Broken hearted lost bf and losing marriage
- Thread starter Polywife12
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I agree with KC43 and Dagferi. Get yourself sorted out first.
Could stop linking those two. Treat each section separately.
You could divorce someone because you longer want to be his wife. And yes. Divorce is final.... It means the end of the marital union. You could still be willing to be friends and still hang out with him post divorce or doing the coparenting you need to be doing. But could STOP being in a marriage you do not want. To free both you and him from the marital bond.
You are already doing that. Nothing new.
Neither are you doing anything to make it more certain.
You are willing to date him at this time, like this. Separated but not divorced.
He is not willing to date you at this time like this. Because your marriage situation is not resolved. It is messy and you keep on pestering him while he is torn rather than attending to your business to become less messy to date. He does not want to cut you out ugly, but you won't leave him be either.
You told him if he returned the feelings you would move forward with the divorce. Maybe he does not want you to get a divorce FOR him. Get one if you need to for YOU but don't bring him into it. Respect his limit and do not talk to him until your marriage situation is resolved one way or another. Your husband does not want to polyship so definite resolution sounds like divorce to me.
So yes. If you do not want to be married, divorce the husband. Finish up with the old before trying to start something new with the love of your life soul mate BF. Will it work out? Who knows. But that comes AFTER you finish with the husband. You already found out it does not work concurrently.
And if the BF does not see himself dating you til two or three years into future, yes. It could mean you get a divorce to wrap up the old. Then you could choose to be on your own two or three years. Maybe dating others in the meanwhile, maybe not. Get stable again and not so wobbly wonky.
That is the price of admission at this time if you want another shot at relationship with the BF.
You could not get involved in the fundraiser just to be in his orbit. Instead tend to your business and wrap up what needs doing so you can be free to date him with no strings attached. Ask him out THEN.
Otherwise it could come off like you are a person who wants to use him as exit strategy from the husband or use the husband as the back up plan somehow... Or like you want the bf to tell you what to do. Neither is especially attractive to me. Maybe not to the bf either.
Are you able to see how it could seem that way?
I am sorry you continue to struggle with all this. But I encourage you to sort things out and stabilize first. Get rid of things you do not want. Like the marriage. Then go after things you do want. Like relationship with bf. In that order with healthy spaces in between.
Galagirl
Could stop linking those two. Treat each section separately.
You could divorce someone because you longer want to be his wife. And yes. Divorce is final.... It means the end of the marital union. You could still be willing to be friends and still hang out with him post divorce or doing the coparenting you need to be doing. But could STOP being in a marriage you do not want. To free both you and him from the marital bond.
You are already doing that. Nothing new.
Neither are you doing anything to make it more certain.
You are willing to date him at this time, like this. Separated but not divorced.
He is not willing to date you at this time like this. Because your marriage situation is not resolved. It is messy and you keep on pestering him while he is torn rather than attending to your business to become less messy to date. He does not want to cut you out ugly, but you won't leave him be either.
You told him if he returned the feelings you would move forward with the divorce. Maybe he does not want you to get a divorce FOR him. Get one if you need to for YOU but don't bring him into it. Respect his limit and do not talk to him until your marriage situation is resolved one way or another. Your husband does not want to polyship so definite resolution sounds like divorce to me.
So yes. If you do not want to be married, divorce the husband. Finish up with the old before trying to start something new with the love of your life soul mate BF. Will it work out? Who knows. But that comes AFTER you finish with the husband. You already found out it does not work concurrently.
And if the BF does not see himself dating you til two or three years into future, yes. It could mean you get a divorce to wrap up the old. Then you could choose to be on your own two or three years. Maybe dating others in the meanwhile, maybe not. Get stable again and not so wobbly wonky.
That is the price of admission at this time if you want another shot at relationship with the BF.
You could not get involved in the fundraiser just to be in his orbit. Instead tend to your business and wrap up what needs doing so you can be free to date him with no strings attached. Ask him out THEN.
Otherwise it could come off like you are a person who wants to use him as exit strategy from the husband or use the husband as the back up plan somehow... Or like you want the bf to tell you what to do. Neither is especially attractive to me. Maybe not to the bf either.
Are you able to see how it could seem that way?
I am sorry you continue to struggle with all this. But I encourage you to sort things out and stabilize first. Get rid of things you do not want. Like the marriage. Then go after things you do want. Like relationship with bf. In that order with healthy spaces in between.
