Best Ways to Bond with a New Metamour?

[Rochelle]

My partner of 8 years and I are living on different coasts right now, and he started dating someone new this year. She and I have met once, texted a lot, and talked on the phone a few times. She seems great—smart, funny, interesting, and she has a lot of experience in polyamory. She has told me she's allergic to drama in polyamory, which is reassuring as some of my previous metamours have brought a lot of drama! We both also prefer having more contact than less with metamours—one of the perks of polyamory, for me.

Before I left town, my partner and I had just started living together. It felt so good we made plans to move back in together when I come home for good this winter. Meanwhile he and his new love started getting more serious. I was a little sad this was happening while I was so far away--partly cause I haven't found it easy to date where I am, so I had to manage some envy, and partly cause I didn't get a chance to do fun things with them and be part of our shared world as she joined it. Still, I was feeling pretty happy and excited about coming home until they sort of accidentally moved in together a few months ago.

She had to leave a bad situation with her now ex, he needed a subletter while he travelled, and when he came back she just kind of stayed. Now they're both really into living together, in his one bedroom apartment, and want to keep it up. He has not mentioned that her moving out is an option he would consider—all he says is "we will work it out somehow."

I'm mad at my partner for how this happened, without discussing it with me. I felt rejected and questioned whether he still wants the life we were planning together. He claims he is still holding a place for me in his home, because he wants all three of us to live together now. She confirms that she would be open to this, but clearly she and I have no idea how we even get along really, much less if moving in with our partner together would be a good idea. Clearly, there are also a lot of logistical details to work out (would we need move, or buy a trailer, or are we really all going to share one bedroom???).

I'm open to believing it could work, if handled carefully and with a lot of love and respect and flexibility on all sides. I believe we're all reasonable and caring people, but my partner did break some major trust here. I am having doubts about his ability to keep our intimacy safe by communicating well enough while I'm out of town. I know if I'd been living with him I would've been kept in the loop and been part of the conversations about whether she moved in. I keep vacillating between feeling absolutely devastated, like my strong partnership of 8 years might be crumbling all the sudden, and then excited to come home and trusting we can make it all work somehow. My partner wants this to be true, and has emphasized that he wants me and is in love with me still, but is also feeling really sad and withdrawn from realizing how badly he messed up.

So, he and I are headed to therapy as soon as I get back to town for a short visit (next week). Meanwhile, I really want to start off on the right foot with this person he's crazy about who will probably be in our lives for some time to come. That feels hard to do while I'm feeling alternately furious, heartbroken, and tentatively hopeful—sometimes all in one hour. I know she's allergic to drama. I feel like a drama cyclone right now. I don't want to hurt anyone with it.

I am so nervous about this. How can I take the pressure off and let us develop a friendship naturally? How do I separate my budding friendship with her from the fears I have that if we *don't* get along I won't have nearly as much access to my partner anymore? I'm only visiting for a few weeks this time, and she's agreed to sleep somewhere else during that time but we have plans to hang out together intentionally and get to know one another—and all three of us are also trying to go on some dates together.

What are the best things I can do to: 1) have the experiences I want to be having—not just hang around being miserable and trying to wear a smile, 2) be honest about what I feel and want without being high drama, and 3) have the best chance of developing a strong friendship with her?

 

[breathemusic]

Could your partner get a hotel room for the 2 of you to stay at so that you don't have to spend the ENTIRE visit with the meta around and you can make sure that you are able to get lots of 1-on-1 time with your partner?

Also, has he told his other partner that he intends to live with you when you are able to move to the area?

 

[Rochelle]

Hi Breathemusic, thanks for replying!

We should have no problem having enough one-on-one time. My meta will be staying somewhere else during my whole trip, and I could spend the entire trip without seeing her if that's what I wanted.

But I want to get to know her and to spend time with the two of them together. My question is more about how to handle the strong feelings I have in this transition without creating any stressful situations.

 

[breathemusic]

If you feel some strong feelings coming on and don't want to unload on other people, don't feel bad if you need to just step out for a minute, go to the bathroom for a minute, etc to just get some space and take some deep breaths.

It might also help to have a convo with your partner ahead of time and give him a heads up that since this is a big experience for you, you may have some big feels and that unless you explicitly ask him for something, you might need a moment to just process some feels but that you're not asking him to drop everything to try to fix it, or whatever. But that it's just a lot to process.

Of course, you may end up being totally fine the whole trip, but you might not know until it's happening and you're in it. Or if you DO know of some things in advance that he can do to help minimize those feels, don't be afraid to talk to him about that and ask if he's willing to do those things.

If you want to be able to bond with your meta, maybe plan for your first activity together to be a short one. That way you can dip your toe in the water and feel things out and not have some sorta all day thing planned that might leave you feeling like you're stuck in a situation. Then you can ramp up the time and activities if you guys are clicking and getting along!

