An introduction of myself and our new poly relationship

G

gandalfthegamer

New member
Hello everyone. I've been directed to this site by someone I just started talking to, and I finally decided to go ahead and make a post of my own.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years now. We have 2 children, a teenager, and one slightly-less older than that. From the beginning, even when we were "dating", my wife has never felt the desire to be monogamous, so when we got married, we agreed to have an open marriage, with appropriate boundaries and rules of course. I myself never found anyone else to be open with in those years - not that I really looked too terribly hard. I looked off and on, and just didn't have the energy to pursue much of anything beyond casual looking around on dating sites. That said, I have met a few people for coffee, but there has been nothing beyond that for myself. In fact, I stopped even looking a long time ago, and only recently started actively poking around again.

I've always had a difficult time with the open marriage aspect though. I've had more than my fair share of fits of jealousy, anger, and depression. It doesn't help that I wasn't exactly the most attentive husband either. I was so focused on work and finances, that I grew complacent and neglected her needs. I would go through stages, much like a roller coaster where we would be in this "up phase" where things were going well, but then we would hit this "down phase", where I would get too focused on the wrong things again.

Anyway, back on the other topic... One of the main rules we had in the beginning, was that we would not allow polyamorous relationships. FWBs were fine, but there had to be caution to not let any emotional attachment to happen. As time went on, my wife did have to cut off a few relationships because they started to head into the direction of attachment - I know that was difficult to do for her, I know she cared for the people that she had to do that to...but we had our rules, and she stuck to them.

We recently moved to a different state, and this past November, she met someone with the intentions of just hanging out, not even FWB. Very quickly she realized that she was falling in love with him instead, and he to her as well. This time, she didn't want to fight it, because the attraction they had for each other was nothing like she has ever felt in her life. Soul mates is what she called it - he was her other half. We discussed things, and we decided to move forward and see where this went. I almost felt like I was in between a rock and hard place here. Yes, she gave me the opportunity to say "no", that this wasn't OK. So I had a decision to make. Do I tell her no, and force her to continue to push people away that start getting close to her? Knowing that she is - by nature - non-monogamous? Knowing that could keep her unhappy, not being able to live the life she wanted/needed? Or do I say "yes", and try and put aside my issues, knowing it would be a very difficult struggle?

I felt like I owed it to her to say yes. All those years of complacency, and emotional neglect, I needed to do something that I knew would make her happy. So, I told her it was OK, knowing that there was no going back on this. That he was very likely going to be here for life.

It most certainly has been extremely rough. On the positive side of things, I've learned to communicate with her in a way that I had never been able to in the past - and that has helped immensely. With that in my pocket, I've been working hard on repairing the damage that I caused from the past years.

I will end this by saying that my wife and I still very much love each other, and are continuing to do our best to work everything out. We have no plans on the situation changing, either between her and I, or her and the other guy.

...I've got a lot more to say, but I feel that I should write up a "Part 2" or something, else this will end up becoming a terribly written novel.
 
So you're now entering a true poly understanding! Jealousy can be worked through.

I'd be uncomfortable if my nesting partner told me her new boyfriend was her soul mate and her other half. What am I, chopped liver? That is mono thinking. If she wants to be a good hinge, she has to find emotional balance between both partners.

You can work through your jealousy issues if you feel safe and secure and feel like she won't up and leave you for the other guy. Which wouldn't even be poly, it would be serial monogamy.

That said, if you've been emotionally distant for more than a decade, and also have veto power when she did start to feel deep feelings for another, a healthier way of going is to be more caring to her, and part of that caring is to understand limiting her emotional response to others, so that you can avoid jealousy, is cruel.
 
Hi gandalfthegamer - welcome to the Forum! I've been here since December, when my wife asked me to open up our mono marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings about an old college boyfriend. While it was a real challenge for me - since mono would still be my preference - I did find that participation in this forum was helpful in coming to terms with a poly marriage, and achieving a reasonable level of comfort with the idea - hopefully you will as well. Best of luck on this new phase of your "open marriage" journey! Al
 
Greetings gandalfthegamer,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are getting things worked out with your wife, and the other guy. Not that it is easy, and not that there aren't further challenges on the road ahead, but I believe you'll be able to work things out. Glad you could join us, and let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks everyone for the replies so far. I've got a lot of reading to do, and will definitely post a "Part 2" like I promised, as soon as I gather all my thoughts in some form of logical fashion.
 
