Ask a triad - advice column

First I want to say that I'm only on here occasionally. I was an active lurker when my triad formed 5 years ago, but these days I only visit occasionally. That must be how I missed this thread to start with!

My FFM triad is ~5 years old. I will refer to my husband (married legally) as K and my partner as M. We have 1 child born prior to the triad forming and 2 babies who are about 1 year old. Our babies were born within a few days of each other, one from me and one from M. So we've experienced a double pregnancy too, along with fertility issues before getting pregnant.

We have navigated many of the issues discussed here, and then some! I will say that generally 'dyad time' was way more important in the beginning of the relationship than it is today. We are in the trenches of our careers and kids so, as most couples experience, any adult time we get together is pure gold. These days we rarely have dyad sex, it's almost always the 3 of us. This is because we are super strapped for time and our only opportunities are when all the kids are asleep, like after 9pm. Afternoon delights are a thing of the past (and hopefully the future)!! That said, I realize a previous poster said threesome sex is more 'work' and I would say that it no longer feels this way to us. Doing everything as a 'thruple' became second nature at some point.

But to get to this point we've had to communicate harder than I've ever communicated in my whole life. We bare it all for each other. Even when someone needs to run away from a conversation, it's never for more than a few hours. We talk about EVERYTHING!

I'd be happy to answer any PM's or direct questions from people. I will try to check back on this thread every so often.
 
Cool! Thanks Peabean. I am in my first year of living with my two guys. Luckily (?) our kids are in various stages of teenager so we are not quite back to kid free time. Hang in there.

Leetah
 
Hey peabean,

It's great to have you with us, you seem to have a successful triad which is refreshing to hear. I'm sure there will be people who could use your advice!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Happy Vee------hopefully blossoming into a triad!

This is an excellent thread! I actually just posted about a trouble I was having with my girlfriend (I am the female hinge in our FMF vee), but after an exhausting few days, can say that we're back on solid ground.

I have a very utopian view of what I'd like to have with these two people. I love these two people so much, and I wish we could all be in love. I am in love with each, she is in love with me, and they are great friends and sexual partners, although they have only had sex once without me, not because I won't allow it, but because they just haven't felt comfortable doing so. I have always openly expressed my desire for us all to be an official triad, but it isn't really something that has felt natural, to them, thus far.
But, lately, when we are all playing, and spending romantic time together, it has felt so much more loving, like, my husband pulled my GF into his arms last night, which is something he's never done before. I was elated to see this, as my GF has had an awful marriage end 18 months ago, riddled with abuse and terror. She does not have a man in her life to put his arms around her, to make her feel safe. It was lovely to watch her settle into his embrace, I guided her arms around him so they embraced tighter. :)
I feel like over the last year and a half, their relationship has very slowly evolved into what it is today, and I have been absolutely delighted by the fact that they are embracing one another, in their own special way. Truly beautiful....
My husband and I have two little girls, 5 and 2, who adore GF immensely. I am fiercely protective over who gets the right to have any sort of influence on either of my girls, and I am so thrilled that she has come into the fold so seamlessly. I will continue to bask in the hope that the flower will bloom on its own......
I am happy on a Sunday night after an incredible Saturday.
 
That's great, SW1231, encouraging news. I hope the three of you will settle into whatever feels the most natural and brings all three of you much happiness.
 
This is an excellent thread! I actually just posted about a trouble I was having with my girlfriend (I am the female hinge in our FMF vee), but after an exhausting few days, can say that we're back on solid ground.

I have a very utopian view of what I'd like to have with these two people.

Why not just leave them to the relationship they have? It is clearly respectful and loving, pushing your own agenda on them just because of a fantasy is pretty selfish IMHO.
 
I concur with Natja. Your intentions are good, I'm sure, but leave your girlfriend and your husband to manage their OWN relationship. We currently have a poster who is dealing with the aftermath of a hopeful triad gone sideways and she is still struggling.

If you try to push these two people together at a pace they are not comfortable with, it will blow up in your face. When your husband embraced your girlfriend, that was THEIR moment. It wasn't necessary, and perhaps even felt like pressure to her, when you physically "guided" her arms around him.

