Ask a triad - advice column

I'm not sure how I'm conflating polyfidelity and polyamory... Polyfidelity would seem to be a subset of polyamory in which all participants are closed to being in relationships with anyone other than the other people within that grouping. It's still polyamory, because the people involved have loving, committed relationships with more than one person.

You admit you're speaking from your own experience when you say that people who are in a polyfidelitous arrangement have "one big bed," but then when other people say they've seen differently in their own experiences, your responses seem to be telling them they're wrong. On what basis? They're wrong because their experiences are different from yours? There are people in polyfidelitous arrangements who all share one big bed, and there are others who don't. There are those who share rooms and those who don't. There are people in polyfidelitious arrangements who do not even live together. Which is why I'm asking why cohabitation is a given in a polyfi arrangement. It is a thing that can happen, but it is also a thing that doesn't have to.

Likewise, some people might see it as a "plus one" situation. Many others don't. From the beginning, I've made it clear to Hubby that there's no "plus one" in our arrangement. I'm legally married to Hubby, but I didn't "add" Woody to my life. I met Woody and formed a relationship with him, in which there is currently discussion going on of long-term plans together, some of which include Hubby as the other factor in my life.

You're saying I'm giving "questionable factoids" and "contentious questions with no risky input" (whatever it is you mean by "risky input"). You've stated as facts that people who are polyfi live together and are open about their relationships, and you've stated as a fact that people in a V or triad, especially if they're new, are going to see the arrangement as a "plus one" deal. So I'm not the only one doling out "questionable factoids" and not backing them up. Your statements of "fact" are based solely on your own experience, by your own admission, which means they are true for what you've seen... but not necessarily for every poly person in the universe.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Here's a question that I've actualy gotten a few times, with no easy reply.

At what point should a polyfidelitous group buy a house together?

To me, this seems a necessity, otherwise you're dragging that anchor of "married couple + friends" rather than a group marriage. A friend has none of the benefits of being an owner OR being a tenant, after all, & no real say in usage of the space except what's granted by those whose names are on the paperwork. New digs would quickly fix most of that drastic imbalance.

And even if purchase has to be put off for a few years, certainly everyone could give up their current housing & find something rentable.
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Also, this was your post to which I responded. You ask when a polyfi group should buy a house together. That would seem to imply that they have not yet done so, and therefore are not yet living together, which contradicts your statement that you were assuming they were already living together.

My question still stands. "At what point", and your following statement that buying a house together "seems a necessity" presumes that all polyfi groupings will *want* to live together, and *must* live together to avoid the implication that one of them is "just a friend". You also mention "group marriage", and even in a polyfi grouping, "marriage" might not be a thing. They might not want to consider it a thing.

That statement, in addition to presuming people in polyfi arrangements will want to ride the relationship escalator, also implies, with "group marriage", that everyone in the arrangement is involved with everyone else, which may or may not be the case even in a polyfi arrangement. It's entirely possible for a polyfi arrangement to exist as a V (as was the case in my last relationship; Hubby and my previous boyfriend were both monogamous to me, and I wasn't seeking other partners; I would consider that polyfidelitous since all three of us had committed to not being involved with anyone else, but Hubby and my boyfriend, both being straight, weren't involved with each other), or as some other formation that does not include everyone being involved with everyone else.

You asked "at what point should a polyfidelitous group consider buying a house together"? My response was to ask why they "should" at all; in other words, there is no point at which they "should", because there is no "should" about it. It's down to what the people in the grouping feel is right for them, which may include NOT EVER buying a house together.
 
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I'm one leg of a poly-fi V; we share a house together. I have my own room with attached ¾ bath. The other two people in the V (the legally/lawfully married couple) have a second bedroom with a full bath nearby.

To be fair though, I do see an awful lot of newbie M/F couples here who desire to become M/F+F triads (where the couple is primary and the added "third" is their secondary). Or who recently became such a triad, or who were in such a triad but then broke up with their third.

My V started in 2006 with sharing a house together, but that turned out to be a bad situation for us and we split homes in 2008. Then little by little (a few days at a time at first), I started sharing their home with them again. I don't remember when I started living there 24/7, maybe it was 2010 or so. But that time period in which I had my own place ... saved our composite relationship.
 