Most importantly, don't feel like you can't be open and honest without being high drama. Talking and having a discussion doesn't necessarily equal drama, and anyone that thinks so is being dramatic themselves. But I do think that it's not unreasonable to expect that your initial interactions with your meta would ideally be light and pretty chill/friendly since you don't really know each other that well to just be coming at each other with the feels. It doesn't mean you can't have some big feels, just that it may not be right to spill those on each other right out of the gate vs doing that processing on your own time.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hmm, want some feedback? I think your meta and bf made some big mistakes.

He let her stay after he got back from his trip, when she was just supposed to be subletting. She just had a messy split from a former bf and now she's gone right to bf and into his house, all during their NRE.

He lets New Chick move into your shared home while you're out of town, clear across country? I'd be angry if my partner moved someone in while I was away. Heck, my partner (also of 8 years) was away for work most of the summer. I'd never just move some new partner of a few months in while she was away! That would be incredibly rude. Maybe after a good discussion or series of them, and your enthusiastic consent, you could've been given a chance to agree she could stay a bit longer, temporarily. if she was in dire straits and had nowhere else to go after her split. But only while she looked for a new place.

If she is supposedly "allergic to drama," (stupid expression imo) she should have had the manners to not move into your turf while you were away and couldn't discuss it properly! Imo, she brought the drama, with your partner's help.

And since she is staying elsewhere while you're home, she obviously does have somewhere else to stay. I think she can just stay there after you get back, and after you leave, and after you come back permanently.

If she can't stay wherever she is going, she should seek and find a place to live that isn't your tiny home. A 1 bedroom apartment is not viable for an established couple and a newcomer of a few months. It's not even enough room for 3 people in a V, not even if she was his established partner. But I am of the opinion that a V of 3 people needs a 3 bedroom place, at the very least 2 bedrooms. I also believe (from having read here for years and seeing so many disasters) no one should move in together until after a year of dating, when the NRE has faded and people have the rose colored glasses off and can think rationally.

You're being too kind. And too concerned about her "allergy to drama." You didn't bring the drama, she and your partner did.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Upon rereading, I'm becoming curious how everyone defines "partner," as you call him "My partner of 8 years" with whom you have only lived (briefly at that) less than ten months ago.

Other than the "new roommate" situation, is this typical of his previous relationships? Generally, when someone has multiple relationships with "a lot of drama," it's either because they are seeking out drama queens, or because they themselves are drama queens (or at least adept at driving other people nuts).

I can't remember offhand whether it's from this site or another discussion area... but someone has a tagline that essentially says "there's a HUGE difference between letting a cat hop into a box & trying to put a cat into a box."

It sounds to me like there's a LOT of cat-boxing going on in your open relationship. For instance, your word choice:

some of my previous metamours have brought a lot of drama

Really, they aren't your metamours so much as you are stuck withthem because they are his other partners.

My first & strongest piece of advice would be to deal with one crisis at a time, rather than piling them up. In this instance, you should only have to deal with an unexpected roommate OR your partner hooking up with a new steady sexual partner. Expecting you to handle BOTH those issues simultaneously kinda says he sucks at being YOUR partner.

You probably ought to stop rationalizing, stop making excuses, & first deal with the facts.

Her previous relationship might have truly sucked big wet rocks. The breakup might have been various shades of ghastly. However, in NEITHER case is it anyone else's responsibility to bail her out. That would only make sense if (1) she's a naturally parasitic person, &/or (2) your s/o is an habitual White Knight needing to save some weak damsel or other:

a person, usually a male, who goes out of his way to defend a woman even if she is in the wrong. This defense often comes with the expectation that the woman will respond with affection.

And perhaps she actually is a lovely person, maybe even an outright saint... but that is entirely immaterial here.

It is NOT up to YOU to "make nice" & make this work just because the b/f decides to run with it. She is not YOUR partner; the argument could be made that she's not his, either, because NRE tends to keep people from making such simple rational judgments.

You likely cannot "develop a friendship naturally." That metaphoric ship has sailed. Now, you have to deal with what you've got, right this moment. All aspects of "naturally" are weeks past, & what "develops" will be what's left after the crises are faced & fixed... or after you all work on pretending everything's just lovely until the eventual blowup. One quick trip to a therapist (then a day or two to process) is going to make little lasting difference.

 

[GalaGirl]

Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words so I know I got it how you meant it. You correct me if I get anything wrong, ok?

• Partner has a flat. You stay there a while, then leave to the other coast. You both enjoyed living together so plan to share his flat again when you come back.
  
• Partner dates new gal. He needed someone to sublet his flat while he traveled. She was going through a break up, so he let her be the person to sublet. The expectation was for her to move on to her own place one the sublet contract was up and he came back.
  
• Instead, when the contract was up, he let her keep on staying. Now they are living together in his flat.
  
• You feel hurt because the previous plan was for you to move in with him in his flat when you got back. You are mad that he changed the plan on you without telling you.
  
