Breakups In Poly

BelleRose

BelleRose

New member
Quick question: Any advice on how to manage a breakup in a poly situation?

I started seeing someone new. While it didn't last long, it was very intense, and then ended very abruptly with me being left pretty confused. My partner has been super supportive but typically I've dealt with breakups by sort of withdrawing and recovering alone. I'm not sure how to accept the support, and I actually feel a little guilty mourning the loss of someone else in front of my partner, let alone having him be a shoulder. It just doesn't seem fair to him. Although if the situation were reversed I think I would want to be able to support him.

Teaching moment?
 
Sorry to hear that you're hurting and processing a breakup.

I think part of being poly means accepting that when you are having some feelings about something, you can't just magically shut them off for other people. Sure, compartmentalization is great sometimes, but your partners know what you date other people, and your partners also (should) want to be supportive of you through good and bad times. Well if one of those bad times happens to be a breakup in another relationship, then a certain part of being a good partner is holding space for your people to be able to be sad. Even if they're sad about someone else.

If a friend can give you support through a breakup, then why can't another partner? Especially if you would want the same support if the roles were reversed.

I think this is really just a matter of reminding yourself that it's ok to mourn one partner in front of another. If they really have that much of a problem with it, then it's on them to speak up to you so that you can respond accordingly. But no need to create another problem where one may not exist.
 
Hi BelleRose,

I would suggest that you let your partner support you in this time of mourning. It's what he wants to do. Eventually, times will be good again, and then you'll remember all the help he gave when times were rough. In the meantime, you have to go through the grieving process, there's no quick or easy way, you have to go through all the stages of grief (some more than once). Let people help you, the people who want to help. (The people on this forum for one, which you're already doing.) Keep us posted on how you're feeling and how things are going, which will make it so we can update our advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I’d say one caveat to this is how the poly relationship came about and if all the partners with in the dynamic have other partners.

A struggling spouse from a long term mono marriage turn poly isn’t interested in being the emotional tampon. That’s one of those things that’s listed on the Con side.
 
dingedheart said:
I’d say one caveat to this is how the poly relationship came about and if all the partners with in the dynamic have other partners.

A struggling spouse from a long term mono marriage turn poly isn’t interested in being the emotional tampon. That’s one of those things that’s listed on the Con side.
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I just had to chime in and say I loved dingedheart's tampon metaphor :D

OP, it sounds like your other partner is very kind and compassionate. It is wonderful that they want to be there for you and is a sign of a healthy relationship. I am sorry you had to go through that breakup, it sounds like it was really hard given the nature of that relationship.
 
tealheron11 said:
I just had to chime in and say I loved dingedheart's tampon metaphor :D
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I thought it was gross.

OP, it sounds like your other partner is very kind and compassionate. It is wonderful that they want to be there for you and is a sign of a healthy relationship. I am sorry you had to go through that breakup, it sounds like it was really hard given the nature of that relationship.
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Thanks, all. This has definitely sucked but I think the worst is over. My partner (George) has been great and allowed me to vent the few times that I have about the breakup with...let's call him Luke.

I've definitely been flipping back and forth between depression and acceptance regarding the stages of grief. And I fully expect to have another bout of it soon because I'll be attending an event Thursday night and I am almost certain that Luke will be there. I don't know whether he'll be unkind or too kind, but I'm trying to be prepared for both. I didn't want to break up, and I don't really know what happened and why he suddenly freaked out and left me despite claiming that he loves me. Also, George will be working that night, so while I have a friend going with me I already know that it will be hard being there, in a sense, "alone". I haven't seen Luke in a month and the last time I did we were happy. I thought. I still get those painful pangs in my chest if I let myself think about it for too long, so I can't imagine what I'll feel when I actually see him in person.

A part of me wants to reconcile if possible, hoping that maybe he'll want that too. But the more mature part of me realizes that if he's hurt me like this now he'll likely do it again even if we do reconcile things. And also accepts (with a bit of depression) the likelihood that he won't want to reconcile anything with me at all. Either way it's probably best to move on. I just have to get past this event, and then I don't think we'll have to run into each other any more for a long while.
 
BelleRose said:
Thanks, all. This has definitely sucked but I think the worst is over. My partner (George) has been great and allowed me to vent the few times that I have about the breakup with...let's call him Luke.

