Boundaries slash am I just being jealous or does my triad have something to discuss

[IndieSolo]

You wrote:

The relationship between them started a bit before I knew they were interested in me as well, but just a few days.

and:

. . . he started seeing Cee (which happened without even really talking to me about it).

So Bob is your long-term partner who started this thing with Cee, and they were already hooking up before you knew about it? Then they both expressed interest in having you join them in bed? Or did you ask Bob to include you in his thing with Cee? You said that happened "recently," so how new is it?

It seems that you became infatuated with Cee and expected all feelings and sexual encounters to be equal among you three. You say that you've been "crushing on Cee for a long time." Did you know and desire Cee before Bob started fucking her? You also said that you feel "unrequited love" for Cee—but are you sure about that? Is it really love or is it sexual desire, or is it really more about wanting to have what Bob has?

I gotta say, I don't see much love and caring in the interactions you've described. What kind of agreements or understandings do you and Bob have regarding other relationships?

Your angst seems to center around the sex they have, wanting Cee to want you, and feeling left out. But I wondered why you think they shouldn't want to have sex while you're not in the room. It does seem like they both feel the need to hide what they're doing, so perhaps you are coming on a bit strong with your expectations and suspicions around them. But it doesn't sound like Bob has been very respectful of you either. This sounds all kinds of messed up to me.

I would say that if you want to stay with Bob, then you should each keep your relationships with other people separate and have physical intimacy with those people outside the home you share. And also to really dig down deep to be able to discern love from lust, and whether it's poly you really want or something more sex-focused. That's just my two cents, I hope it's helpful.

 

[Tinwen]

What? I'm honestly surprised (and at the same time not surprised, since we also unexpectedly fought about a new person) that you've been poly for quite some time and still have this much trouble with jealousy, communicating honestly and setting boundaries.

First, to be blunt, if they are in a relationship, what's wrong about them having sexy time when you leave? They should not have to hide that. If you don't want that to be done in the house, yes, that's something to talk about. But you sound like you're mad they are doing it at all, rather than just the dishonesty part, like you're not ok with them having an adult relationship? Are you not okay with him seeing someone new at all? Because the way you seem hurt by what they do... I'd think this is your first poly experience whatsoever.

Second, OMG the dishonesty and lack of communication on their part. Ugh.

Third, OK, he's in NRE, and you're experiencing all the ways this can go wrong. You have to both make effort to have a quality relationship now. He should definitely be more considerate about your comfort levels (and, as it seems, date outside the house), and also put in effort, like taking you to dates as well. But at the same time you will have to accept that his thoughts are with the new and shiny a lot of the time. That's the very nature of NRE.

Starting something without discussing with you was perhaps a big mistake, since you've only had a stable "V" before, not much dating around.

Poly is not for the weak and avoidant, and highlights all the cracks in the preexisting relationship.

 

[dunkdonutprincess]

What? I'm honestly surprised (and at the same time not surprised, since we also unexpectedly fought about a new person) that you've been poly for quite some time and still have this much trouble with jealousy, communicating honestly and setting boundaries.

First, to be blunt, if they are in a relationship, what's wrong about them having sexy time when you leave? They should not have to hide that. If you don't want that to be done in the house, yes, that's something to talk about. But you sound like you're mad they are doing it at all, rather than just the dishonesty part, like you're not ok with them having an adult relationship. Are you not okay with him seeing someone new at all? Because the way you seem hurt by what they do... I'd think this is your first poly experience whatsoever.

Second, OMG the dishonesty and lack of communication on their part. Ugh.

Third, OK, he's in NRE and you're experiencing all the ways this can go wrong. You have to both make effort to have a quality relationship now. He should definitely be more considerate about your comfort levels (and, as it seems, date outside the house), and also put in effort, like taking you to dates, as well. But at the same time, you will have to accept that his thoughts are with the new and shiny a lot of the time. That's the very nature of NRE.
Starting something without discussing with you was perhaps a big mistake, since you've only had a stable "V" before, not much dating around.

Poly is not for the weak and avoidant, and highlights all the cracks in the preexisting relationship.

Ok wow, well there I have it I guess.

I'm not cut out for poly. I guess I just needed to get things out in the open to figure that out for myself.

I'm a little confused, were they being dishonest and not communicating or am I just jealous of the sex and bad at boundaries?

I maybe wasn't clear enough that I was hurt by the fact that Bob and I had just, as in hours before, talked about how being not desired by Cee hurt my feelings and they seem to not want me around so they can do what they actually want to do. Then when I leave to get coffee literal blocks away, and after waiting almost 20 minutes for either of them to respond to me, they fool around again and then lie directly to me about it.

But thank you for putting it plainly for me, that actually kind of makes it easier.

