Another insecurity thread

S

Steichen

New member
Hi Everyone,

I've lurked here for a while, but it's time for my first post (the second after my introduction a few months back).

I`m a 47 year old guy and a little over 12 months into my first polyamorous relationship. My girlfriend has a primary partner and has had other relationships in the past, but at the moment, her only relationships are with me and her primary. She lives in a small town and is quite protective of her privacy and, as I understand it, really likes to keep her poly activities private. To this end, she has asked, when we are in certain areas, that we not have any public displays of affection, and I'm totally fine with respecting her wishes.

When we are in this certain social setting (where I respect this PDA request of hers) we sometimes meet a friend of hers who she flirts with. This guy, whom she has known for some time, is clearly very into her, and they have kissed and appeared quite touchy-feely in this same social setting. I've asked her about this guy, and she has told me she has a special connection with him, and that they could very easily sleep together, but they never have, as it would compromise their friendship.

So, I'm asking the collective polyamorous sounding board to help me understand if what I'm feeling right now is justified, or whether I need to develop my emotional skills if I want to play in the poly world. So what exactly do I feel? Well, I don't think I am jealous, as I respect her freedom to be with who she wishes. I do feel a type of rejection, given I am not allowed to be affectionate in public, but it's fine for this other guy. I also feel a sort of insecurity regarding the actual status of her feelings for this other guy. Does she want to be with him or not? For clarity, we do have an agreement that we would discuss the addition of any other partners (on both sides).

Now, clearly, the answer here is communication, and I will certainly talk with her about this. However, I am very aware that I have an anxious-attachment style, which I am working on. So I could do with some help figuring out what part of my feelings are my own attachment-related stuff and what, from a normal polyamorous relationship standpoint, the potential issues are with the situation. Has anyone here been on either side of a polyamorous relationship with double standards for different partners/potential partners? Maybe this isn't even a polyamory-specific thing.

Anyway, any input would be greatly appreciated.

S
 
Hello Steichen,

Your girlfriend should not have a double standard between you and the other guy, if she allows PDA with the other guy, she should allow PDA with you too. Tell her this. Do not let her walk all over you like you were a doormat. You have been very good to her, and deserve more than that.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

So, I'm asking the collective polyamorous sounding board to help me understand if what I'm feeling right now is justified, or whether I need to develop my emotional skills if I want to play in the poly world.
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You feel what you feel. I think how to choose to respond or react depends on what actually happened. What exactly was this? Like a social hug/kiss hello when the friend walked in/left? That's one thing. Not a big deal.

Or was this her flirting and hitting on Dude and you are like a third wheel on a date that was supposed to be about (you + her)? That's another thing.

You are the one there, so you would know.

I do feel a type of rejection, given I am not allowed to be affectionate in public, but it's fine for this other guy.
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Don't you mean your GF? Like, she wants you to not be affectionate to her in public, because she's not okay with it, but it's fine for HER to be affectionate to others in public, and she expects you to be okay with that?

You can't foist your affections on her. At the same time, you could ask her to refrain from over-the-top PDA in front of you. You did not consent to watch that go down.

She's free to see who she wants, and so are you. But she can hug/kiss/hit on this dude when you are not present. She doesn't have to be doing it in front of you. It might feel like she's picking up a new person, when it's supposed to be you two on a date.

If it is not a date, and you two are just hanging out, you could still ask her not to hit on people in front of you. Even if she were already dating Dude, you STILL don't have to watch them do over the top PDA/making out. Dates with you should still be about (you + her), right?

Galagirl
 
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I'd want to know why there's this difference in PDA. It will be hard to explain away the double standard, but I could see her feeling differently one-on-one on a date, vs a third that showed up for a minute. But if she is concerned about appearances, then she shouldn't be doing it with anyone. Her actions would make me question trust. She's not being honest about something.
 
I'd flat out ask her about this seemingly double standard. She might have convinced herself along the way that because she doesn't intend to ever sleep with him that it's okay to be flirty because she will be able to truthfully say to any nosey parkers, "oh no, he's just a friend."

If you're wondering so much stuff and those thoughts are causing you to feel anxious about the relationship, you could seek the information you need to allay your fears. If you are truly concerned that she's going to leave you at any moment, why are you in that relationship? FYI, you have just as much power to end the relationship as she does. I suspect a lot of people's attachment issues are due to (sub)conscious beliefs that they shouldn't ever leave a relationship. I hope you truly know that if she continues to do behaviours that just don't work for you, that's enough of a reason to leave. Your primary relationship should be with yourself.
 
Evie said:
I suspect a lot of people's attachment issues are due to (sub)conscious beliefs that they shouldn't ever leave a relationship.
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It does seem that way. Like carrying an internalized idea from childhood, "If my caregivers abandon me, I'll be destroyed," into our relationships as autonomous adults...
 
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