Boyfriend abhors the idea, can't understand

S

Shebang

New member
Hello, I'm new to this forum and I joined because I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to accept the fact that I am capable of, and desire to, love more than one person romantically and sexually at the same time. I love the idea of having a community of like-minded people to discuss this stuff with, yay!

Unfortunately the man I've been with for four years, who I want to be with for the rest of my life is in no way open to any form of polyamory. He doesn't "believe" in it, he says, and the overall impression I get from our conversations is that it's too messy, time consuming.

He thinks I'm just fooling myself, and I'm not really able to be poly because I have insecurity issues. However, in a previous relationship, my marriage, I had experienced sharing a girlfriend with my ex, while he had another long-distance girlfriend, as well. This experience, while not healthy for other reasons, opened me up and made me realize that I wanted more of it in my life. Now that I have been with someone who is monogamous for a few years, I have realized that it feels wrong and untrue to myself to close my heart to people I would normally be open to.

Here is our background: during the first six months of our relationship, I told him I was interested in exploring polyamory. He never really said much, but generally gave me the impression that he might be open it. But then one night he had a few to drink and told me what he really thought, which was that it's perverse and shallow, an excuse to maintain a facade of integrity, while destroying self-worth and a true partnership bond.

I was extremely hurt. I felt betrayed and misunderstood, like I had already invested my heart into a doomed partnership. I took his words to heart and really looked at myself for months following, in case maybe I was really just being selfish and immature like he claimed.

About two months after this conversation, the topic came up again. I showed him some websites and couple books.

He seemed to suddenly be okay with it, since there was a girl we were acquaintances with that was obviously into both of us.

Long story short, we talked about possibly exploring something with her, and set some boundaries.

A week later, he told me that he slept with her. This crossed all the boundaries, especially about honesty and all parties involved knowing and stuff. It totally upset and shocked me that he would cheat on me. So I gave up on the poly thing, because I truly knew he didn't understand, despite his claims.

Six months later, I found out that he cheated on my again. He had a one-night stand about three months after the first infidelity. At this point I was numb with shock from him hiding this from me for so long (three months). I didn't care if he stayed or left anymore. So I told him if he stayed with me I was going to explore being with another person. I know, totally horrible, definitely immature, but I was hurt and dumb.

So for a few months, I was intimate with a woman who had been a friend of mine for a while. We were totally into each other. It was great. I felt like my heart opened towards my boyfriend so much through that experience with her that I was able to forgive him and totally feel in love with him all over again. He also dated and slept with another woman during those months.

Both of these relationships ended around the same time. It's been over two years since then. We've both been monogamous because of all the pain and hurt it brings up for him from my being with the woman for those few months. It really destroyed him, he says. At the time, he kind of expressed this, but I was really mean and told him it was my turn, since he had cheated on me twice.

Okay, so I know this is long. Thanks to anyone who is still reading. haha

During these two years, I haven't even brought up the poly topic, because I've been working out my feelings from our 'experiments' in the beginning of our relationship. A few weeks ago, I brought it up again, though, because it's been killing me, not being able to feel free and be myself totally with him. He reacted the same way he did during our first real convo about it: very hurt and upset and not open to it. It threw him off, I think, because it brought up old emotions for him about trust and stuff.

Other than this mono/poly thing, we are perfect for each other. I am very content with him. He is so good to my daughter (from my marriage). He is amazing.

I am so subjective about this whole thing that I have no idea what to think. I really need some objective viewpoints.

Should I give up?
Does it sound like he's utterly monogamous and there's no hope?
Does it sound like he just misunderstands, and has relationship/trust issues that need to be worked out, and then he might be open to being open?
Am I just going about this all wrong?
What should I do?

I think I just want some hope that it's possible to stay with him. I know that when I bring up the topic he feels threatened and bites my head off. I know what I need to do for myself. I know I'll have to end it if he can't accept all of me. But it's so very sad to think that I might have to do that.
 
It sounds like you've been flying by the seat of your pants and not done any prep work. I don't know. I might be wrong there, so let me know if I am.