I would love some advice I am the third (the girlfriend) and I'm struggling lol. However I'm a little uncomfortable posting in a public forum.
 
Hi, Poohbear. I was a third in just such a situation: MF married couple and myself as their unicorn. Every relationship has a certain amount of dysfunction, but there are a lot of helpful and experienced people here who might be able to help. They helped and supported me when things with my triad went to hell in a hand basket and can offer different points of view that we might never have thought of on our own.

Assign pseudonyms for your partners and the significant parties in your story so we can follow along but you maintain your relative privacy (given that is *is* being posted on the internet :) ) and you can ask questions once we have a bit of background. Barring that, you are welcome to PM me and/or ask if anyone else might be willing to chat more privately about what's going in your life.

It's a good community with good people and we try to help everyone who comes with an open heart and mind.
 
I am available to give advice via PM (as well as on any public thread on this forum).
 
Ok so I've been in a triad a little over 2 years. I will call him M and her S. The first 6 months was a LDR and then I moved states away to be with them. It was rocky from the start of the move. There were alot of issues that I didn't know being states away I didn't see. Not bad just S with some insecurities. And at times it has gotten better for a bit and then I realize it's really not. I'm reminded semi regularly that "he's my fucking husband" . This is my first poly relationship and my first ff relationship. So Ive been of the mind set for a long time that I must be in the wrong or my thinking is incorrect. But I've recently opened my eyes to the fact that really I'm not. Alot of times I feel like a third wheel and completely on the out on some things plans, one on one time with him is pretty much a no unless it's extinuating circumstances that can't be helped. Ive learned that unless absolutely necessary M and I don't communicate with out her knowing all the details or a part of the conversation. The fight most of the time ain't worth it. So talking to them has became almost impossible most of the time. I'm at a loss on what to do. They get more secretive I get more bitchy we fight and nothing really gets changed bc I'm wrong. I'm open to pm with anyone that can help I do have more details thst can be given. I'm new to this forum so I do not know how to pm someone. Thanks everyone.
 
starting a new thread on this
 
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Male in FFM Triad

Hello there. I'm so glad you're here and that you're okay with me asking for some advice... I've been with my fiance, Dani, for 3 years now, we've got plans to get married, probably next year sometime. I'll admit that our relationship has been rocky as of late, largely because of her debilitating chronic illness and our perpetual financial wreckage that we're in... I am working full time during the week, serving in the army reserves one weekend a month, and donating plasma for money twice a week to try to keep everything together and it's very difficult and stressful. Anyway, that's some background... We met Rae (girlfriend) about two months ago when we had started exploring the idea of swinging... shortly after that we ended up dating her and then entering the triad relationship. What bothers me and is a problem that we're having... Dani is feeling insecure and doesn't want Rae and I to spend any time alone together. Rae and I both feel like that's not really fair, because I work 9 hours a day from monday through friday and Dani is spending all that time alone with Rae, and has informed me that they do spend a lot of that time alone together having sex. It just seems a little... skewed. I don't know how to push the issue without freaking her out... I'm not going to leave her for Rae, we're not running away together and leaving her behind. We both love Dani too. But my relationship with Rae is going to end up strained if we don't get to spend some time together... I don't know how to deal with it. Thanks for any advice you might have.

--Nate
 
Poohbear1978 said:
Ok so I've been in a triad a little over 2 years. I will call him M and her S. The first 6 months was a LDR and then I moved states away to be with them. It was rocky from the start of the move. There were alot of issues that I didn't know being states away I didn't see. Not bad just S with some insecurities. And at times it has gotten better for a bit and then I realize it's really not. I'm reminded semi regularly that "he's my fucking husband" . This is my first poly relationship and my first ff relationship. So Ive been of the mind set for a long time that I must be in the wrong or my thinking is incorrect. But I've recently opened my eyes to the fact that really I'm not. Alot of times I feel like a third wheel and completely on the out on some things plans, one on one time with him is pretty much a no unless it's extinuating circumstances that can't be helped. Ive learned that unless absolutely necessary M and I don't communicate with out her knowing all the details or a part of the conversation. The fight most of the time ain't worth it. So talking to them has became almost impossible most of the time. I'm at a loss on what to do. They get more secretive I get more bitchy we fight and nothing really gets changed bc I'm wrong. I'm open to pm with anyone that can help I do have more details thst can be given. I'm new to this forum so I do not know how to pm someone. Thanks everyone.
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Click on anyone's name and you'll get a drop down menu, and "send a private message" is on it.

