Boundaries question, third wheel worries

[elric24]

I have a situation, and I need guidance, advice, multiple perspectives, anything please. I am ready to hear some cold hard truths if needed. Please don't sugar coat anything.

I have a partner, we have been together for almost nine months. I have a wierd house situation with my ex wife and 3 kids i live with. Mostly coparenting, i am NOT with my ex wife in any way, and my partner understands my situation.

My partner had their relationship with another partner grow, and they decided to get a 2 bedroom apartment and live together.

So,

During the month before this, things were pretty hard, bc my partners other partner was mostly staying with them bc their temporary housing went to shit. I literally had to request this person be homeless for the alone time, or qt that I wanted with them. That was a big old conflict with me feeling wierd, bad, too assertive and just like a dick sometimes.

Hiccup thingy one happened last night.

So, my partners other partner went to sleep, did the goodnight kisses and stuff (they are cute too I smooch them all the time 😀), and I went to bed with the pivot, my partner the one we both are dating.

I woke up after a hour of sleep, and it sounded like they were crying to me in the hallway, so I opened the door to find my partner kissing the other in the hallway.

So, context before I go on. They were looking for something in the hallway and the other was looking for something too. Just moved in, pet bunny is being a little rowdy and they happened to meet in the hallway. With my god level shitty timing, I opened the door at the most awkward time possible.

So, just opening the door to see that without context, i was like, ok fuck I guess i not wanted here and started getting dressed. They told me they legit just ran into them in the hallway and they still wanted me to stay.

Now here is my problem. Trying to identify boundaries. I feel innately, since I am the outsider coming into THIER home now, a bit awkward. Before, there was pretty good respect of each others time. Now, my partner doesn't think it's a big deal. That hurts me in a few ways. I feel like with this new situation, I have given up all my boundaries and chance of complete alone time but I still have to respect theirs? Basically, two conditions exist and I am stuck:

The other partner should not feel like they have to tiptoe or be careful in their new home. This is true and I fully support it.

ALSO, I feel like this is now more one sided, I have submitted any respect for my boundaries and I don't think that is fair to me at all at the same time.

Can a middle ground be found, respected and understood with these conflicting truths?

Thoughts?

 

[Magdlyn]

Let me get this straight. You have a partner, let's call them Ren, who just moved into an apartment with their OSO, Fair. So soon after they moved in, you came to spend the night with Ren, with Fair's blessing. In the middle of the night, they were both out in the hallway looking for their rowdy bunny. They were upset or felt romantic or horny and kissed. You heard what sounded like Ren calling to you, crying. You peeped out and saw them kissing.

That doesn't sound like a big deal. A quick explanation and everyone goes back to bed. Yet, you're feeling awkward and thinking you have to get dressed and leave in the middle of the night because you witnessed a kiss? (Keeping in mind you also "smooch" your metamour!)

Obviously this new living situation has got you all riled up because Fair lost their previous quarters and moved in with Ren in kind of an emergency situation. I think that couple could talk about how they want to plan for "guests" (you) coming for an overnight, and be clear enough about how they are making space for you that you feel quite welcome.

My partner and I have lived together for 8 years, and sometimes I have had guests/OSOs. We have 2 floors (main flr and finished basement) so there is plenty of room for everyone. My nesting partner and I talk it over specifically every time I plan to have a guest for the day/evening/night. Then I share that info with my OSO before they come over so they know who will be where then. This does not always work out perfectly, and I won't lie and say there is never some awkwardness. If there is, we all apologize and try to do better next time.

 

[Magdlyn]

thanks so much! would you say they are pretty much a primary? I think I am hurting bc I used to be sorta, and the paradigm shifted

My nesting partner is my primary in that we share finances and whatnot. But her OSO is her co-primary. They also have financial arrangements and other collaborations. I am getting very close with my bf of 7 months. It would be fine if we also became enmeshed to the point of feeling like primaries. My nesting partner and I are not interested in hierarchical polyamory.

 

[elric24]

Let me get this straight. You have a partner, let's call them Ren, who just moved into an apartment with their OSO, Fair. So soon after they moved in, you came to spend the night with Ren, with Fair's blessing. In the middle of the night, they were both out in the hallway looking for their rowdy bunny. They were upset or felt romantic or horny and kissed. You heard what sounded like Ren calling to you, crying. You peeped out and saw them kissing.

