MrOriginal2
New member
My wife said she identified as poly a couple years ago and wanted two male partners. She said even when she was a little girl she often thought of having two partners and that that felt very important to her. I was much more monogamously oriented. We had been together for 22 amazing years and were each other's first and only partners and that seemed really special and rare and sacred and pure and I wanted that to stay for our whole lives. I completely doted on her and supported her in everything. I've been supporting her for thirteen years as she tried course after course trying to find a profession that felt right for her, while she also ran the house and managed the money and was a stay at home mom. I payed for her courses and materials by working 6 days a week, took on extra chores, took the kids on weekends to give her time, strategized ways of keeping the kids from interrupting her when she was home alone with them, helped think of business names, proof read stuff, design logos, encouraged her when she was down and told her how smart and capable she was and that I wanted to see her in her element and empowered and to be the best version of herself she could be. I also spoiled her this whole time. I made sure there was always a fresh bouquet of flowers on the table, always something yummy for dessert at the end of the day, wine, carol ann's, gave her almost weekly massages, sent her lovey texts throughout the day, commuted 16 hours a week so that we could live in a rural community that she loved, told her how beautiful and sexy she was, gave her lots of hugs and kisses, always held her hand while driving, always let her pick the music, never fought with her when she yelled at me (often), and rocked in the bedroom. With me being gone until into the evening (because I was working late and commuting) and getting home exhausted and not being particularly chatty (but still taking over chores and kids - my oldest son has since said, when looking over a list of chores, that I did about 60% of them, my MIL who came to stay with us once a month said she thought I did more like 80%) she felt she wasn't getting enough adult social time. So I encouraged her to do something where she could get a bit of adult time and get out of the house for a bit. She joined a women's song circle, pole dance, and a weekly free dance. I would now get home and she often wouldn't be there. I'd heat up my dinner, tidy, wash pots and pans, take out the compost, get kids to bed, feed, water and close up chickens and give the guinea pigs their bedtime snacks and feed the leopard geko, make school lunches, and then make her a hot chocolate to heat up when she got home, put on soft music and lit incense, put the heating pad under the blanket on her side of the bed, and then went to sleep alone, as I'd be up at 6:20am for the next day's commute. I loved feeling like I was being the best possible husband I could be. And the purity of only ever being with each other seemed so beautiful to me. It was increadibly painful that my wife didn't see things the same. There's no compromise on something like that though, one of us could get what they wanted and the other didn't. So I worked to be ok with it. I eventually came to the point where I felt I could be ok or even happy if we developed a closed, co-living triangle rather that a V. I hated the thought of her going off to be with someone else and leaving me alone, but felt it could just be an extension of our relationship if we were all together. I'm not bisexual but felt I could be biromantic and have a loving, romantic relationship with a man that didn't involve sex with each other. She said that was her ideal and seemed really excited. She then went and within a few weeks hooked up with the first guy she found that had a crush on her, who was not particularily comfortable with polyamorism but decided to try to be open minded and give it a try for a bit. However this meant doing exactly what I said I don't want - going off and spending time with another guy and leaving me at home alone. It really hurt that she did that but I tried to be ok with it. I really wanted her to be happy and I never felt like I owned her or had any right to tell her what to do. However, instead of being happy and grateful and loving me for doing that, my wife immediately started being very cold and distanced from me. She didn't want to hear about let alone address some of my insecurities, which immediately amplified them. She seemed really unhappy around me rather than being grateful and thrilled that I was trying to go along with exactly what I said I didn't want and showed no appreciation and displayed no gratitude. She started having sex with him, and only had sex with me once after that, drastically complicating my STI history, as we had only been with each other before that and her new boyfriend had had multiple complicated relationships in the past and yet they had unprotected sex right from the start. She started treating me so badly, I felt our relationship slipping away when it was supposed to make it stronger. I had given my whole heart and soul to her and based all my future dreams on us being together, so I started having my suicidal feelings coming back from my teens. She refused to help me or support me with this, even after I started going to therapy, and when things got critical she had the cops pick me up at work and take me to psychiatric emergency so I couldn't kill myself when she told me over speaker phone that when I got home she and the kids wouldn't be there. She has since started telling people that our relationship was abusive and manipulative. From what I can tell, when she pushed away another kiss or hug, refused to say anything appreciative, didn't do much that was nice for me etc. I would look dejected (just naturally so, not to make her feel bad) and that would make her feel guilty, so she would sometimes accept kisses and hugs and sex that she didn't really want but didn't want to "deal with" me being hurt from yet more rejection. I had no idea that she was doing that. I always thought I was doing things for us and always focused on her pleasure when we made love - always doing it however she wanted and making her climax as much as she wanted, dozens of times sometimes. I was never a "taker". She has also said she now feels like she can finally move forward with a career now that she isn't spending all her energy "managing my emotional needs". She's mostly living with her boyfriend now and is refusing to see or speak to me other than perfunctory texts about the house or kids. When I wrote an email expressing some of my feelings about everything (still being mostly positive and offering to help her in any way I can and saying I still love her as a person and want the best for her - I'd already offered to go to councelling, to support her setting up a lucrative online-business she loved rather than just getting a regular 9-5 cuz she needs to, you know, actually work now, and said I want us to be amicable and able to have dinners and movie nights all together, birthday parties and holiday dinners together etc.), she didn't reply, just called the cops on me and had them come to the house with the kids there and everything to tell me she wants no communication in any way shape or form for any reason and that I need to route all communication through the police crisis councellor. Wow. That escalated quickly. So yeah. That was my experience with polyamory. Incidentally, her boyfriend is 17 years older than her, has never been married or had kids, is not wealthy (makes less money than me), and since she wasn't working we have fewer assets than liabilities, so she'll just walk away from our marriage with a bunch of debt. She is also suddenly OK with having a monogamous relationship with this guy. Her behaviour is pretty inexplicable to everyone around her. Ironically, I actually would be open to trying a closed triangle if I met an amazing couple or something. But this just shows how you really never know how things will go and it really does not matter how much you try or how much you do, things are really never in your control.