Part 2

Alrighty...so, as promised, here is the next part of my story. Bear with me, it's probably terrible to read. I'll try and categorize things to make reading easier...maybe.

Is it Really Polyamory?
I had an interestingly short discussion with my wife the other night. She doesn't believe that she's poly at all...that what we have might have some similarities, but she doesn't believe it fits into any specific poly model. I'm not sure what to think on the subject, and to be perfectly honest, what is the point of labelling anyway? I hate labels - they cause other people to assume that you are this and that and the other thing because of the label, even if you only "agree" with subsets of what that label actually means. Confusing? Hopefully you get what I mean. Our relationship is what it is, and no label puts any meaning to it. There is no need for a definition.

How the Hell Did We Get Here?
We recently moved about 1000 miles across country so that I could work at home and get away from snow (man I hate that stuff - but the new commute is AWESOME!). In doing so, I know that I pulled my wife away from many friendships...and I do feel bad about it. But, I did make sure that we did this as a team. I wasn't going to move if she didn't want to (the kids may have objected, but, well, it wasn't their decision - and before ya'll gripe about us pulling them away from their schools - we homeschooled them, so, that made it easier). We had other reasons to move as well, but I won't get into them, as they really aren't relevant here. Anyway, she has always stood by my side when it came to career choices. I can never repay that. So, moving. Yeah. My wife had a lot of friends, be them platonic, or FWBs. So this was a difficult choice for her. But she did it. Within a few months of moving, she had met someone online for the sole purpose of just getting out of the house - there were no intimate expectations or wants at all. Long story short...that quickly changed when they both realized that they liked each other more than just friends. That was a fun conversation to have, on Christmas Eve. On my perspective, it went from "he's just a friend" to "I'm in love with him" just like that.

Oh My, the Difficulties...
So of course, this started an insane journey into "poly life". Back in the beginning I swore I would NEVER be OK with this kind of relationship. But here we are anyway. Things change. Rules we once had in place slowly changed and melted away. I'm not even sure we have any specific rules anymore. I can't say that I was terribly comfortable with the whole "open" thing, but if you read my introduction, maybe you can surmise as to why I let it go on like I did. I had so many fits of internal rage and jealously and self-worthlessness and so on and so forth. How many times did I want to kill myself? Too many. Obviously, I never went through with any of those thoughts, for various reasons - and thank the gods for that. I will at least admit that I did inflict physical pain on myself, once or twice, but being a pansy about pain, it never got very far. I don't do that anymore, if you're wondering, and those were the first times I ever even thought about doing that.

I am a very jealous person. But I'm trying to learn to not to be. I can't say it's easy, oh my god, it's not. I'm trying to learn compersion, I've looked into Toaism, I don't like to read, but I'm reading things left and right now. Honestly, all I want is for her to be happy...but I secretly want to be sure that part of her happiness includes me. I know that's counter-productive...how do I move past that? I don't know. I need her in my life. I feel less of a person without her, and I know that's a root of a lot the issues. I'd be lying if I told you that I've never cried thinking about a life without her. But we all know it's inevitable. Nothing is guaranteed. I could be hit by a semi tomorrow. She could drown on one of her kyaking adventures. The possibilities are endless. I know I have to find happiness within myself, hence the research into Taoism. But, geez is it difficult.

The sad thing is, I took martial arts for over a decade, and even helped teach in the latter years. I was SO happy having that in my life, I was in the best shape of my life, and was genuinely HAPPY - even being single. Unfortunately, I injured myself during a public demonstration (tore my meniscus), and didn't have finances or insurance to take care of it. So I lived with the injury for years until I had a decent job with decent insurance, and eventually had the surgery that I neeeded. Of course, by then, I had been long out of practice, had moved away from my instructor, and forgot so much of the material that is wasn't practical to get back into it. At this point, being 38 years old...as much as I think it would bring me happiness to find something to get back into...I don't know that I have the drive to do it, and there are serious limited choices in this small town. /sigh

What About the Marriage?
I took my vows seriously, as I am sure my wife did. But at this point...the label of married is completely pointless - other than for legal reasons, in her eyes. Since nothing is permanent, as talked about earlier, there's no guarantee that she'll still love me tomorrow. Ugh, wait, isn't that OPPOSITE of the vows we took???? Blugh, anyway, in the few short months that she's been with this other guy, somehow he has already "risen" to the same level as I am, with regards to relationship status. There is no primary, there is no secondary. Apparently we are both the same. Nevermind the 14 fucking years we had together (sorry, that's my jealously coming out). But seriously. How can someone just jump on in, and in 6 short months become the same as you? Does the history not mean anything? I get it, I was NOT the greatest husband. Yes, I am absolutely changing that (and thank the gods she acknowledges that the roller coaster ride appears to have smoothed out, so I must be doing SOMETHING right).

