Anxiety is the best explanation for why most relationships fail

Isaiah990

Member
I realized anxiety is the best explanation for why most relationships end. People give reasons good or bad for why relationships end, but they're not convincing. They don't explain everything on why partners were acting the way they were. People acting out past family traumas and their fear of abandonment make the most sense.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Can you give some examples in your own life of any relationships that did fail?
 

Isaiah990

Member
Can you give some examples in your own life of any relationships that did fail?
I can give several.

I met a beautiful Filipina single mom through a Facebook group. We talked for quite a while then decided to get in a relationship. She suspected me of being honest and liked my curiosity. She often talked about work and family problems. She said she wanted to live in her own house with her daughter. As time went on though, I noticed she became slightly more controlling. If I didn't call her because I was busy, she accused me of lying for some odd reason. We usually kissed each other goodnight. She said "I love you" a lot, but got upset I didn't say it back. I told her she was being unreasonable because we were only in a relationship for a week. It was too soon for me to say "I love you" and mean it. She broke up with me and claimed I was just playing with her. After the break up, I made one last attempt to get her back. She refused so I gave up too. After sometime though, I felt she secretly wanted me back once she got to know me better. I got the feeling she realized I was loyal and honest, but was too ashamed to ask me out again.

The next woman I was in a relationship with really devastated me. Everything seemed great. We were talking regularly, laughing, flirting, kissing, etc. We got to know each other on a pretty personal level. She told me her family history. She said she resented her father for being distant. He spent time with his family then left and came back then did the same thing. She told me she got in a relationship with a man at a bar. He got her drunk, they had sex, and she got pregnant. After that, he left and became distant.

When we got in a relationship, I was scared of commitment. It felt like I was a prisoner. I gave her what I wanted in a relationship and she agreed. I was anxious and paranoid. I felt like she was a cheater, but didn't know why. There was no proof she cheated so I didn't understand why I was worried. I never accused her of cheating or had any angry outbursts. I did politely ask her to translate what she said to certain male friends or why she wore her ex's engagement rings.

One night, we were talking about meeting each other in person. I met her relatives. They invited me to meet up at a beach or party. I agreed. After that, she stopped contacting me. She said she was too busy, but talked to others regularly on social media. She told me messenger was broken, had a poor internet connection, and had family problems so that's why she couldn't message me. I was really baffled and hurt. I thought "what happened? Everything was going great. Why is she distant? maybe she’s just really busy and needs to invest in her social life too..maybe i’m being unrealistic..”

I decided to get answers. I talked to someone close about it. I asked "why do you think she's avoiding me?" She looked at our conversations and said "I don't know.." I didn't do anything bad to her that would cause her to be distant. I went to some "dating coaches." They gave horrible explanations that didn't make sense. They basically said "If she avoids you, she's just not interested. Move on.." If she wasn't interested, why did she get in a relationship with me? Why didn't she just tell me she wanted to break up?" I knew she was interested. Others told me to just wait until she replies. I can't rely on a relationship to make me happy. I thought "this is better advice, but it's still not good enough. How do i know if she's really busy or just avoiding me? If she's avoiding me, why should I stay in this relationship? Relationships aren't supposed to be sources of happiness, but your partners are still supposed to commit to them. If they don't, there's a serious problem."

I came up with alot of reasons to stay. I thought to myself “maybe i should just keep waiting until she responds. I need to relax. She’s telling me the truth..”

Finally, i got angry and frustrated. I had enough. I was tired of lying to myself and putting up with this. I was tired of making excuses for her and making her a priority while i was just an option to her. I was tired of dreaming about things getting better in the future instead of making them better now. I was tired of looking back on good memories we had instead of making them now. I was tired of saying “i’m in a relationship”, but wondering about better women who could give me what i needed. I realized she wasn’t trust-worthy, honest, or serious about this relationship. No one is too busy to talk to you. It’s all about priorities. Most of my friends are busy, but they still manage to talk to me or even say a simple “hello.” She wasn’t doing any of that.

I told myself “I’m done” and ended the relationship. Waiting wasn’t going to fix the problems in our relationship which mainly had to do with a lack of honest communication and trust. I still had questions that needed answers. I knew the dating community didn't give satisfactory explanations and my ex wasn't going to honestly tell me so I looked to science. I was shocked when scientists explained that the main cause of dysfunctional relationships is childhood trauma. People who avoid someone and say things like "I'm too busy.." have a fear of intimacy. They're scared of being too close to someone because it brings up the pain of childhood abandonment. Their solution is to avoid intimacy and keep a superficial relationship at best to avoid being abandoned.

