Breaking the jealousy habit

[emk4t]

Hi all

Me and my girlfriend have been in a LDR for 8 months, and only recently have I brought in my boyfriend, who lives a short train ride away. Past the initial jealousy and feeling pushed out, my girlfriend (who has always been polyamorous) is now completely comfortable with me and my new boyfriend. The only problem is, when she finishes work/settles down for the evening, both me and my boyfriend usually go to sleep. Sometimes he stays up later, but not a whole lot later than me. This has left my girlfriend feeling really lonely in the evenings.

I've always been honest with her about how I'd feel of us being in an open poly relationship, and how I'd be jealous, but now I'm in two relationships, I feel like I'm a huge hypocrite to do so. She wants to see other people, but she says that she's "too scared to try". She worries that it'll upset me, and that my jealousy will end up ruining any future relationships that she might have. I'm really trying, but while I can't promise her that I won't be somewhat upset when she gets with other people, she said that she won't even try.

At this point, I feel like I need to ignore all of my natural feelings of jealousy, and tell her to go for it, and hide any upset I have - but our whole relationship is built on honesty with one another. I've never been poly before, so this whole situation is very confusing, and I feel like I'm going against my natural reactions to relationships - which isn't exactly a bad thing, as I've built up some bad habits in mono relationships in the past. Does anyone know how to lift this feeling of jealousy, so that I can prove to her that she can find happiness with someone else and finally be herself in this relationship?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. Could you please be willing to clarify some things? I could be wrong here.... but my impression is that you talk about "jealousy" but it sounds more like "anxiety" to me.

our whole relationship is built on honesty with one another.

Ok.

I've always been honest with her about how I'd feel of us being in an open poly relationship, and how I'd be jealous, but now I'm in two relationships, I feel like I'm a huge hypocrite to do so.

Why is it hypocritical to you? You expect yourself to never change over time? Or you expect yourself to be great all skills at once?

The skills for being the "hinge or shared sweetie" in this relationship V are different skills than being the "other partner or metamour" over in that potential relationship V where she would have the role of the hinge. Just like the skills for being the pitcher on a baseball team on Saturday is different than the skills for being the goalie at the soccer game on Sunday.

If you have discovered that you are good with one set of skills? It's ok to still have to learn the other set.

You seem to admit to her you don't have the other skills but you are willing to try to learn them if she starts dating other people. How's that making you a hypocrite?

She wants to see other people, but she says that she's "too scared to try"

Ok. So she's not ready yet. Are you not ok with her honestly telling you that?

She worries that it'll upset me, and that my jealousy will end up ruining any future relationships that she might have.

These are HER worries. Are you not ok with her working them out for herself?

I'm really trying, but while I can't promise her that I won't be somewhat upset when she gets with other people...

I think that's fair. You have been honest back. You cannot promise that you will never feel a speck of jealousy. You can say if you do feel feel some jealousy, that you will try control how you choose to behave. And you are willing to go there at this time and try to learn.

....she said that she won't even try.

And that is HER choice. You are willing to try to learn some new stuff at this time. She is NOT willing to try to learn some new stuff at this time. She's honestly telling you that. Why not respect her choice at this time and tell her to talk to you if she changes her mind later? Then be at peace with that?

I feel like I need to ignore all of my natural feelings of jealousy, and tell her to go for it, and hide any upset I have

Why? That's not being emotionally honest. You seem to recognize that.

I could be wrong. But it seems like you take on (her worries and her not willing to try right now) on board for yourself. Then you make it be about (you proving you are not hypocritical or you proving your worth or value.) You make her stuff be your stuff.

When you could let it be (her worries and her unwillingness) and let it be (her choice to decide when she IS ready to try.) Let her stuff be HER stuff.

Does anyone know how to lift this feeling of jealousy, so that I can prove to her that she can find happiness with someone else and finally be herself in this relationship?