What About the Children?
Ok, so. My wife and I have 2 beautiful children. One of them is our teenaged daughter, and the other is not-quite-so old, but not young boy. Fairly recently, my daughter brought up this other guy to my wife's mom. Now mind you, my wife's mom is totally in the know of what's going on. Long story short on this one, we had to "come out" to her...somewhat. She understands that my wife is in love with this other guy, and that there are no plans for things to change between my wife and I. Interestingly, she said it was "weird", but she's OK with it. Our son is not in the know, and we don't plan on letting him know until he mature's a bit more.

Part 2 Conclusion
OK, I am TOTALLY drained after all of this, but I still have so much more to say. I'm going to have to do a "Part 3", if ya'll can bear it. The topic will be "And What About That NRE?". Dear gods, please don't get me started now on that, I can't handle the emotional drain. That in of itself is a damn novel.

Thank you all that read this. Any advise is well welcomed. I have opened myself up like I never have before, and it's nerve-wracking.
 
Magdlyn said:
So you're now entering a true poly understanding! Jealousy can be worked through.

I'd be uncomfortable if my nesting partner told me her new boyfriend was her soul mate and her other half. What am I, chopped liver? That is mono thinking. If she wants to be a good hinge, she has to find emotional balance between both partners.

You can work through your jealousy issues if you feel safe and secure and feel like she won't up and leave you for the other guy. Which wouldn't even be poly, it would be serial monogamy.

That said, if you've been emotionally distant for more than a decade, and also have veto power when she did start to feel deep feelings for another, a healthier way of going is to be more caring to her, and part of that caring is to understand limiting her emotional response to others, so that you can avoid jealousy, is cruel.
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Yes., yes, and yes. I have done my best to revert myself back to the days when we first met. Letting go of societal norms of what I should be as the breadwinner...giving her the time and attention she deserves, and needs. It's only been a few short(?) 5 months or so since I've changed...though it seems like an eternity: I wish for things to be back the way they were in the beginning, and it hurts when I still don't see a change in her. But I realize that time is the only remedy for that. She waited so long for me, it's only fair that I give her the time she needs.
 
It definitely sounds like your wife has some NRE going on. Six months is a lot less than 14 years. Not that there's much you can do about it, she has her autonomy, and NRE is hard to reason with. You can only choose your own actions, while hoping that she won't abuse this new freedom, and that the new guy won't abuse this new status.
 
Your wife is "in love." Which means, she is infatuated. NRE lasts about a year on average. Real love grows through more time than that. We all idealise our new lovers, and we also put out best foot forward. Once a year or so of frequent contact goes by, the rose colored glasses come off, we see our lover's faults and bad habits and weaknesses much more clearly.

That is when real love starts. When we see their faults and love them just the same, if not more.

It sounds like your marriage needs work. You've neglected your wife as you focused on your career. You've neglected her emotional and sexual needs. Now you want to make it up to her, since you fear losing her to her new guy whom she calls soul mate.

You sound rudderless at sea. Do you need therapy? Internet advice can't heal your psyche, or your marriage. This might be more than a problem with polyamory, but a problem with your soul, and your marriage.

Wife sounds like she is escaping you by enjoying her crush. How will you regain closeness, if you ever had it?
 
Mags has it right. Also, things got better for me when my wife and I accepted that falling in love and growing in love were 2 different emotions. Not everyone believes that, but I do. I find thinking of it like this helps with security and jealousy. The 14 years you have generates a love that cannot be replaced or rivalled by a 6 month infatuation. The link I gave earlier provides my reasoning.

Additionally, there is the concept of polyamoryville, which explains the 'honeymoon' your wife enjoys with the other guy.

I hear that NRE and jealousy are pulling you and your wife apart in different directions?

Finally, your story reminds me Icesong's blog, from about Feb 2015 onwards.
 
