Boyfriends np passed and now hes ready to date

[Divagemini]

Hello. So a little about me quick- married 20 plus years, boyfriend for 3 years. He had a np who i never met and i will never do that again. Sadly she passed away 9 months ago. I helped him a lot, and was there. My family was there for him. We welcome him into our home anytime. So now he is ready to date again. Ive encouraged it. It should be a good thing. He always had two and i am unable to play two people in his life. He made it clear that if i were to date he would probably not stick around. When his np was around we had decided to just date one another and live with our partners. It worked and we both did not want anyone else. Now life has changed.shame on me For lack of communication with him about what this would mean for our relationship. He feels he and my husband should be enough and he needs to form a life. Obviously he isnt very poly. I told him hez free to date as many people as he wants and that i should date who i wanted without fear of him walking away. We have invested a lot into our relationship and now it seems he wants yo form a mono life like before and continue with me
Almost like when his np was alive-
He did however tell her she had to accept me and him as a couple which i was happy to hear. I guess im just ranting
Ty for listening and enjoy the day

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for airing out.

I have trouble following with no names. Let me repeat that back in my own words. You correct me if I get it wrong.

You are married. You have a BF, who had a nesting partner.

This group was Closed for a long time.

Then his nesting partner died and he grieved for 9 mos. So the old relationship shape is over since one member of the group passed away.

You are all in transitional space. A new shape coming, maybe new agreements now.

• He's ready to date again. He wants it to be Open for him but Closed for you.
• You think it should be Open on both sides -- where each of you can date new people.
• He thinks you having a husband and a BF (him) should be enough for you. He says if you choose to date other people, he's bowing out.
• You do not like that. You do not agree.

Is that about it?

Galagirl

 

[Divagemini]

Exactly it! And thank you for taking the time out to reply

 

[GalaGirl]

Ok. Glad I understood it ok.

Now life has changed.shame on me For lack of communication with him about what this would mean for our relationship.

I guess you and he need to talk about this then.

Because if he just wants to date so it can go back to (DH + [you) + BF] + (new person) and you want something else? Another kind of model? Best to figure that out now.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello. So a little about me quick- married (to Adam) for 20 plus years, with a boyfriend (John) for 3 years. John had a np (Mary) whom I never met, and I will never do that again.

Why do you say you'd never do that again?

Sadly, Mary passed away 9 months ago. I helped John a lot, and was there. My family was there for him. Adam and I welcome John into our home any time.

Now John is ready to date again. I've encouraged it. It should be a good thing. He always had two partners, and I am unable to play the role of two people in his life.

However, John made it clear that if I were to date he would probably not stick around. When Mary was around, we had decided to just date one another, and live with our other partners. It worked, and we both did not want anyone else. Now life has changed.

Shame on me, for lack of communication with him about what this would mean for our relationship. John thinks that he and Adam should be enough, but John needs to form a new life.

Why is there "shame" on you, and why does John get to set up the rules for YOU in HIS new life? Maybe he feels he has had enough change (Mary's death), and he wants YOU to remain his stable rock? But now, you need to adjust to him dating, perhaps many people, before he eventually, maybe, finds a new nesting partner. That will be a difficult change for you too. You get to set your own boundaries.

Obviously he isn't very poly. I told him he'd free to date as many people as he wants, and that I should also date whom I want, without fear of him walking away. We have invested a lot into our relationship, and now it seems he wants to form a mono life like before and continue with me, almost like when Mary was alive.

Yes. But it wouldn't be a "mono" life. You "get to" continue with 2 partners, and he gets to date however many women it takes until he finds another "Ms Right." It can take YEARS to find a Ms or Mr Right, if it EVER even happens! Especially since he's still in a grieving place and might not actually be a good viable person for anyone to date seriously yet.

He did however tell her "she" (any new dating partner) had to accept me and him as a couple, which I was happy to hear.

I paraphrased a bit, and added nicknames for clarity.

It can be difficult for a man to date when he already has an established female partner. Unless he gets lucky and finds some truly poly or poly-friendly women to date right away (not likely) this is going to take time.

