Balance

[Brunetteangel03]

I am currently with a wonderful military couple. He got back from Iraq a few months ago. We started dating one month ago. She just got back from Iraq a week ago, and we are hitting it off pretty well, thus far. Our problem seems to be balance, right now. How do you create balance in your relationships, without one or the other feeling neglected? Not sure if it makes sense. I think we are finding that balance, but I thought I would like to hear from some of you, as well, regarding the matter.

 

[AutumnalTone]

One of the fundamental exercises in building relationships involves figuring out, exactly, what it is each person needs from a relationship. How much time? How much affection? How much sex? What sort of shared activities? How many shared activities? And so on.

Sort what you need from what you want. Needs are those things absolutely necessary to say one is in a relationship and it's working. Wants are those things that would be really nice to have, though aren't absolutely essential.

Once each person has figured out what they need and want, then you can negotiate how to meet all the needs and as many of the wants as possible.

Remember that achieving balance doesn't necessarily mean that equal amounts of time, attention, or affection are doled out. Balance is achieved when each person gets what they need, and enough of what they want, for the relationship to be satisfying.

 

[Brunetteangel03]

Very insightful! Thank you so much for the help.

 

[redpepper]

These are very new relationships. All will be revealed in time. There is no rush to figure things out. Try stuff out; if it doesn't work, adjust. Take your time with them. Get to know them. In the meantime, do lots of reading and thinking. It's important to stay on top of our stuff. Polyamorous triads only seem to work if there is time and space.

 

[Brunetteangel03]

Thank you, Redpepper. I am enjoying this experience and have been doing a lot of reading and thinking. The relationships have been wonderful with them both. She hasn't been with many girls, but is warming up to me now. He has been absolutely wonderful and makes sure that we both get the attention we need.

 

[Brunetteangel03]

first poly relationship

My first poly relationships are in a triad shape. I am with a married Army couple.

It was a V, me and him, but when the woman got back from Iraq, my relationship with her began to grow. We have all created a wonderful bond.

I don't get a lot of alone time with either of them, though.

I am very much of a hopeless romantic. I love candlelit dinners and baths and massages.

I understand they are a married couple, so their relationship has to come first.

They have 4 beautiful children as well (whom I haven't met yet, because of them just getting back from Iraq).

Where do I fit into the picture here? Am I missing something, or is this just a communication error? We are all very new to this. They have had other partners, but separately. This is the first time they have had a gf in common.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Hey Brunetteangel,

Well, first and foremost, don't rush things. Let the relationships grow and unfold as they will.

As the new person, it's important to remember that this couple has history, patterns, etc., they have developed in their time together, and integrating you will take some time, potentially as much time as it took them to get to the point they are at.

This reality is what causes a ton of problems between new Vs, triads, and other variations. In the beginning, there's a lot of energy and emotion and you hunger for time together. But there are still certain logistics that have to be acknowledged and figured out how to change, or work around. And despite all the desires and best intentions, it takes time and focus.

As for having some alone time with each of them, that's also something you have to grow into. Until everyone has a strong level of trust and understanding of each other, requests for alone time might be interpreted the wrong way. Be careful with that. It's easy for one or the other to efeel left out or undesired if it isn't approached carefully. It's best, when possible, to let those opportunities just arise as they will because of circumstances. Once it has happened a few times, the comfort level should grow.

It may also be easier to start with the two women going for some "girl time"-- not necessarily sexual. Most guys can grasp that and not feel left out.

In any event, being together as a threesome is important, so be happy that model is available to you. You'll find lots of folks that wish they had that, and don't, and will have to work really hard to ever get there.

You're in a good place. Have patience. All will evolve.

 

[Brunetteangel03]

Thank you so much for the insight, GS. This is all very new to all of us. I think this experience will grow all of us. I have trouble with patience sometimes, but will continue to work on that.

The relationship between us women is lacking a bit. Some girl time is probably a good idea. She just got back from Iraq. The relationship between him and me has been able to grow for a month without her presence. I have only known her for two weeks now, but we hit it off right away and have a pretty special bond already. Finding or creating the time for one another separately will most def take time to develop, I just hope we can all find the happy medium that makes everyone happy in each relationship.

 

[X-User1335]

I'm nosy, sorry. Please feel free to not answer if this is too personal.

Do you live close to this couple?

Have you and she had any alone time together?

Have the three of you had time together?

I know you and he have been together alone because she was gone for a while. But have you and he been alone since she's been home?

When do they plan on letting you meet the kids?

Are they planning on seeing anyone else?

