A lot of you know my story. For those of you who don't, we can touch on that later. But I came upon a realization over the last couple of weeks that I'm just not the same person anymore. Things have changed for the foreseeable future, and not in a way I would classify as better.
We've been to a couple of weddings recently. And it was there when it hit me. I look around & see all of these smiling faces in the seats, and some tears. I assume are tears of joy. It's a wedding after all. But I found myself feeling more sad then happy. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing against either of the couples. I've known them for years and they're all great people. But a part of me wanted to stand up & warn them not to do it.
It saddened me because even though I love my wife, I know that nothing is the same. She lied to me, she emotionally abandoned me, and she crushed my spirit. I have no desire to leave the marriage, but at this point, it's only because I feel guilty about not taking care of her. But I have definitely realized that if I could have gone back to do it over again, I would have never married her. I love my kids of course, but that's unrelated to this as far as I'm concerned.
I'm not devastated or depressed by this feeling, but I do feel a sense of disappointment over realizing that I've accepted it.
I've mentioned before about my sense of privacy concerning things in the bedroom, so no extreme detail here, but it's been very infrequent. Like 2 or 3 times since May. And the weird part is, I don't even miss it. It's not that I don't find her physically attractive, but on an emotional level, I just don't have any interest. Before all of this, I felt like I needed it daily. If we hit a dry spell of a week or so, I would get antsy. I wonder if my having to retrain my brain into the whole "sex is no big deal" mindset, caused me to lose interest in it almost completely.
Long story short ( I know, too late), the spark feels like it's gone for good. I don't look at her in the same way as I used to. It doesn't feel the least bit romantic on my end.
We've been to a couple of weddings recently. And it was there when it hit me. I look around & see all of these smiling faces in the seats, and some tears. I assume are tears of joy. It's a wedding after all. But I found myself feeling more sad then happy. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing against either of the couples. I've known them for years and they're all great people. But a part of me wanted to stand up & warn them not to do it.
It saddened me because even though I love my wife, I know that nothing is the same. She lied to me, she emotionally abandoned me, and she crushed my spirit. I have no desire to leave the marriage, but at this point, it's only because I feel guilty about not taking care of her. But I have definitely realized that if I could have gone back to do it over again, I would have never married her. I love my kids of course, but that's unrelated to this as far as I'm concerned.
I'm not devastated or depressed by this feeling, but I do feel a sense of disappointment over realizing that I've accepted it.
I've mentioned before about my sense of privacy concerning things in the bedroom, so no extreme detail here, but it's been very infrequent. Like 2 or 3 times since May. And the weird part is, I don't even miss it. It's not that I don't find her physically attractive, but on an emotional level, I just don't have any interest. Before all of this, I felt like I needed it daily. If we hit a dry spell of a week or so, I would get antsy. I wonder if my having to retrain my brain into the whole "sex is no big deal" mindset, caused me to lose interest in it almost completely.
Long story short ( I know, too late), the spark feels like it's gone for good. I don't look at her in the same way as I used to. It doesn't feel the least bit romantic on my end.