Becoming extremely frustrated

B

bodees

New member
I'm new to the forum and I'm going to try and make this as short as possible. I'm mono and my girlfriend is married. We live in the same town and I love her more than anything. We both have children. We are able to see each other a few days a week usually but typically only for about 3 hours at a time. I seem to be having two major issues at this time. One of them being actual time spent together and the other is us being intimate. We almost never get overnights, I would say about 4-6 in a year and we are only intimate on average 1-2 times a month. I have brought up my concerns to her several times, especially the intimacy one as I try not to take her away from her husband and the overnights would be doing that. I have voiced my concerns about it several times over the last year or so and nothing has changed. Now it has gotten so bad that I'm actually considering dating other people as well and seeing how that goes. I honestly don't want anyone else but I don't know what else to do. I know that this might seem shallow to some people but for me it is an extremely important part of a relationship and I have explained that to her on many occasions and it just doesn't seem to be making a difference.

I've been following this forum for over a year now and this is my first post. I also wouldn't mind meeting new people who understand what I'm going through. Any advice would be great.
Thanks
 
She can't do overnights so either dump her and find someone who can, find someone in addition to her who can do overnights or just put up with it.
 
Let me repeat back what I understand so I know I got it. Correct me if I am wrong, ok?


BACKGROUND

  • I am monoamorous.
  • I am dating a married woman.
  • We both have kids.

PROBLEM:

I am not happy at this time for 2 reasons:

1) Actual time spent together. We see each other a few days a week for 3 hours at a time. I would like _______ instead.

2) Our sex life. We get about 4-6 overnights in a year. We are only intimate on average 1-2 times a month. I would like ____ overnights a year, and I would like opportunity to share sex ____ times a month instead.


WHAT I HAVE DONE SO FAR

I have told her my concerns. Nothing has changed so far. Likelihood of changing soon is ______.

She is willing/not willing to negotiate with me.

She is able/not able to negotiate with me.

CONCLUSION

I am considering breaking up and dating other people because my needs are not being met here.
​

Is that where this is at? If so? And she is not willing/able at this time to renegotiate something with you that you can live with?

Then your needs are not being met here and not likely to be any time soon.

And yes. You could move on to dating other people. That's what I would do. Limit reached -- needs not met.

I'm so sorry you are struggling. It doesn't sound easy right now. :(

Galagirl
 
Between your kids, her kids, both of your jobs, and any other family obligations you both have, do you think there is time in either of your lives realistically for more time together alone? I know that as someone who is in a similar situation to your gf (minus the kids, yet), I know both me and my bf know there may be a decrease in intimate time and time alone when my husband and I have kids.
 
Ending things with her is not an option. When I mentioned seeing other people it was in addition to her. And time is a big part of the problem, which I keep hoping will get better as kids get older. But what concerns me is that we could spend more time together but don't. And I also feel like sex with me isn't as important to her because she is getting it somewhere else. I don't like that I say I am having a difficult time and absolutely no effort has been made. She says she agrees with me that we aren't having sex enough but doesn't actually do anything to change it.
I also want to add that our kids are not tiny. They are all middle school/high school age. So there is the possibility of things getting much better in the somewhat near future.
 
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It is possible that she really just doesn't understand how important sex is for you. I know I had this problem with my bf...he always told me he needed more physical time together, and while I wasn't OPPOSED, I didn't understand why it was such a big deal. Sadly, I think I was stuck in the traditional frame of mind which says "Men always want more sex and will never be satisfied" so I didn't feel motivated to really try to appease him.

Something helpful for us has been when my bf specifically described what would be an ideal "sex week" for him, or exactly how much sex was his ideal. He didn't pressure me to match this ideal but at least I freakin understood what he was talking about was not 5094304694 times a day.

Also, while I think poly is good for people to use as a way to get "all" needs met, I don't think you becoming poly will help you feel better about THIS relationship...it will probably continue to really suck unless you change something with HER (rather than externally).
 
Ending things with her is an option. What might be the case is that you're not going to end things despite how unhappy the current situation leaves you.
 
If you are able and willing to find someone else to meet those needs I think that's a great option. I spend two nights a week with sam and 3 nights a week with nate (the other 2 I work) because sleepovers is an en extremely important part of a serious relationship for me.

You definitely don't have to dump your girlfriend. Enjoy what time she is willing to spend with you are. Im not quite sure what her reasons are but have 4 kids and it can be done
 
I think you might mean breaking up is not an option you want to consider right now. You prefer to consider dating other people in addition to her instead. Is that what you mean? (How does that work if you are monoamorous and only want to have one sweetie at a time?)

Since you also propose "wait and see" as a path you could take... Yes. You could do that instead.

But could put a time limit on it so it does not become the eternal snooze tag. You might be willing to wait a year or 5 til the kids graduate... But I am sure you do not want to wait 10, 20, 30 years either. She is not meeting your needs at this time. You doing perpetual snooze tag is not you meeting your needs either over time. Could guard against that.

In the end only you can decide what you want to do. I am not sure what your desired outcome is so it is hard to give feedback to help you attain it.

