Announcing relationship to others?

[Serenity123]

Hey guys,

So I need some advice and I apologise in advance if this is in the wrong section.

10 years ago I met someone who quickly I became close too, we became very close quite quickly and we spent many years as best friends but I was also very aware that we were closer then ‘friends’ on some level despite neither of us admitting to it. I also had a good relationship with her husband where we would flirt very often and despite nothing happening, I’ve always been aware that there was an attraction to him. Both me and the girl who I was close too admitted that we were developing feelings as did me and her husband (we spent a lot of time together) we decided to become a triad which so far has gone well but the distance is getting a bit of a factor. Whilst we have discussed moving in together at some point, it’s too early in the relationship, we got together late last year.

Anyway, we all have children (ranging from 2-18) and I’m worried about how to tell my children or when I should introduce them as my boyfriend and girlfriend (they know them obviously but only as friends)

How have others told people? So far we haven’t told anyone and just kept it to ourselves as my family would not understand.

Thanks

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

What would be your motivation for telling them?

 

[Serenity123]

The other two involved don’t want to hide it longer than it needs to be, obviously we want to tell the children before they find out from other people when it gets to that point of others knowing.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

How would other people find out? I'm trying to picture how you look different to a couple with a close friend.

What are your plans for the future?

 

[Serenity123]

I have a family who sadly would talk and would announce it to the world, not all of them would be supportive.

We plan to move in together (not yet) I guess it’s nothing really to worry about at the moment and it’s just me overthinking things (I have anxiety) I just know when it does come out, it’s going to kick up crap from not only me family, but my ex and his family too.

 

[Magdlyn]

Serenity, you say there is a distance between you and this couple. It is like a 45-minute drive distance, or hours on an airplane distance? There is definitely no rush to move in with one's poly partners. Most of us would recommend at least a year of conventional dating, just as you would do with a mono partner, so you don't find yourself stuck if the infatuation wears off and you realize you're not as compatible as you thought. Also, you'd be uprooting a whole bunch of children, probably changing schools, saying goodbye to friends, etc.

Rather than commenting on your "coming out" question, I'd like to know more background. You say you've been friends with the woman partner (Sarah) for 10 years, but developed romantic feelings and starting considering yourselves romantic partners only late last year. And now you've also caught feelings for the husband, Grant So it's just been a few months of admitting that and actually having sex. How often do you go to see these people? Do you bring your kids? Do they have a dad you can leave them with, or is it always the whole horde? More details will help your readers to determine if it's necessary to come out.

Everyone gets to decide when or if to come out. Maybe your couple has a more accepting family, so it won't be detrimental to them to come out. You might have a more conservative family, and would risk losing them in your life and the lives of your children. Some people even run the risk of losing their jobs.

Is this your first foray into polyamory? Is it theirs?

I guess all your kids, on both sides, are used to being together as a group? That's what it sounds like. I would say there is no big rush to come out as sexual partners, except perhaps to the very oldest teenagers. You would need to stress they be discreet and keep it from the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. They might slip up, though. It's tricky.

You've only just developed this triad. What happens if things go south, and the sexual sharing becomes less satisfying or difficult for one of the partners? It can be hard to move a relationship from platonic, to sexual, and back again.

I need some advice...

10 years ago I met someone whom I quickly became close to. We spent many years as best friends, but I was also very aware that we were closer then ‘friends’ on some level, despite neither of us admitting to it. I also had a good relationship with her husband. We would flirt very often. Despite nothing happening, I’ve always been aware that there was an attraction to him. Both the girl who I was close to and I to admitted that we were developing feelings, as did her husband and I. We spent a lot of time together. We decided to become a triad, which gone well, so far. But the distance is getting to be a bit of a factor. Whilst we have discussed moving in together at some point, it’s too early in the relationship. We got together late last year.

Anyway, we all have children (ranging from 2-18) and I’m worried about how to tell my children, or when I should introduce them as my boyfriend and girlfriend. (They know them, obviously, but only as friends.)

How have others told people? So far, we haven’t told anyone and just kept it to ourselves, as my family would not understand.

 

[Serenity123]

So il try and explain the best I can.

The distance is approx 3 hours but the gap will close if I decide to move closer, at the moment this isn’t possible but is something I will consider at the right time.

