Asking advice

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ninnin

New member
I've been trying to see if there is an existing thread for this but I'm new to the forum and honestly overwhelmed by the abundance of them! Please redirect me to the right place if there is one.

I joined this community because I'm interested in hearing and sharing experiences and advice with others in general, but to be honest i took the step now because I'm facing a new kind of situation I want to handle the best way possible, and I believe a good start is to discuss with more experienced people.

So... Hello! I'd like to introduce myself. I'm a 27 female, no kids, and poly, and though I'm usually only attracted to men, I don't really mind labels. I recently married my very mono partner of two years, with whom I started when I had been in an long distance open relationship with someone else for a year.
I had by then gone through different mono and poly relationships but the experience was the first of the kind of my now husband, and though at the end he was ok with it, as our relationship progressed he started to feel uneasy about it. Little after he stopped our relationship because of the poly arrangement, I broke up with the first partner (for unrelated reasons), and after a little while we decided to get together again, this time as mono.

Mono doesn't feel so natural to me, but I loved him and I wanted to give it a shot. A year and a half after, I still love him, and I know I want to build a life project with him, and eventually raise a family, but I'm less happy about the mono, and told him so recently. In the meantime, we've known each other better, and settled relationship bases solid enough for him to feel safe to try again.
Two years ago I met and was instantly captivated by a woman in our social circle, and she has since become an intimate friends (us being an abstinent couple is a running joke in our circle, and my husband is fine with our friendship). She is a lesbian, mono-ish and not looking for a primary partner, and we've spoken about being clearly attracted to each other physically but never did it for a huge respect on my relationship arrangement with my husband on both sides.

The current discussion between us is if becoming occasional lovers as well as friends with her is wise for all the people involved, and what would be the limits, how to deal with them. The three of us are extremely private people and we care about protecting that.
These to people are hugely important to me, and as excited as i am of the possibility of living both relationships in "the most organic" way, I'm terrified of this new stage we might be about to enter, about the possibility of hurting anyone or somehow screwing up. We're all being extra careful and making sure not to rush anything up.


What are good questions to ask ourselves? How can we find what the particular boundaries are? I would love to hear your insight, opinions... Thank you!
 
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Nice setup, but I'm a little vague about the actual question. Naturally, I'll just jump in somewhere.;)

If everyone's "in the loop," then that's a good basis.

If everyone's on the same page, & not merely "well, if that's what you really want, honey..." then even better.

Thinking about stuff is generally good. But don't overanalyze or you'll likely start piling up expectations & scripty behavior.

Even well-intentioned people DO screw up -- there's no way that any of us can know ALL the curveballs that Life can throw at us. Yet more common are the myriad little errors that ALWAYS happen in even the best of relationships. (If you fear them, you can turn these guppies into piranha.)

So all of you could start thinking about (as individuals, NOT a groupthink) how you'd handle it if (say) you & she spend lots of naked time together... & both of you decide that there's no spark after the initial thrill.

And maybe think about how you'll handle it if just ONE of you flames out.

And think about what'd happen if it turns out great. (Will you stay with your SO? Will it be a closed or open relationship? Why? Are any of you open to eventually expanding the network? Like that.)

I find it pleasant that you're not another of the "I've decided I'm bi-curious so I'm going to be poly too, can someone tell me how to find a third for us?" type. :D
 
Welcome.

Sounds like you, your husband, and your potential seem to be wanting more info as you keep on talking about what sort of Open Model you three want to practice together.

You sound like you are trying to do the pros/cons list of going there together, and sort out some personal boundaries and expectations.

Could any of these help?

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com

Will all of you be dating other people too? Or you are trying to do a Closed V thing with just these people? Something in between?

What are the "no way in hell" hard limit deal breakers? That will NEVER change no matter how much time passes?

What are the "soft limits" that are no for now, but could change over time?

How do you deal with the unexpected?

You might consider HOW you will problem solve. I know you don't want to be outted but really the only way not to be for sure is to not date so there is nothing to out. Could decide how you will deal with it if you ARE. Then what happens? Better you have the emergency plan sorted before you need it and not need it. Than need it and be struggling to make the plan while all people are super stressed out and maybe hot headed.

Also talk about how you want it to end, if it has to end. Back to you and him married and her single? All single? Something else?

