Are my feelings irrational here? Any words are good words.

[Dcisne]

Can anyone give me advice on the best way to ask for more of her time? Currently we're a long distance away, we call each other before we go to sleep, and I'll call before I go to work. She doesn't always answer, and when she does she's completely exhausted.

I know she talks with her OSO during the day, and I'm feeling hurt that the only time I get to spend speaking with her is when she's tired. She'll text throughout the day, but then she goes dark for hours at a time. I don't want constant contact, but I want awake contact. That doesn't feel unreasonable to me. I don't want all my time to be with a groggy person. It is really frustrating me tonight. She said we could Skype and that she'd call me in an hour and a half. It's been almost two hours.

I understand that sometimes life can't run on a schedule, I do. But in any relationship structure wouldn't it be important to keep a time frame? I may not always call on the exact minute when I say I will, but it's always within ten. I semi joke with her and say that she operates on Jane (not her name real name) Time. And I'm correct, it's always an hour or more past when says she'll call.

One circumstance was when she said she'd call right after her shower. She said she'd call in "20 minutes, tops." I didn't get a call for an hour and half. When I asked her what took so long, she said she'd gotten a call from her OSO and lost track of time.

Is that ok? I feel like my time isn't being valued here. I'm the one stuck waiting. I've compromised so much in this relationship; it feels like the least she could do for me is value my time.

In the eyes of others. Are my feelings rational or irrational? I need a neutral perspective please. I hope someone sees this tonight. Luckily I'm off tomorrow, so I can afford to wait up tonight. But this is so incredibly stressful for me, and I really don't want to make her feel bad. But if I discuss this with her, I don't see a way around it.

I understand he had needs to. I'm not upset about that, and I really don't want to impede on their time together. I'm just hurting in this moment.

 

[IndieSolo]

Okay, so this is pure speculation, but maybe she is making promises she can't keep because she's feeling pressured by your need for contact. Instead of just being able to get in touch when she wants, and when she is awake, she knows you are expecting it - so it feels like a demand instead of organically reaching out when she can, and so she says she will call/text because she feels she has to do it, or owes it to you. She wants to, but it is unrealistic for her to do so as often as you expect on her current daily schedule and with her workload. It also sounds like she is more of a spontaneous person who responds to what presents itself in the moment, and doesn't want to abide by a schedule, so she took the call from her OSO rather than telling him she would get back to him after speaking to you. Or she might have taken that call because she's unconsciously protesting that you expect this from her.

I don't see how you could be mad that she is too pooped to get in touch -- you know, have some compassion if she's exhausted! I don't understand how something like this is "incredibly stressful" for you, when it sounds like she is under a great deal of stress herself. How often or when she talks to anyone else isn't relevant to you. Manage your own relationship, not her other ones. If I were you, I would say to her that she doesn't have to feel obligated to make promises that are hard for her to fulfill, and then apologize for adding pressure to her already busy schedule. Let her know when you're available, and that she should just be in touch when she wants to. And then let go of your expectations as best you can.

 

[graviton]

Okay, so this is pure speculation, but maybe she is making promises she can't keep because she's feeling pressured by your need for contact. Instead of just being able to get in touch when she wants, and when she is awake, she knows you are expecting it - so it feels like a demand instead of organically reaching out when she can, and so she says she will call/text because she feels she has to do it, or owes it to you. She wants to, but it is unrealistic for her to do so as often as you expect on her current daily schedule and with her workload. It also sounds like she is more of a spontaneous person who responds to what presents itself in the moment, and doesn't want to abide by a schedule, so she took the call from her OSO rather than telling him she would get back to him after speaking to you. Or she might have taken that call because she's unconsciously protesting that you expect this from her.

I don't see how you could be mad that she is too pooped to get in touch -- you know, have some compassion if she's exhausted! I don't understand how something like this is "incredibly stressful" for you, when it sounds like she is under a great deal of stress herself. How often or when she talks to anyone else isn't relevant to you. Manage your own relationship, not her other ones. If I were you, I would say to her that she doesn't have to feel obligated to make promises that are hard for her to fulfill, and then apologize for adding pressure to her already busy schedule. Let her know when you're available, and that she should just be in touch when she wants to. And then let go of your expectations as best you can.

