I know at least half of men/women cheat. It's not easy in this world to be poly. But wouldn't most of the cheating/jealousy go away if poly became a more normal/natural situation? I think all those that are cheating are not only lying to their partners, but also keeping the whole monogamous paradigm in effect.
Aren't most people poly, but in denial?
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Inyourendo
New member
Being poly doesn't mean cheating doesn't exist. Ive often feel like having an affair would be so much easier than dealing with my partner's constant issues. After nearly a year with having a boyfriend it's become peaceful but damn its been a year of roller coasters. If I had just continued to let him have his many MANY fuck buddies and I stayed monogamous to him life would have been so much easier for me. I chose to exercise my right to get a boyfriend, I had ton of drama, that quite honestly I could have avoided with an affair.
I would never have an affair, I should not have to because we've always been open but I can certainly understand the appeal.
I would never have an affair, I should not have to because we've always been open but I can certainly understand the appeal.
IndieSolo
Active member
Aren't most people poly, but in denial?
Some poly people think that is the case, but it's a rather unfair and dismissive statement to make for those who are happily monogamous. There are plenty of naturally monogamous people who have successful, honest relationships and do not resort to cheating. And there are plenty of poly people who lie, cheat, and are miserable - so don't put poly on a pedestal.
Some poly people think that is the case, but it's a rather unfair and dismissive statement to make for those who are happily monogamous. There are plenty of naturally monogamous people who have successful, honest relationships and do not resort to cheating. And there are plenty of poly people who lie, cheat, and are miserable - so don't put poly on a pedestal.
Polyamorous people are still capable of cheating. The difference between cheaters and poly people is that people who cheat are not honest about all their sexual/romantic relationships, whereas polyamory is typically built on honesty about them.
If one of my poly partners started having sex with someone else without telling me, that would still be cheating.
If one of my poly partners started having sex with someone else without telling me, that would still be cheating.
LovingRadiance
Active member
Define most.
Define poly.
Define cheating.
Without doing that explicitly-its impossible to even discuss.
Define poly.
Define cheating.
Without doing that explicitly-its impossible to even discuss.
I tend to want to say yes. Seems to me the idea of being straight (only seeking MF relationships) and monogamous is naturally wired in, but in many cases is a result of cultural brainwashing. Read the excellent book Sex at Dawn for an anthropological, nuanced answer (based on data), more than what you will get here from people with busy lives and not much time for more than a simple yes or no.
RichardInTN
Member
I believe that EVERYONE has the capability to be "wired" for Poly... Just like I believe that everyone has the capability to be "wired" for bisexuality.
Think of a person's sexual compatibility (both number of partners and gender of partners) like a hallway that stretches on forever, with doors on both sides. One side is "male doors", the other side is "female doors"...
In a poly/bisexual, all the doors are open and the person can freely and happily walk through any and every door at any time.
In a poly/monosexual (hetero OR homo), all the doors on ONE SIDE are open and the person can freely and happily walk through any and every open (on the side that IS open) door at any time.
In a monogamous/bisexual, all the doors can be opened, but only one can open at a time.
In a monogamous/monosexual (hetero OR homo), all the doors on ONE SIDE can be opened, but only one at a time.
In all cases, the hallway and doors are still there... just not in all cases can they all be passed through.
Also, in some cases, during our indoctrination while growing up, some of those doors of ours may be wedged shut by well meaning, but ignorant parents... and it may take us a while to "un-wedge" them... and some people that otherwise would have been poly, or bi, or both (and would undoubtedly be happier being that way) may not ever get their doors "un-wedged".
I hope that makes sense. It was much easier to picture in my head than it was to type it out
ETA: Oh, and as to how it compares to cheating... Cheating is just a lack of honor and integrity. People can lack honor and integrity in/about any subject.
Think of a person's sexual compatibility (both number of partners and gender of partners) like a hallway that stretches on forever, with doors on both sides. One side is "male doors", the other side is "female doors"...
In a poly/bisexual, all the doors are open and the person can freely and happily walk through any and every door at any time.
