Betrayal or not enough boundaries covered?

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AddyWants

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Hello everyone.
I am quite new here. I’m looking for some help, advice or support from people who understand my circumstances. It’s hard to talk to people about polyamory and ENM without being judged!
I have been polyamorous for a year now with my current partner, it has been amazing. Not without struggles obviously, but overall so rewarding and I’ve fell into such an intense relationship.
My partner who I will call M, is a male that I’ve been with for a year. We have both dated throughout the full relationship and I also have another partner C who is a woman. Everything up until this point has been great. M and I have also enjoyed some group activity together and this only brought us close together.
Yesterday I had a friend come over to visit from down south, I hadn’t seen her for a few years. I thought she was pretty straight and never thought of her in this way, but after meeting me and M she was verrrry intrigued. She made a few jokes about a threesome and by the end of the night she asked us if we would be interested. One thing lead to another and we had a threesome. It was enjoyable, I’ll admit though, alcohol tarred my judgement and I don’t think I would have done this sober. However, we’re all adults, it was fun. I didn’t feel weird about it but more just like, oh cool that happened.
In the morning I woke up HUNGOVER. In my double bed with the two of them. I was too warm, couldn’t stay in that room. So I left and went to the livingroom where I slept for another 3/4 hours.
I’ve since found out that after I left, M and L ended up having sex. Without me present obviously.
Me and M have had quite a few threesomes. This has never happened, it’s never been brought up, it’s not a boundary. But I feel so betrayed.
During the threesome I would say multiple things like “don’t stop because I’m leaving!” or “just you two do your thing, I love to watch.”. But this feels different.
M has said it was a stupid decision, but it wasn’t a boundary and now he knows. He is still so apologetic that it happened at all, but I just don’t know if I can forgive him.
I’m struggling because we are SO open. We have created a relationship that allows us to do what we want when we want. I want him to not only sleep with other people but build meaningful relationships! This wasn’t a boundary for us, but I still feel like I’ve been betrayed/cheated on.
I’m cool with him dating people and having sex with them, I’m cool with us doing group activities together. But when I bring my friend into the threesome, it feels like a group activity. When I’m lying unwell in the next room and you’re fucking her without me, that feels so wrong.
Am I being ridiculous?
Can anyone offer some advice please? I would love to hear some opinions from likeminded people and not just someone who is going to say I shouldn’t be doing this stuff anyway.

Thanks in advance x
 
Am I being ridiculous?

I don't think being jealous in a situation like this is "ridiculous", but I definitely wouldn't call it "rational". You guys didn't have any kind of rules about it, and the rules you do have set up suggest that it shouldn't be a problem.

While I'm sure there is context I don't have, what you have described sounds like you guys just both accidentally bumped into something that you need to discuss for the future.

M has said it was a stupid decision, but it wasn’t a boundary and now he knows. He is still so apologetic that it happened at all, but I just don’t know if I can forgive him.

I'll be honest with you, I am a little confused about what he is apologizing for. What trust did he break?

If you have discovered that you need to set up some really specific rule, you need to discuss this new boundary with your partner and be VERY clear on what exactly it covers. Kicking his ass over not having known this might be an issue prior to it happening is wildly unfair.

So I suggest you tell him that he has nothing to apologize for because he did absolutely nothing wrong, and then discuss what specific changes you want to make to your house rules going forward.
 
I don't think being jealous in a situation like this is "ridiculous", but I definitely wouldn't call it "rational". You guys didn't have any kind of rules about it, and the rules you do have set up suggest that it shouldn't be a problem.

While I'm sure there is context I don't have, what you have described sounds like you guys just both accidentally bumped into something that you need to discuss for the future.



I'll be honest with you, I am a little confused about what he is apologizing for. What trust did he break?

If you have discovered that you need to set up some really specific rule, you need to discuss this new boundary with your partner and be VERY clear on what exactly it covers. Kicking his ass over not having known this might be an issue prior to it happening is wildly unfair.

So I suggest you tell him that he has nothing to apologize for because he did absolutely nothing wrong, and then discuss what specific changes you want to make to your house rules going forward.
Truthfully this is the type of response I was looking for. I don’t want to be upset about this. Unfortunately I am.

I think the main issue for me is that when we do group things it usually very equal. I don’t always have to be physically involved, sometimes I enjoy watching. But I’m involved in some way. Him having sex with my friend next door when I’m sick feels wrong to me. It might sound self absorbed? It’s obviously a boundary that needs to be created now.