Agreed. Let go of these expectations or they will breed resentment. I've been in her shoes and can tell you its no fun. The expectation you are placing on her right now makes these scheduled times to talk feel more like a burden and a job rather than a chance to connect.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Agreed. Let go of these expectations or they will breed resentment.

To the two great responses above, I'll add that this is a good opportunity for you to re-evaluate how you approach relationships in general. So very much focus on her actions making you happy is a set up for her non-actions to spark a lot of pain in you. You're dependent on her behavior to dish out joy or dish out disappointment and anxiety. Your mind is scrambling to figure out (via reading her behavior) whether she loves you and prioritizes you and with every missed deadline of a call, your heart sinks a little deeper.

As has been said, your GF senses this and your enormous need for her to display behavior that eases your fears. The more needy you are of her behaving in ways that soothe your anxiety, the more she pulls away because she can't possibly give enough to fill your well. This is why women often complain that "he pulls away when the relationship gets close" but of course this happens no matter the genders involved. The solution is always for you to stop focusing so heavily on whether your love is returned in equal measure and focus instead on the joy of just feeling love. When we obsess about being loved back, we cut ourselves off from the happiness that love has to offer. We also cut off many of the aspects of ourselves that the other person found so attractive. Relationships are fluid and always an ongoing co-endeavor, so it's very possible for you to influence a change in relationship dynamic by changing your approach to it. If you focus on her lack of attention, you'll get more of that. If you focus on simply loving her, you'll create fertile ground for more love to grow in your life. Be open to what unfolds and don't get trapped by anxiety over what isn't happening as you need it to happen. Let people be separate and don't make anyone responsible for your own happiness. In focusing this way, you come to relationships with a never ending wellspring of love to offer (which is very attractive) instead of with a cup that is dependent on the pleasing behavior of others to constantly keep full. The more you can cultivate your own inner security and source of love, the less need you bring along to relationships and the more you create an environment for truly enjoyable (and anxiety free) relationships to thrive.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you hurt.

I don't want constant contact. I want awake contact.

That is reasonable to want.

She makes promises she does not follow through on. She could not do that.

That is a worse feeling to me that dealing with disappointment if she were more up front and said "You can expect me to call at random if you want awake contact." I rather be told straight up and deal with my own disappointment that to get awake, I give up scheduled. I would want honesty in what she can actually deliver. The honesty would help the single load disappointment go down easier.

I rather not deal in double load. (Disappointed in her lack of follow through eroding credibility in her Word) plus (disappointment we did not connect as she led me to believe.) I don't like dealing with flakiness -- I value honesty and stability.

I do not think it is unreasonable to feel yucky right now. You have a connection need that is not being met. It is that simple. Before in your other post a few days ago you thought

She meets all of my needs in a relationship

and now you are learning that actually... she doesn't meet all your needs. She's not meeting your need for awake connection or your need for honesty/follow through.

If she is not willing/able to meet connection need, she is not willing/able to meet it. But that is easier to digest when it comes packaged honestly.

But this is so incredibly stressful for me, and I really don't want to make her feel bad. But if I discuss this with her, I don't see a way around it.

You are not out to MAKE her feel bad. You are stating clearly where you stand. She's not a mind reader. She can also handle her own feelings.

Could talk to her about it. Could tell her you prefer to just not expect regular calls at bedtime. You prefer she call you when she is actually awake and actually able to follow through instead of her creating one expectation and then leaving you hanging.

That behavior is becoming chronic... Making promises she isn't keeping. Easier for you if she stops that behavior.

You could add a rider of you own too -- you could be looking out for your own need to not be left dangling more assertively. Like...

"Ok, I hear you say you promise to call in 20 minutes tops. But if I don't hear from you in 30 min on the outside, I'm moving on to doing my other stuff and winding it down. I need my own sleep."

That is fair.

