Bi woman in V relationship and need advice

L

loverxwendy

New member
I am a bi woman in a monogamous relationship with my bf, Joe. We've been on and off for 5 years, mainly because we argue a lot about our poly/mono relationship and him wanting me to join with his wife. Joe has been with his wife Cassie for 10 years and been in poly relationships for 12.

I love him. Cassie's and my relationship has suffered due to Joe's and my on again/off again relationship. We remain cordial, but no longer have a sexual relationship. Despite everything, I always want the best for them and I love them together and don't want to get in between them.

Lately, I've been feeling that I want more with him (staying overnight, dates, any commitment to the next level or future talks), but he prefers not talking about where we're trying to go, due to his past relationships with others getting in between him and Cassie. Or, he probably doesn't see me in his future. Idk. Every time I try talking to him he brushes me off and gets upset. I don't know what to do, and I also don't want overstep my boundaries with Cassie, but sometimes I feel like my needs are constantly being overlooked.

I am looking for advice here as my friends don't get this relationship.
 
It sounds like he doesn't want to escalate the relationship with you at all. I think you're at the point where you realize that their type of hierarchy and what sounds rather like unicorn hunting, is simply not compatible with your relationship wants. It might be time to call it off for good, love or not, because he's showing you time and again that this is not up for discussion and you basically have to "put up or shut up" with the crumbs you're getting now.

(sorry, tough love is tough, but I mean it kindly, okay? :) )
 
So you used to have a triad, where everyone was involved with everyone else sexually. You were maybe mono-amorous (just loved Joe), but polysexual (had sex with Cassie as well as Joe). But in more recent times, you only want to date/have sex with Joe. You are willing to be ordinary platonic friends with Cassie.

Joe, however, is pressuring you to keep having threeway sex. He is also not willing to ride higher on the relationship escalator with you. He doesn't even want to take you out on dates or spend the night? He just wants you to have sex with him? Maybe he's not "out" as polysexual and doesn't want anyone to see him out in public with you. You're the "dirty little secret"?

If you're a monogamous woman, it sounds like you need a mono boyfriend who wants what you want on the relationship escalator. Respect yourself. You deserve to get what you want. It's not selfish to want what you want and go get it.
 
Hello loverxwendy,

There is nothing wrong with polyamory, but I get the impression that your boyfriend is not a great match for you. Sure you love him, but you can love someone without actually being involved with them. You know he does not want to discuss more with you, he does not want to stay overnight with you, he does not want to date you, he probably doesn't even see you in his future. You have had many arguments with him over him wanting you to join with his wife, and you don't want to do that at this time. I take it you have broken up with him a number of times, and I even get the impression that he is getting ready to break up with you. This does not seem fair to you. I don't suppose you want me to tell you to break up with him, but I think that that is my advice. Break up, and this time stay broken up. You can still love him from afar, and maybe even be his friend.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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