Galagirl
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Hello Polywife12,
I just have one question:
What do you want to do?
I think I know what you want "B" to do. You want him to contact you, meet you, talk to you, be with you, and be one with you.
But what do you want yourself to do? right here and now, with things just as they are.
Assume that no one (except maybe you) is ever going to start doing anything differently than what they're doing right now. Then with that assumption in mind, ask yourself:
What do you want to do?
This is the thing you have to figure out, because there is a plethora of possible things you could do -- and just as many ways you could justify doing those things.
So nevermind all that justification for a moment. Just ask youself ... What do you want to do?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I just have one question:
What do you want to do?
I think I know what you want "B" to do. You want him to contact you, meet you, talk to you, be with you, and be one with you.
But what do you want yourself to do? right here and now, with things just as they are.
Assume that no one (except maybe you) is ever going to start doing anything differently than what they're doing right now. Then with that assumption in mind, ask yourself:
What do you want to do?
This is the thing you have to figure out, because there is a plethora of possible things you could do -- and just as many ways you could justify doing those things.
So nevermind all that justification for a moment. Just ask youself ... What do you want to do?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Polywife12
New member
How Kevin and Galagirl you both presented interesting points.
Kevin your right, I been thinking about what I want and honestly being alone scares the shit out of me. I do want B, but it's gotta be mutual. The only other thing I could do to make it more possible is divorce my husband, But I fear and not wanting to upset the family for the unknown is scary after 22 years of getting along with him:'( i would probably still want to be with my husband if I knew B was out of the question.
Therefore Galagirl, this is why I keep linking the two together. I enjoy my life with my husband but there are things about B that my husband cannot give me and I feel I need at this point in my life.
Thanks for giving me so much to consider. Just shows me more that this is not a decision I can make without truly separating from my husband. As it stands I see him every weekend and we go out to dinner sometimes even have sex, But it's not helping me to make a decision. My husband also thinks if I want B, we should offically divorce and we can remain friends. I really wouldn't have left my husband if I didn't meet and fall in love with B. But I did so I can't pretend I didn't......... I know that's not good cause he truly will be the reason for mydivorce if there is one, which I know B wants no part of. I think I'm just going to seperate myself from my husband as much as I can and see who I miss more.
Kevin your right, I been thinking about what I want and honestly being alone scares the shit out of me. I do want B, but it's gotta be mutual. The only other thing I could do to make it more possible is divorce my husband, But I fear and not wanting to upset the family for the unknown is scary after 22 years of getting along with him:'( i would probably still want to be with my husband if I knew B was out of the question.
Therefore Galagirl, this is why I keep linking the two together. I enjoy my life with my husband but there are things about B that my husband cannot give me and I feel I need at this point in my life.
Thanks for giving me so much to consider. Just shows me more that this is not a decision I can make without truly separating from my husband. As it stands I see him every weekend and we go out to dinner sometimes even have sex, But it's not helping me to make a decision. My husband also thinks if I want B, we should offically divorce and we can remain friends. I really wouldn't have left my husband if I didn't meet and fall in love with B. But I did so I can't pretend I didn't......... I know that's not good cause he truly will be the reason for mydivorce if there is one, which I know B wants no part of. I think I'm just going to seperate myself from my husband as much as I can and see who I miss more.
Actually I'm confused on the point about (divorcing) your husband. Didn't you say B was polyamorous? If so, then B shouldn't mind if you stay married to your husband, should he?
Is this a matter of your husband not wanting you to be with B as long as you and your husband are still married?
I mean the whole point in polyamory is that one partner can bring some things to the table, while another partner can bring other things to the table. So, could you just keep your husband and have B as well? What's your take on that?
Is this a matter of your husband not wanting you to be with B as long as you and your husband are still married?
I mean the whole point in polyamory is that one partner can bring some things to the table, while another partner can bring other things to the table. So, could you just keep your husband and have B as well? What's your take on that?
Polywife12
New member
Yes, well both B and my husband don't want that kind of relationship any more. The thing is I know I'll never be completely happy with only my husband again. Which will deff weifh heavily when I spend time away trying to figure out what I want.
I would have no problem being monogamous with B though.
I would have no problem being monogamous with B though.
Polywife12
New member
Which will definitely weigh heavily when I spend time away trying to figure out what I want.*
Ohhhh, okay; that does make a difference. Well then I do advise you to divorce your husband -- and it sounds like you can do so amicably, which is awesome. The two of you can still be friends and can even be there for each other when either of you gets in a jam. Is that right?