A happy V is much better than an unhappy triad.
 
Urgh, I would just feel SO much pressure, horrible....

Maybe if she had a bad marriage maybe she just has had ENOUGH of masculine energy? Maybe it is not a strong man she needs but a soft woman? Maybe she will never need a strong man to be safe? Just so much projection I can't even believe someone could be so selfish in forcing their wants on another person!!!

N
 
Wow guys, all this seems harsh. I had actually had a conversation with my gf about all these feelings, the day before. She had expressed to me her feelings about being sad that she didn't have that. My husband was not involved in the convo. And, it happened that he had put his arms around her the very next day. It seems that several of you have jumped to serious conclusions about me. I am a nice person, and that moment made her happy, and it made me happy too. He had pulled her into an embrace all on his own, and I went upstairs to get more water, if you really want second by second specifics. I came down a few moments later, they asked me to lay down with them, and before doing so, I held her hands and moved them, about 6 inches, ever so slightly tightening their embrace. It was a way I was communicating to her, without saying a word, that I loved what was happening. Their relationship has blossomed on its own. Just because I expressed to all of you my hopes does not mean that I go on and on about how I feel to them. We had talked about it once, many months ago, and that is when they said they were comfortable where it was at. And since then, it has evolved, in its own way. That had nothing to do with me.
 
Oh thanks, kdt26417! People jump to conclusions when they do not know a whole story, but a condensed version of the same exact story, as to not post an entire book in a thread. Ergggggggg.
And, what folks don't know is that I have known and been great friends with her. For 12 years. Not only is she my girlfriend, but she's also my best friend. When we met, I was married to my abusive ex husband. So, I know pretty much exactly how she feels. But whatever.
I'll stop so I don't get too snarky.
 
Not a problem, it sounds like your relationship with her is nothing new.
 
Starting a triad from scratch. On accident.

I am a poly kinky female who has a serious boyfriend who lives a few hours away from me (he is not part of this triad I will be talking about). I have started dating some local kinksters and it seems I have ended up in a triad without realizing it.

Cue me starting dating and topping a lovely lady, around the same time I start dating and switching with another guy. Around the same time said lady and said guy end up dating each other. Guy and I have discussed with lady some scenes where we co-dom her and dates that involve the three of us.

Since things are still VERY new I didn't really realize what was developing and the lady is now dealing with some insecurity. That multiple new things will lead to her being left aside. Not having a defined relationship with neither of them is leading to some stress. No one is really sure where they stand. I am a bit of an aggressive communicator, but they both seem to be the type to keep things to themselves until they have processed. I don't think that will be good if we want a healthy triad. We all seem to want more serious relationships with each other and as a triad.

I need advice on how to balance this. Here are some things I'm going to do soon or have already done. Are these good steps? Any other suggestions?
- Create a group chat for the three of us. So when we make any sort of plans it is freely available information to the other. Also would prevent telephone I think.
- Have a meet up as soon as possible with just the three of us. To identify where we want to go with things.
- I should stop dating new people. I have some other new possible connections but I think I should prioritize these two.
- I'm considering asking the lady to be my girlfriend, in order to let her feel secure at least in the two of us. My baggage trips me up in terms of wanting to ask for the same thing of the guy.

I really don't want to rush things. We all have some baggage that makes that a bad idea. Ideally I would want things to be casual for a bit longer in order to get to know them more. I hope things develop in a serious direction, but I worry about pushing this along too fast. And I worry about hurting their feelings of course.
 
An important thing to managing a true triad is realizing that there are actually FOUR relationships going on there:

You and the girl
You and the guy
The guy and the girl
The three of you in a nice happy triangle.

The group chat and the meet are great ideas. Your other two ideas depend on your individual situation and how you feel about those things.

Getting back to the relationships, the three of you should really think about what that all means. Each person in a relationship has wants and needs, and that may be different for each of you. You may have different desires with the guy than you do with the girl. Maybe you want to see her twice a week, him once a week, and the three of you together once a week, leaving the rest of the time for yourself. Only you know that. And only they know what they want and need.