That doesn't sound like a big deal. A quick explanation and everyone goes back to bed. Yet, you're feeling awkward and thinking you have to get dressed and leave in the middle of the night because you witnessed a kiss? (Keeping in mind you also "smooch" your metamour!)

Obviously this new living situation has got you all riled up because Fair lost their previous quarters and moved in with Ren in kind of an emergency situation. I think that couple could talk about how they want to plan for "guests" (you) coming for an overnight, and be clear enough about how they are making space for you that you feel quite welcome.

My partner and I have lived together for 8 years, and sometimes I have had guests/OSOs. We have 2 floors (main flr and finished basement) so there is plenty of room for everyone. My nesting partner and I talk it over specifically every time I plan to have a guest for the day/evening/night. Then I share that info with my OSO before they come over so they know who will be where then. This does not always work out perfectly, and I won't lie and say there is never some awkwardness. If there is, we all apologize and try to do better next time.

Hi!! Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I am riled up, definitely and need to chill the hell out. Thank you again!

 

[elric24]

My nesting partner is my primary in that we share finances and whatnot. But her OSO is her co-primary. They also have financial arrangements and other collaborations. I am getting very close with my bf of 7 months. It would be fine if we also became enmeshed to the point of feeling like primaries. My nesting partner and I are not interested in hierarchical polyamory.

Yeah!! Luckily my partner is not interested in heirarchical either, but sometimes, it feels like some things kinda put us in that paradigm if that makes sense?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

It sounds like before it felt like it was on equal footing.

The old place was Ren's home. You and Fair were visiting guests. And you really didn't have to deal with witnessing much Ren+ Fair public displays of affection.

Even when Fair's temp housing got messed up and they stayed with Ren, they were still like "long term guest." And yes, you and/or Ren had to ask them to be out when you and Ren were planning some alone time at Ren's place. But you got to have that ALONE alone time.

Now that the both are on the lease of the 2 bedroom flat? Fair is the nesting partner to Ren and you are not. So it doesn't feel "equal" any more. And it's not easy to have ALONE alone time at your place with your ex and kids. Or Ren's place any more because Fair could be home in their bedroom. Giving you space, but it's not ALONE alone in the flat.

And you are not used to just walking in on heavy PDA.

On the one hand, it's their home. Ren and Fair can do what they want.

On the other hand, it is an adjustment for you. Maybe you want to ask Ren and Fair to limit the passionate make outs to Fair's bedroom or the closed bathroom when you are sleeping over.

And not like making out in random common areas like the hallway, kitchen, LR, etc. And you do same when you sleepover. You don't do heavy make outs with Ren in the common areas.

Because seeing a quick kiss good night is one thing. And littles cries, moanings, and groanings are another.

As for the primary thing... is that the model you all practice here? Or are you assuming some things and cranking your own self up?

If you need to be reassured that you still hold a valued place in Ren's life? Ask for the reassurance you need.

Do you see a time in the future where you move out of the family home? Still coparent and all that, but maintain a nearby flat instead? Then Ren could split their time between (Ren+you) flat and (Ren + Fair) flat. And you'd get back some of the ALONE alone time.

Galagirl

 

[elric24]

I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

It sounds like before it felt like it was on equal footing.

The old place was Ren's home. You and Fair were visiting guests. And you really didn't have to deal with witnessing much Ren+ Fair public displays of affection.

Even when Fair's temp housing got messed up and they stayed with Ren, they were still like "long term guest." And yes, you and/or Ren had to ask them to be out when you and Ren were planning some alone time at Ren's place. But you got to have that ALONE alone time.

Now that the both are on the lease of the 2 bedroom flat? Fair is the nesting partner to Ren and you are not. So it doesn't feel "equal" any more. And it's not easy to have ALONE alone time at your place with your ex and kids. Or Ren's place any more because Fair could be home in their bedroom. Giving you space, but it's not ALONE alone in the flat.

And you are not used to just walking in on heavy PDA.

On the one hand, it's their home. Ren and Fair can do what they want.

