Being the Newbie to a poly couple- long distance

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Pitagal

New member
Hello

Hi Evveryone!


This has been a whirlwind experience and I would just like some advice. 3 months ago I reconnected with the guy who was my very first. He is married and they are both poly. I texted both him and his wife for a month before I flew out to Virginia to spend time with them. I live in Utah. I am a single mom with two daughters. I have always been monogamous and straight. After meeting them I was overwhelmed by the way they cared about me. It wasn't about sex at all. We all connected. And since our first time together I fell in love with the wife. I know I could fall in love with the guy too. So we have made a commitment to meet once a month. I'm looking for any advice...
 
Greetings Pitagal,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

My advice consists of two things:

  • I advise you to go slow in your new relationships,
  • I advise you to learn like crazy about polyamory.
There's an awful lot to learn, as you will see if you'll explore the various threads and boards here. Polyamory can be very rewarding, but there are pitfalls too. Of course if you're just meeting once a month (understandable given the distance), that'll certainly slow the relationships down. Which is actually a good thing.

Keep us posted and we'll try to help some more.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I live in Utah and my couple lives in Virginia. They own their own business together and have been married 11 years. They want a closed triad with me. Which at this point in my life I probably could do. I am totally in love with the wife. We have a connection that is amazing. She's very good about continuing to build our relationship even when we are apart. She makes me feel like a priority. As for the husband when I'm with him he makes me feel loved and adored. And he tells me he wants to get to know me as well as his wife and have an equal relationship as he does with her. Is this really possible only seeing him once a month? He doesn't really connect with me when I'm home. Only when I'm there. I'm learning to communicate better but it seems to me like I'm complaining. I have very strong feelings for him. We have history from High School. But I don't know how to build the relationship when we are not together. Any advice? Am I thinking too much? So confused..
 
I think you could say yes to building something there but not be in a rush to

  • give up dating local people
  • move to VA
  • move in with them

You have only been dating one month and long distance at that. Give it some time. There's no rush.

Galagirl
 
Thank you! I am not in a rush to do any of those things. Except local dating isn't for me right now. I just don't know how to build a better relationship with the husband if he's not willing to put the effort into it. I mainly concentrate my energy on the wife!! I love her and she makes me feel so loved back. Which is a new dynamic for them because usually the women fall in love with him and tolerate her. And this time I fell for her before him. So I'm
Not sure if that's causing him to just sit back..
 
Hi Pitagal,

My advice is to tell the husband you need him to put more effort into the relationship when you're in Utah. Do you guys Skype at all (or anything like that)? What about exchanging emails? What would help you feel connected?

I'm glad that things are going so well with the wife.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
How long have you been seeing them? Long distance relationships are hard, and you are very far from them.

Some people just don't do well with messaging, texting, skyping, phone calls, and are more "in person" kinds of people. So the guy may care about you as much as his wife does, he just doesn't like to write or do phone/skype.

Are you really fine with only seeing your lover(s) once a month? Unless you're really wrapped up in new relationship energy, and living on fantasies, how can you go so long without physical touch, voice, sex?

If you are planning on moving, beware. Living together after only short visits weeks apart is very different. People have been burned, especially when a single woman moves in with a couple. Make sure you get your own place and job and car.

Are there any kids involved?
 
Seeing each other once a month is actually quite a lot for a long distance relationship. The relationship is new, and getting better at staying in touch over the distance might take time. I have been in an international long distance relationship and we see each other one week a month (exept for holidays that might last a little longer). The sex is not a problem, because we see each other enough to get into it and seldom enough for it to feel amazing and virgin-like every time.
 
What if you never develop deep feelings for the husband like you do for the wife? Are you going to be ok with not having your own boyfriend/husband with whom you feel a passionate connection? Will they dump you if you decide you're really only in love with wife? What happened to the women they dated before you?

Frankly, I'd never agree to a closed triad with a long-married couple. You have an impossible amount of catching up to do to reach where they are together, and there is a difference between being a "third" to a couple and being an equal threesome. Make sure you're not being relegated to the former before you do anything crazy like move in with them or agree not to date others.
 