If the first 3 dyadic relationships are healthy, the 4th triadic one will be too.

In terms of not wanting to rush - you are absolutely right. Let things evolve naturally. Everyone's feelings for each other will determine the pacing of the relationship growth.
And, when everyone is feeling that their needs are fulfilled, then we have happiness in this.

Remember: 3 people, 4 relationships, 1 goal.
 
I am a poly kinky female who has a serious boyfriend who lives a few hours away from me (he is not part of this triad I will be talking about). I have started dating some local kinksters and it seems I have ended up in a triad without realizing it.

Cue me starting dating and topping a lovely lady, around the same time I start dating and switching with another guy. Around the same time said lady and said guy end up dating each other. Guy and I have discussed with lady some scenes where we co-dom her and dates that involve the three of us.

Since things are still VERY new I didn't really realize what was developing and the lady is now dealing with some insecurity. That multiple new things will lead to her being left aside. Not having a defined relationship with neither of them is leading to some stress. No one is really sure where they stand. I am a bit of an aggressive communicator, but they both seem to be the type to keep things to themselves until they have processed. I don't think that will be good if we want a healthy triad. We all seem to want more serious relationships with each other and as a triad.

I need advice on how to balance this. Here are some things I'm going to do soon or have already done. Are these good steps? Any other suggestions?
- Create a group chat for the three of us. So when we make any sort of plans it is freely available information to the other. Also would prevent telephone I think.
- Have a meet up as soon as possible with just the three of us. To identify where we want to go with things.
- I should stop dating new people. I have some other new possible connections but I think I should prioritize these two.
- I'm considering asking the lady to be my girlfriend, in order to let her feel secure at least in the two of us. My baggage trips me up in terms of wanting to ask for the same thing of the guy.

I really don't want to rush things. We all have some baggage that makes that a bad idea. Ideally I would want things to be casual for a bit longer in order to get to know them more. I hope things develop in a serious direction, but I worry about pushing this along too fast. And I worry about hurting their feelings of course.

How long have you been seeing Guy? How long have you been seeing Lady? It might be too soon to ask either of them for "boyfriend/girfriend" status, or to say "I love you." If that happens too soon, it can be intimidating instead of reassuring, I have found.

If you've only been seeing each of them a few months, there is no need to rush 3way sex or kink scenes. Maybe they would prefer a few no pressure platonic dates, dinner, or long walks in the outdoors, or a game night, or whatever interests the three of you, first. Some people don't like to get into physical clinches until they feel comfortable as friends first.

I think your instinct to take things slow is good, but it is battling with your "aggressive" communication style. Too much control from anyone (even if you ID as a Top or Dom/me) could spoil everything. Sometimes Tops or Dom/mes are insecure people who need to control everything to feel safe. I am not saying you are, but it's something to be aware of.

If you now have 3 lovers I would agree that is enough, for now. Popular polys can spread themselves too thin sometimes, and that isn't fair or comfortable to the others. We need to beware of harem building. It can really ramp up competition and jealousy.
 
I am a poly kinky female who has a serious boyfriend who lives a few hours away from me (he is not part of this triad I will be talking about). I have started dating some local kinksters and it seems I have ended up in a triad without realizing it.

Cue me starting dating and topping a lovely lady, around the same time I start dating and switching with another guy. Around the same time said lady and said guy end up dating each other. Guy and I have discussed with lady some scenes where we co-dom her and dates that involve the three of us.

Since things are still VERY new I didn't really realize what was developing and the lady is now dealing with some insecurity. That multiple new things will lead to her being left aside. Not having a defined relationship with neither of them is leading to some stress. No one is really sure where they stand. I am a bit of an aggressive communicator, but they both seem to be the type to keep things to themselves until they have processed. I don't think that will be good if we want a healthy triad. We all seem to want more serious relationships with each other and as a triad.

I need advice on how to balance this. Here are some things I'm going to do soon or have already done. Are these good steps? Any other suggestions?
- Create a group chat for the three of us. So when we make any sort of plans it is freely available information to the other. Also would prevent telephone I think.
- Have a meet up as soon as possible with just the three of us. To identify where we want to go with things.
- I should stop dating new people. I have some other new possible connections but I think I should prioritize these two.
- I'm considering asking the lady to be my girlfriend, in order to let her feel secure at least in the two of us. My baggage trips me up in terms of wanting to ask for the same thing of the guy.