On the other hand, it is an adjustment for you. Maybe you want to ask Ren and Fair to limit the passionate make outs to another bedroom or the closed bathroom when you are sleeping over and not like make out in random common areas like the hallway, kitchen, LR, etc. And you do same when you sleepover. You don't do heavy make outs with Ren in the common areas. Because seeing a quick kiss good night is one thing and littles cries, moanings and groanings are another.

As for the primary thing... is that the model you all practice here? Or are you assuming some things and cranking your own self up?

If you need to be reassured that you still hold a valued place in Ren's life? Ask for the reassurance you need.

Do you see a time in the future where you move out of the family home? Still coparent and all that, but maintain a nearby flat instead? Then Ren could split their time between (Ren+you) flat and (Ren + Fair) flat. and you'd get back some of the ALONE alone time.

Galagirl

thank you so much for your comment!! I do see my own place, if I am lucky in the near future, and I think you are right. It is an adjustment for me, and it is hard for sure. I am not taken back by the pda between them tho, it's actually pretty cute to me a lot of the time. So that element of jealousy is not there at all. I think I am searching for my own ALONE alone time in this situation. We need to have a discussion about that when my partner is not stressed to hell lol.

 

[elric24]

thank you so much for your comment!! I do see my own place, if I am lucky in the near future, and I think you are right. It is an adjustment for me, and it is hard for sure. I am not taken back by the pda between them tho, it's actually pretty cute to me a lot of the time. So that element of jealousy is not there at all. I think I am searching for my own ALONE alone time in this situation. We need to have a discussion about that when my partner is not stressed to hell lol.

also, yeah we don't do the heirarchical polyamory

My nesting partner is my primary in that we share finances and whatnot. But her OSO is her co-primary. They also have financial arrangements and other collaborations. I am getting very close with my bf of 7 months. It would be fine if we also became enmeshed to the point of feeling like primaries. My nesting partner and I are not interested in hierarchical polyamory.

yeah, I am new to this so it took me a while to think outside of the mindset of heirarchical poly. I finally got it tho!

 

[kdt26417]

Hello elric24,

You could still ask your metamour to vacate their house when you are over there and want some alone time with your partner, but I can't see asking them to stay away throughout the night so you can sleep there. The thing about running into them while they are kissing in the hallway is something that is going to happen, unless everyone agrees to confine the heavy stuff to the two bedrooms, and it seems to me that that rule/boundary/agreement is unlikely to work. I think you're going to have to adjust to the prospect of seeing them kiss sometimes, and organize in your mind how you should interpret that kiss and how you should respond to it. Remember that communication is important -- and we all know what it makes of "u" and me when we assume. Be wary as hell about assuming that you're not wanted, in any situation.

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[elric24]

Thanks so much!!

Hello elric24,

You could still ask your metamour to vacate their house when you are over there and want some alone time with your partner, but I can't see asking them to stay away throughout the night so you can sleep there. The thing about running into them while they are kissing in the hallway is something that is going to happen, unless everyone agrees to confine the heavy stuff to the two bedrooms, and it seems to me that that rule/boundary/agreement is unlikely to work. I think you're going to have to adjust to the prospect of seeing them kiss sometimes, and organize in your mind how you should interpret that kiss and how you should respond to it. Remember that communication is important -- and we all know what it makes of "u" and me when we assume. Be wary as hell about assuming that you're not wanted, in any situation.

Such are my thoughts,
Kevin T.

Thank you for your reply!! I don't think I would ever ask someone to leave their home, I can be overly considerate to a fault sometimes, so it is likely that I would do more of the opposite and just distance myself and wait for my partner to actually seek me out lol. And, I really have no problem with any pda, we have been doing this a while. The only new thing is the living situation. Your last words, about assuming I am not wanted, I have a problem with that, definitely guilty of doing that before. But in my defense, the person I am deeply in love with can get caught up in their lives, to no fault I hold them, it's just a lot can happen in our relationship that can easily be misinterpreted as me not being wanted. That is for me to work on all the time, not assuming, probably my biggest problem in our whole dynamic. Thanks again for your advice!!

 

[kdt26417]

Glad if I could help.