The thing that prompted me to look for a forum and ask for advice (or simply venting? I don't know what will be of this) is that I have a somewhat ridiculous and straining situation going on here. I'll try to summarize:
Boyfriend A1 (naming for order of arrival, NOT hierarchy, I can't do hierarchy) and I have been together for 10 years, some 6 years ago opened the relationship because we put things in common and discovered that the two of us could like/love other people without that being harmful to the feelings between us.
Two years passed with none of us having any other relationship (we weren't looking for it. We simply knew that it was a possibility and prepared the grounds for it). Then, I began dating A2, a new but close friend of A1, and everything went crazy for a while, A1 having all kinds of insecurity-related breakdowns, etc. It was hellish the first few months but he worked on it, went to a therapist, etc... and came off the mess as a better person i think.
Maybe some day i'll tell the full history here for someone to help me analyze it or something, 'cause it was a rocky start.
But months passed by and the situation normalized, every one of us making our best.
A2 was a very caring and agreeable guy who (i thought) loved us both (A1 as a friend, but a very dear one). He hadn't had any poly relationship before, and came to terms with everything reaaally easy. Everything was easy with him. Everyone liked him. Always with a smile, always ready to do whatever you needed, always comforting and funny... so cute and lovely we jokingly called him a panda bear lol. I knew there was something with him (not even something bad! I knew, because I had some indicators, that he was smarter than he appeared, and it saddened me that he .. like.. didn't wanted to show it?) and always tried to get to know him more, but he kept sneaking away and changing topics whenever I tried to get him to talk about himself. He did so with a non-paralelled ability, and he could get you laughing and joking around in a minute, and you couldn't even remember what the question was. Some talent he had.
Two years passed, A1 adjusted perfectly, we 3 had our whatsapp group, our movie nights, the two of them went out together without me every now and then and had lots of fun, etc... There were even some medium-near future plans of moving together.
Then I had to fuck everything up because that's what I do (that's the guilt talking, it was agreed between the 3 of us that I could do it but I still feel guilty about it nonetheless) and begin dating A3, a long time friend with which things had become more intimate. I began to do so in a really informal way, I didn't even counted him as a boyfriend at the time, only a close friend with benefits and "who knows, time will tell".
Well, so this time A2 lost his shit in a matter of weeks and had an epic mental breakdown. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was brutally distraught...
I couldn't understand any of that, because I had tried for two years to talk about an hypotetical situation of any of us dating more people and he always scurried away with "we'll see it when it happens" talk.
Long story short, after two months of creating drama, A2 left me.
More accurately, he left US, because he didn't said ANYTHING to A1. Not a farewell note, not even a "sorry, I can't talk to you anymore", nothing. He broke A1's heart. I'm pissed at what he did to me but whatever, these things can happen, it was partly on me for not insisting more on talking things through. But for what he did to A1 I fucking hate him. He didn't deserve being scorned/despised like that. After being "the best of friends" for two years. He simply vanished.
A1 couldn't believe at first, he was waiting for weeks for a word from him that never came. Then, he was angry and sad for a very long time, and in a way he still is. From a common friend, we heard that A2 had said that "if she could do that to me it was because she didn't love me" (that was the last straw, I could have smacked him because of the disdain these words meant for A1... Thankfully, I never got to see him again).
So, we get to the gist of the current problem. A3 was a friend of mine, but when A1 moved with me years ago, the two of them made acquaintance and got on very well, in fact there was a period of time in which A3 talked more with A1 than with me because I was somewhat isolated (depression shit), and everything was ok between them, not reaally close but they were pals and A1 thought highly of him as a person. This despite A3 being socially awkward at times and seemingly rude and hard to read (maybe asperger-like, I don't know how else describe it :/). Then, when A2 left us, A3 and I began to date more closely over time.
A1 began to be bitter about us dating, and said that he didn't want to make the effort to be close this time. He said that A3 and I didn't match, that it was weird. He's really awkward with A3 when we are together, but A3 doesn't know any of this and he keeps behaving like any other friend with A1. He would even like to strenghten the relationship between them, and holds him dear.
I feel absurdly guilty of having ditched a person so easy and "perfect" like A2 in favor of someone weirder and harder to connect with, and I feel responsible of having harmed A1 with the fiasco.
But I love A3 and I think that he's a wonderful and lovely human being and he deserves a chance and has done nothing wrong to deserve resentment.
Yesterday A1 said to me that he never wants to be with the two of us again, that he hasn't any trouble chatting casually with him (which, all things said, I don't understand) but wants nothing more to do. I said something to the effect of "he's not to blame for not being A2" and A1 acknowledged that he had some untapped troubles with all of that. But he doesn't want to adress them, at least not for now. He simply resent us dating, thinks that we don't match and doesn't want to see us together if he can avoid it.
I find all of this incredibly hurtful, unfair for all involved parts (even for A1 with himself for preferring to hold on to shitty feelings and being bitter as a result) and I don't see any possible solution here. I feel terrible about this.