Everything made perfect sense. I analyzed her traits and background. She fit the description of someone who avoids intimacy. I had the feeling she avoided her exes as she avoided me. I asked her why they left her. She simply said, "I don't know.." I didn't believe her. I felt like the truth was she avoided them to a point where they got tired of it and broke up.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Those are pretty solid examples. Sorry that happened to you.
 

Evie

Strong Woman
People who avoid someone and say things like "I'm too busy.." have a fear of intimacy.
Maybe they are just afraid of you. They don't want to tell you why they are no longer interested in getting to know you. Maybe they've seen one too many red flag in your behaviour as you've been getting to know each other.
 

Isaiah990

Member
My last ex was extremely anxious and jealous. Things started off well. She told me she had trust issues. I worked hard to gain her trust. I liked her sense of humor, the way she talked, etc. She was sexy and beautiful. We flirted and had a great time. She pressured me to get in a relationship with her eventually. She said "we've been knowing each other for 3 months already. That's plenty of time for you to decide whether you want to get in a relationship with someone or not. Either get in a relationship with me or let's just be friends." I had to think about it because I thought she had a point. I decided to give her a chance.

In the beginning, the relationship was very strong. We talked every day, learned about each other's past, talked about almost everything, played her favorite game, sang songs together, list goes on. She had a really traumatic and dark childhood. Her mom left her when she was a baby because apparently, her father cheated so she looked for him. She lived with her grandparents. They were really abusive and cruel. They abused her with weapons. She didn't celebrate her first birthday until she turned into an adult with her online friends. I felt really bad hearing all of that.

As time went on, she began to get more controlling and jealous. She was very passive-aggressive. I tried explaining to her I wasn't ok with her behavior. I tried to understand why she wouldn't tell me about her feelings. She said "because you might get mad.." I saw she was still reliving her trauma. I tried to teach her how to communicate like an adult, but she refused. I told her "ok well since you're not willing to make this relationship work, I'm breaking up." She got terrified and then practiced communicating."

She went back to her old ways eventually. We talked about her criminal past once. She was an ex gangster, but still a member of the mob in the Philippines. Since she was abandoned by her family and starved, she joined these groups to survive. She was also looking for a substitute family who would love her. She’s been in tons of gang fights on the streets.

She told me her gang made improvised weapons like homemade guns. Some used brass knuckles. The mob was worse than the gangs she joined and more pervasive. They had thousands of members. They used social media to send secret codes to each other in order to meet up and fight in gang wars. She was undefeated on the streets. Her enemies hated her and cursed her out in texts. The cops never knew about the gang because they hide their presence very well.

I was shocked when she told me about it. I thought “wow, did i really know this person? What kind of person am i dating?” I could accept her past and saw she changed somewhat for the better since she gave birth to her kids. I didn’t feel at all comfortable with her being a mob member. I thought about it and asked “what if i become a target hanging around her? What if she becomes a target?”

Finally, i told her she had to choose - me or the mob. We had a heated argument. She tried explaining to me they weren’t bad people and they loved her. I said “if they really loved you, they wouldn’t put you in danger by asking you to fight rivals or end up in jail. They’re just using you to boost their image. I’m not risking my life over this street war. Even if you’re no longer an active member, enemies don’t care about that. They could still target you over what you did years ago.” She said “you’re forcing me to leave them, but you wouldn’t do it if i asked you.” I said “i absolutely would have without hesitation because i love you.” It felt like she was lowkey defending them. I asked her “do you support their cause?” She said “no..i don’t do what they do anymore..” I said, “then why are you a member of their group?” I felt like with all of the problems happening in our relationship, she had to prove she's changed for the better by quitting.

She quit, but said, "If you would've told me to quit - I would've done it." That was a lie because I asked her to quit, but she argued with me. As time went on, we kept having good and bad times in the relationship. Things got worse the moment i told her i had a crush on another girl. I reassured her i did not cheat because that was the truth. I wanted to deepen our relationship by telling her that and build trust. My girlfriend got really upset and hurt. She said "chase her..she's the one who makes you happy..not me.."

I took breaks from the relationship. after the last break I had, my girlfriend lost control. She accused me of cheating because why else would I need a break shortly after confessing I had a crush on someone else? I told her she was being unreasonable because I told her I needed breaks every now and then. My life didn't revolve around just relationships. After that, our relationship wasn't the same. I was tired but didn't want to admit I no longer wanted to be in the relationship. I was investing so much energy and time into my girlfriend. We had a few heated arguments. She said "I set you free because I can't make you happy.." That really hurt, but it was the truth so that's what I did eventually.