None of my friends practice ENM or polyamory, and when I’m looking for support they are all telling me it’s on par with cheating and I should leave, which I don’t want to hear.

We never set the boundary, and I know how important that is.

I maybe haven’t given enough context to explain fully why I’m so uncomfortable with the situation. But in an attempt to do it quickly, I’ll say; we all got home and M and L were suggesting the threesome. I was uncomfortable at first. I don’t feel like my reservations were fully listened to or understood. And I feel that every reservation I had, he had an answer to. I’m a big girl and I made the decision in the end to go through with it. But I just feel like I was the least interested person. It didn’t feel equal. I think I shouldn’t have said yes. And to come out of a threesome feeling that way, only to hear my partner was fucking my friend alone after I woke up and left the room makes me feel awful.
I spoke to her today and she told me she also felt uncomfortable, didn’t feel like it was right. But he was so confident that she thought it must have already been discussed between us, otherwise why would he do it.

I really want to overcome it and thanks for your honesty it’s really appreciated :)
 
A journey I think you might want to go down is to introspect about exactly why this experience is a big problem when you guys are fully open otherwise.

  • Is it that it is your friend? Has he never hooked up with someone you were friends with?
  • Is it that it happened in your bed? Do you guys usually not have that kind of play at your home?

One thing about setting healthy boundaries is that you want to understand why you are setting them. Setting up boundaries based on feeling icky is risky business, because how can we effectively design our lives when we don't even know what it is that we are trying to eliminate?
 
Hello AddyWants,

It sounds like you need to make a rule (boundary) that says that no one-on-one sex will occur after a threesome unless the person leaving says it's okay. Or at least, no one-on-one sex with a friend of the person leaving. I don't think M (and L) knew this, he acted out of ignorance and now that he knows you're upset about it, he feels remorse. Without having a rule/boundary ahead of time that covered this situation, I really don't think M should be blamed. I do think you should be crystal clear with M about what would and wouldn't be okay in the future. If you leave things vague, something like this is likely to happen again. M is not a mind reader. I doubt that he meant to betray you.

To the extent that forgiveness is an emotion, I know you can't just will yourself to forgive, but I would urge you to try anyway. If you absolutely can't forgive, what will become of the relationship? Either you'll have permanent resentment toward M, which won't make either of you happy, and M will be in a permanent state of guilt ... or the two of you will end up breaking up. Maybe all of the above. The thing is, if M's actions are a deal breaker for you, then it would be better if you broke up immediately. Rather than have this sore spot fester for years on end. But only you can look inside yourself and decide how serious this matter is for you. Like I said, I would hope you could focus on prevention in the future, and let bygones be bygones. But you may not be able to do that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I’m a big girl and I made the decision in the end to go through with it.

This is an important thing to embrace.

It sounds like at least part of what has you so on edge about this is that you let yourself get roped into something that you didn't want to do. This is an error in judgment that is fantastic at breeding resentment.

All of us need to be better at standing up for ourselves and embracing the beauty of the word "no". When we cave to someone else's will when we really didn't want to, we cause stress for them and ourselves. This situation is a perfect example of that process, because once you allowed this to happen there was a burst of guilt/blame that has made everyone involved less happy.

I think it's wonderful that you are challenging yourself to go down this path of honest discovery. I hope that you continue to investigate and can find yourself in a more secure place, with clearly defined boundaries and the trust needed to say "nope, I don't want that, thank you though".
 
Sorry, I posted before I realized there were two more previous posts. It sounds like M did know you wouldn't be okay with his one-on-one escapade with L, or at least he knew that you weren't very on board with the threesome idea, which should have suggested to him that things were already imbalanced and would become more imbalanced if he had sex with L one-on-one, especially if you weren't present because you weren't feeling well.

I am going to guess that he was all caught up in the idea of a threesome, and then one-on-one sex, with L, and consequently he didn't put all the pieces together, and just assumed it would be okay. Afterwards, when he found that you were upset about it, he looked back and put the pieces together in retrospect. He did express remorse, and you do still need to decide whether you can forgive him.
 
This is an important thing to embrace.

It sounds like at least part of what has you so on edge about this is that you let yourself get roped into something that you didn't want to do. This is an error in judgment that is fantastic at breeding resentment.