In a poly/monosexual (hetero OR homo), all the doors on ONE SIDE are open and the person can freely and happily walk through any and every open (on the side that IS open) door at any time.
In a monogamous/bisexual, all the doors can be opened, but only one can open at a time.
In a monogamous/monosexual (hetero OR homo), all the doors on ONE SIDE can be opened, but only one at a time.
In all cases, the hallway and doors are still there... just not in all cases can they all be passed through.
Also, in some cases, during our indoctrination while growing up, some of those doors of ours may be wedged shut by well meaning, but ignorant parents... and it may take us a while to "un-wedge" them... and some people that otherwise would have been poly, or bi, or both (and would undoubtedly be happier being that way) may not ever get their doors "un-wedged".
I hope that makes sense. It was much easier to picture in my head than it was to type it out
ETA: Oh, and as to how it compares to cheating... Cheating is just a lack of honor and integrity. People can lack honor and integrity in/about any subject.
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sparklepop
New member
Hi Justin,
In all honesty... I'm not sure. I don't think that most people are poly and in denial, but I do think that many people have the capacity to love more than one person, and CERTAINLY to be sexually attracted to more than one person.
It does frustrate me when I see someone cheating. I want to shake them and make them aware that there is another option. My best friend, for instance, is deeply in love with a monogamously married woman, and she with him. However, she loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him. My best friend would be very happy to live solo whilst sharing her, and her husband is quite submissive and seems happy to make her the Queen of the household. I can see how polyamory could enable them all to be happy. My best friend has even spoken to her about polyamory, but she feels it's not an option.
One thing that gives me pause on the idea that we are all wired to be poly is what happens when we fall in love with someone new. In monogamy, we might fall in love with a new person and cheat, or we leave our existing partner for a new partner. In poly, we so very often see that NRE takes over and whilst people 'stay' in their existing relationships, they aren't always necessarily really there in heart or mind.
I do agree that perhaps if the world became a more poly-aware place, there may be less cheating. Cheating and lying would still exist, of course - some poly people cheat - but it may be less prevalent.
I don't feel that monogamy is wrong in any way, shape, or form. I truly believe that some people only love one person at a time, whether by nature or as a conscious choice not to become intimately involved with others.
In all honesty... I'm not sure. I don't think that most people are poly and in denial, but I do think that many people have the capacity to love more than one person, and CERTAINLY to be sexually attracted to more than one person.
It does frustrate me when I see someone cheating. I want to shake them and make them aware that there is another option. My best friend, for instance, is deeply in love with a monogamously married woman, and she with him. However, she loves her husband and doesn't want to leave him. My best friend would be very happy to live solo whilst sharing her, and her husband is quite submissive and seems happy to make her the Queen of the household. I can see how polyamory could enable them all to be happy. My best friend has even spoken to her about polyamory, but she feels it's not an option.
One thing that gives me pause on the idea that we are all wired to be poly is what happens when we fall in love with someone new. In monogamy, we might fall in love with a new person and cheat, or we leave our existing partner for a new partner. In poly, we so very often see that NRE takes over and whilst people 'stay' in their existing relationships, they aren't always necessarily really there in heart or mind.
I do agree that perhaps if the world became a more poly-aware place, there may be less cheating. Cheating and lying would still exist, of course - some poly people cheat - but it may be less prevalent.
I don't feel that monogamy is wrong in any way, shape, or form. I truly believe that some people only love one person at a time, whether by nature or as a conscious choice not to become intimately involved with others.
I think there might be some overlap... but I don't think that everyone who cheats is denying that they're polyamorous, because I don't believe that everyone who cheats *loves* the partner they're cheating with. Sometimes they just want to get laid by someone who isn't their regular partner. Polyamory means *loving* more than one... not just *having sex* with more than one.
And as others have pointed out, polyamory doesn't preclude cheating.
And as others have pointed out, polyamory doesn't preclude cheating.
Taking society as a whole, I would venture that most people don't know about poly. Those who don't can't so easily be held culpable for propping up the monogamous paradigm when they cheat, since they don't realize there's another option.