This is where I need some clarification. Why do you have to prove anything here? Who is putting you on trial and judging? A poly person doesn't have to be constantly multi-partnered to be poly. Sometimes poly people are single, have 1 partner, have more than 1 partner, at different times of life. Be ok with this. It's almost like you think she's not really happy with you unless she's multi-partnered. Or like you aren't enough for her or something. Is that what this is?

Or is this more about managing your emotional boundaries and not getting inappropriately caught up in her stuff? If she hasn't really been herself in the relationship all this time when it is supposed to be built on honesty? It doesn't sound like SHE is being honest with herself/you. If she's not happy in the relationship with you? She can choose to change that. She can work out whatever it is with you, break up with you, etc. Exercise her choices and make you aware. You cannot be a mind reader.

Or is this about managing your anxiety? To me it sounds like she just wanted to air out some worries. And maybe hearing them made you anxious. And now maybe you are jumping to conclusions and wanting to DO something to help use up some of the anxious energy. Rather than just sit with it for a bit and let it dissipate on its own.

Why is it your job to automatically fix all her stuff for her? Isn't it her responsibility? Has she even asked you to help her do anything or is your anxiety making you jump the gun?

Is any of that happening here?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello emk4t,
Here are some links for managing jealousy ...

• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Jealousy and the Poly Family
• Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hopefully that helps.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

I got lost right away:

Me and my girlfriend have been in a LDR for 8 months

Doesn't "LDR" mean you're living a significant distance apart...? So I can't see how her post-work "wind down" time has any interaction with when YOU go to sleep.

You deal with jealousy by dealing with jealousy -- it happens, then you figure out how to work around it. You can't rationalize your way out of it; many books/articles that claim to deal with jealousy actually help readers develop skills at denial (packing down those feelings until there's an eventual explosion) so I'm generally not a fan.

IMO it's not so much jealousy, rather the expression of a need to control a situation. You aren't alone in this: doubts about your ability to handle actual complexity already have your girlfriend "scared" & "worried."

Has it been an LDR for eight months... or is the relationship only eight months along? If the latter, I can certainly see where both you AND her have good cause for feeling insecure.

 

[Magdlyn]

I got lost right away: Doesn't "LDR" mean you're living a significant distance apart...? So I can't see how her post-work "wind down" time has any interaction with when YOU go to sleep.

I had the same confusion. Do you and bf visit gf at HER place and go to bed ahead of her? Where does she sleep when she's ready for bed? Still alone? In the bed with the 2 of you? Sounds awkward!

If you have an earlier bedtime, didn't you used to go to bed earlier than her when visiting her, or when she visits you?

Why does your new bf need to share space with your gf at all? That isn't necessary, unless you all want it.

That said, I've run into a somewhat similar situation here... my live-in gf (of 9 years) and my newer bf (of 8 months) are both night owls, and friends, and he stays up with her when he spends the night at our place, sometimes for hours after I go to bed. (I go to bed at midnight but they can stay up til 2 or
3 or occasionally even later.) In fact, all this one-on-one time has led to feelings in his mind (penis lol), that she is also his gf, and he has been trying to get her to have sex with him. We just recently had to have a big talk to establish boundaries and let him know she isn't interested in that for herself, and I am not interested in sharing him sexually with her either. We want a V, not a triad.

I just posted about that in my blog in our journal section.

In your case, maybe your gf is OK with you going to bed ahead of her when it's just you and her in the house, but she feels envy that you are going to bed now WITH your bf, and she has no one to hang out with. Maybe you don't need to let YOUR bf stay over at HER place often, or at all. Not everyone is comfortable having a metamour spend time at their house (for various reasons).

You deal with jealousy by dealing with jealousy -- it happens, then you figure out how to work around it. You can't rationalize your way out of it; many books/articles that claim to deal with jealousy actually help readers develop skills at denial (packing down those feelings until there's an eventual explosion) so I'm generally not a fan.

IMO it's not so much jealousy, rather the expression of a need to control a situation. You aren't alone in this: doubts about your ability to handle actual complexity already have your girlfriend "scared" & "worried."

Has it been an LDR for eight months... or is the relationship only eight months along? If the latter, I can certainly see where both you AND her have good cause for feeling insecure.