All of us need to be better at standing up for ourselves and embracing the beauty of the word "no". When we cave to someone else's will when we really didn't want to, we cause stress for them and ourselves. This situation is a perfect example of that process, because once you allowed this to happen there was a burst of guilt/blame that has made everyone involved less happy.

I think it's wonderful that you are challenging yourself to go down this path of honest discovery. I hope that you continue to investigate and can find yourself in a more secure place, with clearly defined boundaries and the trust needed to say "nope, I don't want that, thank you though".

To answer your previous question we don’t live together. But it was in my bed yes. I’m currently sitting on my couch with a beer dreading visiting it again. Dramatic lol :).

Thank you so much. This past year has been so amazing and I can’t wait to learn more about myself. I feel so good hearing likeminded people tell me he isn’t the devil so thanks a lot. I made this post feeling like I had to break up with someone I loved, and now I feel like I can work through it. You’re right, I need to learn to say no, however I’m glad this has came up. I can’t work out if I would be cool with it had it been a threesome I was completely into, but if not I still need to figure out why and at least now it’s a conversation.

Damn I’m so glad I googled polyamory threads before I sabotaged the most meaningful relationship I’ve ever experienced.

big love x
 
Sorry, I posted before I realized there were two more previous posts. It sounds like M did know you wouldn't be okay with his one-on-one escapade with L, or at least he knew that you weren't very on board with the threesome idea, which should have suggested to him that things were already imbalanced and would become more imbalanced if he had sex with L one-on-one, especially if you weren't present because you weren't feeling well.

I am going to guess that he was all caught up in the idea of a threesome, and then one-on-one sex, with L, and consequently he didn't put all the pieces together, and just assumed it would be okay. Afterwards, when he found that you were upset about it, he looked back and put the pieces together in retrospect. He did express remorse, and you do still need to decide whether you can forgive him.
Hey! Thanks for your reply.
Yes I completely agree. I think because Ive felt hurt I am putting all of his behaviour under a microscope and overall I just wanted more from him. I wish he was turned off by my reservations (as I would be with him). for me, if my partner doesn’t seem invested or that into it, then neither am I. I know he can’t read my mind but, it does feel like he was thinking with that body part I know and love so much.
You are right when you say I need to figure out how bothered I actually am, and take it from there. However an hour ago I thought I might leave him, now I think we could work through it depending on how our chat goes tomorrow. Thanks poly community 🤍. Even if I set the boundary, I would like to understand why I feel this way before diving in.
 
It does sound like you can probably work things out now. That's good to hear.
 
As a swinger unless spoken about previously I would say you leaving them in the bed together, combined with your words before are in some ways an endorsement or green light for them both.

I don't think your partner should be made to feel guilty in this instance. You perhaps should have woken him/them both to say 'come and get me if you spark things up in the am' or words to that effect. It was naive to not think your move through a little more.

Put this down to living and learning, assessing and articulating your boundaries so if there is a next time it flows a little more naturally.

It's all well and good to have sexual encounters for the sake of experiencing something or giving someone-else an experience they want and you enjoy the giving - but it's important too not to go through the motions if it's not something you're really feeling, and it reads like your inhibitions got loosened and sober this was not really an experience you had fully signed up for.
 
As a swinger unless spoken about previously I would say you leaving them in the bed together, combined with your words before are in some ways an endorsement or green light for them both.

I don't think your partner should be made to feel guilty in this instance. You perhaps should have woken him/them both to say 'come and get me if you spark things up in the am' or words to that effect. It was naive to not think your move through a little more.

Put this down to living and learning, assessing and articulating your boundaries so if there is a next time it flows a little more naturally.

It's all well and good to have sexual encounters for the sake of experiencing something or giving someone-else an experience they want and you enjoy the giving - but it's important too not to go through the motions if it's not something you're really feeling, and it reads like your inhibitions got loosened and sober this was not really an experience you had fully signed up for.
Yeah I agree completely. The more I think about it and assess my feelings I think it’s brought up more general things that we need to discuss now anyway. I certainly won’t go hard on him or make him feel awful about this though. I will see him tonight so fingers crossed it goes well. Thanks for your reply.
 
This discussion has covered a lot of ground well. I would just add that it sounds like all of you were very drunk when this threesome, and the ensuing twosome happened. Maybe none of you gave true consent. You excuse yourself by saying you were drunk, but if your bf and friend were drunk too, don't they have the same excuse?