I really don't want to rush things. We all have some baggage that makes that a bad idea. Ideally I would want things to be casual for a bit longer in order to get to know them more. I hope things develop in a serious direction, but I worry about pushing this along too fast. And I worry about hurting their feelings of course.

I will say group chat is AMAZING because it keeps everyone in the loop and keeps you from thinking you told both people when you only told one.

My biggest advice is to take things as they come.

I'm the introvert with two outgoing and lovely extroverts. This causes problems sometimes because I need my space and time to process and they are more right now let's get things over with. While this can cause problems it's also wonderful because when I need alone time they are together and are having their needs met.

While you may want to push towards a triad don't forget that there are 4 relationships in a triad. You and him. You and her. Him and her. And all three of you. Each of these relationships will go at different paces by all are equally important and need to be cultivated
 
MissSuccuba, why is it so important for you to lock down this threesome & escalate it ASAP into Something Serious?

There's nothing wrong with being open to such an outcome, but nobody can force the growth or natural evolution of a relationship.

A major way that a relationship finds its own way is by making sincere, well-intentioned missteps, then sitting down together to examine how the snag hit & creating ways to improve similar situations in future. A relationship is DEFINED by its ability to not just weather difficulties but to improve itself because of them.

There are many expectations in what you describe, beginning with assuming you've all already got "the best of all possible worlds" & excluding the possibility of finding others who might offer an even better fit.

I would feel unduly pressured by the expectation that everyone be constantly "on the same page" at all times.
 
Hey there,

I am in a 23 year old female in a new triad with a married couple. It is my first experience with polyamory. Everything has been really great so far. But there have definitely been rules set up and I am starting to question that a little bit. Of course, part of this may come from the fact that they are on vacation right now, so I'm feeling a little left out/lonely.

My main concern right now is sexual. We only have sex in a group setting. I am already missing one on one sex. When we talked about it before, I didn't realize that it would be a problem for me. I know the wife is only interested in having sex when her husband is also present. He would definitely have sex with me one on one, but his wife doesn't feel comfortable with us spending time alone this early on.

I am free to date other people, but I haven't found anyone I like lately. It seems silly for me to have random sex just so I can get some solo attention when I have two people I really care about. But I also don't want to rock the boat in my new relationships.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
 
Hi tribabe,

When your married couple returns from their vacation, you might want to talk to them about your desire for one-on-one sex, not in a pushy way, just telling them what you really feel inside. Hopefully they will listen and understand where you are coming from.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey there,

I am in a 23 year old female in a new triad with a married couple. It is my first experience with polyamory. Everything has been really great so far. But there have definitely been rules set up and I am starting to question that a little bit. Of course, part of this may come from the fact that they are on vacation right now, so I'm feeling a little left out/lonely.

My main concern right now is sexual. We only have sex in a group setting. I am already missing one on one sex. When we talked about it before, I didn't realize that it would be a problem for me. I know the wife is only interested in having sex when her husband is also present. He would definitely have sex with me one on one, but his wife doesn't feel comfortable with us spending time alone this early on.

I am free to date other people, but I haven't found anyone I like lately. It seems silly for me to have random sex just so I can get some solo attention when I have two people I really care about. But I also don't want to rock the boat in my new relationships.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

They are exercising couples privilege. You are secondary and are being kept in a box of their devising. The wife's fears are more important than your desires.

You don't like your box. One on one dates and sex are important in any relationship. Just because you are dating 2 individuals who happen to be married does not mean you shouldn't want, and get, one on one time with each one. After all, they are off having one on one time right now! Why is that off limits for you?

Healthy polyamory demands good honest communication. If they can't or won't enlarge your box, you might need to move on. You're not "rocking the boat." You're allowed to renegotiate the terms of any relationship at any time.

There is a lot about the rights of secondaries at this website:

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
 
Back
Top