I was really upset. I proved my loyalty throughout the relationship by doing what she wanted. I never cheated. If I made a mistake, I admitted it and did my best to correct it. I communicated like an adult even if it was really hard to talk about my feelings, showed affection, and support. I felt like I was committing to the relationship 100% while she wasn't. I realized love was not enough to make a relationship and it was so hard to accept. It took quite a while for me to heal from the break up.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
You have certainly had some extreme experiences. I wouldn't blame you if you had some bitterness, but I hope you don't. I see what you mean about anxiety.
 

Awkwardlywaving

New member
My last ex was extremely anxious and jealous. Things started off well. She told me she had trust issues. I worked hard to gain her trust. I liked her sense of humor, the way she talked, etc. She was sexy and beautiful. We flirted and had a great time. She pressured me to get in a relationship with her eventually. She said "we've been knowing each other for 3 months already. That's plenty of time for you to decide whether you want to get in a relationship with someone or not. Either get in a relationship with me or let's just be friends." I had to think about it because I thought she had a point. I decided to give her a chance.

In the beginning, the relationship was very strong. We talked every day, learned about each other's past, talked about almost everything, played her favorite game, sang songs together, list goes on. She had a really traumatic and dark childhood. Her mom left her when she was a baby because apparently, her father cheated so she looked for him. She lived with her grandparents. They were really abusive and cruel. They abused her with weapons. She didn't celebrate her first birthday until she turned into an adult with her online friends. I felt really bad hearing all of that.

As time went on, she began to get more controlling and jealous. She was very passive-aggressive. I tried explaining to her I wasn't ok with her behavior. I tried to understand why she wouldn't tell me about her feelings. She said "because you might get mad.." I saw she was still reliving her trauma. I tried to teach her how to communicate like an adult, but she refused. I told her "ok well since you're not willing to make this relationship work, I'm breaking up." She got terrified and then practiced communicating."

She went back to her old ways eventually. We talked about her criminal past once. She was an ex gangster, but still a member of the mob in the Philippines. Since she was abandoned by her family and starved, she joined these groups to survive. She was also looking for a substitute family who would love her. She’s been in tons of gang fights on the streets.

She told me her gang made improvised weapons like homemade guns. Some used brass knuckles. The mob was worse than the gangs she joined and more pervasive. They had thousands of members. They used social media to send secret codes to each other in order to meet up and fight in gang wars. She was undefeated on the streets. Her enemies hated her and cursed her out in texts. The cops never knew about the gang because they hide their presence very well.

I was shocked when she told me about it. I thought “wow, did i really know this person? What kind of person am i dating?” I could accept her past and saw she changed somewhat for the better since she gave birth to her kids. I didn’t feel at all comfortable with her being a mob member. I thought about it and asked “what if i become a target hanging around her? What if she becomes a target?”

Finally, i told her she had to choose - me or the mob. We had a heated argument. She tried explaining to me they weren’t bad people and they loved her. I said “if they really loved you, they wouldn’t put you in danger by asking you to fight rivals or end up in jail. They’re just using you to boost their image. I’m not risking my life over this street war. Even if you’re no longer an active member, enemies don’t care about that. They could still target you over what you did years ago.” She said “you’re forcing me to leave them, but you wouldn’t do it if i asked you.” I said “i absolutely would have without hesitation because i love you.” It felt like she was lowkey defending them. I asked her “do you support their cause?” She said “no..i don’t do what they do anymore..” I said, “then why are you a member of their group?” I felt like with all of the problems happening in our relationship, she had to prove she's changed for the better by quitting.

She quit, but said, "If you would've told me to quit - I would've done it." That was a lie because I asked her to quit, but she argued with me. As time went on, we kept having good and bad times in the relationship. Things got worse the moment i told her i had a crush on another girl. I reassured her i did not cheat because that was the truth. I wanted to deepen our relationship by telling her that and build trust. My girlfriend got really upset and hurt. She said "chase her..she's the one who makes you happy..not me.."

I took breaks from the relationship. after the last break I had, my girlfriend lost control. She accused me of cheating because why else would I need a break shortly after confessing I had a crush on someone else? I told her she was being unreasonable because I told her I needed breaks every now and then. My life didn't revolve around just relationships. After that, our relationship wasn't the same. I was tired but didn't want to admit I no longer wanted to be in the relationship. I was investing so much energy and time into my girlfriend. We had a few heated arguments. She said "I set you free because I can't make you happy.." That really hurt, but it was the truth so that's what I did eventually.

I was really upset. I proved my loyalty throughout the relationship by doing what she wanted. I never cheated. If I made a mistake, I admitted it and did my best to correct it. I communicated like an adult even if it was really hard to talk about my feelings, showed affection, and support. I felt like I was committing to the relationship 100% while she wasn't. I realized love was not enough to make a relationship and it was so hard to accept. It took quite a while for me to heal from the break up.
I am so sorry that you went through that. :(
 
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