating, I mean seeking out more romantic relationship type connections with others. It's easier in some ways to find casual hookups to experiment sexually with. Finding compatible romantic partners who also are interested in both of you is a whole other level of difficulty. It's not impossible. It's just really difficult.

For some reason, many couples seem to think that seeing the same person will make things easier. This is often utterly untrue. It makes things harder AND brings in someone else entirely new into the dynamic. It's not easy to date separately either. But it is a more straightforward and, sometimes, more honest approach (in my experience at least.) Of course, your mileage will vary.

Lastly, educate yourself about the actual risks of different STIs. (cdc.gov and http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/ are my go -to sites.) Consider the risks you are willing to take and those you are not. It is broadly true that the more partners you have the more at risk you are of being infected by an STI. However, the reality is so much more complicated than that statement. Just know that focusing on romantic connections will not protect you from STIs. Viruses, bacteria, and fungi do not give a shit about how trustworthy someone is or how they really want romantic relationships, not casual sex. All they care about is the availability of a vector to spread through. I was infected by HPV after being with 3 people. People who have hundreds of sexual partners somehow manage not to get the most common 'STI' - HSV1, or cold sores. (I put STI in quotes because I got cold sores from family members when I was a child.) Be very cautious about conflating 'wants relationships/not casual' with 'trustworthy' and 'does not have STIs'. None of those things have anything automatically to do with each other.

I see people conflating those three things all the time. I strongly believe they are deluding themselves about their actual sexual health risks and, sadly, putting themselves and others at greater risk. It's a major pet peeve of mine in sex positive and other similar communities.

I do not mean to imply that you are dumb, ignorant or haven't thought about these issues. It's just that I see these type of patterns about relationships, casual or not sex, and STIs pop up all the time.

pixybixy said:
Hi opalescent, yes, I agree with your above points. Many others here have also concurred with you on these.

Ah, thanks for the advice. Others have also given similar advice here! (Sorry guys, too many posts, too many users...I'm lazy to pick out your exact names haha. But you know who you are!)

Yes, especially wrt "eat your pussy like there is no tomorrow". That said, there is room for improvement. Same for myself. Let's just say we both aren't very sex-perienced!

Yes, he cares very much about my pleasure. I think I might have unintentionally portrayed him in a negative light! For the record, my bf "does care about what I like and want and is willing to provide that to me". :)

Thanks for the tips wrt the types of penetrative sex and anal.

You have a point there about unintentionally objectifying someone else, hmm.

Yeah, I understand that the probability of finding someone who can "happily meet those needs, and get off on doing so" is very low...
We have an agreement not to date separately or engage in casual sex. We are very particular about STDs.

I wish to clarify a few things at this point:
(1) I will not say that I will never be into PIV.

(2) Yes, PIV is very important to him. He is frustrated that he is not getting PIV. BUT he's not frustrated that I am not providing PIV, makes sense? In other words, his frustration revolves around the the lack of PIV (as a sexual act) rather than the lack of PIV from me specifically. Which means as long as he gets PIV from elsewhere, he will be fine.

Yes, I'm sure he is :)
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It sounds like the best route for you to travel is to find a woman that both you and your boyfriend can enjoy. This way he can get the penetrative sex that he desires, and you can get some fulfillment on your lesbian side. And, you don't have to date separately. I hope you'll have good luck in your search, and that you'll post some more, and let us know how things are going.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Kevin, you're coming down on the exact opposite advice of everyone else. Have YOU read, So Someone Called You a Unicorn Hunter?

I had to laugh: I think there is no reason to ask why a man would enjoy putting his penis in a vagina and orgasming there. It's a basic instinct for a straight guy... It's what nature wants us to do to produce offspring.

That said, I wonder why pixy said her bf has read here for a long time and yet is so set on "couple privilege," "primary/secondary," and "unicorn hunting"! Those things have been discussed ad infinitum here as being detrimental to successful polyamory. (Do a search or tag search, there are hundreds, if not thousands of threads on those topics.)

A more subtle issue is one others have come down against is "looking for a partner to fulfill a specific desire." I think we all, poly or mono, straight or gay or bi, search for lovers to satisfy certain desires, even if we do it unconsciously.

Personally, I am in a long term relationship with a woman (I am a woman too, we are both bisexual). She and I have great sex, but it's different from sex I have with men. Even relating to each other non-sexually is different from how I relate to men.

So, in the past year when I was seeking a male partner, I was definitely looking for someone to meet certain sexual and relationship desires I have that I can't get from my partner, or any woman. That just seems sort of obvious to me. I was also looking for a... person, and actual human being (not just a cock with a body and head attached) and I know each person is unique and brings different things to me.

And I start dating a guy a month or so ago (after chatting on OK Cupid for a few weeks to establish possible compatibility), and we've been hanging out often. :) Things are going quite well, and now I feel myself in balance as a bisexual woman. As I have in the past when I have had other nice boyfriends.

My female partner and I have never felt a desire to find a (male) unicorn to satisfy our desire for men. We seek different kinds of men, different types of approaches to the sex and kink we want. We have had a lovely relationship for over 8 years never sharing a partner. Our other partners are never a threat to our relationship. Quite the contrary, the men merely complement and enhance what we have together.
 
