Broke the boundary of an open relationship

Delawareginger

New member
Boyfriend of 11 months and I were in an open relationship due to being long distance. I went out every month, at least once or twice to visit. We facetimed and texted daily and had an overall great relationship based on open communication, honesty, and trust. We were both new to an open relationship but we agreed to give it a shot. Our initial rules were no sleepovers, protection, and no romantic partners. Despite one or two hiccups dealing with oversharing, which we healthily worked through, everything was okay. Recently I had a hookup where the condom broke. Before switching to a new one I got caught up in the moment and continued. I corrected this behavior immediately about 15 seconds later and felt awful about it. After the hookup I immediately called him to let him know what happened and to apologize. Initially he said he was either angry or annoyed but didn’t know. I told him to take the time to process. The next day he told me that he became more angry about it and that the relationship was broken beyond repair. Afterwards he broke things off. I had planned to move my entire life out there within the next two months but now I’m not sure. I’m torn between beating myself up over cheating, as that’s what he sees this as, and thinking there had to be more to the breakup than just this. I know I hurt him deeply but I am in such a state of friend because my love for him is just as strong as it was before the incident happened. Im not sure if he needs more time to process or if what I did was really enough to end a previously strong and healthy relationship. What should I do?
 
It sounds like if your bf broke up with you over an accident, where it took you "15 seconds" in the throes of passion to replace the broken condom, he may not be great dating material. That's an extreme reaction to an accident.

(Just btw, if you're only dating others because of long distance circumstances, to relieve horniness I suppose, and have agreed to not have any "romantic partners" other than each other, this is not quite the right forum for you.)
 
Thank you for the insight! I’ve thought about this being a blessing in disguise as if he had no desire to at least work on this, then what else would have broken the relationship?

Also thank you for the suggestion about the forum. While I never saw myself in an open relationship, I did evolve from that so there’s no telling what the future may hold in that regard. Thanks again!
 
Hello Delawareginger,

While I don't think you are some kind of monster for what you did, we do have to acknowledge the way your boyfriend feels, and work within those limits. The first thing I would suggest is to delay your move out to where he lives -- and perhaps delay it permanently, if it turns out he is truly done with you. I don't mean to speak harshly, I am just trying to be very matter-of-fact about the situation. As for how to handle the breakup itself, that is a little tricky because you have to honor his wishes. Like, does he want to hear from you at all? Does he need some time away from the relationship without hearing from you for a while? How clear has he been about what he wants?

If he has said that he is willing to hear from you again (and you must give him as much time and space as he says he needs), then maybe you can contact him sometime, and ask him if he has had any change of heart about the breakup, and if he is willing to renew his relationship with you (under whatever conditions he demands, I suppose). But respect his position and do not ask him if he has changed his mind about the breakup if he has already said that his decision to break up is permanent. I guess I need to know more details about how he broke up with you and what was said, before I can give you any further advice.

Then again, you have to decide whether you would want to get back together with him, even if he is willing. He got very angry over a small incident; are you sure this is the type of man you would want to continue with? Mind you I do not think you would be wrong to answer, "Yes." Maybe the two of you just need some time apart to set the reset button? Regardless it seems like a rough thing to go through, and I do feel for you. Hang in there, and keep us posted if you're willing.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Recently I had a hookup where the condom broke. Before switching to a new one I got caught up in the moment and continued. I corrected this behavior immediately about 15 seconds later and felt awful about it. After the hookup I immediately called him to let him know what happened and to apologize.

So you agree to have an open relationship where it is ok to share sex with othe people.

And things happened. Condom broke. You took corrective action ASAP and made him aware of this event later.

Cuz that DOES happen. Sometimes condoms break.


Initially he said he was either angry or annoyed but didn’t know. I told him to take the time to process. The next day he told me that he became more angry about it and that the relationship was broken beyond repair. Afterwards he broke things off.

Wow. Wigging out. This is overreaction. Better to me would have been

"Ok. That stinks that a condom broke. I appreciate you being honest with me about it though and trying to correct ASAP. Let's sort out getting new sex health labs. Let's take this one day at a time. Hopefully all get good news with their labs."

I think you dodged a bullet.

Cuz this is a risk of sharing condom sex -- in monogamy OR non-monogamy. Condoms sometimes break. Where is surprise?

Good luck to him in his perfect life where NOTHING ever goes off script and accidents never happen. Sheesh.

I had planned to move my entire life out there within the next two months but now I’m not sure.

Move if you want to or not.

But don't date this guy any more either way.

I’m torn between beating myself up over cheating, as that’s what he sees this as, and thinking there had to be more to the breakup than just this.

This is not cheating. This is life happens, and you deal with it appropriately. Jeez!

There doesn't have to BE more to it than he takes things personally. Gets all mad at you over an accident. And this makes him not great as a partner. Not esp emotionally resilient, kinda hot head, and doesn't take bad news well.

I know I hurt him deeply but I am in such a state of friend because my love for him is just as strong as it was before the incident happened. Im not sure if he needs more time to process or if what I did was really enough to end a previously strong and healthy relationship. What should I do?

I think you could give you more time to process this.

He JUST dumped you. And you probably are like "Whaaat?" because you dealt with unexpected adult life problems appropriately. A condom broke. You fixed it right away. And made him aware so he could make his sex health decisions.

Instead of saying "Thanks for informing me" and being calm about it because you are doing the RESPONSIBLE THING? He had a cow.

So now you have to change your mind and accept this relationship was not actually as solid as you thought. This is all it took to topple it on his end.

I suggest you move on to doing your sex health labs. And follow ups.

Heal from the break up. And then date people who can actually deal with being responsible non-monogamists without freaking out.

You didn't do this on purpose. Jeez.
 
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To temper down the "this is a closed case" reactions you received so far - you can date emotionally unstable people if you want to. Maybe he has other traits that make it worth it despite the occasional way-over-the-top reaction. The breakup is fresh, need not be final, he may reconsider in a few days if you don't panic and keep the door open for him.
In any case, I agree you did nothing wrong, and it may very well be a great thing for you to just let him go.
 
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