Basic Relationship Skills -- What Are They?

River

River

Well-known member
In this thread, I'm using the word "relationship" in a broad sense, a sense in which friends, co-workers, lovers, spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends... all are included as types of relationship. I hope this use of the word "relationship" is okay. Most particularly, however, I'm interested in what I call "intimate relationships," which is a phrase I would use to describe close friendships or any close relationship, including relationships with friends, lovers and spouses.

What might we possibly generally agree on as items comprising basic skills useful or necessary to happy and healthy intimate relationships?

I just came from a conversation with a former friend who apparently wanted to re-connect with me as a friend. I asked him to meet with me because he offered me a hug at a gathering we mutually attended, and because he's been sort of subtly signaling to me that he'd like to see if we could re-connect as friends. So we had lunch together and talked. At some point I let him know what the reasons were for my backing out of the friendship. Mostly they had to do with a need for more appreciation from him and less criticism and complaining. We were collaborators in a group project once, and we had differences of opinion -- and the whole matter is rather complicated and multi-faceted, but I just felt accused and berated and unappreciated by him all of the time. I have plenty of friends, and none of them cause me to feel so unappreciated, disrespected and ... accused of being this or that negative thing.

When our lunch together was over it felt that all we had accomplished is to confirm that we're not at all compatible as either friends or project collaborators. Once again I felt unappreciated, disparaged, and treated with basic unkindness and -- most crucially -- an unwillingness or perhaps even an inability to meet me with empathy. All of my friends treat me with a minimum level of empathy, respect and kindness. And I now choose not to hang out or collaborate with those who do not. I think we should basically feel good when we're with our friends. Yeah, we have down moments in friendships, but if most of them are bummers, why bother?

I let him know that my basic difficulty with him is that I don't feel he has been meeting me with empathy and kindness, which is why I stopped hanging out with him.

I am guessing that he actually lacks a certain skillfulness in being empathetic, that he somehow cannot see things from another person's vantage point. He seems to me to be very self-focussed, as if other people's point of view is simply always wrong. He's always "right," in other words. But he seems to think otherwise, strangely. He does not seem to be aware of how he's always in the "right" point of view, and how off-putting this is.

Does this sound at all familiar? I find people who behave in this way just intolerable to be around in a shortish while. They expect others to learn from them and their wisdom, but are unable to learn from others. I guess it's arrogance, but he'd be the last person to admit to arrogance.

But the basic underlying difficulty I have with him is less arrogance, per se, than some sort of apparent glitch which prevents him from empathetic listening.

So I want to put up empathetic listening as my first suggested intimate relating skill.

Perhaps we could generate a list of intimate relating skills which we generally agree as useful skills to have in intimate relating, then (or meanwhile) discuss
how we can develop and enhance these skills in ourselves?
 
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I think that drives me crazy. my ex mother in law has no interest in anyone else. whenever I go over here she never asks me how I am doing, she only talks about herself and just shows off all the stuff she's done (crafts) or things she bought. she doesn't even respond to anything I tell her about myself. I do not want to be friends with someone who can't at least fake interest in my life.

I have a really hard time being around grouchy people, they make me very uncomfortable. I need to be around someone who is easy going. i'm not really sure where that falls in the relationship skills category though
 
My proposed list so far...

1. empathetic listening

2. celebrating our friend's (or love's) bountiful virtues


I want our list to be a collaboration between all of us, so I'll only add two items to the list, then go silent about list items until we've all added up a dozen together.

But I should explain item 2 (celebration of our friend) before going silent.

First of all, we should all be open to hearing criticism, and allowing ourselves to be moved by appropriate and necessary criticism. But if our "friend" is far more often critical and disparaging than celebrating our many virtues, we'll not likely want to hang out with him or her at all -- unless we're emotional masochists of some sort.

My closest friends DO let me know when I'm being, or have been, a bit of an ass -- but they do so in a context in which they often celebrate my many virtues. I'm not all bad, after all -- even if I'm an ass now and then (like most of us mortals).