I don't see monogamy as a problem per se. Some people are naturally monogamous and I don't have a problem with that. The only problem is that there is a systematic conditioning in our world that makes people think monogamy is the only right relationship model. So, many people who would be polyamorous if they knew about it, remain monogamous. But I don't think any of us know what percentage of the people that would be.
I don't see monogamy as a problem per se. Some people are naturally monogamous and I don't have a problem with that. The only problem is that there is a systematic conditioning in our world that makes people think monogamy is the only right relationship model. So, many people who would be polyamorous if they knew about it, remain monogamous. But I don't think any of us know what percentage of the people that would be.
Some poly people think that is the case, but it's a rather unfair and dismissive statement to make for those who are happily monogamous. There are plenty of naturally monogamous people who have successful, honest relationships and do not resort to cheating. And there are plenty of poly people who lie, cheat, and are miserable - so don't put poly on a pedestal.
__________________
NY Cindie just hit it right on the head. There seems to be a tendency for people in what is now a good poly relationship to have this distorted notion that monogamous people are just a bunch of frustrated uninformed poor souls who can't understand the beauty of poly or non monogamy. That kind of thinking is stupid.
When you point out the percentages of people who cheat in mono relationships, i guess you do not count breaking agreed upon boundaries every two months or making every new want an absolute need as cheating.
The fact of the matter is if you think the MAJORITY of people who try poly are living happily ever after you are really mistaken. my husband and i have been at this a long time,
and the majority of couples we have know that have tried non monogamy have ended in disaster.
Why cant we accept that the majority of people do not accept and will not accept this style as an acceptable lifestyle. And for the idealists among us, no one posting on this forum will be living when that changes.
Accept what you are and believe in and do not make ridiculous statements about the choices of others.
__________________
NY Cindie just hit it right on the head. There seems to be a tendency for people in what is now a good poly relationship to have this distorted notion that monogamous people are just a bunch of frustrated uninformed poor souls who can't understand the beauty of poly or non monogamy. That kind of thinking is stupid.
When you point out the percentages of people who cheat in mono relationships, i guess you do not count breaking agreed upon boundaries every two months or making every new want an absolute need as cheating.
The fact of the matter is if you think the MAJORITY of people who try poly are living happily ever after you are really mistaken. my husband and i have been at this a long time,
and the majority of couples we have know that have tried non monogamy have ended in disaster.
Why cant we accept that the majority of people do not accept and will not accept this style as an acceptable lifestyle. And for the idealists among us, no one posting on this forum will be living when that changes.
Accept what you are and believe in and do not make ridiculous statements about the choices of others.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
It's one thing to say that maybe we're all somewhere along the Kinsey scale, (where some of us may be extremely hetero- or homo-sexual, or somewhere in between), and it's another thing entirely to say that most of us are gay/bi but in denial. I think this kind of ends up being the same thing.
Why is one end of the scale being interpreted as "better" than the other in this case?
Like others have pointed out as well, being poly doesn't mean you're not going to cheat. One is not a magical cure for the other.
Why is one end of the scale being interpreted as "better" than the other in this case?
Like others have pointed out as well, being poly doesn't mean you're not going to cheat. One is not a magical cure for the other.
InsaneMystic
Member
I've thought for all too many years that monogamy/monoamory were just a societal construct, and mused about "freeing your natural inner poly" as a general rule everyone has to fulfill to live a truly authentic life.
In recent years, I've finally come to my senses and started to think of that old stance of mine as the complete bullshit it always was.
By now, I've talked to a good number of people who were very clear in their ethical values, values that overlap near completely with mine (stuff like honesty, independency/taking care of your own shit etc.), who convinced me beyond reasonable doubt that they really are authentically monoamorous, and could no sooner be happy in a poly relationship than I could be in a mono one. I guess it really is an orientation - much as in terms of sexuality, some folks really are 100% straight and some 100% gay by nature, there are folks who are 100% monoamorous and others who are 100% polyamorous by nature, in terms of relationships.
