Being Torn Apart - Help!

[KitsuneRin]

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry this will be a long post but I am desperate for some input, and I have nowhere else to turn ;;

I have a big problem and it's driven me to some pretty bad things which I don't want to mention here. My name is Matthew, I'm transmale and poly. Basically, I have been in a long-term relationship with C (also transmale), he has been with me through everything, from being kicked out my house to moving to England. He's always been there. I love him from the bottom of my heart.

We have a bit of an age gap, me being 30 and him being 23. Sometimes we argue, but never anything big. C is currently attending college and is unemployed, so most our disputes are over money.

Anyways, 4 months ago, we both started dating a friend we mutually were interested in, K. Our ground rules were that honesty was the most important thing, if anyone got jealous they needed to say. Also, K admired us as a couple already and so she stated that if one of us broke up with her, she would walk away from both of us. Which is cruel but she thought it would be for the best.

I live with C, so K often got jealous of that. She is not a horrible person, she's closer to my age (26), works a lot and is very experienced in caring for people with health problems (I have borderline personality disorder, OCD, type 1 diabetes and fibromyalgia). When she stays over, she always makes sure I have everything I need, makes sure I have food, water, makes sure I take my meds and is generally a very lovely and pure person.

However, the jealousy between them caused a lot of problems. It turned out that even though C had wanted to date K, he later decided he wanted it to be platonic between them, instead of anything sexual. K and I are very sexual, but C doesn't have a problem with that. So K agreed, it still meant they were together of course.

C is not like K, he's not openly romantic or loving, he shows it in different ways, he avoids confrontation and he's an introvert. K is the exact opposite it seems, and so they clashed a lot.

A few days ago, C couldn't take any more of the emotional stress and broke it off with K. Knowing that this meant I could no longer be with K (who I have fallen deeply in love with), my heart shattered and I didn't know what to do. K then said that she couldn't walk away from me, that she wouldn't leave me. And that I had improved more in the last 4 months mentally than I have in the last 6 years (this is true), therefore, she is not bad for me.

So right now, I am in a horrible limbo between C and K. K brought it up to me that C is not good for me anymore, I am at a standstill. That she could support me financially, emotionally and everything else, while C is lazy at times, doesn't work and is not as supportive as her. At first I got angry and upset. But I also see that K is probably right. She is more mature, can help me progress through life more and would be better for me.

But I am so in love with C. It's been 6 years and breaking up with him was never ever an option in my eyes. If I knew that these last 4 months would rock the very core of my relationship, I never would have gone into it.

And now, I still live with C, but K comes over every few days to check if I need anything or are okay. I'm not sure if it's my BPD that I'm completely attached to C, but I literally cannot imagine leaving him. But I also know that if I 'went' with K, I could perhaps be better in the long run.

I know this isn't strictly poly, it was originally supposed to be, but now it's a huge mess. I am being torn into two by two people who love me but are hurting me through doing it. My heart is constantly aching, I've been crying so much my ribs are bruised...

All I want is to be with both of them but K has it in her head that I need to make a choice of her or C. And I cannot make that choice. I don't know what to do, I'm so heartbroken and upset.

Please, if anyone has any advice, please let me know.
Thank you so much for reading!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi KitsuneRin,

The only agreeable compromise I can think of is to move out so that you have a (small) place of your own; then C and K can visit you at differing times if they want to. Or you can go and visit them (at differing times) if they want you to. Once you have moved into your own place, C and K will each have to decide if they want to stop seeing you. I would offer to keep seeing (either or both of) them if they still want you to. In other words, separate the two relationships. Don't let C have the say-so in whether you and K keep seeing each other, and don't let K have the say-so in whether you and C keep seeing each other.

I'm sure this is not a great suggestion, and I apologize for having nothing better to offer you. There is of course the possibility of choosing one (C or K) to break up with, and keep seeing the other. But I don't know how you would do that, you're very torn between the two. I guess breaking up with C would be the logical choice. If you're looking for logic.

Sorry you're caught in such a painful situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words. ou correct time if I get it wrong ok?

• Dating K has been a game changer. Through dating her you have come to realize that maybe C is not healthy for you at this time or maybe you "carry" C a lot. Coming to this realization is very painful for you because you always thought C would be a permanent long term partner.
  
• You want to be with both of them so you don't have to choose between them.
  • C and K used to date too, but they are not compatible.
  • K doesn't want to be around C and prefers you choose one or the other.
  • So this isn't going to be a "V" situation with you as the hinge. You DO have to choose something.
• Right now you are really upset and crying.