 

[emk4t]

Thank you for all of the replies. To clarify; yes, me and my girlfriend are long distance. She lives in the states and I live in the UK. I visit her as and when I can, but the entirety of our relationship has been long distance and 8 months.

I suffer with anxiety, which I am getting therapy for, which I suppose is why I'm worrying so much about how to handle everything that's being thrown at me.

My girlfriend is the kind of person that will put others needs before her own. I know that she wants to see other people, because she's made it very clear that she wants that, but she won't do anything until she's sure that it won't upset me or that I can be 100% supportive, and while I really want her to be happy, I can't promise her that I won't struggle with it at first. I almost feel like I have to make her try to go out and see other people to make herself happy, because she won't do anything while she thinks that it will upset me - but I know that I'm not going to be completely comfortable with it from the off.

Last night, another problem rose. She struggles with making friends that are close to her, and online she's taken to speaking to some of my friends and getting quite close. In the time that we've dated, she's developed crushes on two of my friends, but as we weren't open to being poly then, it didn't lead anywhere and actually made me quite upset. Now, she's developing another crush on one of my friends. I don't think the feeling is mutual as it's a girl and I'm sure that my friend is straight, but more than that, I don't want my girlfriend sexting/dating my friends. I don't have a lot of friends outside of the small group that I have, and I feel like I'm fair in asking her to not do anything with them? I'm trying to look at the pros and cons in it, that while I trust my friends to not hurt her or make her uncomfortable, I don't know how comfortable I am with knowing that my friends and girlfriend are hooking up? Can I really tell my girlfriend who she can and can't see if I'm trying to be open to being poly?

My girlfriend has told me that not being able to be in an open poly relationship in the past is why a lot of her relationships haven't worked out. I'm really trying to not let this ruin us, but I feel like if I don't give her the freedom that she needs then this is really going to be the end of us, because I can tell that she's lonely and unhappy.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad you are getting therapy for the anxiety.

I know that she wants to see other people, because she's made it very clear that she wants that, but she won't do anything until she's sure that it won't upset me or that I can be 100% supportive, and while I really want her to be happy, I can't promise her that I won't struggle with it at first.

I think that is fair. You are telling her honestly that you cannot promise you won't struggle with it at first, but you are willing to deal with that if/when she decides to date other people.

You could let her know all of that and then leave it up to her to decide when she's ready.

I don't want my girlfriend sexting/dating my friends.

When you tell her the above, you could tell her that you prefer she not date your friends so that she's aware.

I don't want my husband dating my mom, sister, boss, kid's teacher, etc, certain close friends because him dating them would make life messy for me. Some are permanent. (Ex: mom) Some might change over time. (ex: kid's teacher when no longer teaching a kid). I would not date his "messy people." There's enough people in the world to date without going for one of those.

Actually TELL her who your messy people. She cannot be a mind reader.

Can I really tell my girlfriend who she can and can't see if I'm trying to be open to being poly?

You cannot TELL her, like you are her boss. But you can request it of her. Like "Could you please be willing not to date my _____? Those people would be really messy for me. Do you have any messy people I need to know about? I'm willing to return the favor."

Again... there's enough people in the world without going for the messy ones.

My girlfriend has told me that not being able to be in an open poly relationship in the past is why a lot of her relationships haven't worked out.

That's the past. In this one, she CAN. This is an open poly relationship already. You have already expressed your support.

I'm really trying to not let this ruin us, but I feel like if I don't give her the freedom that she needs then this is really going to be the end of us, because I can tell that she's lonely and unhappy

.

You HAVE given her the freedom. If she doesn't want to exercise it right now, that's her choice. If it is her own choice that is making her unhappy? She could change her mind and start dating.

You could remind her once that you are willing for her to see other people. And then leave it alone. Expect her to make her own choices.

If she's bugging you that she's lonely or whatever, but won't actually make the effort to go out to make friends or date people? I supposed you could encourage her to seek help with all that. Perhaps she a therapist of her own if the problem is social anxiety or something.

Galagirl