And just like the Kinsey scale for sexuality, there's one heck of a lot of a spectrum in between the extreme poles of purely mono/purely poly, too - "polyflexible" folks who may prefer one relationship form over the other, but can happily live in either. (R., the gal I'm with, actually is one of them - she could go monogamous without too big of a problem if that sitch came up; open/poly structures are merely a more comfortable fit for her.)
There are probably a good chunk of polyflexible folks out there who just never realized it, but I have no idea what the percentages are and won't pull any speculative number out of my ass. However, I definitely I no longer cling to the illusion that everyone, or even most people, were poly by nature, just because I happen to be so. That assumption (or rather, presumption) makes no sense to me anymore.
I still can't really relate to and fully understand how mono folks feel (and for both our sakes, I would never consider dating one, lol), but I have finally learned to respect them the way they are, and believe them when they say they're mono (at least as long as they don't preach and moralize as their only justification for it - but if they do that, they're jerkassess for being judgmental, not jerkasses for being monogamists.)
In recent years, I've finally come to my senses and started to think of that old stance of mine as the complete bullshit it always was.
By now, I've talked to a good number of people who were very clear in their ethical values, values that overlap near completely with mine (stuff like honesty, independency/taking care of your own shit etc.), who convinced me beyond reasonable doubt that they really are authentically monoamorous, and could no sooner be happy in a poly relationship than I could be in a mono one. I guess it really is an orientation - much as in terms of sexuality, some folks really are 100% straight and some 100% gay by nature, there are folks who are 100% monoamorous and others who are 100% polyamorous by nature, in terms of relationships.
And just like the Kinsey scale for sexuality, there's one heck of a lot of a spectrum in between the extreme poles of purely mono/purely poly, too - "polyflexible" folks who may prefer one relationship form over the other, but can happily live in either. (R., the gal I'm with, actually is one of them - she could go monogamous without too big of a problem if that sitch came up; open/poly structures are merely a more comfortable fit for her.)
There are probably a good chunk of polyflexible folks out there who just never realized it, but I have no idea what the percentages are and won't pull any speculative number out of my ass. However, I definitely I no longer cling to the illusion that everyone, or even most people, were poly by nature, just because I happen to be so. That assumption (or rather, presumption) makes no sense to me anymore.
I still can't really relate to and fully understand how mono folks feel (and for both our sakes, I would never consider dating one, lol), but I have finally learned to respect them the way they are, and believe them when they say they're mono (at least as long as they don't preach and moralize as their only justification for it - but if they do that, they're jerkassess for being judgmental, not jerkasses for being monogamists.
)Don't forget, there are folks like me - asexuals - who are off that scale. Even Kinsey himself had that tiny little "group X" in the statistical data that went into to the scale.
Emm
Stealth Mod
I find it's very easy to fall into thinking that everyone is/should be poly. As a relationship style it makes perfect sense to me, so I tend to forget it's not going to make the same amount of sense to everyone else. This is especially the case when I develop a crush on someone who is already in a relationship. It would be great if they were poly and available, but it's much more likely that they're happily monogamous.
Leander
Member
In denial? Yeh, probably, if someone believes that they are monogamous (or polyamourous) as a matter of fact. Polyamory isn't implicitly normal or natural. Nor is monogamy. In a simplistic sense they're both just approaches to managing our need for love and sex. If the below is true for pretty much everyone...
...then its clear there is no perfect solution. What almost certainly is a kind of denial is believing that one approach or another is ideal, for you or for anyone. We're all just doing what we can with the resources we have.
I've read that book. Its a very good, thought provoking read.
- The desire for love and sex is incredibly strong, persistent and resourceful.
- It will always seek to fulfill itself as fully as it can.
- No partner, and in fact no number of partners, can ever completely satisfy someone in all ways, indefinitely.
...then its clear there is no perfect solution. What almost certainly is a kind of denial is believing that one approach or another is ideal, for you or for anyone. We're all just doing what we can with the resources we have.
I've read that book. Its a very good, thought provoking read.