 

[dunkdonutprincess]

So Bob is your long-term partner who started this thing with Cee, and they were already hooking up before you knew about it? Then they both expressed interest in having you join them in bed? Or did you ask Bob to include you in his thing with Cee? You said that happened "recently," so how new is it?

It seems that you became infatuated with Cee and expected all feelings and sexual encounters to be equal among you three. You say that you've been "crushing on Cee for a long time." Did you know and desire Cee before Bob started fucking her? You also said that you feel "unrequited love" for Cee—but are you sure about that? Is it really love or is it sexual desire, or wanting to have what Bob has? I gotta say, I don't see much love and caring in the interactions you've described. What kind of agreements or understandings do you and Bob have regarding other relationships?

Your angst seems to center around the sex they have, wanting Cee to want you, and feeling left out. It does seem like they both feel the need to hide what they're doing, so perhaps you are coming on a bit strong with your expectations and suspicions around them, but it doesn't sound like Bob has been very respectful of you either. This sounds all kinds of messed up to me.

I would say that if you want to stay with Bob, then you should each keep your relationships with other people separate and have physical intimacy with those people outside the home you share. And also to really dig down deep to be able to discern love from lust, and whether it's poly you really want or something more sex-focused. That's just my two cents, I hope it's helpful.

We were both friends with Cee for years. I liked them as more than a friend for a while, but since we hadn't discussed seeking out other partners again after our last poly relationship ended, I didn't bring it up. I can control crushes and romantic feelings if I think it will upset my partner, a consideration I'm not getting from either of them currently.

It's not about the sex and wanting threesomes all the time. It's them being lovey dovey with each other and me feeling like I'm a third wheel in their relationship and then hiding the extent of their activity together. If they didn't think they were doing anything wrong, why hide it? Why lie to me? Why ask me to open up and ignore what I say?

This thread has made me realize I'm not a poly person, I guess. Struggling with jealousy or feelings of being left out/not desired/wanting more communication or advance notice, expressing it to your partners, and then feeling upset again when they disregard that is just too anti-poly.

I'm done several times over.

 

[Magdlyn]

We have been together for 12 years, half of that in a vee with his now ex-wife.

Is that also the "triad that fizzled" that you referred to?

We had a big fight the other night about all this and he accused me of trying to sabotage things between him and Cee because I said I was thinking about taking a step back, even though that would be difficult for me. He let slip that he blames me for his ex wife cheating and leaving us.

Um, what the heck? That was years ago, first of all. Secondly, her choice to cheat was her choice, I'd think. There is some weird unfinished business here, it seems.

This is not the first recent big fight we've had since he started seeing Cee (which happened without even really talking to me about it). I think he's wanting to just be with Cee. His biggest concern when I was crying about how I'd be heartbroken to end things with Cee, but I think it's the right decision, was whether he'd be able to keep seeing Cee...

In the prior triad/V, is that what happened? You and Bob had to date someone (his wife?) as a unit, and when you stopped "dating" her, she left both of you?

and whether I'd police their time together too much so they wouldn't be able to be intimate.

My name isn't on the mortgage but we moved into a house a couple years ago.

Why aren't you on the mortgage? Don't you need that security?

I agree that they need to pursue their relationship outside of our house, if they can't respect my feelings about things I've said I'm uncomfortable with (right now anyway), or at least more discussion about how things will progress now. But I also think that if that's what needs to happen I won't see him much at home anymore.

You have a right to ask to set up an equitable dating schedule. Polyamory doesn't mean date the new person and entirely neglect your long-term partner.

Also, please read this article: "Are you in poly hell?" https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

 

[IndieSolo]

This thread has made me realize I'm not a poly person, I guess. Struggling with jealousy or feelings of being left out/not desired/wanting more communication or advance notice, expressing it to your partners, and then feeling upset again when they disregard that is just too anti-poly.

Look, it's not like someone who engages in polyamory suddenly never feels jealous again, or never struggles with feeling left out. The key is self-awareness and a willingness to "feel the feels" and work through them. For sure, there needs to be better communication among you, Bob, and Cee. For sure, you all need to have better agreements that work for everyone. But your feelings are yours to manage and not their responsibility, and I suspect they were trying to hide what they were doing partly due to fear of a blow-up from you. It does sound like you were indeed policing their times together. But all that doesn't mean these relationships cannot be repaired, if you are all willing to do some deeper work on yourselves and honor your commitments.

 

[ref2018]

His biggest concern when I was crying about how I'd be heartbroken to end things with Cee but I think it's the right decision was whether he'd be able to keep seeing Cee, and whether I'd police their time together too much so they wouldn't be able to be intimate.

Yup. He wants you to break up with him so he doesn't feel guilty about dumping you for Cee.