Is that ok? I feel like my time isn't being valued here. I'm the one stuck waiting. I've compromised so much in this relationship; it feels like the least she could do for me is value my time.

YOU could value your time and not keep yourself hanging around waiting on her.

YOU could not overextend yourself in compromise for too little a return.

YOU could be honest about where you are at and tell her.

If this becomes bigger or keeps on continuing... you could also stop dating her.

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner. Some people just are not a match. This could be the case here. There's compromise, and then there's just bending all out of shape trying to force something to fly that just... doesn't.

You could sit back to reflect and make that call. I think you had good words for yourself in your other post that you could honor:

I don't want her to be unhappy, but likewise I won't kill myself internally if this turns out to be something I really can't do.

I feel like maybe this just really isn't how I can live my life and still feel healthy.

Galagirl

 

[tenK]

You want quality and quantity. Your girlfriend doesn't seem able to give you both, so she has focused on (regular-ish) quantity. I'd just be up front with her and say that I'd actually prefer to have quality time with her, even if it's less frequent. Underlyingly, it seems you are anxious about your place in her life. You are interpreting her flakiness as a sign that she prioritises you less highly than you'd like. That may well be true, or it might be your fears playing up. Rather than beat around the bush and use the quality and quantity of your contact with one another as a metric of the degree of her prioritisation of your relationship, you might be better off asking her outright if this is working for her. At least you will have a direct answer to a direct question and then know either way.

How long are you long-distance for? Is this something that will ever change? Is her SO local to her and getting face-to-face time you crave? What is the overall quality of your relationship with her? These are all things that I think it's important to consider in moving forward. Without knowing the answers to those questions, your story comes across like there is some disparity in how you both see things (e.g. you make her a priority, she makes you an option) which doesn't sound entirely joyful.

 

[Dcisne]

Thank you for all of the responses. Third person perspectives help.

For anyone who doesn't know. I'm a mono in a poly relationship and I've been making a lot of progress in feeling comfortable in this relationship structure. I've been talking with her SO and building a friendship.

This is her first poly relationship. I was open to it from the beginning because I would never want to stifle any aspect of who she is. She's the one who made the point of me calling her before I go to work and is speaking before we go to sleep. I'm more than willing to speak with her any time she would like.

I was frustrated because of broken promises. If she says she'll call me when she gets home from school and says it'll be 20 minutes; but I don't hear from her for an hour of course that's stressful. I don't know if she got into an accident on her way or something like that.

I'm not trying to manage either of her relationships, she's an adult. And frankly, their time together is their's, why would I want to push myself into their bond? I would just like to share my time with a coherent person who can say more than "Mhm."

Both he and I are currently long distance from her, and I definitely understand that splitting already limited time (limited even further by needing to use a phone), is probably very stressful for her. Luckily she's coming out in a week or so and she can see both of us during that time. I work OT so that her and I will have the money to travel when she finishes school. I don't have a lot of time to just talk as it is, let alone a social life right now.

Thanks for the perspectives. Edit* She refers to me as her "Primary," and from what I read on poly relationships that's not a fair term. I am very comfortable in our connection. I was wondering how to best ask for more quality conversation time without stepping into the time she has with her SO. I was really just frustrated, not really much hurting. I'm actually very happy with our relationship and I'm sorry if my OP was misleading in this. I realized this after writing the post.

 

[GalaGirl]

She's the one who made the point of me calling her before I go to work and is speaking before we go to sleep. I'm more than willing to speak with her any time she would like.

So it is her idea on what times to talk. Then she doesn't follow through on her own ideas and it bugs you. And from the sound of it, this is not once or twice, but lots of times.

I was wondering how to best ask for more quality conversation time without stepping into the time she has with her SO

How about keeping it simple? Do you side of the job and just ask. Let her worry about her side. Maybe something like this:

"When I talk to you and you are sleepy, I find it hard to relate and have conversation when what I hear is a lot of "Mm hmm." Could you be willing to call when you are awake and more able to share quality conversation time?"​

Then let her deal with her follow through and her managing her time. She can own it. If she schedules time with you that steps on her time with her SO, she's the one doing that. Not you.

