BikerRobbie
New member
Hello all. Please feel free to move this if there is a more appropriate section for it. I’m posting because I genuinely want perspective from people with lived experience in ENM/poly dynamics, particularly around informed consent, ethics, disclosure, rupture, and whether a relationship can realistically recover once trust around those things has been damaged.
This may contain themes around betrayal, consent violations, emotional harm, and boundary breaches.
I have been in a long-term poly relationship for multiple years. Earlier in the relationship we operated closer to relationship anarchy/poly principles, but over time the relationship became functionally monogamous in practice. We became emotionally and structurally much more like nesting partners. There were no serious outside partners for years, and the relationship gradually evolved into something that, from my perspective, felt emotionally exclusive even if we never formally sat down and labelled it as monogamous.
One thing that may add important context is that we were not living together at the time this occurred. Earlier in the relationship we discovered that having multiple neurodivergent people sharing the same living space was creating strain and conflict that negatively impacted the relationship, so we made the decision to maintain separate homes while remaining emotionally committed partners. I have adult children living with me, while they are child-free, so maintaining separate spaces ended up being healthier and more sustainable for us practically and emotionally. Despite that, I still experienced the relationship as deeply committed, anchored, and functionally monogamous for a number of years. I think this may be part of why we experienced the shift back toward polyamory so differently.
Recently we began discussing reopening the relationship and moving back toward polyamory. The important part for me is that this was still very much in the discussion stage. Boundaries, expectations, emotional safety, sexual health agreements, pacing, and what “being poly again” would actually look like had not yet been fully discussed or agreed upon.
During these conversations I discovered they had already been active on apps before asking me whether I was comfortable reopening the relationship. After I agreed to explore becoming poly again, the response I received was essentially, “That’s good, because I’m already talking to people.” That immediately hit me badly because it felt less like collaborative renegotiation and more like the decision had already been made before my consent was meaningfully obtained.
At the time, I was only informed about one meetup with another person. However, when things finally came to a head, it was disclosed that there had actually been multiple people involved. In a very short period of time things had escalated from “just chatting” to sexual relationships with five different people, while also forming stronger emotional attachments with at least two others. What has deeply shaken me is that all of this appears to have happened before we had fully negotiated what either of us was consenting to, what boundaries existed, or what emotional responsibilities we had toward each other during the transition.
For me, one of the most confronting parts is that there had also been no meaningful discussion around STI testing, sexual health risk, exposure, barrier use, or the implications this potentially placed me under while I still believed we were in the process of discussing and renegotiating what reopening the relationship would actually mean. This is part of why the issue feels larger to me than simply jealousy or discomfort around non-monogamy.
Part of what I am struggling with is that I genuinely do not know whether this is an ethical failure, a communication failure, poly under duress, a mismatch in assumptions, avoidant exit behaviour, or simply two people experiencing the same relationship completely differently.
From their perspective, I think they may genuinely believe we were simply returning to a previously agreed poly dynamic and therefore none of this required significant renegotiation. From my perspective, the relationship had fundamentally changed over the years into something much more emotionally attached, nested, and effectively mono. To me, reopening required intentional discussion, pacing, repair, and mutual consent before people became sexually and emotionally involved.
What complicates this further is that once the reality of what was happening became clear, I requested a pause on seeing new people and asked whether current relationships or connections could at least slow down while we determined whether repair, renegotiation, or separation was the healthiest path forward. That request was not received well, and there seems to be reluctance around being transparent with newer partners about the instability and uncertainty currently existing within the relationship.
This is where I start struggling with the ethics of informed consent. Not because I think anyone owns anyone else, but because I personally would want to know if I was entering a relationship dynamic where an existing long-term partnership was in active rupture, conflict, or possible collapse. To me, informed consent applies not only sexually but emotionally and relationally as well.
At this point I feel caught between believing I am reacting from attachment injury and unspoken assumptions around exclusivity, versus believing a genuine ethical boundary was crossed because meaningful renegotiation and informed consent never really occurred before escalation with others began.
What I am trying to understand from people with actual ENM/poly experience is whether prior poly history automatically carries forward after years of functional monogamy, where the line exists between autonomy and relational responsibility, and whether relationships realistically recover once trust around communication and consent has fractured in this way.
I am not looking to demonise polyamory or paint my partner as a villain. I still believe ENM can be deeply ethical when done with honesty, transparency, and care. I am simply trying to work out whether what I experienced was an understandable but painful mismatch in expectations, or whether the rupture I feel is grounded in something ethically significant.
TL;DR: I’ve been in a long-term relationship that started poly but had become functionally monogamous for several years. Recently we discussed reopening the relationship, but before boundaries, consent, sexual health discussions, or expectations had been fully negotiated, my partner had already been on apps and quickly escalated to sleeping with five people while forming emotional attachments with two others. I was initially only told about one meetup.
There had also been no discussion around STI testing, barrier use, or the level of risk exposure this created for me while I still believed we were in the process of negotiating what reopening actually meant.
From their perspective, they may have believed we were simply returning to an old poly dynamic. From my perspective, the relationship had evolved into something emotionally exclusive and reopening required intentional renegotiation before involving others.