If your ... ex-husband (okay soon-to-be ex) becomes an occasional FWB, is that something you and/or B would have a problem with? (If the answer is "Yes," then sex with your soon-to-be ex would need to be terminated as well.)
Just do what you need to do to move on with your life and be happy, is the point. If you and B have a future together, great. But you already know your husband isn't the guy you really need, right?
If your ... ex-husband (okay soon-to-be ex) becomes an occasional FWB, is that something you and/or B would have a problem with? (If the answer is "Yes," then sex with your soon-to-be ex would need to be terminated as well.)
Just do what you need to do to move on with your life and be happy, is the point. If you and B have a future together, great. But you already know your husband isn't the guy you really need, right?
Polywife12
New member
Yes you are correct Kevin. We can still remain friends and as far as fwb with my soon to be ex. idk how B would feel about that But I assume if I'm with him then it would be an issue. But since I'm not with him he really doesn't get to have any say until something changes in our relationship.
Thank you for bringing up such good aspects to take under consideration.
Thank you for bringing up such good aspects to take under consideration.
Let me see if I get where this currently is at... You correct me if I get it wrong ok?
In other words, your preferences for transition are....
Is that where this is at this time?
Galagirl
- Neither husband or B want to be in polyship.
- You do not want monoship with husband. You would prefer monoship with B.
- B does not want to date you as a separated but not divorced person. Too weird for him.
- Husband is ok with divorce and being friends.
- You do not like the idea of being on your own for a time in between ending one relationship and starting another.
In other words, your preferences for transition are....
- Be with B while divorcing husband to avoid being alone in transition.
- If B is not up for that, then just stick with husband. Even though you are not happy married to husband and do not want monoship with him.
- You rather be unhappy married to husband with his company than be scared learning how to be alone free of the marriage you do not want.
- Even though being free of the marriage you do not want could help you eventually move forward with monoship with B...which you do want.
Is that where this is at this time?
Galagirl
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Polywife12
New member
NO lol
Want to be with B
don't mind divorce if B wants to be with me
If B doesn't want to be with me I still want to be with my husband just not monogamous
The fear is being alone and loosing my husband to go after B which is uncertain
Yes I can divorce amicably and possibly still have a sexual and go out with husband while divorcing..... also I would hurt my kids and family
Want to be with B
don't mind divorce if B wants to be with me
If B doesn't want to be with me I still want to be with my husband just not monogamous
The fear is being alone and loosing my husband to go after B which is uncertain
Yes I can divorce amicably and possibly still have a sexual and go out with husband while divorcing..... also I would hurt my kids and family
Everyone else has set their boundaries:
-Husband would continue the marriage, but does not want poly.
-B wants no part of the break up of your marriage, and will make no promises in regard to the future.
So, the only certain course not be alone is to be mono with your husband.
The only course to possibly have B in your life is to divorce and be alone - but there is still no guarantee.
Those are your choices.
-Husband would continue the marriage, but does not want poly.
-B wants no part of the break up of your marriage, and will make no promises in regard to the future.
So, the only certain course not be alone is to be mono with your husband.
The only course to possibly have B in your life is to divorce and be alone - but there is still no guarantee.
Those are your choices.
How does that work when husband does not want polyshipping?
Husband is willing to be friends after divorce. He is not lost.
Do you mean you fear pursuing B and him still not wanting a romantic relationship with you? Not polydating and married you, not separated you, not even divorced and newly single you?
You do not want to go through changes to find yourself without a romantic partner/lover person? Not husband any more? And not B?
Galagirl
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Polywife12
New member
Thank u
I think this has been made clear enough.
I know what I need to do now.
I need to be without both and be alone
I need to start straightening out things for me and figuring out what I want.
I want B, that's why i tried with the whole separation thing and it backfired. The only way he'll probably reconsider is if the separation is very long term or I divorce. At this point I'm not sure if i can do that or want to But I have to try. It will either make things more possible with B or impossible if I find myself leaning back toward my husband.
I know I will be looking for some kind of connection during this trial period, what is the feedback on having a fwb during this trial period (not being my husband)?
I think this has been made clear enough.
I know what I need to do now.
I need to be without both and be alone
I need to start straightening out things for me and figuring out what I want.