Are you planning on seeing anyone else, or just them?

I've been following your threads and just had to ask you those things because, well, I'm nosy.

You sound like you are walking into this without being scared at all. I did see when she first got back you were a little scared about it, but it's all worked out well, so far!

I think the big thing is that you are very excited to be in these relationships. But take your time, just like you would with any other relationship. The newness will rub off, and when it does, this is a married couple with four kids. LOL There are going to be a lot more things to worry about than alone time with either one. You know what I mean?

The newness of a relationship is always awesome. The butterflies are great. I think the key to happiness is finding people that give you those butterflies every day of your life.

Anyway, I hope everything works out perfectly for you. You sound so bubbly and happy. You definitely deserve it.

 

[Brunetteangel03]

Do you live close to your couple?

They are currently living with me! Their house closes this week, so they will be moving out the beginning of September.

Have you and she had any alone time together?

Yes, but not much.

Have the three of you had time together?

Yes, both separately (he and I, more than she and I) and together.

You and he have been together alone because she was gone for a while, but have you and he been alone since she's been home?

Yes, at least once a week, when she goes over to her bf's house. But I am not feeling like that is enough. Is that selfish? They get a lot of alone time together. I only get one evening alone with him and very rarely with her. She is very busy with her Army friends and her bf and such.

When do they plan on letting you meet the kids?

In October, when she goes to pick them up in Georgia.

Are they planning on seeing anyone else?

She has a bf already. It doesn't bother me for them to see others.

Are you planning on seeing anyone else or just them?

Right now it has just been them. I have a few friends with benefits that I see sometimes, but they are more friendships than anything serious.

Take your time, just like you would with any other relationship. The newness will rub off, and when it does, this is a married couple with four kids. LOL. There are going to be a lot more things to worry about than alone time. You know what I mean?

The newness of a relationship is always awesome. The butterflies are great. I think the key to happiness is finding people that give you those butterflies every day of your life.

Anyway, I hope everything works out perfectly for you. You sound so bubbly and happy. You definitely deserve it.

Thank you so much for the advice. It is all very new and I am just trying to learn each day how these things work. This is just so fascinating to me, that I am trying to soak in as much as I can. I absolutely love kids, so I am SUPER excited to meet them all! They have a 11, 9 and twin 5 year olds. I am welcoming all of this with openness and honesty.

 

[X-User1335]

I don't think it is selfish to want more time. I would also, in that situation. I mean, you had him as much as you wanted while she was away. Now you're down to one night a week. Boo on that. LOL

I understand that she just got home and needs that one-on-one time with him. But hey, you do to.

They are in YOUR house? Wow. I didn't know that, girly. I bet you are ready for them to close on the house so you can get some peace, huh? LOL! Just kidding, I'm sure you are having a good time with their stay.

You must be a people person to walk into a triad with a couple with four kids. I'm sure it's going to make you feel great to meet the children. Make sure you update when you get to meet them. I can't wait to see how they respond to you, and vice versa.

 

[Brunetteangel03]

I don't think that you are selfish because you want more time. I would also in that situation. I mean, you had him as much as you wanted while she was away.......now you're down to one night a week? Boo on that.


They are in YOUR house? Wow. I didn't know that, girly. I bet you are ready for them to close on the house so you can get some peace huh? LOL! Just kidding, I'm sure you are having a good time with their stay.

[/QUOTE]

I am kinda ready for them to go, but at the same time, love the company. I lived alone before they arrived and I have to mentally and emotionally prep myself for their moving out.

You must be a people person to walk into a relationship with 4 kids. I'm sure it's going to make you feel so great to meet those children.

Actually it is completely opposite, I am very shy! lol. I think that is why I was so terrified to meet her, but it is wonderful now! I love kids, they are alot of fun!

I am very excited to meet the kids and I will def be updating as this relationship and such progresses...

 

[Brunetteangel03]

Emotion getting in the way?

So, like I said in previous posts, I am in a triad with a military couple who have recently gotten back from Iraq. Well, because of this, they didn't have a place to stay unless they wanted to spend hundreds on a hotel for two months. They have been trying to buy a house (which closes at the end of this week). So they have been at my house. He has been here for one month and her for two weeks.

Last night, they decided to have a date by themselves and stay in a hotel. I won't lie-- it was hard on me. I never get a night alone with him anymore.

He ignored my texts all night. I only texted a few times. He didn't call or text to say good night. I was at least hoping for that. I mean, I totally understand that they are a married couple, but does that mean he will just put me aside sometimes? I think he should have at least told me he wouldn't be communicating all night. But he just didn't do it.