Yes, she admitted to me last year that she had feelings for me, yes we had been friends for approx 10 years but for the first few years we lived on the same estate from each other so saw each other often where we built up the friendship, then I moved away and we saw each other as often as we could but when we was together we did find we would flirt etc, then last year we spent a lot more time together once again as our kids would chat often, we grew closer and I knew I was feeling something for them but at the time I didn’t understand what it was or why I was feeling this way so I just kept going but the flirting still continued even with Grant, up until the triad was talked about I didn’t know he was only that way with me. He admitted to me that he felt something but wasn’t sure what it was which both me and Sarah discussed it. Nothing physical had ever happened between us before then. I see them approx once a month at the moment due to the distance. Kids not always with us and when they are, nothing sexual happened.

Yes my children’s dad does look after them and sometimes they are all together as they all get along but we never do anything in front of them, my older daughter would be very accepting but the younger kids will be confused hence why we haven’t said anything yet.

Yes first time for all of us.

I do believe that that their families won’t care aslong as they are happy, my family would react very differently as I don’t have the best support from them normally.

If things go south then truthfully it would be hard for me but I know we would have tried it and I guess I’d have to try and move on, how it will affect them as a married couple or if we could go back to being friends I don’t know.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Serenity123,

I don't know if and when you should tell other people, but if and when that time comes, there's a video that may help you:

As for your kids, short and sweet and simple is probably the best, something like, "Kids, I want to tell you that Sarah and Grant aren't just my friends, they're my girlfriend and boyfriend. I wanted to tell you so you could ask me any questions you may have."

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Serenity123]

Hello Serenity123,

I don't know if and when you should tell other people, but if and when that time comes, there's a video that may help you:

As for your kids, short and sweet and simple is probably the best, something like, "Kids, I want to tell you that Sarah and Grant aren't just my friends, they're my girlfriend and boyfriend. I wanted to tell you so you could ask me any questions you may have."

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

Thank you for this.

 

[kdt26417]

No problem, I'm glad to help.

 

[Magdlyn]

The distance is approx 3 hours. But the gap will close if I decide to move closer. At the moment, this isn’t possible. But is something I will consider at the right time.

Yes, she admitted to me last year that she had feelings for me. Yes, we have been friends for approx 10 years. For the first few years we lived on the same estate, so we saw each other often and built our friendship. Then I moved away. We saw each other as often as we could. When we were together we did find we would flirt, etc. Then last year we spent a lot more time together once again, as our kids were chatting often. We grew closer and I knew I was feeling something for them. But at the time, I didn’t understand what it was or why I was feeling this way. So I just kept going. But the flirting still continued, even with Grant. Up until the triad was talked about, I didn’t know he was only that way with me. He admitted to me that he felt something, but wasn’t sure what it was. Sarah and I discussed it. Nothing physical had ever happened between us before then. I see them approx once a month at the moment, due to the distance. The kids are not always with us and when they are, nothing sexual happens.

Yes, my children’s dad does look after them. Sometimes they are all together, as they all get along, but we never do anything in front of them. My older daughter would be very accepting, but the younger kids would be confused. This is why we haven’t said anything yet.

Yes, it is the first time for all of us.

I do believe that that their families won’t care, as long as they are happy. My family would react very differently as I don’t have the best support from them normally.

If things go south, then truthfully, it would be hard for me. But I would know we tried it. I guess I’d have to try and move on. How it will affect them as a married couple, or if we could go back to being friends, I don’t know.

Both you and Grant have feelings, but don't, or didn't, understand what the feelings were. Have you identified these feelings now?

It seems like, at some future point, you could move to be near this couple, your friends/now lovers, or they could move to be near you. Many people, poly or not, who have long distance relationships, decide to move in together before just living nearby for a year or two and dating normally. This is a mistake. Living separately is even more important when young children are in the mix, as they might be confused, and think these friends are parental figures. If you broke up, it could be traumatic for them. Having their own consistent house and knowing that these folks are not their parents would help. But maybe they'd lose their own biological father if you moved... Decisions, decisions...

It is often found that if you spend a lot of time with someone of a gender you are attracted to, you begin to become sexually attracted to them, develop a crush, and want to act upon this feeling. If you are attracted to both males and females, you've probably experienced this before. The choice remains of whether you really should act upon it. Again, because you have kids in the mix, every choice you make is that much more important.

That said, young kids are very adaptable and open-minded. They often accept that Mommy has a bf and a gf, or two bfs, or a husband and a bf, or whatever the case may be. Of course, their teachers, school admins, doctors, extended family, etc. may not be as accepting. There have been incidents of conservative family members calling CPS when they find out about a polyamorous situation. That's the unfortunate society we live in.

However, if your extended family is very toxic, maybe you'd be fine with cutting ties with them and adopting your poly network as a healthier environment, in the end!

 

[Serenity123]

Both you and Grant have feelings, but don't, or didn't, understand what the feelings were. Have you identified these feelings now?

