Can you give some examples in your own life of any relationships that did fail?
I can give several.
I met a beautiful Filipina single mom through a Facebook group. We talked for quite a while then decided to get in a relationship. She suspected me of being honest and liked my curiosity. She often talked about work and family problems. She said she wanted to live in her own house with her daughter. As time went on though, I noticed she became slightly more controlling. If I didn't call her because I was busy, she accused me of lying for some odd reason. We usually kissed each other goodnight. She said "I love you" a lot, but got upset I didn't say it back. I told her she was being unreasonable because we were only in a relationship for a week. It was too soon for me to say "I love you" and mean it. She broke up with me and claimed I was just playing with her. After the break up, I made one last attempt to get her back. She refused so I gave up too. After sometime though, I felt she secretly wanted me back once she got to know me better. I got the feeling she realized I was loyal and honest, but was too ashamed to ask me out again.
The next woman I was in a relationship with really devastated me. Everything seemed great. We were talking regularly, laughing, flirting, kissing, etc. We got to know each other on a pretty personal level. She told me her family history. She said she resented her father for being distant. He spent time with his family then left and came back then did the same thing. She told me she got in a relationship with a man at a bar. He got her drunk, they had sex, and she got pregnant. After that, he left and became distant.
When we got in a relationship, I was scared of commitment. It felt like I was a prisoner. I gave her what I wanted in a relationship and she agreed. I was anxious and paranoid. I felt like she was a cheater, but didn't know why. There was no proof she cheated so I didn't understand why I was worried. I never accused her of cheating or had any angry outbursts. I did politely ask her to translate what she said to certain male friends or why she wore her ex's engagement rings.
One night, we were talking about meeting each other in person. I met her relatives. They invited me to meet up at a beach or party. I agreed. After that, she stopped contacting me. She said she was too busy, but talked to others regularly on social media. She told me messenger was broken, had a poor internet connection, and had family problems so that's why she couldn't message me. I was really baffled and hurt. I thought "what happened? Everything was going great. Why is she distant? maybe she’s just really busy and needs to invest in her social life too..maybe i’m being unrealistic..”
I decided to get answers. I talked to someone close about it. I asked "why do you think she's avoiding me?" She looked at our conversations and said "I don't know.." I didn't do anything bad to her that would cause her to be distant. I went to some "dating coaches." They gave horrible explanations that didn't make sense. They basically said "If she avoids you, she's just not interested. Move on.." If she wasn't interested, why did she get in a relationship with me? Why didn't she just tell me she wanted to break up?" I knew she was interested. Others told me to just wait until she replies. I can't rely on a relationship to make me happy. I thought "this is better advice, but it's still not good enough. How do i know if she's really busy or just avoiding me? If she's avoiding me, why should I stay in this relationship? Relationships aren't supposed to be sources of happiness, but your partners are still supposed to commit to them. If they don't, there's a serious problem."
I came up with alot of reasons to stay. I thought to myself “maybe i should just keep waiting until she responds. I need to relax. She’s telling me the truth..”
Finally, i got angry and frustrated. I had enough. I was tired of lying to myself and putting up with this. I was tired of making excuses for her and making her a priority while i was just an option to her. I was tired of dreaming about things getting better in the future instead of making them better now. I was tired of looking back on good memories we had instead of making them now. I was tired of saying “i’m in a relationship”, but wondering about better women who could give me what i needed. I realized she wasn’t trust-worthy, honest, or serious about this relationship. No one is too busy to talk to you. It’s all about priorities. Most of my friends are busy, but they still manage to talk to me or even say a simple “hello.” She wasn’t doing any of that.
I told myself “I’m done” and ended the relationship. Waiting wasn’t going to fix the problems in our relationship which mainly had to do with a lack of honest communication and trust. I still had questions that needed answers. I knew the dating community didn't give satisfactory explanations and my ex wasn't going to honestly tell me so I looked to science. I was shocked when scientists explained that the main cause of dysfunctional relationships is childhood trauma. People who avoid someone and say things like "I'm too busy.." have a fear of intimacy. They're scared of being too close to someone because it brings up the pain of childhood abandonment. Their solution is to avoid intimacy and keep a superficial relationship at best to avoid being abandoned.
Everything made perfect sense. I analyzed her traits and background. She fit the description of someone who avoids intimacy. I had the feeling she avoided her exes as she avoided me. I asked her why they left her. She simply said, "I don't know.." I didn't believe her. I felt like the truth was she avoided them to a point where they got tired of it and broke up.