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Let me add some additional context, in response to the last couple of responses, and maybe that will add some additional helpful information, I was going to explain some of this in a later post, but since it's come up now, I'll address some things:

Yes, our marriage did/does need work. We did A LOT of that this past December/January, and it's ongoing. My biggest fault, aside from the neglect, was the inability of myself to communicate. Anytime anything difficult would come up, I would clam up like nothing else. I always blamed that on my childhood - it was the same response I gave when my father would yell at me constantly and tell me things like "you will never amount to anything" and "you're stupid". I understand, now, that blaming my childhood on my reaction was a scapegoat. And I don't do that anymore.

My wife and I have had dozens and dozens of very difficult, and very long conversations (as in hours and hours almost every night for at least a month). All of which I opened up and communicated to her - fears, expectations, feelings, etc. And we addressed practically every damn issue we have had in the past decade, and we both came to communal understandings. I have also had many conversations with her other half, both difficult, and not. All three of us have sat many times and talked the night away.

Do we need therapy? No, I don't think so. I think we did that on our own. I don't think she is escaping me with this other guy. Why do I think that? Well, in the past 5 months or so, I have completely changed. My priorities are on her and us (and him too). I spend my spare time next to her when she's home, doing things for her (because it makes me happy), instead of sitting at the computer working or playing. So many other things that I "forgot" how to do, I am now doing again. And I don't plan on reverting back.

I know she see's that I've changed, she's even explicitly told me that she has. Honestly, if she was going to leave me for another guy, she would have done it already. She has had plenty of other opportunities to do so...but she didn't. Instead, she cut off those relationships because she still valued ours.

Yes, things are still difficult, and the key to why I think this will work is the fact that I don't hide my emotions anymore. And I talk, honestly and freely.
 
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Welcome to the board.

I'm sorry you are struggling though. I'm going to ask you some things. I mean them kindly, ok? :eek: They may not be what you want to hear. You also don't have to answer here... but I urge you to think about them as you figure out what it is you want from this experience and what it is you want from your marriage and your life.

I think you could benefit from some soul searching and figuring out what it is you really want and need from Life.

Poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks that were already there before Opening. If you are not starting from sound foundations, you might have to take the time to repair foundations first. Or you might choose to not invest in building anything new here and bow out.

One of the main rules we had in the beginning, was that we would not allow polyamorous relationships. FWBs were fine, but there had to be caution to not let any emotional attachment to happen.
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What was the purpose of this agreement? What was the need for caution? What was the "danger?"

What makes it different now? What made the "danger" go away? Has it gone away?

I am a very jealous person. But I'm trying to learn to not to be.
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Why do you have to learn not to be? Why not listen to the high alarm jealousy telling you that you are doing behavior that goes against your grain in a big way instead?

Usually when a fire alarm bell rings, people try to put out the fire or simply get out of the burning building and call professionals. They do not take a hammer to the smoke alarm so it is easier to ignore.

You don't have to be doing this. You do not have to participate in poly if it is way trigger-y for you. You could part ways amicably, co-parent, and be good exes. Then you are free FROM any poly stuff that causes you this much pain. And she's free TO pursue poly on her own.

Is this option not on the table?

I need her in my life. I feel less of a person without her, and I know that's a root of a lot the issues. I'd be lying if I told you that I've never cried thinking about a life without her.
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Is that why? She's your crutch? And you don't know how to stand on your own two feet? :confused:

Why the fear of letting the romance shape go if it's not been that great of a fit all this time? She's still going to be around as your co-parent. You are not willing to learn how to be good exes and friends? Practice a relationship shape that fits you guys better?

I wonder if you are only doing poly so as not to let go of the marriage shape. Is that true? :confused:

If the past was (doing wonky marriage that didn't fit her so hot... how is (doing wonky marriage that doesn't fit you so hot) supposed to help? Isn't it easier to let the wonky marriage go and focus on building something not wonky that fits you both better? Like doing (good exes and good coparents)?

I know I have to find happiness within myself...
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What are you doing toward this direction? How does doing things against your own grain bring you joy? :confused:

I had so many fits of internal rage and jealously and self-worthlessness and so on and so forth. How many times did I want to kill myself? Too many. Obviously, I never went through with any of those thoughts, for various reasons - and thank the gods for that. I will at least admit that I did inflict physical pain on myself, once or twice, but being a pansy about pain, it never got very far.
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Have you sought medical attention for this? Or at least removed yourself from high stress situations that lead to this and then started to seek medical attention?