I want B, that's why i tried with the whole separation thing and it backfired. The only way he'll probably reconsider is if the separation is very long term or I divorce. At this point I'm not sure if i can do that or want to But I have to try. It will either make things more possible with B or impossible if I find myself leaning back toward my husband.
I know I will be looking for some kind of connection during this trial period, what is the feedback on having a fwb during this trial period (not being my husband)?
I know some people will hang around with people they do not like, just to avoid being alone. I don't get this. Maybe you don't like yourself? Maybe you have abandonment issues? Could get some therapy to get healthier about being happy alone. Being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely. Being around unsatisfactory people who don't please you can feel more lonely than actually being alone.
Don't ever leave one partner FOR another. Leave Partner 1 for your OWN health and well being. Once you are healthy and stronger, you will attract lovers. Someone better than B even! Forget about this soulmate stuff. It sounds like co-dependence is an issue here.
Divorce husband, get therapy, learn to love yourself, alone or in company. Your kids are adults and will deal. This is 2014, we don't need to stay married to keep up a facade of happiness. We don't owe anyone that! That's bullshit.
Frankly, B being drunk and asking for your help in some fundraiser sounds kinda icky. This situation calls for sober thought, not booze on his end, and manipulation on your end.
Don't ever leave one partner FOR another. Leave Partner 1 for your OWN health and well being. Once you are healthy and stronger, you will attract lovers. Someone better than B even! Forget about this soulmate stuff. It sounds like co-dependence is an issue here.
Divorce husband, get therapy, learn to love yourself, alone or in company. Your kids are adults and will deal. This is 2014, we don't need to stay married to keep up a facade of happiness. We don't owe anyone that! That's bullshit.
Frankly, B being drunk and asking for your help in some fundraiser sounds kinda icky. This situation calls for sober thought, not booze on his end, and manipulation on your end.
I mean this kindly, ok?
Honestly? I think the less people involved in this drama the better.
I think sex share can easily lead to stronger feelings. Involving some other person in this triangle sounds like potential mess to me:
I am with Magdyln on seeking professional help.
To me you sound like you could need more help and support at this time as you sort your stuff than what Internet people could realistically help with.
Could seek counseling first, not a stop gap lover.
I am sorry you struggle. It is ok to be scared, unsure. Take it one thing at a time.
Galagirl
Honestly? I think the less people involved in this drama the better.
I think sex share can easily lead to stronger feelings. Involving some other person in this triangle sounds like potential mess to me:
- You don't sound like you are good at boundaries at this time to me... so keeping FWB as a FWB only? Not sure you can do that. Why risk more mess? Just for sex? Have friends, go out... but tread with caution there with taking on a third lover. Because then instead of having to pick from 2 guys, you could have to pick from 3 if you and FWB hit it off. You aren't especially decisive sounding with 2 on the line. I do not see how 3 on the line is easier.
- What if the FWB is not a person of good character? I have doubts that healthy people are going to be attracted to this situation. Those that ARE attracted to this? I would be wondering exactly what they are after. You are in a vulnerable time and not eager to be alone...making you an easy target for whatever smooth talker that comes along that might have less than honorable intentions.
I am with Magdyln on seeking professional help.
To me you sound like you could need more help and support at this time as you sort your stuff than what Internet people could realistically help with.
Could seek counseling first, not a stop gap lover.
I am sorry you struggle. It is ok to be scared, unsure. Take it one thing at a time.
Galagirl
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To me, bringing an FWB into the situation as you transition from being married to being divorced is worse than staying married or trying to push B into a relationship he's said he doesn't currently want, because you would be pulling a THIRD man into your current situation, and potentially into drama and complications he wouldn't want to handle.
If by "connection" you mean sexual... no. I wouldn't advise that during your transition time, because you run the risk of developing feelings or losing boundaries with yet another person. If you need sex... solo works. Not as much fun, maybe, but it works.
If by "connection" you mean support and someone to talk to... join a support group. Talk to platonic friends (I'm assuming you have some, which you may not; some don't, and that's okay). Talk to your adult child(ren); you'd be surprised, once a kid grows up and becomes an adult, how much help they can be to their parents if they're willing.
And definitely seek counseling, because it sounds--and I'm sorry if this is harsh--like you need to work on your self-esteem, on setting boundaries for yourself, and on respecting others' boundaries before you will be able to find and maintain a healthy sexual and/or romantic relationship.
If by "connection" you mean sexual... no. I wouldn't advise that during your transition time, because you run the risk of developing feelings or losing boundaries with yet another person. If you need sex... solo works. Not as much fun, maybe, but it works.