Read this for info on how to deal with your secondary status.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyconfigurations.html
 
Poohbear, the search function here is your friend! There are plenty of threads about triads. If you browse them, you might find useful advice for your situation, too. You can do either a tag search or search with keyword(s). Try words like triad, secondary, unicorn, couple's privilege.

Your situation sounds not nice at all, but unfortunately it is not unusual in triads. It is way too common that the woman of the original couple gets jealous and tries to forbid interaction between "her man" and "their third". Often it goes badly for the third. Triads are infamous of ending in a huge explosion and most often everyone getting hurt - the most vulnerable one the worst.
 
Nadya, I understand all that... It probably wasn't the most desirable thing to happen, but Rae ended up needing to quit her job as a live-in health aid for the woman she was working for (She was emotionally abusive, and treated her like an indentured servant rather than an employee) and had nowhere else in the area to stay... so she's staying with us. She moved in about 2 weeks ago. I have therapy starting next week at the veterans center, which is very close by our house. I am thinking about bringing up our poly relationship dynamic and seeing if we can schedule group therapy sessions (since this therapy is free for me because of my veteran's status, I figure if this is an option it is definitely worth pursuing.) I really feel like being able to talk to a professional about the issues we're having would help us all.
 
Narball said:
Hello there. I'm so glad you're here and that you're okay with me asking for some advice... I've been with my fiance, Dani, for 3 years now, we've got plans to get married, probably next year sometime. I'll admit that our relationship has been rocky as of late, largely because of her debilitating chronic illness and our perpetual financial wreckage that we're in... I am working full time during the week, serving in the army reserves one weekend a month, and donating plasma for money twice a week to try to keep everything together and it's very difficult and stressful. Anyway, that's some background... We met Rae (girlfriend) about two months ago when we had started exploring the idea of swinging... shortly after that we ended up dating her and then entering the triad relationship. What bothers me and is a problem that we're having... Dani is feeling insecure and doesn't want Rae and I to spend any time alone together. Rae and I both feel like that's not really fair, because I work 9 hours a day from monday through friday and Dani is spending all that time alone with Rae, and has informed me that they do spend a lot of that time alone together having sex. It just seems a little... skewed. I don't know how to push the issue without freaking her out... I'm not going to leave her for Rae, we're not running away together and leaving her behind. We both love Dani too. But my relationship with Rae is going to end up strained if we don't get to spend some time together... I don't know how to deal with it. Thanks for any advice you might have.

--Nate
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Hey Narball, the OP of this old thread has disappeared. I suspect her happy triad ended up not so happy after all.

I read your intro and now I see that you've only known Rae 2 months and she's already living with you and your (ill) fiancee. And Dani has tried to force you to not spend one on one time with Rae, even though she spends 45 hours a week with her, mostly having sex???

How is this reasonable? You must speak openly, one on one, or all 3 at once, to get to the bottom of your fiancee's ridiculous attempt to be the boss here, demanding she decide how you and Rae spend your time.

And consider having Rae get her own place. It sounds like too much too soon here. You all are in over your heads. I suspect you had her move in to help with rent, since you're financially strapped. But it sounds messy, right off the bat. How do both women get to hang out alone together at home, while you are working your butt off supporting them? I guess Dani is too sick to work. Is she on SSI disability? Is Rae job hunting?
 
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Dani is working with the department of vocational rehabilitation and the department of social security to apply for disability and attempt to go back to college sometime soon. Rae is job hunting, yes. I mean, I don't think they're MOSTLY having sex while I'm at work but I know that that is something they do while I'm not home. Rae and I have both expressed to Dani, openly and honestly, that we NEED to have the chance to spend time alone together. Dani wants to make sure that if we do that, though, that she is actively busy doing something else. I have no idea what that could be though, she doesn't go anywhere or do anything on her own. We aren't ignoring the problems, we are actively pursuing solutions. Having Rae there to help with rent is definitely part of the idea. Yeah, the fact that the original poster of this thread has disappeared has already been pointed out to me, so I'll probably be posting my own thread sometime this afternoon.
 
