More general relating than poly specific, but useful to know.
And I don't know if these were mentioned yet. They are poly specific about pitfalls and making agreements.
Again, YMMV.
And keep in mind that feeling jealous or envious isn't a bad thing and it doesn't have to be "erased." Poly people DO experience jealousy and envy.
Jealousy = I have something and I am afraid someone else will take it away
Envy = I want something someone else has
Just like they experience feeling sad, happy, angry, scared, etc. People experience feelings. It's just that some poly people learn to do their emotional management and are willing to put up with feeling more stuff because they have more partners. That is ok. Just as it is ok to NOT want to put up with that much stimulus and choose to date less people or date only in 1:1 models. Because when you a poly and date several partners, you have feelings going on in every dyad connection. It can be INTENSE. Things are happy with partner A, but rough with partner B -- totally opposite collection of feelings happening to you AT THE SAME TIME. Or maybe there's also a partner C or D and the collection of current feelings in that dyad add to the mix and one can feel kinda emotional roller coaster depending which relationship they are thinking about and what feelings are currently going on in that one.
There's just so many more resources -- books, website, podcasts etc -- than there used to be. You have to pick and choose what will resonate for YOU because not all of them will.
Kathy Labriola has most of her articles online for free at
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
If you want the full thing the title is
"Love in Abundance"
She also put out a
"Jealousy workbook." I have not read the newer one yet --
Poly Break Up Book.
Some people like
"When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships." Or
Jealousy Survival Guide.
You have had a rough start to this whole thing due to just jumping in at the deep end with little preparation. Plus him getting all caught up in NRE and neglecting his established relationship. Then the other layers of teen partner and kink issues.
You sound like you are willing to try to spend a year catching up your education and become more informed. You might consider seeking a poly counselor to help support you in this year. Internet people can only do so much and having someone in real life for support might make a difference to you. You might also do personal work with the counselor like the anxiety and abandonment issues.
If he lists what "catch up poly work" and what "personal work" he's planning on doing during the trial year and it seems reasonable an fair, then ok. Give it a go.
But if he's not going to do
anything? If he expects it to be "I can do whatever I want, and you have to work on yourself/feelings to get good with that" -- that's is skewed, not realistic and not fair. You don't have to spend a year putting up with
fresh like that. It is OK for you to feel angry if he's doing poor behavior at you or has unrealistic expectations in the relationship. You do NOT have to "get good" with being someone else's door mat or punching bag -- verbal, emotional, physical or otherwise.
In the bigger picture? You guys have only been together 2 years is. NRE (new relationship energy) wears off between 6 mos and 2 years. Then you get to see a person's true colors. If you don't like what is coming out?
That may influence your willingness to try.
Tread with caution and have your BS meter turned on. I'm with Mags -- when a person shows you their true colors? BELIEVE it.
GL!
Galagirl