It seems like, at some future point, you could move to be near this couple, your friends/now lovers, or they could move to be near you. Many people, poly or not, who have long distance relationships, decide to move in together before just living nearby for a year or two and dating normally. This is a mistake. Living separately is even more important when young children are in the mix, as they might be confused, and think these friends are parental figures. If you broke up, it could be traumatic for them. Having their own consistent house and knowing that these folks are not their parents would help. But maybe they'd lose their own biological father if you moved... Decisions, decisions...

It is often found that if you spend a lot of time with someone of a gender you are attracted to, you begin to become sexually attracted to them, develop a crush, and want to act upon this feeling. If you are attracted to both males and females, you've probably experienced this before. The choice remains of whether you really should act upon it. Again, because you have kids in the mix, every choice you make is that much more important.

That said, young kids are very adaptable and open-minded. They often accept that Mommy has a bf and a gf, or two bfs, or a husband and a bf, or whatever the case may be. Of course, their teachers, school admins, doctors, extended family, etc. may not be as accepting. There have been incidents of conservative family members calling CPS when they find out about a polyamorous situation. That's the unfortunate society we live in.

However, if your extended family is very toxic, maybe you'd be fine with cutting ties with them and adopting your poly network as a healthier environment, in the end!

Yes, we have admitted we have feelings now, at the start we were trying to process what was happening and we’re now trying to work on our emotional connection.

Yeah we discussed moving in together eventually but not at the moment and possibly moving closer to each other but this is still an ongoing discussion.

I always knew I was interested in both sexes but pushed it to the back of my head as a lot of my family are against it, I was confused at the start because i didn’t want to ruin our friendship but when she kissed me on a night out, I didn’t push her away. I had a night with her and Grant and it felt right, it was the only place i wanted to be.

Of course we’ve all agreed, our children will continue to remain our number 1 priority.

I guess I’m scared of how my family will react, as I want a relationship with them but at the same time if they can’t be happy for me that I’m in a relationship that I’m at my happiest in then how can they be my family? X

 

[Magdlyn]

Just a note: you're not in "a" relationship. You are in two relationships, with two people, who happen to be married to each other. Every triad has several layers. Both of your lovers are also your metamours, that is, the partner of your partner.

you+Sarah
you+Grant
Sarah+Grant
you+Sarah+Grant

This is the most difficult kind of relationship structure to have! You need to all have firm boundaries. What if one of them wants to complain about the other to you? You might feel stuck in the middle, which is uncomfortable. Where does each person sleep? All in one bed? Separate bedrooms for each? Do you always have sex as a threesome, or can you pair off? Watch out they don't insist you can only have sex with both of them at the same time. They might try to get you to do this, to "protect" their relationship, thinking they will avoid jealousy. This does not work long term. It might be OK for occasional visits, but not if you're seeing each other regularly or moving in together. You need to be able to have one-on-one time, without suspicion or jealousy or paranoia. Each dyad needs its own space for sex, for dates, to be able to develop at its own pace. Sarah especially, runs the risk of feeling demoted and displaced in her affections from Grant. You will (all) need to tread carefully, since NRE can make someone feel obsessed with you, to the detriment of the established partner.

There are many stories here of triads crashing and burning, unfortunately. I highly recommend you all read the book "Opening Up," to get some good background into how to successfully navigate polyamory, especially since you're starting to try a triad shape. Vs are much easier (see our Glossary if you're not familiar with terms.)

It sounds like worries about coming out are premature, since the kids are never around when you are having sex in the next room. Just watch out they don't see your phone/computer or overhear spicy phone calls.

 

[Serenity123]

Thanks.

At the moment we have threesomes and we’ve had our own separate time, obviously they get more one on one time since I live further away but we do call etc often. I was worried that Sarah would become jealous but so far she’s been great, when we’re all together it’s incredible, and when we’re in pairs it’s amazing too. I guess I am a little scared of what will happen if one decides they don’t want this anymore and how it will affect the other two but I guess I can’t focus on that right now. When we’re all together we tend to sleep in the same bed. Assuming this book is easy to purchase via Amazon etc, il take a look. I have been staying out of any disagreement they have and so far not been complained too but can’t say it won’t happen at some point.

 

[Serenity123]

so thought I’d update. Been spending time with both of them since Sunday and G told S that he loves me and she convinced him to tell me how he was feeling. I had a night alone with him last night which was amazing, and he told me. It was nice hearing it but at the same time I was worried about what S would say, despite her telling me she loves me on a number of occasions. Luckily she has been fine about it, but if that will change I’m not sure. We had a good chat last night as I admitted to him that I was feeling a little like I was 2nd priority which I understand i will be in a way since they are married but that I needed them to be open with me since I have been with them.