Are you going to listen to the fire alarm, or keep on ignoring it? How loud does it need to ring? Until you have a nervous break down? :(

I do not see how taking poor care of yourself is something to be proud of that will bring you joy. :(

Could you be willing to stop calling yourself names and being your own self bully? Could you be willing to talk to yourself with a little more dignity and self respect? You are going through a lot of suffering. There is not need to add to your already difficult burdens by being your own bully. Being your own self bully is nothing to be proud of. You are not going to be able to hold yourself in high esteem if you do that kind of behavior.

Could parting ways romantically be better for you in the long run? Like taking the pot off the burner rather than keeping it on the heat waiting for it to overboil?

How can someone just jump on in, and in 6 short months become the same as you? Does the history not mean anything?
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Because neither of you is the same person as you were when you first got together.

If at 20, I know NOTHING about cooking, it takes me a long time to learn how to make a decent cake. I bake a lot of rocks and duds. At 40, now that I've figured out the cake thing, it takes me a lot less time to figure out how to make muffins, pies. I've had other experiences and I'm not starting from zero like before. Am I not supposed to learn from my experiences? :confused:

But that part isn't your problem. Whether your wife is in NRE, or has different skills than when you first met her, or if this really is a solid relationship she's building with BF or a passing infatuation...

Your problem is "Do I even want to be here doing this?" If you do not want to be in an Open marriage dealing with this sort of stuff... why are you?:confused:

But I realize that time is the only remedy for that. She waited so long for me, it's only fair that I give her the time she needs.
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Nope. It was her choice to stick with you and wait. This one is your choice. That part is fair. That you each get choices to make for your own selves.

If you don't want to clock time here? You don't have to. You don't have to be doing things you don't want to be doing to "make it fair" because she chose to be doing things that she did/didn't really want to be doing in the past. It's not your job to "carry" her.

You can say "No, thank you. I don't want to clock any time doing this. Especially if it sets off all my alarm bells. I prefer to now out. I love you a lot, but not even for you will I enter into things that hurt me. Where you choose to go now? There I cannot follow."

If you do not really want to be here and are going against your grain and risking your health in a big way just to remain in her orbit because you don't think you can live without her and she's your crutch?

That's not you doing open/poly because you love to do open/poly.

Could be more helpful for you to face all that rather than keep on avoiding things and drag it out.

I don't think making new mistakes to "atone" for old ones really solves the old ones. Just makes new ones and digs the hole deeper. That's not behavior you can be proud of. Which means you cannot hold yourself in high esteem for doing it. Your self esteem takes a ding because you are not doing self respecting behavior.

Part of self respecting behavior is obeying your personal limitations. Not doing more than you can do. LISTENING to your alarm bells, rather than trying to ignore them. Not doing things you really don't want to be doing. Making the hard choices rather than hiding from them.

I suggest you do some soul searching. Do you really want to be doing poly? If you could have your ideal situation... what would that be?

I wish for things to be back the way they were in the beginning
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What does that look like? Is is that you and wife now want different things and have grown incompatible? Are you guys trying to square peg round hole?

Galagirl
 
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Shaya said:
Mags has it right. Also, things got better for me when my wife and I accepted that falling in love and growing in love were 2 different emotions. Not everyone believes that, but I do. I find thinking of it like this helps with security and jealousy. The 14 years you have generates a love that cannot be replaced or rivalled by a 6 month infatuation. The link I gave earlier provides my reasoning.

Additionally, there is the concept of polyamoryville, which explains the 'honeymoon' your wife enjoys with the other guy.

I hear that NRE and jealousy are pulling you and your wife apart in different directions?

Finally, your story reminds me Icesong's blog, from about Feb 2015 onwards.
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Thank you for the links. I will check them out.
 
GalaGirl - thank you for that thoughtful post. Let me take some time to address some of the things you brought up (see my last post as well, as I think that will explain some things too).

What was the purpose of this agreement? What was the need for caution? What was the "danger?"
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This was my rule, which she agreed to without fuss. I don't think she wanted to fall in love with anyone else either. Having an open relationship at the beginning was foreign enough for me, I didn't want further complications, and we were both very in love with each other at the very beginning.