I find it SO much easier to accept and benefit from criticism from those who I feel really like me and appreciate me. So it just makes sense, folks, if you want to offer some criticism -- try offering a lot of authentic praise and appreciation to your friend as well. Let there be five or ten items of appreciation or praise for every criticism -- or just get the heck out of the friendship if you can't. Right? No sane or reasonable person wants to be put down all the dang time.
 
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Inyourendo said:
I have a really hard time being around grouchy people, they make me very uncomfortable. I need to be around someone who is easy going. i'm not really sure where that falls in the relationship skills category though
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I just pledged not to label any more list items until we've put up a dozen together. I bet you can think up a label for yours, though. :)
 
River said:
I find it SO much easier to accept and benefit from criticism from those who I feel really like me and appreciate me. So it just makes sense, folks, if you want to offer some criticism -- try offering a lot of authentic praise and appreciation to your friend as well. Let there be five or ten items of appreciation or praise for every criticism -- or just get the heck out of the friendship if you can't. Right? No sane or reasonable person wants to be put down all the dang time.
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Sure. But the problem might be that if you have done something that really upset the other person, it may be very hard to - in that same moment -remember all the things that they did that were also great. One might even start to question if those great qualities are even present any more.

I usually try to put forth critisism gently...But I don't say a lot of praise at the same time, unless the person is freaking out and think I don't like them. I find that most people are able to respond well to being critisized. And I try to show by example by thanking people if they critize me, for their honesty and chip in with my attempt to solve things.
 
meeting half way on the communication styles.

My best friend (f and not a lover) prefers email.

I prefer calling or live chat.

She'll effortlessly write me what I consider epic emails, and I love reading them. I'll put in the effort to send her back long missives too. But she'll understand if I write short things, and some days we might send half a dozen longer-than-live-chat but shorter-than-epic emails in a day on occasion.

And a couple of times a year we meet in person and get it all out over hours of conversation.

Evie
 
River said:
What might we possibly generally agree on as items comprising basic skills useful or necessary to happy and healthy intimate relationships?
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The willingness and ability to be introspective.

95% (arguably, if not all) of the experience of a relationship is what I'm zeroing in on, what hits me, what I'm on the lookout for and what I see thru my filter of life experience. What upsets me about a behavior may not upset someone else, and what I find charming may not appeal to many others. It's really all about knowing that my perceptions are my perceptions, not really the other's character flaws or anything that smacks of blame. In psycho-babble, we call this "owning our shit." The more shit I can own, the more I can choose to work on, let go, focus on other things or express my needs - always on the foundation that this "issue" is what I'm choosing to focus upon, not something that another person is foisting upon me. When two people are able and willing to be introspective, you have the potential for a happy, healthy, intimate relationship.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
Sure. But the problem might be that if you have done something that really upset the other person, it may be very hard to - in that same moment -remember all the things that they did that were also great. One might even start to question if those great qualities are even present any more.

I usually try to put forth critisism gently...But I don't say a lot of praise at the same time, unless the person is freaking out and think I don't like them. I find that most people are able to respond well to being critisized. And I try to show by example by thanking people if they critize me, for their honesty and chip in with my attempt to solve things.
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Thanks Norwegianpoly.

I was speaking about the overall nature of communication over time -- weeks, months, years. The trend proportions, if you will. I was not talking about the very moment of offering criticism or suggestions for improvement. If Sean routinely tells me the things he appreciates about me, I'm much more likely to
feel basically appreciated by Sean when he let's it be known that he doesn't like one of my habits (or whatever). I'm going to me more able to take Sean's criticism in and be influenced by it if Sean isn't giving me 75-90% criticism and hardly any words of appreciation. But it's the trend over weeks, months and years that I'm talking about.
 
Our List So Far

1. empathetic listening

2. celebrating our friend's (or love's) bountiful virtues

3. meeting half way on the communication styles

4. willingness and ability to be introspective



_____________

Any more ideas?
 
Willingness to change... if *you* recognize the need to do so.