I am sorry you struggle. I hope venting helped some. :(

Galagirl
 
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bodees, you sound just plain lonely. You love her, you want to keep that, you don't want anyone else, but you aren't getting enough intimate time and touch.

Worse yet, you've tried communicating about your needs and requesting more intimate time, but that hasn't been realized.

Worst of all, you suspect that you could spend more time together, but that you are deprioritized. You think that happens because she gets a consistent supply of intimacy from her other (clearly primary) relationship. That may be true, but that's pretty deep into her psyche to be guessing at. Sure, the kids getting older might release some of her time back to you, but you don't seem to think the entire problem is tight schedules with kid duties.


If you think that you could sustain more than one loving relationship (that is, if you're not necessarily mono) maybe you should give that a try. That seems to have the best potential for you to get the frequency and duration of intimate interaction that you crave.

It's probably harder to find a poly-friendly person to be your primary (in terms of intimate time and frequent overnights) than it would be to develop a monogamous relationship if you simply ended this relationship. You sound like breaking up is the last thing you want to do, so see how far you can get with finding a partner who prioritizes intimate time with you, but doesn't begrudge you this deep connection with your current partner.
 
One thing I didn't get from your post, OP - does her husband know and approve of her seeing you? Is he seeing anyone else - i.e., is he poly, mono, or clueless?
 
Why can't you spend more time together?

I manage to split my time 60/40 between my husbands and our homes which are 23 miles apart.

I work full time and second job part time. Murf works 12 hour overnight shifts. Butch second shift 7 days on 2 days off 8 days on 4 days off. Butch and Murf are BOTH working a lot of overtime. I have kids who are 11 and 7. Who play sports and have activities.

Yet I manage to spend 12-14 days a month with Murf and those are full days. It just takes some work on everyone's part.
 
My ex boyfriend left me in the lurch in a very similar way - we had agreed on 2 dates a week with one overnight a week but this was often canceled and not rescheduled, which had me very unhappy and feeling discounted and unimportant most of the time. I was not getting enough sex to meet my needs. I too, did not want to find another partner, but eventually, I did, and that hastened the end of the relationship. We were both poly though.

As much as I loved my ex, there were too many needs that went unmet within the relationship for me. I have a blog in the life stories section if you are interested in reading my heartache. :/ It seriously sucks when you communicate unmet needs again and again and have them glossed over and ignored. So I can commiserate.

I think you have gotten good advice in this thread.
 
Bluebird said:
My ex boyfriend left me in the lurch in a very similar way - we had agreed on 2 dates a week with one overnight a week but this was often canceled and not rescheduled, which had me very unhappy and feeling discounted and unimportant most of the time. I was not getting enough sex to meet my needs. I too, did not want to find another partner, but eventually, I did, and that hastened the end of the relationship. We were both poly though.

As much as I loved my ex, there were too many needs that went unmet within the relationship for me. I have a blog in the life stories section if you are interested in reading my heartache. :/ It seriously sucks when you communicate unmet needs again and again and have them glossed over and ignored. So I can commiserate.

I think you have gotten good advice in this thread.
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yeah if my boyfriend did that to me he'd be out the door. I know Sam would never tolerate that. If i have to switch things around with him then i make up for it. For instance I normally spend wed/sat nights with Sam but because Nate is doing a fri-sun medical study Ive been temporarily spending fri/sat night with sam instead.
 
Welcome to the forum, bodees.

Regarding time:
When you've raised the issue, have you gone further than just describing your feelings and moved through to talks of change, as below?

1) Description = "I feel lonely in our relationship / I wish we had more time together / I feel that we don't get enough time"

2) Articulation of ideals/needs/wants = "I would like to increase our time to X hours a week, with X overnights per month."

3) Conversation = "I've told you how I feel and stated what I want. How do you feel about this, and what are your wants/needs/ideals?"

4) Actionables = "So, will anything change? Yes or no? If yes, when?"

If you have already done all of this, that's good. If you haven't, it might be something to try.


Regarding sexual intimacy:
Libido mismatch is crap. It's really hard. I understand.

Does she just have a lower libido in general? If not and it's something else, have you talked about that? Not just about the lack of sex, but about ways to increase it?

For instance, if a partner said to me "let's have wild sex on Tuesday", I'd be full of anticipation and creative ideas. On the other hand, if my GF is told "let's have wild sex on Tuesday", she is instantly turned off, feels pressured, and almost dreads the experience. Everyone has different requirements for getting in the mood: to be seduced / to take control, to be taken out / to be at home, to feel relaxed / to feel excited, romance / kink, etc. So, I'd always suggest a conversation around "how" rather than just "how much" or "when".


Regarding your options:
If you've already done everything mentioned above, you're at an impasse. You could re-state these things and basically communicate to gf that it's the final straw - something changes, or you will start seeking other options.

It's difficult if you're monogamous, I understand. If you are truly monogamous, then you may find it difficult to find others appealing, or you might find that if you develop feelings for someone new, your feelings for your gf lessen. Opening up seems like the best option here if you want to give it a try. It doesn't sound like you are happy with one part-time girlfriend, and that's completely understandable.
 