What makes it different now? What made the "danger" go away? Has it gone away?
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From all of the conversations and opening up we've done...I fully trust my wife, and this other guy. There is no sabotage, no desire to replace me. Has it gone away completely, no...but I'd say it's about 90% gone. And we will continue to discuss any insecurities that I have.

Is that why? She's your crutch? And you don't know how to stand on your own two feet?
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Yeah, that didn't come out the best of ways. No, she is not a crutch. I can, and have stood on my own two feet. I just...really love her, regardless of the fact that I forgot how to show it in the past. I smile when I see her. The things she does for me, the little things, the big things. I know she cares deeply for me, as I do her.

Have you sought medical attention for this? Or at least removed yourself from high stress situations that lead to this and then started to seek medical attention?
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I have found my own ways. I no longer think about doing these things. I've done a lot of research on Taoism (not the religion, but the philosophy), and that as helped immensely. And I've realized that is an assinine way to think anyway. I have children that need me, and doing something stupid would just be plain selfish.

Nope. It was her choice to stick with you and wait.

This one is your choice. If you don't want to clock time here? You don't have to.
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I suppose you're right here. But, I've already seen changes in her, as she's realized that I'm not the same person I was before. I just don't expect to go from 0 to 60 immediately.
 
But, I've already seen changes in her, as she's realized that I'm not the same person I was before. I just don't expect to go from 0 to 60 immediately.
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That's talking about how fast the Bus is going.

There is a transitional period to Opening up. The "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" is not here yet. It's normal for things to feel weird in the transitional space.

All that is not answering the question of "Am I on the right bus to begin with? Do we have to stop the Bus for someone to get off?"

You seem to acknowledge that neither of you is the same person that you used to be. Are "new her" and "new you" still compatible for marriage? Or have you grown apart? Are you compatible for poly together? Should you even be trying to do poly together? That's more what I'm asking. That's more what I was asking. You don't have to answer that here... but I think you two could seriously talk about that.

If you find you both want different a different Bus now?

If one partner wants to go one way and the other partner's doesn't want to take that Journey? I think the most decent and most loving thing to do is to stop the Bus and let people off. The one that wants to keep going can and the one that wants to be free of it can be free of it.

Some couples try to have a baby to "help bring them together" when the marriage is fading. Some couples try to use poly for a similar "bandaid."

I hope both of you are entering this because you both really want to be doing poly and not because you are trying to avoid other issues.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
There is a transitional period to Opening up. The "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" is not here yet. It's normal for things to feel weird in the transitional space.

But that's not answering the question of "Should we even be trying to do this together? Are we still compatible in marriage? Are we compatible for poly together?"

You acknowledge that neither of you is the same person that you used to be. Are "new her" and "new you" still compatible for marriage? Or have you grown apart? Trying to square peg round hole?

That's more what I was asking. You don't have to answer that here... but I think you two could seriously talk about that.

Some couples try to have a baby to "help bring them together" when the marriage is fading. Some couples try to use poly for a similar "bandaid."

I hope both of you are entering this because you both really want to be doing poly and not because you are trying to avoid other issues.

Galagirl
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Are we still compatible in marriage? That remains to be seen. Our first thoughts are, yes, we are. But, at the same time, we have already discussed what to do if either of us feels that we are not: Amicably separate. I/we don't see that happening, but we are both aware that it could happen. But I sincerely don't believe that's the way we are headed.

I am not using this for a bandaid, I don't believe she is either. She has said many many times to me that her relationship with this other guy in no way is a reflection of anything between her and I. And I completely trust that.

I can honestly say that this other guy has the best of intentions for her, myself, and our family. He is an honorable man, and completely trustworthy. I won't go into specifics about his situation that would probably shed some light on it, because that is something that is "out of boundaries" to talk about to anyone but the three of us.
 
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Clarity

I have done some serious soul searching. Something that has helped give me clarity in all of this is a quote from "A Personal Tao" that I keep reminding myself of when things get difficult:

In life moments will gather. Don’t overly worry about connections. When a moment is just a moment, live it bracingly while letting it pass. Not everything needs to be connected into a larger meaning. Many experiences are best left alone. If the moment calls to be connected, then the overall balance of the world will make it clear to you without fuss.
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I'll just leave that at that.
 
It sounds like you are going in eyes wide open then.

I hope things work out for you three.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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