 

[dunkdonutprincess]

Look, it's not like someone who engages in polyamory suddenly never feels jealous again, or never struggles with feeling left out. The key is self-awareness and a willingness to "feel the feels" and work through them. For sure, there needs to be better communication among you, Bob, and Cee. For sure, you all need to have better agreements that work for everyone. But your feelings are yours to manage and not their responsibility, and I suspect they were trying to hide what they were doing partly due to fear of a blow-up from you.

When did I ever say I blew up at anyone? When I expressed how I was feeling, I talked to both of them, calmly, we all apologized and then we all went and had breakfast.

If they're hiding what they're doing because they're afraid it would make me upset, for a good partner isn't that a cue to either not do it, or talk more about it? Or in poly is that not a thing.

If in poly I'm just expected to deal with all my negative emotions completely by myself to avoid harshing their NRE buzz, then it's 1000% not for me and imo actually just not healthy.

 

[dunkdonutprincess]

Is that also the "triad that fizzled" that you referred to?

Um, what the heck? That was years ago, first of all. Secondly, her choice to cheat was her choice, I'd think. There is some weird unfinished business here, it seems.

In the prior triad/V, is that what happened? You and Bob had to date someone (his wife?) as a unit, and when you stopped "dating" her, she left both of you?

Why aren't you on the mortgage? Don't you need that security?

You have a right to ask to set up an equitable dating schedule. Polyamory doesn't mean date the new person and entirely neglect your long-term partner.

Also, please read this article: "Are you in poly hell?" https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

In the prior vee/triad/vee, I was dating Bob, who was engaged. They had had several partners in the past, either as a triad or a vee. They'd been together for over 10 years when I started seeing Bob.

It morphed into a triad pretty naturally, but then his wife and I grew apart and decided (mutually but a little more on her part, I think) that the vee was better for all of us. We continued as a vee for years after that, our triad was a little less than a year.

I'm not on the mortgage because I have terrible credit. I guess I should have been smarter about having some security but I thought we had a stronger relationship than we do, I guess.

Also it seems poly means managing my own feelings on my own, and letting the people who aren't struggling with shutting enjoy their NRE. I'm too weak and avoidant for this stuff.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm too weak and avoidant for this stuff.

Your partner seems avoidant :/ Hiding sex and accusing you of 'issues' years later.

 

[Tinwen]

Ok wow, well there I have it I guess.

I'm not cut out for poly. I guess I just needed to get things out in the open to figure that out for myself.

Ok, that landed very wrong. No, I would not go as far as judging if you're cut out for poly or not. It's totally ok to have boundaries, it's ok not to want their intimacy in your living room and it's ok to feel left out if expectations were different.

But somehow, without judging who'se "fault" it is, you and your partner seem to be making newbie mistakes! Him not talking about a new relationship. Ignoring your needs. Lying about what's happening. And on your side, you do come across - meaning it or not - as wanting to control what they do on their time together and expecting feelings (or sex-appeal) to be equal.

It's very possible you're fine with a different kind of poly with different partners, or just putting in more work as a couple! But this whole situation, for some reason unclear to me, reads more like 'just starting out mess' than 'we've been doing this for a decade' kind of established non-monogamy.

As I confess, we also had something like this going on last summer. I got a playpartner (which was kinda a new situation), and Idealist was fine with that, so I thought we're fine. Then I talked to a common friend and we fought for a month over it, which came totally out of the blue for me. So it's not unheard of that a new relationship triggers very basic insecurities and couples' conflicts! Just making you aware.

 

[dunkdonutprincess]

Ok, that landed very wrong. No, I would not go as far as judging if you're cut out for poly or not. It's totally ok to have boundaries, it's ok not to want their intimacy in your living room and it's ok to feel left out if expectations were different.

But somehow, without judging who'se "fault" it is, you and your partner seem to be making newbie mistakes! Him not talking about a new relationship. Ignoring your needs. Lying about what's happening. And on your side, you do come across - meaning it or not - as wanting to control their time together and expecting feelings (or sex-appeal) to be equal.

It's very possible you're fine with a different kind of poly with different partners, or just putting in more work as a couple! But this whole situation, for some reason unclear to me, reads more like 'just starting out mess' than 'we've been doing this for a decade' kind of established non-monogamy.

As I confess, we also had something like this going on last summer. I got a playpartner (which was kinda a new situation), and Idealist was fine with that, so I thought we're fine. Then I talked to a common friend and we fought for a month over it, which came totally out of the blue for me. So it's not unheard of that a new relationship triggers very basic insecurities and couples' conflicts! Just making you aware.

Ok, sorry I overreacted. It just reminded me of another sting I got in Bob's and my fight that my heart isn't as big as his and I need to work on "sharing more love" basically.

I felt pretty ready to share love with him and Cee. It also just happened that immediately they kept overstepping my boundaries and seemingly painting me as the evil third wheel that doesn't want anyone to have fun unless I'm there. I just want things to be clear between people, and maybe to avoid walking in on sex. I do wish Cee wanted me more, but I know (and have said to both of them) that I know I have no right to demand a 'level' of affection from someone. It just hurts that the affection is there between them and not between me and Cee.