I've definitely been flipping back and forth between depression and acceptance regarding the stages of grief. And I fully expect to have another bout of it soon because I'll be attending an event Thursday night and I am almost certain that Luke will be there. I don't know whether he'll be unkind or too kind, but I'm trying to be prepared for both. I didn't want to break up, and I don't really know what happened and why he suddenly freaked out and left me despite claiming that he loves me. Also, George will be working that night, so while I have a friend going with me I already know that it will be hard being there, in a sense, "alone". I haven't seen Luke in a month and the last time I did we were happy. I thought. I still get those painful pangs in my chest if I let myself think about it for too long, so I can't imagine what I'll feel when I actually see him in person.

A part of me wants to reconcile if possible, hoping that maybe he'll want that too. But the more mature part of me realizes that if he's hurt me like this now he'll likely do it again even if we do reconcile things. And also accepts (with a bit of depression) the likelihood that he won't want to reconcile anything with me at all. Either way it's probably best to move on. I just have to get past this event, and then I don't think we'll have to run into each other any more for a long while.
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That sounds really hard. Blindsiding is just the worst! So you don't have closure and don't even really know why he broke up with you? It's a terrible place to be, no closure, no agreements to move on. All the fun yummy NRE comes crashing down and your hormones go wild. Have you asked him what happened? Why his feelings so suddenly changed?
 
Hi BelleRose,

I hope that things will go okay at your upcoming event. Wouldn't it be nice if Luke would at least give you some closure, but if he did, consider that a bonus. You are wise to prepare yourself for him being unkind or too kind.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Magdlyn said:
That sounds really hard. Blindsiding is just the worst! So you don't have closure and don't even really know why he broke up with you? It's a terrible place to be, no closure, no agreements to move on. All the fun yummy NRE comes crashing down and your hormones go wild. Have you asked him what happened? Why his feelings so suddenly changed?
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It literally came out of nowhere. One minute we were happy (I thought). The next he started getting distant. Cancelled two of our dates in one week. After the second time I asked if something was wrong and he completely flipped. Told me he felt I was possessive and demanding. When I asked what I’d done to make him feel that way he didn’t answer me directly with any specific behaviors or situations. Then told me he needed to re-center himself and that we should take a month apart and then have dinner to see how “we” feel.

I was so floored. It all happened over text and I couldn’t believe this was the same person. I said a month seemed really extreme. Then he asked for two weeks. At the end of it, as I suspected, he said he didn’t think we could work and we broke up. I asked to talk in person if only for closure and he ignored me.

So...there it is. He kept insisting I was an amazing woman and that he loved me which makes it even worse for me.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi BelleRose,

I hope that things will go okay at your upcoming event. Wouldn't it be nice if Luke would at least give you some closure, but if he did, consider that a bonus. You are wise to prepare yourself for him being unkind or too kind.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Thank you. My wing woman is pretty awesome so I’m hoping even if it completely sucks she’ll have my back lol
 
That does sound pretty hopeful! :D
 
BelleRose said:
It literally came out of nowhere. One minute we were happy (I thought). The next he started getting distant. Cancelled two of our dates in one week. After the second time I asked if something was wrong and he completely flipped. Told me he felt I was possessive and demanding. When I asked what I’d done to make him feel that way he didn’t answer me directly with any specific behaviors or situations. Then told me he needed to re-center himself and that we should take a month apart and then have dinner to see how “we” feel.

I was so floored. It all happened over text and I couldn’t believe this was the same person. I said a month seemed really extreme. Then he asked for two weeks. At the end of it, as I suspected, he said he didn’t think we could work and we broke up. I asked to talk in person if only for closure and he ignored me.

So...there it is. He kept insisting I was an amazing woman and that he loved me which makes it even worse for me.
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That's really sad. A similar thing happened to my partner. It was even more extreme. She'd been seeing him for a year, about 2-4 times a month for an overnight. Then suddenly he said he felt smothered and told her he needed a break which might or might not be permanent!

She knew he was very introverted and this was his first deep relationship. And he'd never had people over to his apartment much at all, not even friends and family.

The good news is that, amazingly, he got back in touch after a year and they've been together ever since. And it's now been 4 more years. And he has her over not just for one weekend late afternoon/evening/night/morning, but quite often for an evening mid week as well! She never pushed him in anyway. I don't know if I could have been that patient, but it worked for her/them!
 
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