Arguments and fighting in closed poly relationships


New member
Hey all.
I'm completely new to poly, decided to try out being a unicorn (I'm 27 F and bi). Started dating this couple a short while ago. They argue a lot, and while it's never something too crucial, I always feel a little awkward and out of place in these situations as the "new addition". How do you handle arguments and figthing between different couples in your relationship? Do you get involved or do you let them sort it out by themselves? I don't want to take sides or become emotionally involved in issues that are none of my concern, but maybe now some of it is my concern?
I dunno. It's been pretty stressful so far, any input would be appreciated.



Active member
I generally try and stay out of it, if it isn't about me. That said, I'd have a concern if they were consistently putting you in the middle or even consistently fighting around you, especially since ya'll are a new couple ("Started dating this couple a short while ago") and really ought to still be in the honeymoon phase / on your best behavior.


Active member
It's been pretty stressful so far

I imagine so.

People arguing and fighting aren't welcome in my orbit. If a couple of people I know are having a hard time with each other and need to get into it, they need to embrace the reality that I don't want anything to do with it, and won't suffer that stuff to be near me.

I think you just need to figure out what an acceptable amount of relationship drama is in your life. If you don't want to be as closely involved with it as you are, just let them know. If it's a relationship worth having everyone will respond reasonably and they will be honest in turn.


Well-known member
I think "conflict resolution style" is right up there for assessing deep compatibility.

You just started dating these people. If it stresses you out this much this early into NRE when things are usually pink fluffy lala clouds? If they have a conflict resolution style you don't like and don't want to put up with? Maybe that tells you something.

You can tell them not to argue their private stuff in front of you.

You can walk away and leave the room so you don't have to listen to it.

You could break up if this is chronic and you decide it is too much drama for you.

Like if someone is volatile, breaks dishes and flings things around? I don't like being around that. If someone is passive and avoidant and goes along with whatever or sweeps things under the rug? I don't like being around that either. I prefer calmer conflict resolution.

How do you handle arguments and figthing between different couples in your relationship? Do you get involved or do you let them sort it out by themselves?

I think that's a question to ask them. Like "how do we agree to be together in this poly grouping? I prefer ____ for conflict resolution."

If you are gonna date them, date them and figure them out. Talk about the things you need to talk about. State where you stand on things. Ask where they stand on things.

If you are the fabled "unicorn?" There are other couples looking for that, you know. You don't have to put up with poor behavior just cuz this is the first couple you tried dating. You haven't been there that long nor invested all that much if you only started dating the a bit ago.

Not everyone you meet is destined to be a long haul runner. Some people aren't even going to get a date. Some that you date? Won't be initially compatible. Some that get to initially compatible? Might not be DEEPLY compatible. That's what dating is FOR -- to get to know people and sort out the compatibles.



Well-known member
I once dated a married poly man for about a year. One day we hung out with his wife of many years, doing an organization job. He was so rude and dismissive of her that day. He'd never acted that way towards me, so it gave me pause.

A few months later, he did start treating me this way.

I think you get my point.


Official Greeter
Hello fightorflight,

Generally my response to someone else fighting and arguing is to let them have at it, and not get involved. I tend to hole up in my room, rather than taking the chance of crossing someone. Honestly, arguing a lot is the style of some couples. My younger brother and his wife are seemingly always arguing, about every little thing. I just let them have at it, they don't seem to have a bad marriage.

If you feel that this couple's arguments concern or are affecting you, you could ask them (sometime when they're not arguing) to sit down with you and have a talk. You could tell them what your concerns are, and if the arguing makes you uncomfortable. Give them a turn to talk, and listen to them considerately. (Don't just look for ways to talk back at them.) Anyway those are some of my ideas.

Kevin T.