Haha, the bottom line is that all couples and throuples are different. Sometimes unicorns do work. It depends on the individuals involed. It depends on what "the couple" wants, and what "the unicorn" is willing to accept. I'm easy.
 
kdt26417 said:
Haha, the bottom line is that all couples and throuples are different. Sometimes unicorns do work. It depends on the individuals involed. It depends on what "the couple" wants, and what "the unicorn" is willing to accept. I'm easy.
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I know you're trying to be nice, but... Why suggest or encourage it if there's only a tiny fraction of one percent chance it could work?

It just doesn't even seem, in this case, to be at all a good idea. Both partners want different things from another partner.

And then you used the word throuple! Argh! *banghead*
 
Actually I think the chances are better than a tiny fraction of one percent.
 
kdt26417 said:
Actually I think the chances are better than a tiny fraction of one percent.
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Kevin, while I'm not sure I would second your advice to find a unicorn in this case, it's nice to see you stand against the crowd.

Let him live people, it's just a comment.
 
@ Tinwen ... thx :)

@ dingedheart ... very funny :cool:
 
The needy one

Magdlyn said:
That said, I wonder why pixy said her bf has read here for a long time and yet is so set on "couple privilege," "primary/secondary," and "unicorn hunting"! Those things have been discussed ad infinitum here as being detrimental to successful polyamory. (Do a search or tag search, there are hundreds, if not thousands of threads on those topics.)
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I used to have an account here many years ago, but I can't find the account ID anymore. In fact I think, it was linked to an email account I had purged at the end of a relationship 5years ago.

So here I am, THE BOYFRIEND,. The needy one. Let me answer few things here first.

I am not delusional about the prospects of finding the proverbial unicorn. And we really are not actively looking for one. However as of now, we do not wanna date anyone independently. So the only dating is going to be someone we can date together, otherwise we would stay the same.

Let me explain a bit here, even if I think words could fail me to convey everything. I also doubt, how relatable it would be to others here.

One of the things I see here on polyamory.com being overlooked is; cultural background of people other than from the West.

A sizable number of people here in the east are not so fiercely independent as you may think.

For example, live in relationships are still rare here, many women in their mid 20s or even in their 30s are forced to live with their parents until marriage.

All these social norms also have an effect on people's psyche, including the feeling insecure, even when there is a slight deviation from the norms.

So the ideal, liberated world of non-hierarchical polyamory may not work with the same amount of success here in the East; unlike in the West.

I have seen Magdlyn's or someone's remarks on how pixybixy should date someone else, if we both want different things sexually.

But you have to understand dating scene is not like a free for all buffet here, going on dates sometimes are even frowned up on. So people generally treasure the partners they have. And I guess, it also contributes to significantly less divorce rate(6.6% to 7.2%) here compared to 50% or so in the US.

So yeah, let us just say changing partners here is not easy at all. Not saying it is easy anywhere in the world. But here it is even more tougher.

Finally, there are aspects of personal struggles, that molded the basis of our relationship. Those were the things that brought us together. Each other's support has been integral part of both our continuing recovery from some of those predicaments. So I can say that, as of now, we both are not independent enough to date individually.

I am sorry, I tried to express myself as clearly as possible. I am not trying to sound rude. Today is one of those darker days I have to face as part of the on going struggle. Guess that does have some effect on how I write. Please bear with me.
 
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Hi polypotato, welcome back. Thanks for giving your perspective on things.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi polypotato, welcome back. Thanks for giving your perspective on things.
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Thanks Kevin. And thanks for the kinder words earlier too. I am sorry that, you were blamed for wrong advice. Let me assure you, that I am not delusional to blindly follow any advice. And your suggestion is as welcome as everybody else's. And they all give me different perspectives. As you said, not all the situations are similar.
 
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Oh wow, I guess giving advice across cultures might be a bit tricky. It's interesting.
Would you mind specifying a bit more where you are from? (I'm from central Europe, "East" could be anything from Turkey to India to Japan.)
 
polypotato said:
... people generally treasure the partners they have. And I guess, it also contributes to significantly less divorce rate(6.6% to 7.2%) here compared to 50% or so in the US.
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It's economic freedom of women that drives divorce rates, not how much partners treasure each other. I'm also curious what you mean by "East" but in any culture where women have little economic independence, the fidelity to male partners will be a very high rate. Female non-monogamy and specifically polyamory flourish much more in the West, not because women do not treasure their partners, but because women in general have far more economic freedom than their counterparts in your part of the world. Social expectations and pressures crumble awfully fast where money flows in to afford opportunity.
 
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Re (from polypotato):
"Thanks Kevin. And thanks for the kinder words earlier too. I am sorry that, you were blamed for wrong advice."
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Thanks man. I did not mean to give bad advice, I just thought it was the right thing for me to say at the time.

Re:
"Let me assure you, that I am not delusional to blindly follow any advice. And your suggestion is as welcome as everybody else's. And they all give me different perspectives. As you said, not all the situations are similar."
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Yeah, I tend to think that a variety of advice is a good thing, it doesn't always have to be everyone saying the same thing.
 
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