Bob and I hadn't been in a poly relationship since his ex wife, and she left us over 5 years ago. We've said if things ever seemed to be moving that direction or if we had a strong desire for someone again we'd talk about it. But then as soon as he found someone it seems to me he kind of dived in, no discussion until after they got together, and is already infatuated to the point he's not considering my feelings beyond saying me not letting people just be happy about everything is bringing him down.

Maybe we're just out of practice, or maybe he and Cee like each other so much it's hard for them to see how I fit in with either of them (and both of them).

 

[IndieSolo]

When did I ever say I blew up at anyone? When I expressed how I was feeling, I talked to both of them, calmly, we all apologized and then we all went and had breakfast.

I didn't mean to imply that you did blow up at them. It just sounded to me like they wanted to avoid some potential drama, kind of like kids do when they know what makes a parent mad.

If they're hiding what they're doing because they're afraid it would make me upset, for a good partner isn't that a cue to either not do it, or talk more about it? Or in poly is that not a thing.

Of course, good, direct communication is essential. It sounded like they agreed to "behave" when you talked to them about it, but what exactly did they agree to? You were upset when they were being sexual while you were upstairs. But did they know they agreed to not be sexual when you left to go get coffee? Was it supposed to be a blanket "never have sex without me?"

If in poly I'm just expected to deal with all my negative emotions completely by myself to avoid harshing their NRE buzz, then it's 1000% not for me and imo actually just not healthy.

Think about it: how can anyone else ever really manage YOUR feelings? That's an inside job, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't ask for what you need. I can tell you're frustrated by the situation and some of the responses here, and that is understandable. But perhaps you didn't see what I had added to my post which you quoted: It does sound like you were indeed policing their times together. But all that doesn't mean these relationships cannot be repaired, if you are all willing to do some deeper work on yourselves and honor your commitments.

Bob and Cee played their parts and could have done a lot better, but since it's you who posted here, my focus was on you. And I shared what I could see from reading what you wrote, but I could be totally off-base.

There is always hope when people are committed to doing the work to "course correct," but it may take time and more tears before the relationships between you are stabilized. You are hurting and I feel for you. But I have seen some seemingly dire situations here and in my own life turn around and blossom into something really healthy.

 

[dunkdonutprincess]

I didn't mean to imply that you did blow up at them. It just sounded to me like they wanted to avoid some potential drama, kind of like kids do when they know what makes a parent mad.


Of course, good, direct communication is essential. It sounded like they agreed to "behave" when you talked to them about it, but what exactly did they agree to? You were upset when they were being sexual while you were upstairs. But did they know they agreed to not be sexual when you left to go get coffee? Was it supposed to be a blanket "never have sex without me?"



Think about it: how can anyone else ever really manage YOUR feelings? That's an inside job, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't ask for what you need. I can tell you're frustrated by the situation and some of the responses here, and that is understandable. But perhaps you didn't see what I had added to my post which you quoted: It does sound like you were indeed policing their times together. But all that doesn't mean these relationships cannot be repaired,
if you are all willing to do some deeper work on yourselves and honor your commitments.

There is always hope. when people are committed to doing the work to "course correct," but it may take time and more tears before the relationships between you are stabilized.

How exactly do you not think, "hey, our partner went to bed upset about not feeling desired, and we also just talked about her feeling like we're always just waiting for her to leave, maybe when she goes to get coffee we can manage to keep our hands out of each other's pants and answer her message about the favor we asked her to leave to do? This should be simple, we've been seeing each other for just a few weeks. Oh never mind, let's keep doing what we want and just pretend she's being crazy when she comes home and says we ignored her" Is kind of a dick move?

I didn't think being in a poly relationship meant everyone gets carte blanche to act on any feeling at any time regardless of how people feel?

So I'm damned if I open up, damned if I bottle it up. Opening up is a waste of time because my partners won't/shouldn't have to do anything about their behavior that bothers me and I have to manage my feelings on my own, so why even say anything?

If I hold it in, it's "why didn't you say anything? You need open communication in poly, this is your fault"

Either way I'm the problem. It's easy for them, and not for me, so that's that.

 

[IndieSolo]

After re-reading your posts, I'm wondering if Cee isn't putting some kind of cowgirl/cowboy type of trip on Bob. Some people are what a mentor of mine used to call "relationship splitters" which is a pattern of manipulation and behavior that is aimed to split people up and take the place of one of them. Kids do it sometimes, wriggling in between their parents when they see them being affectionate, so it can be a very old, ingrained habit and not consciously intentional. Or it could totally be Cee's intention to split you and Bob up and take your place. Who knows, but a lot of stuff needs to be aired and discussed between you if you want to continue in these relationships.