Her husband knows about us. That isn't the issue. The issue I believe is more that she doesn't want to disturb time with him at all. Like it is supposed to be the same for him as it was before she had someone else. No less time with her or anything like that.

Libido had also been discussed well before we even became a couple so I know hers is at least close to the same as mine. That's part of what is frustrating. I really believe it comes down to there not being enough time when we are together and that we both sick at initiating it.
 
Hey bodees.

I want to know how long you and gf have been together. If you are just past the NRE stage (new relationship energy), sometimes frequent spontaneous sex can start to fade away. Was she more hot for you until recently?

You deserve a responsive sex partner. It doesn't matter if you are her "secondary." Her husband is not a superior person to you just because she's known him longer! Your needs and desires are just as valid and important as his!

I think this article would be very helpful to you:

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

Plenty of secondaries are content with only getting together 2-4 times a month, or in the case of LDRs, much less frequently. However, you are not. You want more time, and more quality time at that.

My gf sees her bf every other weekend for an overnight. They seem content with this relationship. It is an intense, connected date, with lots and lots of sex. However, I see my secondary 2-3 times a week, no overnights, and he's been slacking off on the quality of our times together recently as he has a new gf (and as of last weekend is now involved with her husband as well!). I am NOT pleased with this lessening of prioritizing me, and we have had to have some serious honest discussions about how, if he doesn't focus on me more, I am going to have to leave him. When I said that last night, I think it made an impact. He told me if I left, his life would fall apart. We've been together 2 1/2 years, he loves me to heck. He's gonna risk losing me over a new relationship of a few months duration with a couple of poly noobs, which could potentially blow up at any time? Time for a reality check.
 
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What are your girlfriend's boundaries with her husband in regards to time with other partners, overnights, etc.?

I had an issue with one partner (who wasn't even a relationship, just a FWB) because he wanted overnights. I had made it clear to him that those were not a possibility; aside from spending nights with others being on Hubby's and my "not gonna happen" list, I am unable to sleep with someone else--other than Hubby--in the room with me, let alone the bed, because of PTSD issues. Even with hubby, it took me over a year before I could stay asleep when he got into bed, and it took me about three years before I could fall asleep if he was in bed with me.

My FWB knew all this, but refused to accept it; although he continued seeing me, every time I left his place, I got snarky sarcasm like "Oh, of course, I wouldn't want to keep you" or "Okay, crawl home to Hubby now." Needless to say, I didn't see him for very long.

If you and your girlfriend already had an agreement that included a set amount of time together and/or set number of overnights, and she's now not sticking to that agreement, it might be time to ask her what's changed and tell her how you're feeling. If you didn't have an agreement, it might be a good time to set one.

Seeing someone else in addition to her is an option. Breaking up with her so you can have *one* partner who meets your needs is an option; you say it isn't, but we always have choices, we might just not like one of them. Continuing the status quo is an option. Renegotiating your relationship with her is an option.

Whatever option you decide on, best of luck to you.
 
Magdlyn said:
Plenty of secondaries are content with only getting together 2-4 times a month, or in the case of LDRs, much less frequently. However, you are not. You want more time, and more quality time at that.
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OP: this seems like the heart of the matter, to me. Regardless of what agreements she and her husband may have (it really doesn't matter), you have what looks like a dealbreaking desire to have more sex and overnights with her. You've told her, and she has elected to leave it where it is (regardless of whether or not she "agrees" with you). While she seems content to have very limited sex with you (are we talking about sex when we say "intimate time"?), that doesn't mean that you have the same level of interest/desire.

This isn't a problem for me, but I don't view relationships as static entities. I can simply let my association with her drift into friendship (if that's where it wants to go). That's not to say that I wouldn't be disappointed, but what are the other options? I could put a bunch of effort into jamming that square peg through the round hole, but I don't see a winner coming out of that.

In your case, you've pretty much buried all of your possible solutions to the issue:
Breaking up or changing the nature of your relationship (friends instead of partners) is not an option
Dating someone else in addition to her is not an option​

Waiting around for her kids to go to college and *hoping* that she wants to hook up with you more would seem to be the only avenue you've left for yourself. That seems like a sad state, I can't imagine intentionally digging myself into that rut. Personally, I don't see how you've left yourself any options.
 
We have been together about 2 years but nre isn't the issue here. This has been the case for over a year. When I say intimate I mean sex. Everything else is great. We cuddle and kiss and all of the other stuff plenty for me. I know I mentioned the overnights, and while I would like more they really aren't as big of an issue. The only reason they are is because it would be more quality time. If we could get a good 6-7 hours in a row in once every week or two that would be fine with me. There were never any sit down agreements made between husband and her when she got another partner. Not everything in this situation is her fault. Things changed along the way and the relationship between us has morphed into something neither of us expected. We were both supposed to have another primary partner and be each other secondary. Well things didn't work out that way on my end so she has turned into two people's primary. So I have a lot of emotion I'm trying to get used to myself in being alone for the first time in my life and such. It's more that I get mixed signals. She says she wants me all the time and stuff yet if that were true I feel like we would be having sex more. It's things like that.
 
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