If by "connection" you mean support and someone to talk to... join a support group. Talk to platonic friends (I'm assuming you have some, which you may not; some don't, and that's okay). Talk to your adult child(ren); you'd be surprised, once a kid grows up and becomes an adult, how much help they can be to their parents if they're willing.
And definitely seek counseling, because it sounds--and I'm sorry if this is harsh--like you need to work on your self-esteem, on setting boundaries for yourself, and on respecting others' boundaries before you will be able to find and maintain a healthy sexual and/or romantic relationship.
Counseling sounds like a good idea.
Re: having a casual FWB during this trial period ... doesn't sound to me personally like a problem, unless of course you become overly dependent on the FWB. Just because you're single doesn't mean you can't have friends and a social life. Just means you're not tied down to any one particular relationship.
Might also be a good idea to have more conversations with B and "S2BX" to find out exactly where they stand on specific details. Watch out for assumptions, they have an amazing tendency to turn out being mistaken -- no matter how obvious they may seem. Don't assume anything. Ask the person (be it B or S2BX or whomever) and get direct confirmation (one way or the other).
I know it is scary to be on your own, but you can do this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Re: having a casual FWB during this trial period ... doesn't sound to me personally like a problem, unless of course you become overly dependent on the FWB. Just because you're single doesn't mean you can't have friends and a social life. Just means you're not tied down to any one particular relationship.
Might also be a good idea to have more conversations with B and "S2BX" to find out exactly where they stand on specific details. Watch out for assumptions, they have an amazing tendency to turn out being mistaken -- no matter how obvious they may seem. Don't assume anything. Ask the person (be it B or S2BX or whomever) and get direct confirmation (one way or the other).
I know it is scary to be on your own, but you can do this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
(((hugs)))
You're already living alone and managing, right? It sounds like it's more the idea of being single, a divorced woman, after being married for so long.
It's true, you will need to reinvent yourself. I have to, to an extent right now myself, when a relationship of only 2 1/2 years was taking a shape I didn't want. I had certain plans with my xbf, and now that is gone, I kind of feel rootless. But I am doing the best I can to accept. and feel my way through the grief, and heal. I still have a dear girlfriend, of course, so I am not at square one.
I know it is doable to reinvent oneself! I separated and divorced my husband a few years ago, but I was ready to not be his wife. We had been together since 1974, over 30 years. Separated in '08, divorced in '11. Happily, I am now living a much more authentic life. We'd matured in different directions. It happens. Life changes happen, people grow apart.
We tried to make it work, did therapy, etc., but couldn't stay together. Our divorce was nice and amicable from the insights we got from therapy.
It's kind of pointless to hold on to an idea, or delusion, that has played out. Staying married when it's not working anymore... the alternative, to be reborn, to live an authentic life, is so much healthier and happier! I split from my x h and lived alone for 4 years, even though I was lucky to find my dear gf shortly after my separation.
You're already living alone and managing, right? It sounds like it's more the idea of being single, a divorced woman, after being married for so long.
It's true, you will need to reinvent yourself. I have to, to an extent right now myself, when a relationship of only 2 1/2 years was taking a shape I didn't want. I had certain plans with my xbf, and now that is gone, I kind of feel rootless. But I am doing the best I can to accept. and feel my way through the grief, and heal. I still have a dear girlfriend, of course, so I am not at square one.
I know it is doable to reinvent oneself! I separated and divorced my husband a few years ago, but I was ready to not be his wife. We had been together since 1974, over 30 years. Separated in '08, divorced in '11. Happily, I am now living a much more authentic life. We'd matured in different directions. It happens. Life changes happen, people grow apart.
We tried to make it work, did therapy, etc., but couldn't stay together. Our divorce was nice and amicable from the insights we got from therapy.
It's kind of pointless to hold on to an idea, or delusion, that has played out. Staying married when it's not working anymore... the alternative, to be reborn, to live an authentic life, is so much healthier and happier! I split from my x h and lived alone for 4 years, even though I was lucky to find my dear gf shortly after my separation.
Too me it doesn't look like any of the involved people are poly. Polywife12 is not poly herself because she was unable to keep her feelings for her husband when she fell in love with another man (B).
So for me this seems totally unrelated to polyamory. Seems more like a dirty history of monogamy and cheating.
So for me this seems totally unrelated to polyamory. Seems more like a dirty history of monogamy and cheating.