And now you're drinking a beer and getting upset. I am not going to judge you for having beers! I love a drink or two. But is this a problem for you or bf at all?

Oddly, when I was 19,I had an all night threesome with my best platonic gf and her bf. We got a couple hours sleep at the end finally. Then my bff needed to get up and go to work. I instigated sex with the guy when he and I woke up, thinking, we'd been banging all night, what was the difference? He was into it, but partway through he said not to tell his gf,as she wouldn't like it. I thought that was hypocritical at the time.
 
This discussion has covered a lot of ground well. I would just add that it sounds like all of you were very drunk when this threesome, and the ensuing twosome happened. Maybe none of you gave true consent. You excuse yourself by saying you were drunk, but if your bf and friend were drunk too, don't they have the same excuse?

I don't think being drunk is ever a good excuse... If being drunk enables someone to engage in coercive behavior (as the bf did), than he is just as guilty for drinking as he is for the act itself...

Similarly If OP knows that drinking enables behaviors like ignoring personal boundaries, and compromising desires/values ect.. Drinking isn't a worthy excuse for this violation to yourself...

Being drunk is never a worthy excuse in a court of law, when someone runs a car off the road, or worse. It sort of bothers me that it is used as an excuse so often for personal injustices...
 
Last edited:
Hello everyone.
I am quite new here. I’m looking for some help, advice or support from people who understand my circumstances. It’s hard to talk to people about polyamory and ENM without being judged!
I have been polyamorous for a year now with my current partner, it has been amazing. Not without struggles obviously, but overall so rewarding and I’ve fell into such an intense relationship.
My partner who I will call M, is a male that I’ve been with for a year. We have both dated throughout the full relationship and I also have another partner C who is a woman. Everything up until this point has been great. M and I have also enjoyed some group activity together and this only brought us close together.
Yesterday I had a friend come over to visit from down south, I hadn’t seen her for a few years. I thought she was pretty straight and never thought of her in this way, but after meeting me and M she was verrrry intrigued. She made a few jokes about a threesome and by the end of the night she asked us if we would be interested. One thing lead to another and we had a threesome. It was enjoyable, I’ll admit though, alcohol tarred my judgement and I don’t think I would have done this sober. However, we’re all adults, it was fun. I didn’t feel weird about it but more just like, oh cool that happened.
In the morning I woke up HUNGOVER. In my double bed with the two of them. I was too warm, couldn’t stay in that room. So I left and went to the livingroom where I slept for another 3/4 hours.
I’ve since found out that after I left, M and L ended up having sex. Without me present obviously.
Me and M have had quite a few threesomes. This has never happened, it’s never been brought up, it’s not a boundary. But I feel so betrayed.
During the threesome I would say multiple things like “don’t stop because I’m leaving!” or “just you two do your thing, I love to watch.”. But this feels different.
M has said it was a stupid decision, but it wasn’t a boundary and now he knows. He is still so apologetic that it happened at all, but I just don’t know if I can forgive him.
I’m struggling because we are SO open. We have created a relationship that allows us to do what we want when we want. I want him to not only sleep with other people but build meaningful relationships! This wasn’t a boundary for us, but I still feel like I’ve been betrayed/cheated on.
I’m cool with him dating people and having sex with them, I’m cool with us doing group activities together. But when I bring my friend into the threesome, it feels like a group activity. When I’m lying unwell in the next room and you’re fucking her without me, that feels so wrong.
Am I being ridiculous?
Can anyone offer some advice please? I would love to hear some opinions from likeminded people and not just someone who is going to say I shouldn’t be doing this stuff anyway.

Thanks in advance x
As an update. We have actually decided to break up. He agreed the behaviour was coercive, unacceptable and thinks he needs time alone. He’s questioning his feelings for me and that would make sense, it’s probably why I felt so betrayed in some way. I’m shocked but also think it’s for the best. Something wasn’t sitting right and I think this was it. Personally, I have been trying to delete this thread because now that it’s over, every notification is a reminder. Can someone help me? I feel like every message is trying to save my relationship and I’m now not in it :(
 
It sounds like while it was a surprise, breaking up may be for the best. I hope in time you find healing.

You can go to the top of the thread and look in the upper right. There are two buttons. One says "Jump to new" and the other says "watch/unwatch" depending on what you have it on. Click on that one if you want to "unwatch" so you don't get alerts for it any more.

Galagirl
 
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