If she chronically bungles her time management and overextends herself promising things she cannot deliver? She bungles chronically.

Maybe you decide you don't want to deal in tryingto poly with a chronically bungling hinge person. Only you can define your limit of tolerance for all that.

But don't NOT have the conversations you need to be having. That doesn't help you any.

Sort this out.

Galagirl

 

[Dagferi]

Dude LIFE HAPPENS. You are getting spun because she can't call you at the exact moment you are given.

Wow.. Relax. Things come up. For example I promised to call Murf when I got home from work the other day. Well traffic was a bitch and I got home 15 minutes late. Came in my house to be told my 13 yo dog was having a physical problem. He needed tending to. The cat barfed on the rug. The kids needed their stuff signed. I could not call him until several hours past when I promised. He didn't freak out.

He couldn't text me on his first break from work last night. I only get to talk to him between 4:30p and 5p while he gets ready for work. On his first break @ 9p for 10 minutes. And for a half hour at midnight if I can stay awake. I didn't flip when I didn't hear from him last night.

The quickest way to send someone running is by being a needy mess.

 

[FallenAngelina]

.....I feel like my time isn't being valued here. I'm the one stuck waiting. I've compromised so much in this relationship; it feels like the least she could do for me is value my time.

......I hope someone sees this tonight. Luckily I'm off tomorrow, so I can afford to wait up tonight. But this is so incredibly stressful for me, and I really don't want to make her feel bad. But if I discuss this with her, I don't see a way around it.

I was really just frustrated, not really much hurting. I'm actually very happy with our relationship and I'm sorry if my OP was misleading in this....

No matter how you slice it, you are exraordinarily bound up in measuring the amount of time she doles out to you (or doesn't.) Who set things up this way and why are they continuing on? Are you interested in taking responsibility for your part in this dance?

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I agree that this is more about managing expectations than managing time.

You call them "promises" to call you. Does she actually use the words "I promise?" Or does she just "say" she'll call. Those are different.

Some people take it very seriously when they say they'll do something. Others are laid back and don't really take every conversation as a promise set in stone.

Some people are just forgetful. That's not a character flaw, it's just something you have to learn to deal with. It doesn't mean she doesn't value you. She could just be getting busy with things, get distracted, and forget. It's nothing personal.

My husband works all day running trains. He's constantly busy. He'll say he'll call me back in 5 minutes, and I won't hear for him for 4 hours. Add in the danger factor of working on the rail road. I used to get really worried when I didn't hear from him, but I've just come to accept that's how it is. I'm just hopeful that if there is an accident, someone will think to notify me before it's too late.

In my relationship with Auto, it's me who's the spaz. We text now and then, rarely chat on the phone, but mostly just talk on our dates. When we got together, it really bothered her that I was like your gf, not in communication all the time. She was ready to leave me over it, as she self-describes as "needy" and I wasn't cutting it. Thankfully her husband talked her down, reminded her how busy we both were, and told her she just needed to get over it. She kinda harumphed for a bit, and then accepted it. If our relationship was going to happen, "needy" wasn't going to work.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Dcisne,

I guess your feelings are reasonable up to a certain point -- as long as you don't expect military precision from her, or expect her to constantly contact you whenever you're awake, or other extreme stuff like that. My impression is that you have two complaints:

• You don't want her to call when she's too tired to carry her half of the conversation.
• You want her to keep her word and call close to the time she said she'd call.

I guess those bullet points seem reasonable enough, though it's a question of how to make that stuff happen. I'm thinking you'll have to give some stuff up. For example you'll have to tell her, "Don't call me if you're dead tired." You'll have to tell her, "Don't tell me to expect a call if you're not 100% sure you can call at the time promised." And maybe that all adds up to not getting as many calls from her. But, as tenK said, maybe it's better to sacrifice some quantity in order to obtain some quality.

If she does promise to call at a certain time, would she mind if you called her? like not on the button but say, ten minutes after she said she'd call? I get the impression she might be kind of disorganized and not very good at sticking to a plan.

Those are my initial thoughts anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.