Is it normal to feel a bit like a spare wheel? I’m not sure why I feel like that but it’s a feeling that doesn’t sit right with me. We’re all together again tonight so we’re going to put everything on the table alongside a bottle of Tequila. Wish me luck

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Serenity123,
Luck wished.

I think you are feeling like a spare wheel because G and S are married to each other, whereas you are not married to either of them. I had the same thing earlier in my V relationship: My two companions were (and are) married to each other, but I was not married to either of them. They said I was a primary partner (co-primary), but I often felt like a secondary partner. Honestly, the only thing that fixed the problem was time. Over time, I was able to observe that they treated me just as good as they treated each other, and with just as much respect. So now today I can honestly say that I feel like a primary partner in the V. You'll feel better in time too.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

so thought I’d update. Been spending time with both of them since Sunday and G told S that he loves me and she convinced him to tell me how he was feeling. I had a night alone with him last night which was amazing, and he told me. It was nice hearing it but at the same time I was worried about what S would say, despite her telling me she loves me on a number of occasions. Luckily she has been fine about it, but if that will change I’m not sure. We had a good chat last night as I admitted to him that I was feeling a little like I was 2nd priority which I understand i will be in a way since they are married but that I needed them to be open with me since I have been with them.

Is it normal to feel a bit like a spare wheel? I’m not sure why I feel like that but it’s a feeling that doesn’t sit right with me. We’re all together again tonight so we’re going to put everything on the table alongside a bottle of Tequila. Wish me luck

I hope the tequila did the job you wanted and did not cause more problems!

If you think of yourself as in separate relationships with each of them, and do not just think of them as a couple-blob, that might help with the third wheel syndrome. It's not easy to do a triad successfully. Of course you are going to feel lesser because you do not share their years of intimacy. But you have the advantage of being the new and shiny person for each one of them. Even though you've known them as platonic friends for a good amount of time, your sexuality is new to them.

I'm glad you get to have one-on-one time with each. I hope the "love" survives your NRE. Do you "love" Grant too, or are your feelings still undefined?

How do you manage to be at their place for an extended period in the middle of the week? What do the kids think of you leaving them for an extended period, especially your youngest ones? Maybe the 18 year old suspects something is up. Moms don't usually leave home to go stay with friends. Or... maybe it's spring break time and dad is stepping up with fun things to do while the kids aren't in school.

 

[Serenity123]

It did and didn’t, it ended not on the best note but afterwards we all admitted we were in love with each other so want to keep this going.

I told them that I did feel like I was trying to compete with their amount of past which I can’t do and they both admitted that they didn’t mean to make me feel like that and my relationship with each of them is different and I bring out a different side to them which they love. Yes I do love him, and last night has definitely proved that to both me and us. Mine are home educated and spending this week with their dad, it’s not something I get to do every time, usually it’s a fri-mon job x

 

[Magdlyn]

You homeschool your kids, but you're divorced? I also homeschooled my kids, but my husband was our breadwinner and he made enough to support all of us (2 adults, 3 kids). We divorced when our kids were older teens/early 20s. Is your ex supporting you and your kids?

Are you doing structured Christian homeschooling? I did not. I'm not Christian. We did "unschooling," if you've heard of it. I know about how some Christians are so religious, they abhor secular public schools and want to protect their children from Satanic influences in curriculums and from non-Christian teachers and peers. If you're into that, but at the same time in a gay relationship and a triad, that just makes your internal conflicts worse, I'm sure. Deeply religious repressive childhoods can have long lasting detrimental effects on a person.

I am just wondering if you have any financial independence so that, if somehow one of your kids or your ex finds out about your "un-Christian" double life, you will be cut adrift with no resources, and maybe lose your kids altogether.

Another question: How many kids do you, yourself, have? You just listed all the kids that you and the other couple have. Do you have little ones, 2 years old, school-aged littles? Or do you have older kids who might be independent soon? Maybe your plan is to go be with this couple after your kids are grown.

 

[Serenity123]

Yes I home educate my children, he does give us money towards their upbringing, I also get extra support as my son has additional needs. My children are 16,10 and 8 and I also bring up my niece who is 3. No I do not follow the curriculum as it doesn’t work for my little boy, I also have a part time job myself which my uncle then looks after them whilst I work as does my oldest child.

We’re not divorced, just separated. He is in a new relationship with a lovely girl and so far we are trying to work on our co-parenting. I’m not sure if or how things will change if and when he finds out but I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.