To be a little more clear, Hubby and I used to have a major issue because I would ask him to do something to take some of my load off of me if I was overtired, or if it was something I wasn't capable of doing. He would agree to do it... but then wouldn't do it at all, and I would end up having to do it while stressing about the fact that it should have been done days earlier, and while feeling as if Hubby was letting me down and giving me reason not to trust his word because he wasn't following through.

No matter how many times I talked to him about it, he insisted it wasn't a behavior he could change. He said he was "lazy" and "forgetful." At one point, his solution to the issue, instead of "I'll try harder to follow through" was "I won't say I'll do anything and then I won't have to worry about following through."

That went on for a couple years, until things reached critical mass for a number of reasons and I made it clear I was on the verge of leaving him. He said he knew he should change some things about himself and that he *wanted* to do so, both to help me feel more valued by him and to make himself feel more responsible and as if he was working *with* me as a team to manage our household and family. He asked me to help him figure out which of his behaviors were the most problematic, and I told him that I only ask him to do things if I'm too ill, in too much pain, or just too overwhelmed to do them, or if it's something I don't know how to do, so I needed him to agree to do things when I asked, if possible, and that I needed him to follow through when he agreed.

Because at that point he was willing to work on *himself* as part of working on the marriage, he finally heard what I'd been saying for years. And since that conversation, he has agreed to almost everything (when he's refused, it's been because *he* was ill), and he has followed through on everything he's agreed to. A few times, he's even said "Honey, you look like you aren't feeling well. Do you have anything you need me to do so you can rest?"

So that's a fricking long post, but the gist is that I think being able and willing to recognize things about ourselves that are causing problems in the relationship, and being willing to change those things--for our own sake, not only because our partner says so, because if you change for someone else and not yourself it rarely sticks--is a vital relationship skill.
 
1. empathetic listening

2. celebrating our friend's (or love's) bountiful virtues

3. meeting half way on the communication styles

4. willingness and ability to be introspective

5. willingness to change... if *you* recognize the need to do so
 
Reading through the list, I greatly miss the ability to express oneself, express feelings, especially to show love and affection (don't know if those deserve two different point on the list or just one). The counterpart of emphaty is expresing feelings, and often the result of introspection is the need to express what you found, be it gratitude, anger or a boundary you wish to set. As for expressing love, I think in a romantic relationship it is perhaps the most important, or one of the most important bonding factors if you can make each other feel loved (which means it is necessary for one to show the love inside and for the other to hear it).
 
Relationship skills/traits that are useful or necessary in my opinion:

  • Empathy,
  • Honesty,
  • Courtesy,
  • Humility,
  • Self-esteem,
  • Attentiveness.
And possibly others I haven't thought of right now.

Perhaps one could carry the list around in one's purse or pocket, and review it at least once or twice a day?

Sorry my list doesn't correspond with the group list effort. Feel free to use some or none of the items I listed.
 
1. empathetic listening

2. celebrating our friend's (or love's) bountiful virtues

3. meeting half way on the communication styles

4. willingness and ability to be introspective

5. willingness to change... if *you* recognize the need to do so

6. the ability to express oneself, express feelings, especially to show love and affection

7. The ability to be attentive
 
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kdt26417 said:
Relationship skills/traits that are useful or necessary in my opinion:

  • Empathy,
  • Honesty,
  • Courtesy,
  • Humility,
  • Self-esteem,
  • Attentiveness.
Click to expand...

Empathy is on the list -- and I do see that as a skill as well as a trait. Since it's explicitly a skill list and not a trait or intentions list, some of the other items in this list may not fit. Is honesty a skill, per se? Hmm? Maybe.

I think the final item in this list, attentiveness, can clearly be stated as a skill.: The ability to be attentive. How's that?
 
That sounds fine. Carry on.
 
I have the idea that it would be nice if folks here could either

(a) comment or offer suggestions on the skills so far listed. I.e., how are such skills developed or nurtured?

and/or

(b) add to the list of basic relationship skills.
 
Are there books out there that would help with some of the skills?
 
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