Galagirl
 
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What kinds of limits are you thinking of?

How much time per week you spend with your friend/potential lover? How much money you spend on dates with her? Do you text her when you and your h are having couple time with each other?

I'd suggest not putting limits on feelings. Trying to deny feelings if you should fall for her or vice versa is unwise.

I'd suggest not putting limits on the kinds of sex (or kink, if you're into that) you can do with her, except for your own personal limits of what you prefer to do. If you make agreements with your h, you can do this with her, but you can only do this other thing with me, that is imposing a structure on her from the outside, and that wouldn't be fair. It's fair to take slow steps to full intimacy, if your h requests that and you're OK with that, but that should be a process, not a full on "limit."

And I hear that you three run in a certain social circle together and do not want to be "out" to them? Why? And how will you arrange things so no one is outed?
 
Yeah, good point about the "privacy" things. It's sometimes difficult to differentiate "it's nobody else's business anyway" from closeting feelings that are important (perhaps even central) to your life.

The latter can too easily turn into defensive lying, which means you're creating a "plotline" that has to be maintained, with risks that if/when you do "come out," people close to you might feel untrusted or betrayed.
________________

In our household, we had one "big lie" that we stumbled into. Early on, we were an open quad, & I was in love with three wonderful women. But we were all very busy, with wildly divergent schedules due to work & classes. It was a three-bedroom house, so this required constant juggling, & was very chaotic.

I came home one day & found that they'd worked out a "sleeping schedule" for me -- not necessarily about sex, but literally which bed I'd be in that night, even if they weren't home. One felt that ~1 night/week together was ideal, another wanted 2-3, the third was happy to take the rest, & they'd plan these schedules out in advance, & trade nights to work around dates & events. I'd check the hand-drawn calendar posted on the refrigerator.

One partner's mom was visiting, & (predictably, right?) she asked about the calendar. Thinking fast, her daughter said it was our "dishwashing schedule." And Mom, being quite smart, immediately said, "I don't see Tony's name on it."

:eek:

Somehow, the subject got changed quickly.:D But ever after, we all called it "the dishwashing schedule," & told the story many times to friends, & it constantly reminded us of the perils of hiding.
________________

With subterfuge, you have to remain watchful to not accidentally give yourself away. For any stumbles, people will notice the twitchiness. Even a stray affectionate glance shared between two of you could cause the whole tower to crumble.
 
Hi ninnin,

There are two books/websites that I would recommend for you:

In addition I would suggest you continue to read and post on this forum. This way people can give you ongoing advice as your situation evolves.

I guess the one other bit of advice I have for now is to move slowly into the poly waters, and communicate a lot along the way. You'll have a unique set of agreements that work for you, and some trial and error will be needed to get you there.

Respects and regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you to all for your answers! I appreciate hugely your support and advice ! The situation is not simple but I reckon I'm lucky, as my h and friend get along and respect each other. I know none of them sees the other as a threat. Last night she came to dinner with us, and it was such a great feeling not to just have these two wonderful people in my life but also being able to share a space with each other in a friendly (even if not particularly close) way.
My h and I want to build a common life project (not super obvious already since we're freelancers and travel quite a lot for work). He is not at the moment interested in having other partners, and we've agreed to discuss other partners one at a time and case-by-case. My friend is the only potential partner at the moment (I'm a bit of a germophobe and a safer sex freak, which already makes me have a tendency to have little sex partners). Outside of what could happen between her and me, she remains free to date and get intimate with whoever she chooses, the other aspects of our friendship remaining unchanged.

So far my biggest challenge is to try to seize both of their needs and be as fair and considerate as possible (while I do share a common life partnership with my h, I don't want to make her feel unimportant or dispensable).

Magdlyn - I understand and even share your point of view in many things, but in our case I feel being open about it would put unnecessary scrutiny and pressure on us, and could -in an unlikely and extreme case, but still- have big legal consequences, so we chose to be open only to our closest friends, specially among those who share our social and professional space.
 
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Hi ninnin,

Thanks for your update. I was just curious, what's a common life project? I couldn't find it on Google or Wikipedia.

Get together with your husband and friend maybe once a month or once a week, sit down and talk about your needs and wants. This way you get updated information about how they're doing and if they have any requests.

And keep us posted ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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