If someone has managed to read the wall of text, please tell me your thoughts on it. I don't know if i'm a horrible person.
Boyfriend A1 (naming for order of arrival, NOT hierarchy, I can't do hierarchy) and I have been together for 10 years, some 6 years ago opened the relationship because we put things in common and discovered that the two of us could like/love other people without that being harmful to the feelings between us.
Two years passed with none of us having any other relationship (we weren't looking for it. We simply knew that it was a possibility and prepared the grounds for it). Then, I began dating A2, a new but close friend of A1, and everything went crazy for a while, A1 having all kinds of insecurity-related breakdowns, etc. It was hellish the first few months but he worked on it, went to a therapist, etc... and came off the mess as a better person i think.
Maybe some day i'll tell the full history here for someone to help me analyze it or something, 'cause it was a rocky start.
But months passed by and the situation normalized, every one of us making our best.
A2 was a very caring and agreeable guy who (i thought) loved us both (A1 as a friend, but a very dear one). He hadn't had any poly relationship before, and came to terms with everything reaaally easy. Everything was easy with him. Everyone liked him. Always with a smile, always ready to do whatever you needed, always comforting and funny... so cute and lovely we jokingly called him a panda bear lol. I knew there was something with him (not even something bad! I knew, because I had some indicators, that he was smarter than he appeared, and it saddened me that he .. like.. didn't wanted to show it?) and always tried to get to know him more, but he kept sneaking away and changing topics whenever I tried to get him to talk about himself. He did so with a non-paralelled ability, and he could get you laughing and joking around in a minute, and you couldn't even remember what the question was. Some talent he had.
Two years passed, A1 adjusted perfectly, we 3 had our whatsapp group, our movie nights, the two of them went out together without me every now and then and had lots of fun, etc... There were even some medium-near future plans of moving together.
Then I had to fuck everything up because that's what I do (that's the guilt talking, it was agreed between the 3 of us that I could do it but I still feel guilty about it nonetheless) and begin dating A3, a long time friend with which things had become more intimate. I began to do so in a really informal way, I didn't even counted him as a boyfriend at the time, only a close friend with benefits and "who knows, time will tell".
Well, so this time A2 lost his shit in a matter of weeks and had an epic mental breakdown. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was brutally distraught...
I couldn't understand any of that, because I had tried for two years to talk about an hypotetical situation of any of us dating more people and he always scurried away with "we'll see it when it happens" talk.
Long story short, after two months of creating drama, A2 left me.
More accurately, he left US, because he didn't said ANYTHING to A1. Not a farewell note, not even a "sorry, I can't talk to you anymore", nothing. He broke A1's heart. I'm pissed at what he did to me but whatever, these things can happen, it was partly on me for not insisting more on talking things through. But for what he did to A1 I fucking hate him. He didn't deserve being scorned/despised like that. After being "the best of friends" for two years. He simply vanished.
A1 couldn't believe at first, he was waiting for weeks for a word from him that never came. Then, he was angry and sad for a very long time, and in a way he still is. From a common friend, we heard that A2 had said that "if she could do that to me it was because she didn't love me" (that was the last straw, I could have smacked him because of the disdain these words meant for A1... Thankfully, I never got to see him again).
So, we get to the gist of the current problem. A3 was a friend of mine, but when A1 moved with me years ago, the two of them made acquaintance and got on very well, in fact there was a period of time in which A3 talked more with A1 than with me because I was somewhat isolated (depression shit), and everything was ok between them, not reaally close but they were pals and A1 thought highly of him as a person. This despite A3 being socially awkward at times and seemingly rude and hard to read (maybe asperger-like, I don't know how else describe it :/). Then, when A2 left us, A3 and I began to date more closely over time.
A1 began to be bitter about us dating, and said that he didn't want to make the effort to be close this time. He said that A3 and I didn't match, that it was weird. He's really awkward with A3 when we are together, but A3 doesn't know any of this and he keeps behaving like any other friend with A1. He would even like to strenghten the relationship between them, and holds him dear.
I feel absurdly guilty of having ditched a person so easy and "perfect" like A2 in favor of someone weirder and harder to connect with, and I feel responsible of having harmed A1 with the fiasco.
But I love A3 and I think that he's a wonderful and lovely human being and he deserves a chance and has done nothing wrong to deserve resentment.
Yesterday A1 said to me that he never wants to be with the two of us again, that he hasn't any trouble chatting casually with him (which, all things said, I don't understand) but wants nothing more to do. I said something to the effect of "he's not to blame for not being A2" and A1 acknowledged that he had some untapped troubles with all of that. But he doesn't want to adress them, at least not for now. He simply resent us dating, thinks that we don't match and doesn't want to see us together if he can avoid it.
I find all of this incredibly hurtful, unfair for all involved parts (even for A1 with himself for preferring to hold on to shitty feelings and being bitter as a result) and I don't see any possible solution here. I feel terrible about this.
If someone has managed to read the wall of text, please tell me your thoughts on it. I don't know if i'm a horrible person.