Well I told the husband that I felt like very distant from him. So he has started making an effort to text me and get to know me more. And the next time I go out there he wants to have me stay with him in a hotel for the whole night. That way we can spend time connecting with each other. I have 2 teen daughters who think of them as aunt and uncle. They know that he's my old HS friend. If I never connected with the husband it would be fine. But honestly I know that the connection will be there. They are an amazing couple and as for the long distance I'm sure as the time goes on it will become more than once a month. I am just intrigued about the notion that a married couple could love someone else as equal to their spouse. I know that I can't move right now. I just am trying to wrap my head around dating two different people who are married to each other. The last woman they had only wanted the husband and she didn't like the wife and ultimately the woman wanted the husband to leave his wife so they ended that relationship. I don't know if we will ever be a true triad because I am long distance but I am trying. I'll fly there this weekend then again in two weeks for my birthday. Then we will all meet in Vegas for a Country Festival for 3 days. So we are definitely making the effort to see each other. The husband and I reconnected 3 months ago and then I met the wife a month later. Some days I love that I'm in the relationship and other days I feel left out because they are together every day. I'm definitely working on my feelings and emotions. But I'm very torn. I know we all have connections but I just don't know how to sustain it long distance?

Thank you everyone! This is the only safe place I have to ask questions..
 
I think LDR's are hard to sustain. It probably helps to schedule daily or weekly Skype sessions. Communication is extra important, that's what I've heard from others who've been in LDR's. I don't have much experience in that area myself. :(

Gria2004, I responded to your post in your other thread; check it out.
 
Having sustained a LDR for a year now, I have to agree with Kevin, LDRs are hard to maintain.

We do a few things that seem to work:
-texts, a lot. (And some emails). Because they don't have to be concurrent we text whenever we feel like it, with the understanding that return texts can come back at anytime they don't have to be read/responded to immediately.

- online games. Anything we can do at the same time is a welcome connection.

- phone/Skype. We aren't either of us big skypers, so we phone more often, but even so it's only about once every week or two.

- reading the same books/watching the same TV shows at the same time. The TV works best on Netflix since we are in different time zones. But we read the same books over a number of weeks.

- travel. We used to do every month for 5 days, but it got exhausting, so now we average every second month... give or take a bit!

It was really hard at the beginning, and the goodbyes are always hard, and getting harder (honestly). But the important thing is to pay attention to your feelings and be aware when communication patterns aren't working for you. We worked out our patterns over a number of months, and figuring out what we needed and how much 'interruption' we could handle in our days was trial and error. Not fun, or easy. But worth it!

PS. There are boards for LDR, just like there are for poly. It's worth reading them to get ideas :)
 
We aren't really ldr unless a busy life and an hour drive counts. But we watch Netflix movies or the same tv shows and text throughout to have a connection when we can't be there face to face.
 
I have been in an international LDR for nearly two years. What works for us is:
- daily texts (we use an app to save money. plus for easy to send emicons and sending Pictures)
- Skyping 1-5 days a week
- sceduling visits in advance. I usually buy the next ticket before going on a travel. Then we always have a Count Down
- I actually make him Count Down Cards, with boxes to cross out. He loves it
- Taking care of a cat together, that lives with him. Although I am now also in a long distance relatonship with my cat!
- when I visit him we always go out to eat at least one day in a nice restaurant, like a date.
- take pictures of us together and display them
- Sending/bringing cards, gifts, food etc.
- I make books for us, with our story, pictures etc.
- he works in a place where many people are in LDRs, so he talks to them. I talk to people on a net forum.
- We can't watch netflix or the same movies because of time/country zones. We don't like the same games. But we do share music together.
 
Merged your threads

Hi Pitagal,

FYI - I merged your Intro post from the Introductions forum with this one in Poly Relationships Corner because you were asking for advice in that post. It also gave a little bit of background on your relationships, so it seemed better to add it here than to leave it as an introduction.
 
So my story continues. We are supposed to meet this weekend. Yesterday in my daily life I had a breakdown and ended up crying to them both. Something I'm not comfortable with at all. They were both very supportive and caring. But I know this sounds harsh it kind of upset me because they can't make things better. They aren't here to give me a hug and just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I appreciated that they were there for me the best they could. But I'm upset because I don't like showing my real feelings. At least not this soon into a relationship. So how do you deal with your daily life and merge into a poly life? They are together with their problems and I'm alone with mine. I love them but very nervous about what to do next.. I feel like I've ruined the dynamic involving them in my daily life.. Any one feel the same?
 
I guess because really there is nothing they can do. So I feel like an emotional cry baby. I like to be logical and caring. When I love someone I am very intense and probably a little overwhelming so I'm really trying to tone it down at least I wanted to until they got to know me better..
 
Maybe you're feeling particularly vulnerable due to the long distance? Just a thought.
 
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