Pigwidgeon
Member
Husband and I are still in the talking phase, trying to find our non monogamous way (which will likely be mono/poly) where we both feel like we are “winning”.
To explain my approach to him (and others), I use the analogy that I try to eat a vegan diet most of the time, but when there’s a really great cheeseboard on offer, or I just really fancy a slice of pizza, I can indulge and not beat myself up about it. It won’t mean I’ve given up and gone back to vegetarian, my next meal will be vegan. But I know I will eat some cheese again at some point and I’m ok with that.
I’ve written the following (much longer!) analogy as one that I hope will make more sense to him, and one that includes his part in things. I just thought it might be helpful to others trying to explain their non traditional relationships, and I’d be really interested to hear any other analogies people use.
Imagine you’re the drummer in a band. It’s the perfect band: you have a great laugh with the others; you can all get together to practice at least once a week; you have similar taste in music so enjoy each other’s song suggestions; you gig as often as you want to and get just the right sized crowd and they love dancing to your music. You’ve been a band together for several years and it works really well, you hope it’ll carry on like this forever.
A friend is in another band. They play slightly different stuff to your band and you enjoy going to their gigs. One day their guitarist is sick so they ask if you can step in. You do and it’s great fun - you’re up front instead of behind the drums, the music is different, the crowd is different.
Your original band hears about this and gets annoyed. They’re worried that you’re going to want to leave and join this other band. Or that you think they’re boring now. Or that you’ll want to be in both bands so you won’t have time to practice with them so much.
You reassure the original band that you love playing with them and want to carry on, even if you did have a great time playing with the new band and hope they’ll ask you to play again sometimes. In fact, playing with the new band has reinvigorated you and you’ve got new found passion and ideas for your original band to make it even better.
In the hope that the new band will ask you to play again you start practicing guitar more, seeking out new music, learning harder songs. You’re practicing drums more too and surprising yourself with how much you’re improving - and your new enthusiasm is rubbing off on the rest of the band too, you’re all playing better. You start getting bigger gigs and you’re enjoying every minute.
The new band ask you to play with them again. Your original band is annoyed. They thought you were committed to them even more now that you were getting all these new gigs. You are. But you’re really tempted to play with the other guys too. You love your original band and it’s even more fun now than it was before, and it was great before! But the new band is a different sort of fun - as guitarist you are more the centre of attention, you feel the adoration of the crowd, it makes you feel special, wanted. In the original band you feel needed, secure, comfortable, you hold the whole thing together. They’re feelings that are irreplaceable and you wouldn’t want to find them elsewhere, no new band will take the importance of your old band away.
So you come to an agreement. You can play with the new band as long as it doesn’t impact on the original band, that’s your priority. If there’s a clash of practices or gigs, the original band comes first. When you’re practicing, the original band songs come first.
It works. You carry on playing with your original band and it’s more perfect than ever, you keep getting better and better as a band and your fans can tell. You practice and gig occasionally with the other band when their guitarist can’t and it’s so much fun! It would be exhausting to play that stuff all the time though.
When the guitarist from the new band announces he’s leaving, they ask if you’d take his place. But you say no. You can’t fully commit yourself to both bands and the original band is your priority. You suggest they recruit a new guitarist but you’ll carry on stepping in whenever you’re needed. You’re worried that their new guitarist will be better than you or that they’ll never miss a gig so your time with the band might be over. But you will accept it if that’s what happens.
At first that is what happens. The new guitarist doesn’t like you hanging around, they are worried you’re just waiting to swoop in and take their place. They can’t understand why you’re not the guitarist yourself so they feel threatened by you. But over time they realise that having you around gives them a bit more freedom. They can miss a gig or a practice when they need to without letting the rest of the band down. It takes a bit of the pressure off them. They understand you have no intention of taking their place and now you get on really well and help each other out, you’ve even starting jamming together just the two of you sometimes.
The original band is still going strong, you are playing with the new band sometimes, and jamming as a pair too. Some of the guys in the original band have started jamming with others too. Life is pretty damn good for everybody.