 

[Inaniel]

It's not so surprising that he wants what you had established before, a closed quad of some sort. Naturally he would have to date to attain that configuration again. I feel like he told you what he wants, and you told him what you want and you two are at odds.. Right? He wants to date and have your side of the relationship stay the same while he is in transition. You disagree and want to date whomever you would like. Is this not a bit of an impasse? Someone must give or the relationship must end.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Divagemini,

It seems to me that if your boyfriend gets to date new people, you should get to date new people as well. I know his nesting partner has passed away, but that is not your fault, you should not be punished because of it. Tell him you are going to date new people, just as he is free to date new people. That is only fair. Yes, I realize that when his nesting partner was alive, you only had him and your husband. But even that was polyamorous, closed poly if you will. Were you free to date new people back then? If so, then you should be free to date new people now. Just my 2¢ ...

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

I feel like he told you what he wants, and you told him what you want and you two are at odds.. Right? He wants to date and have your side of the relationship stay the same while he is in transition. You disagree and want to date whomever you would like. Is this not a bit of an impasse? Someone must give or the relationship must end.

He's not wrong for asking for you to not date, and you're not wrong for capitulating to his request. You would also not be wrong for saying "I hear your request, and the answer is no".

A fork in the road like this is important, and can be one of those moments where we really learn something about ourselves and the people around us. Are you the person who stops dating, or stops bowling, or stops watching re-runs of old TV shows, because someone else wanted you to? Lots of people make huge sacrifices because someone else was bold enough to request it, but I don't think those sacrifices bring long term flourishing or stability... I think they just plant a seed of resentment and then pour water all over it.

If he needs to be poly-fi, I hope he finds himself in a place where he can have that. If that doesn't happen to be with you, then I hope everyone is kind and helpful in the transition.

 

[LoveBunny]

BF recently lost his partner. His life is in a HUGE transition (from married to single, from having a primary partner to no primary partner.) Perhaps he needs this to be a time of NO OTHER BIG CHANGES. Maybe the extra anxiety of stress of you dating is just a bit too much for him at this time. May I ask why you feel the need to date now, when you didn't before his partner died? Do you feel you're going to get less time and energy from BF now that he's dating, and possibly seeking a new primary partner?

 

[FallenAngelina]

He feels he and my husband should be enough and he needs to form a life. Obviously he isnt very poly. I told him hez free to date as many people as he wants and that i should date who i wanted without fear of him walking away.

This isn't a matter of who is "very poly" and who is not. This is a matter of an agreement, or not, about whether and how to close a poly group. It's not "not very poly" to find emotional security in poly fidelity, it's a preference. Your preferences are mismatched, it seems.

 

[MeeraReed]

This isn't a matter of who is "very poly" and who is not. This is a matter of an agreement, or not, about whether and how to close a poly group. It's not "not very poly" to find emotional security in poly fidelity, it's a preference. Your preferences are mismatched, it seems.

Hmm, I disagree with this. Being poly, like anything else, is a spectrum. Some people are going to be VERY poly, others are going to be more monogamous. The latter, if they are happy in a poly arrangement, are going to want it to more closely resemble monogamy, such as being a closed poly group.

I think it's more than just a preference. Unless monogamy vs. poly is a preference too?

There shouldn't be a value judgment about certain types of poly being better than another. But, I don't see what's wrong with saying that poly fidelity is closer to the monogamy side of the spectrum. And maybe that isn't "poly enough" for where the OP wants her life to be.

It does sound like the OP's boyfriend isn't as comfortable with poly as she is. Feeling that he & her husband should be "enough" for her strikes me as a sort of monogamous-minded thing to say.

It would be reasonable if he didn't want the stress and change of her dating someone new while he's still grieving and adjusting to life without his nesting partner. But if he's ready himself to date...I don't quite get it?

But I also don't get why the OP needs to date someone new right now, when she didn't before?

It sounds like he and the OP might be incompatible for what they want out of life. He is more monogamous, and wants to find a new nesting partner, but is willing to have a closed poly group with OP. But OP is "more poly" and wants the freedom to have more partners.

OP, you might be fundamentally mismatched with your boyfriend. Would you both be happier if you went your separate ways?