When we go on dates together, he texts his wife most of the night. I don't know. Maybe I am just letting my stupid emotions run wild. I think there needs to be more communication on this topic with him, though, just so I am clear what to expect the next time.

They will be moving out soon. I am fully aware they won't be in my bed anymore. I have been preparing myself for that. But does that mean he or she won't call/text me at night to say good night? Am I being stupid here?

 

[GroundedSpirit]

I totally understand that they are a married couple, but does that mean he will just put me aside sometimes? I think he should have at least told me he wouldn't be communicating all night. When we go on dates together he texts his wife most of the night. Maybe I am just letting my stupid emotions run wild, I think there needs to be more communication on this topic with him, just so I am clear what to expect the next time.

Hey Angel,

I feel your disappointment. Things like this are the hard part of being in a secondary role. I don't think anyone likes this term or the way it's often handled, but it's more important to understand it (truly) and keep it in some proper context.

When any third party (in the majority of cases) comes into the picture of an existing couple, it takes some time and a LOT of good, non-emotional conversations to take place. This isn't the fault of the individual, in most cases. It's the fault of the culture we are raised in and live in. The whole concept of marriage brings with it this idea of certain rights and expectations into the other person's (spouse's) life, feelings, actions, etc.

That is why the "shutout" occurred. There's a mindset that when the two are together, the rest of the world should be shut out. If the shoe were on the other foot, I suspect you'd feel the same (if you were the married one).

It's a mode and mindset that doesn't mesh well with poly relationships. I think everyone feels that. It takes time to overcome, like any bad habit, like biting nails, etc. While it's happening it can be a real struggle for the secondary.

There have been endless discussions on this forum about the secondary role and complications. If you search you will find them all. Pretty heated topics.

My take on all this, having been on both sides of the coin, is that I have to keep it foremost in my mind that this IS NOT PERSONAL. It's largely a cultural thing and is going to take time to find a better way of navigating. As your relationships grow and solidify, it will get better.

It's not easy, and it hurts. But if you can hang in there and just have good, non-volatile conversations about it, it will get better. Don't overreact. Everyone is still learning and practicing.

 

[Brunetteangel03]

I am glad I didn't overreact and really sat with my thoughts last night. I was honestly trying not to take it personally, because I know they both love me, but I am not sure if they realized what turmoil I was in last night.

This morning I still feel a bit hurt, but I am more rational than I was last night. I decided to post, because I wasn't sure if I should just expect this, or chat about it, and get his view on this, too.

My relationship with her is still very new, so I talk more with him than her about these things.

He and I have been chatting off and on by text this morning. He sensed I'd had a rough night. I told him it wasn't entirely because they were gone. There were other reasons. For example, the heat was brutal so I tossed and turned. And I got a nasty call from my ex husband.

I will chat with him more later, and try not to let my emotions get in the way too much.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

I am glad I didn't overreact and really sat with my thoughts last night. I was honestly trying not to take it personally. I know they both love me, but I am not sure if they realize what turmoil I was in last night.

Excellent. It takes practice.

It's fair to bring the general situation up in a nice way. They probably do noy realize how difficult it is being in your position. So approach it in an educational way. Try to explain how difficult it is being in the role of secondary, especially at first. Try not to make it a pressure conversation, just informational. If you come across as demanding and needy it's going to have a negative impact on everyone. Undoubtedly, they need to do some homework on the realities of such relationships, so you trying to bring this point up and bring some insight to them is what's required right now.

Hard as it is, patience, patience, patience. Anything good is worth waiting for. Moving too fast can ruin the potential. Keep us posted.

 

[FitChick]

Something I learnt a long time ago, when I was in therapy after my breakdown, was using a thought log to try and balance negative assumptions or thoughts. When my partner used to go visit his ex, I'd get tied up in knots. But now I've logged the thought, written down evidence for and against the thought, then written a balanced one. This makes me feel a lot calmer within in shorter space of time, rather than stewing for hours.

 

[Brunetteangel03]

OMG, FitChick. That is totally what I need to do. Thank you so much for the suggestion. I was all up in knots that night and had all sorts of thoughts, but mostly negative, because he wasn't talking with me.

He explained later that it was due to him shutting off his phone because he had some of his soldiers texting him, and he just wanted a night with his wife. I just explained that if he does that, to let me know, so I am not wondering what the hell is going on. He apologized. I think he realizes how rough it is for me, because he says he really does care about my feelings and hopes I can talk to him about them. Communication is def key in this type of relationship, or things can really go south.