To explain my approach to him (and others), I use the analogy that I try to eat a vegan diet most of the time, but when there’s a really great cheeseboard on offer, or I just really fancy a slice of pizza, I can indulge and not beat myself up about it. It won’t mean I’ve given up and gone back to vegetarian, my next meal will be vegan. But I know I will eat some cheese again at some point and I’m ok with that.
I’ve written the following (much longer!) analogy as one that I hope will make more sense to him, and one that includes his part in things. I just thought it might be helpful to others trying to explain their non traditional relationships, and I’d be really interested to hear any other analogies people use.
Imagine you’re the drummer in a band. It’s the perfect band: you have a great laugh with the others; you can all get together to practice at least once a week; you have similar taste in music so enjoy each other’s song suggestions; you gig as often as you want to and get just the right sized crowd and they love dancing to your music. You’ve been a band together for several years and it works really well, you hope it’ll carry on like this forever.
A friend is in another band. They play slightly different stuff to your band and you enjoy going to their gigs. One day their guitarist is sick so they ask if you can step in. You do and it’s great fun - you’re up front instead of behind the drums, the music is different, the crowd is different.
Your original band hears about this and gets annoyed. They’re worried that you’re going to want to leave and join this other band. Or that you think they’re boring now. Or that you’ll want to be in both bands so you won’t have time to practice with them so much.
You reassure the original band that you love playing with them and want to carry on, even if you did have a great time playing with the new band and hope they’ll ask you to play again sometimes. In fact, playing with the new band has reinvigorated you and you’ve got new found passion and ideas for your original band to make it even better.
In the hope that the new band will ask you to play again you start practicing guitar more, seeking out new music, learning harder songs. You’re practicing drums more too and surprising yourself with how much you’re improving - and your new enthusiasm is rubbing off on the rest of the band too, you’re all playing better. You start getting bigger gigs and you’re enjoying every minute.
The new band ask you to play with them again. Your original band is annoyed. They thought you were committed to them even more now that you were getting all these new gigs. You are. But you’re really tempted to play with the other guys too. You love your original band and it’s even more fun now than it was before, and it was great before! But the new band is a different sort of fun - as guitarist you are more the centre of attention, you feel the adoration of the crowd, it makes you feel special, wanted. In the original band you feel needed, secure, comfortable, you hold the whole thing together. They’re feelings that are irreplaceable and you wouldn’t want to find them elsewhere, no new band will take the importance of your old band away.
So you come to an agreement. You can play with the new band as long as it doesn’t impact on the original band, that’s your priority. If there’s a clash of practices or gigs, the original band comes first. When you’re practicing, the original band songs come first.
It works. You carry on playing with your original band and it’s more perfect than ever, you keep getting better and better as a band and your fans can tell. You practice and gig occasionally with the other band when their guitarist can’t and it’s so much fun! It would be exhausting to play that stuff all the time though.
When the guitarist from the new band announces he’s leaving, they ask if you’d take his place. But you say no. You can’t fully commit yourself to both bands and the original band is your priority. You suggest they recruit a new guitarist but you’ll carry on stepping in whenever you’re needed. You’re worried that their new guitarist will be better than you or that they’ll never miss a gig so your time with the band might be over. But you will accept it if that’s what happens.
At first that is what happens. The new guitarist doesn’t like you hanging around, they are worried you’re just waiting to swoop in and take their place. They can’t understand why you’re not the guitarist yourself so they feel threatened by you. But over time they realise that having you around gives them a bit more freedom. They can miss a gig or a practice when they need to without letting the rest of the band down. It takes a bit of the pressure off them. They understand you have no intention of taking their place and now you get on really well and help each other out, you’ve even starting jamming together just the two of you sometimes.
The original band is still going strong, you are playing with the new band sometimes, and jamming as a pair too. Some of the guys in the original band have started jamming with others too. Life is pretty damn good for everybody.
.