• He still wants everyone to live together in his flat. She's up for it. You are meh -- you don't even know if you get along well enough with her for that, much less in a small one bedroom flat.
• You don't know you all get along well enough to invest together financially in renting a larger space.

Are those the basics? If so, where's the fire? You seem to see clear enough that this is premature:

clearly she and I have no idea how we even get along really, much less if moving in with our partner together would be a good idea. Clearly, there are also a lot of logistical details to work out

You could take it more slowly. You could NOT live with them at this time. You don't have to "prove" anything to either of them by leaping into cohabitation like this "proves" how "non-drama" and "worthy" you are as a poly partner.

You seem to put cart before horse. Worrying about how (you + her) will get along when the first problem is "BF, why you change plans without telling me? Then expect me to just go along with whatever?" If you and him don't get square, getting along with her becomes moot.

I'm open to believing it could work, if handled carefully and with a lot of love and respect and flexibility on all sides.

Ok, but WHEN? Why does it have to work NOW?

You could move back and seek your own one bedroom flat. And then spend a year's lease getting to know her and him and saving up money and deciding if you really want to go in on a lease with three people.

I believe we're all reasonable and caring people, but my partner did break some major trust here.

I suggest you take a "buffer" year and get your own place. Do the therapy you plan to do with him and see how it unfolds. You will be able to see if this was a one time mistake or if he's just going to chronically bungle stuff as a hinge. The decision to all live together doesn't HAVE to be made now.

Because partner just up and changed plans on you without telling you. Could spend that first year back in your flat repairing the broken trust. That way if things go well with repairs and you and her get along? You could chose to move in all three together at a future point in time.

If things go awful with repairs and you and her do not get along? You are not already living together. You do not end up stuck living with people you dislike or worse -- homeless.

You just stay put in your own flat and deal with one load of stress rather than the first load compounded with "where do I live now?" stress.

I am so nervous about this. How can I take the pressure off and let us develop a friendship naturally?

Living in your own flat for the first year takes the pressure off. Then you have safe space to go to when you need a break. You have a year's lease to see how you repair with BF. You have a year's lease to see how the friendship develops with no extra "living together" pressures. You can be ONLY metas. Not metas AND roomies.

How do I separate my budding friendship with her from the fears I have that if we *don't* get along I won't have nearly as much access to my partner anymore?

She doesn't control where he spends his time. He does. If he starts standing you up? You see that is is more sloppy hinge stuff? At that point in time you reassess if you want to keep going with a sloppy hinge or not.

What are the best things I can do to: 1) have the experiences I want to be having—not just hang around being miserable and trying to wear a smile, 2) be honest about what I feel and want without being high drama, and 3) have the best chance of developing a strong friendship with her?

For the visit? Stay in a hotel. So you can get breaks away from both of them if you wear out and start to feel blah.

For the long term?

You could say "This all living together idea is going a bit too fast for me. I prefer to visit for now, and when I move back in winter, to get my own place. We can spend the year's lease getting to know each other and decide more slowly if/when cohabitating is right for this grouping. There's no rush or fire here."

That's pleasant enough, hopeful enough, careful enough, and non-drama.

If she or he get all bent out of shape because you want to approach things calmly rather than RUSH IN and live together NOW and accuse you of being all dramatic/babyish/whatever about it? That's just flipperoo + some bullying. She or he is one bringing drama. You are simply stating your preference. Which you are allowed to have.

And if either one does that kind of behavior in the first year back? Trying to bully or pressure you into living together and it doesn't feel good? You can say "No thank you" and go home and NOT be dealing with the drama/pressure stuff. You don't live there. You don't have to keep dating him. You do not have to decide to move in with people who bully you.

You can go to YOUR OWN HOME and not deal with any of that. Another benefit to taking a "buffer" year and getting your own place the first year back.

It's on you to make your own stability. So I would suggest you not rush into cohabitation with a partner who recently dinged trust and his unknown other GF.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Rochelle,

I know you were looking forward to living with your partner, it probably makes your heart sink to think of giving that up. But I think that ship has sailed, your partner torpedoed it when he let his new girlfriend stay. Now you at least need to live in your own place for awhile, GalaGirl suggested a year and that sounds about right. Enough time to find out if you and your metamour can get along well enough to live together. Enough time to find out if you and your partner are still compatible. And enough time to figure out if the three of you need to get a two-bedroom place.

In the meantime, you could plan fun things to do with your metamour. Stuff just the two of you do together. Anything from a day of shopping, to eating out together, to relaxing on a couch watching a movie together. The key thing here is to keep it fun and light.

But I wouldn't do a lot of metamour things during your two-week visit, I would save most of that for doing stuff with your partner. For discussing your plans with him. For trying to repair some of the broken trust. Although most of that will have to happen in the winter after you move back.

Make plans to see a therapist long-term ... at least for a year, while you live in your own place.

Good luck, I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.