If so? I think you could ask K how long she's willing to wait for your decision.

If she wants an answer NOW, you could tell her you are breaking up with her. (Largely because she rushes you and no matter how kind she's been about meds, food, and all that... rushing you to make a major life changing decision when THIS upset is not kind.)

If she's willing to wait so you can make this decision from a cooler frame of mind? Ask her to wait X weeks, and then take the time to calm down, think it through and assess both partners more objectively.

However great C was in the past? Doesn't matter.

• Evaluate how compatible/good for your mental health is C TODAY and in the near future?
• How compatible/good for your mental health is K TODAY an in the near future?

Make a pros/cons list. If it really turns out that K is more compatible? You could let go of C and make your peace with that.

If you have come to realize that C is not all that great for you but is willing to try? I suppose you could end it with K and ask C to step to up and see if C improves or not. If C is still a drain? You could end it with C later down.

Alternately, you could choose to be with neither one -- end it with both and be on your own for a while.

This isn't going to be one of those "win-lose" choices. This is going to be one of those "this stinks and that stinks -- so which choices stinks the least?" type choices.

Only you can answer that.

I am sorry though. It sounds like you have some soul searching to do.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

sigh... and this is why I hate triads.

Honestly? It sounds like K is taking over your life and making decisions for you in many uncomfortable "care-takery" controlling ways.

She says she'll date both you and K and respects you as a couple. Even to the point of, if it doesn't work out with either of you, she'll break up with both.

And yet, words being cheap, then changes her mind when it doesn't work out for her with C, and is now demanding you choose between her, a partner of a few months, and C, a partner of 6 years.

Meanwhile she's making sure your physical needs because of your illness, are taken care of. It's almost like she targeted a physically vulnerable man to get her jollies in controlling him and getting him to change his partner and his life, just for her.

And you are afraid you aren't seeing things clearly because of your Borderline Personality Disorder. My adult daughter has that diagnosis, and I know it causes black and white thinking, and much anxiety.

What's the big rush in choosing between partners who both seem to offer good things in your life? You love C, he's been with you through thick and thin. Sure, he's young and a student and so doesn't contribute as much as you may like financially, but lots of people support a partner who is in college, for the long term financial benefit it is expected to bring.

K is a "cowgirl." She saw a couple and is trying to rope one off for herself. It seems like she's care-taking you to lure you away from your long-term partner. She is trying to force all kinds of important and fast decisions on you. I find that rude.

 

[jayblue122]

I share some of the same concerns as Magdlyn. How healthy is the dynamic between you and K? Is there any concerns about codependency? Or manipulation?

You have not listed any desire or reasons that you would want to break up with C. Yet K seems to be pressuring you into it... Is C okay with you continuing to date K? Even if he has minimal contact with her? Why does K feel you need to choose between them?

What are these big changes K has seen in you? I think it's natural to change when we are exposed to new people, and new experiences.

 

[anamikanon]

One thing you haven't mentioned in this situation is what is going on with C. You have your arguments and they are often about money, etc is normal partner stuff. Still being a student doesn't make him malicious, it simply makes him lacking for funds while he is a student. He has been with you for 6 years. You have stated that K thinks he is not good for you and you are wondering if she is right, but what do you think of C? What does C think of your relationship with K?

I don't know either C or K, but long life experience tells me that the kind of controlling behavior as well as shifting goalposts that K is demonstrating are not exactly the mark of a caring person. As per your post, when things fell through between C and her, she should have walked, which would devastate you, sure. Instead, she is telling you that the person you cannot imagine leaving is bad for you and that she is better and to leave him. I'd be very very suspicious of a favorable self assessment of this nature by anyone. Further, if her interest in acquiring you is about "winning" you from C, once she has you, there is no telling she will continue to be interested once NRE wears off.

Also seems to me that there is some amount of "getting back" at C possible in this situation, where within days of C calling it off with her because the emotional stress got to him, she tries to take you away from C (whom she was jealous of anyway - as per you)

If your truth is that you want to leave neither C nor K, perhaps this is not your headache to resolve at all. You could simply tell K that you refuse to choose between the two of them, and if she cannot accept that, she has to decide for herself.

On side note, I don't understand how moving in with a partner on the basis of a 4 month relationship and quitting a satisfying and stable 6 year one where you still love deeply to do it is supposed to help with BPD. I'd think it would fuck the head of a normal person too.