I think the two of you have done your bit of getting back at one another, and have come to a place where you could carry on being monogamous, or try polyamory again. It sounds like your boundaries need to be set and kept this time. If there is any cause to waver, I think that should be it, and you should move on. It doesn't sound like he gets it. Nor do you, honestly. Working from a firm foundation is the only way to do it, I think.

On that note, check the "lessons learned" and "poly foundations" threads, and see if they help. You can find them by doing a search for "lessons" and "foundations" in subject titles. Please feel free to add to them from your own experience, as they are not meant to be sacred documents, but for everyone to share and help each other. It sounds like you have have learned some lessons already. :)
 
Thanks, Redpepper. I will do that. :)

What kind of "prep work" do you mean? I definitely have several years of research into the poly lifestyle, and know a few people who are happily involved in multiple-partner relationships. As for my guy, he obviously hasn't done much prep work, since he's basically not open to discussing it in depth and gets very upset about it. I understand my actions earlier in our relationship ("getting back at him," ultimatums, etc.) were totally the wrong way to go about it. Unfortunately that's the only "prep work" he's had.
 
Your boyfriend has told you in clear and uncertain terms that he is not interested in pursuing polyamory in any form.

You're pretty sure you're poly.

These two mindsets are mutually exclusive. Sorry to be blunt, but it seems to me like its time for you to decide whether you want him and monogamy or polyamory with like-minded partners.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
 
Fidelia said:
Your boyfriend has told you in clear and uncertain terms that he is not interested in pursuing polyamory in any form.

You're pretty sure you're poly.

These two mindsets are mutually exclusive. Sorry to be blunt, but it seems to me like its time for you to decide whether you want him and monogamy or polyamory with like minded partners.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
Click to expand...

My thoughts, exactly.
 
Hi newbie!

Background: I am a 55-year old woman, technically married, but separated and divorcing after a 30-year relationship.

I was always polyamorous in my heart. I'd get crushes on others, but I never cheated on my soon-to-be ex.

It was always the elephant in the room. He was always jealous of anyone I got a crush on, friend, neighbor or even celebrities.

Like you and your partner, in oh so many other ways we were quite compatible. But by the end, we were about 60% compatible, 40% incompatible. For various reasons, not just the polyamory factor, we split in October of 2008.

Soon afterwards, January 2009, I met my current partner, who is polyamorous and always has been. I have a "secondary" I also met in early 2009. I've never been happier. It's great to be able to be free and my fully authentic self. It's great to be emotionally and sexually satisfied by my lovers, and potentially any other person I wish to date and try on for size! I feel loved, accepted and supported for my entire self.
 
I had two really great boyfriends once. This experience helped me to understand ways they think, and that there is emotional vulnerability for men as well. My boyfriend, Ryan, was also hesitant about the polyamory thing when we first started.

From my experience, men often feel threatened when they are forced into a corner to immediately "choose" yes or no by someone they are emotionally tied to. Therefore, I would encourage you to create an environment that has the lowest amount of pressure and emotional clutter. This will probably mean making yourself less forceful about your needs, and encourage your partner to think about his. This way, he will be able to actually consider things rationally.

I also think that since you know a few people who are actively polyamorous, then a really good idea would be to ask him and them out for lunch, just to say hello, and say that they are happy in their relationship, and their needs are not ignored in the relationship.

Clarify with him that you understand that things can go wrong in polyamory.

An example of this that I can give you: Ryan and I were both involved with my other boyfriend, but things didn't go as planned. I assured Ryan that we would work together to continue looking for common things we both wanted, and keep each other's needs in mind when choosing others.

I think that probably all your bf is hearing when you bring it up is "Wah wah wah... I'm not getting what I need, and I'm going to leave you all alone." Therefore, he is clinging to what he knows and is comfortable with very tightly because he is unsure what else to do. He is probably scared that if he opens up even a little, then you will take things too far, too fast.

He probably wants some assurance that you are willing to take the process slowly and work with him to incorporate his needs, as well. You might think this is obvious, but sometimes just restating it will open up the conversation.

However, although this worked to alleviate Ryan's fears, it did not work for my other boyfriend. He honestly felt that he wanted a more traditional relationship. He chose monogamy, even though he loved me as a person, and I had to respect that.

Best wishes for you two!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top