I’m trying to understand whether this sounds like a painful mismatch in assumptions, a communication failure, or an actual breach of trust and informed consent within ENM/poly ethics, and whether relationships realistically recover from this kind of rupture.
This may contain themes around betrayal, consent violations, emotional harm, and boundary breaches.
I have been in a long-term poly relationship for multiple years. Earlier in the relationship we operated closer to relationship anarchy/poly principles, but over time the relationship became functionally monogamous in practice. We became emotionally and structurally much more like nesting partners. There were no serious outside partners for years, and the relationship gradually evolved into something that, from my perspective, felt emotionally exclusive even if we never formally sat down and labelled it as monogamous.
One thing that may add important context is that we were not living together at the time this occurred. Earlier in the relationship we discovered that having multiple neurodivergent people sharing the same living space was creating strain and conflict that negatively impacted the relationship, so we made the decision to maintain separate homes while remaining emotionally committed partners. I have adult children living with me, while they are child-free, so maintaining separate spaces ended up being healthier and more sustainable for us practically and emotionally. Despite that, I still experienced the relationship as deeply committed, anchored, and functionally monogamous for a number of years. I think this may be part of why we experienced the shift back toward polyamory so differently.
Recently we began discussing reopening the relationship and moving back toward polyamory. The important part for me is that this was still very much in the discussion stage. Boundaries, expectations, emotional safety, sexual health agreements, pacing, and what “being poly again” would actually look like had not yet been fully discussed or agreed upon.
During these conversations I discovered they had already been active on apps before asking me whether I was comfortable reopening the relationship. After I agreed to explore becoming poly again, the response I received was essentially, “That’s good, because I’m already talking to people.” That immediately hit me badly because it felt less like collaborative renegotiation and more like the decision had already been made before my consent was meaningfully obtained.
At the time, I was only informed about one meetup with another person. However, when things finally came to a head, it was disclosed that there had actually been multiple people involved. In a very short period of time things had escalated from “just chatting” to sexual relationships with five different people, while also forming stronger emotional attachments with at least two others. What has deeply shaken me is that all of this appears to have happened before we had fully negotiated what either of us was consenting to, what boundaries existed, or what emotional responsibilities we had toward each other during the transition.
For me, one of the most confronting parts is that there had also been no meaningful discussion around STI testing, sexual health risk, exposure, barrier use, or the implications this potentially placed me under while I still believed we were in the process of discussing and renegotiating what reopening the relationship would actually mean. This is part of why the issue feels larger to me than simply jealousy or discomfort around non-monogamy.
Part of what I am struggling with is that I genuinely do not know whether this is an ethical failure, a communication failure, poly under duress, a mismatch in assumptions, avoidant exit behaviour, or simply two people experiencing the same relationship completely differently.
From their perspective, I think they may genuinely believe we were simply returning to a previously agreed poly dynamic and therefore none of this required significant renegotiation. From my perspective, the relationship had fundamentally changed over the years into something much more emotionally attached, nested, and effectively mono. To me, reopening required intentional discussion, pacing, repair, and mutual consent before people became sexually and emotionally involved.
What complicates this further is that once the reality of what was happening became clear, I requested a pause on seeing new people and asked whether current relationships or connections could at least slow down while we determined whether repair, renegotiation, or separation was the healthiest path forward. That request was not received well, and there seems to be reluctance around being transparent with newer partners about the instability and uncertainty currently existing within the relationship.
This is where I start struggling with the ethics of informed consent. Not because I think anyone owns anyone else, but because I personally would want to know if I was entering a relationship dynamic where an existing long-term partnership was in active rupture, conflict, or possible collapse. To me, informed consent applies not only sexually but emotionally and relationally as well.
At this point I feel caught between believing I am reacting from attachment injury and unspoken assumptions around exclusivity, versus believing a genuine ethical boundary was crossed because meaningful renegotiation and informed consent never really occurred before escalation with others began.
What I am trying to understand from people with actual ENM/poly experience is whether prior poly history automatically carries forward after years of functional monogamy, where the line exists between autonomy and relational responsibility, and whether relationships realistically recover once trust around communication and consent has fractured in this way.
I am not looking to demonise polyamory or paint my partner as a villain. I still believe ENM can be deeply ethical when done with honesty, transparency, and care. I am simply trying to work out whether what I experienced was an understandable but painful mismatch in expectations, or whether the rupture I feel is grounded in something ethically significant.
TL;DR: I’ve been in a long-term relationship that started poly but had become functionally monogamous for several years. Recently we discussed reopening the relationship, but before boundaries, consent, sexual health discussions, or expectations had been fully negotiated, my partner had already been on apps and quickly escalated to sleeping with five people while forming emotional attachments with two others. I was initially only told about one meetup.
There had also been no discussion around STI testing, barrier use, or the level of risk exposure this created for me while I still believed we were in the process of negotiating what reopening actually meant.
From their perspective, they may have believed we were simply returning to an old poly dynamic. From my perspective, the relationship had evolved into something emotionally exclusive and reopening required intentional renegotiation before involving others.
I’m trying to understand whether this sounds like a painful mismatch in assumptions, a communication failure, or an actual breach of trust and informed consent within ENM/poly ethics, and whether relationships realistically recover from this kind of rupture.