@ Poohbear1978 ... you can PM me using the following link ... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/private.php?do=newpm&u=47455

More generally, you can click on any member's username at the top of their posts, and get a drop-down menu that includes a PM option.

@ Poohbear1978 ... your partners aren't treating you right. I assume you don't want to break up with them, but the situation is pretty serious. Possibly you could seek out a poly-friendly counselor.

@ Nate ... you really need to insist on some private time for you and Rae. I can't guarantee Dani won't freak out, the best you can do is break the news gently, and hope. Gently but firmly.

As for your therapy, make sure your therapist is poly-friendly. If s/he doesn't know about poly but has an open mind, you could ask him/her to read "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a book by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

Re: the OP of this thread ("happytriad") ... seems to have gone missing, for whatever reason, but I still think other forum members can fill in and give advice to people in triad situations. Just my way of looking at things.
 
New to polyamory - Triad

Howdy guys,
Well, I will try not to make this post 3 billion words long, this is my first interaction with a
Backgrou polyamory group, and just wanted to share my experiences and see input to see if I can further the conversation and gain insight...

Background: My partner and I have been together over ten years since we were in college, having only ever been intimate with each other (and not wanting to "miss out"), about 2 years ago we thought we would try opening up a bit, so we had some encounters that were really unfulfilling and decided it was best not to mess with a good thing, haha. We then met a person online who one of us had known casually through instagram for almost a year, but the relationship never went past superficial conversation. When we both started talking to this person, a connection was quickly established and things escalated to the point of beginning to have feelings for this person within the first few weeks of conversation beyond the superficial level. This was about 6 months ago.

Since then things have progressed to the point that we consider ourselves a triad practicing polyfidelity, overall it has been amazing... there have been hiccups of course, with the main issue being the original partners letting go of the fear that this new relationship would push one out, or "counting and comparing" the other two partners... jealousy has not been as big a factor as we thought it would be, but we still struggle with the decision if "aloe time" for each of the partners with one of the others is a good idea yet... the two original partners live together, and while it may be a few months before we are all permanently in the same home, we try to spend as much time under the same roof as we can. Ive read enough to know that there is no "right answer" but wanted to hear about others experiences on if and when alone time between each of the couples was the best idea, how to navigate the different rates of growth each connection within the triad has, and how much negative emotion to suppress without creating a false reality... Our goal is total equality within the relationship, with no "original or primary" partners.
 
austinite said:
Our goal is total equality within the relationship, with no "original or primary" partners.
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That's all I'm hoping for with Dani and Rae, and when we all talk together we all seem to agree with that. :/ I'm just hoping all of us being in therapy will help us with our problems.
 
Re (from austinite):
"Our goal is total equality within the relationship, with no 'original or primary' partners."
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That's good.

I think it's usually best to establish "private dyad time" sooner rather than later. Especially when one (the original) dyad already has that.
 
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It is often pointed out that in a three person relationship there are multiple layers of relationships - each individual to each other individual, each pair to the remaining individual, and all three together. Neglecting any of the relationships can cause problems. Expecting all the relationships to be equal in all ways causes problems. Relationships develop and change at their own pace, but you have to give them a chance.

It seems that insisting that all three spend all their time together merely defers or temporarily assuages the fears and needs that individuals have about one on one time. If there is love and trust you can support each other as issues come up in any of the relationships. It may be painful sometimes but better than bottling things up to ferment and later explode.

Leetah
 
Not only is one on one time for each dyad healthy, it's only practical! There are going to be lots of times when one partner is away traveling, or asleep, or sick, or visiting friends or family alone, or at work. Or maybe any 2 of you share a hobby or interest, or desire to watch a certain movie or TV show, music or sporting or gaming event, which the other has no interest in.

And not all sex needs to be threeways either. Because of the above reasons, or just because one of the triad isn't in the mood. Or because 2 of the triad feel they need the intimate one on one connection. Obviously, Austin, you and your primary get lots of one on one time. Your new shared lover deserves one on one time with each of you on a regular basis, to establish and maintain bonds that can only grow in the simplicity of just 2 people together.
 
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