Building self worth after trust was broken

[Norah]

Hello friends. I'm new to the forum, not to the community. I am 32F, my husband is 40. We have practiced ENM since the beginning of our relationship 9 years ago. It's has been mostly smooth, with conflict sprouting from my own jealousy and insecurity. I have a therapist and a handful of close friends with whom I am able to explore and resolve these feelings. I've read many, but not all, of the pinned literature.

[...]

After reading quite a few posts and responses on this forum, I know I'm not alone in dealing with feelings of insecure attachments and broken trust. I know it is my responsibility to manage these feelings, and be gentle with my words and actions. I'm looking for specific questions to reflect upon, or strategies I can use to build up my own resilience and self worth, while working to appreciate the risks and rewards of choosing to love openly.

Thank you.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Norah,

I'm sorry your husband violated your trust. I realize he was drunk at the time, but while that puts his actions into perspective, it does not excuse his actions. You need some kind of reassurance beyond, "I won't do it again." For example, maybe he should commit to not drink while he is on a date, as he has shown that he can't handle himself responsibly when he is drinking. Yes, you have your own difficult feelings to work through, but it is largely on him to give you reason to trust him again. Talk is cheap, it's what he does that makes the difference. And you need more time. Three months is not enough for you to build your self-worth. You need to be able to feel that he is not walking all over you, that he is not using your kindness and forgiveness as carte blanche to do whatever he wants. Tell him that you need him to promise not to drink anymore on his dates.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I hear that this slip-up happened soon after you finally legally married your husband. It seems like more than a coincidence, maybe?

Is he in the habit of getting so drunk that he does stupid things like this? He's not a kid. He's 40. Did this seem out of character?

Are you afraid he regrets getting married?

Have you or he ever had individual or couple's counseling? Would you consider it? Would he?

For now, insist he use condoms with you as well as his other partner(s). Never mind pregnancies-- he needs to be tested for STIs, and so do you, and so does this partner, and then everyone needs to be retested in three months! Let him know these are the consequences of his actions.

Even if he and his partner are tested regularly, and she had a clean bill of health, your test results can change after one sex session with someone else. Does she have other partners? Does she allow them to have bareback sex with her too?

I don't think of this as "cheating." I think of it as a mistake with far-reaching consequences and implications. To me, breaking a promise is not cheating. But that's just semantics.

I don't know why YOUR self esteem is taking a hit. He's the one who fucked up. Unless you think you made a mistake in marrying him?!

Also, you're young. Are you considering starting a family? Do you want him to be sure not to father a child with anyone else, so that he's available to be an involved father to your potential children?

 

[Evie]

Healing and forgiveness has been initiated by all parties, me forgiving my husband, me forgiving the friend, the friend forgiving my husband, and husband forgiving himself.

Out of curiosity, what about the husband forgiving the friend? They were just as responsible for no condom.

 

[Bobbi]

Most days, I feel okay, and like we are navigating our life after infidelity pretty well. However, there are some days that the betrayal is overwhelming.

This seems overwhelming. Why do you choose to see this as a betrayal and infidelity? I think the words you choose have a HUGE impact on how you feel about a situation.

I know my partner and I have the same agreement. An agreement that can be broken either by choosing to autonomously do something different (he is his own person, you don't own him) or making a mistake. I choose not to see either of these things a betrayal or infidelity. If this happened to me I would be hurt, for sure, but just because now I'll be using condoms with him when I really don't want to. To me, a betrayal would be not telling me before he had sex with me after the incident.

Lying is what breaks trust, not telling the truth.

Be cautious of calling it a betrayal, because if telling the truth is a betrayal, then he might be less inclined to tell you the truth in the future, if the consequences are too harsh for the mistake. They were drunk. It was a mistake. He told you right away. You were not harmed in any way, even if your heart hurts a bit.

I encourage you to accept that he was not malicious, made a mistake, feels bad about it and would understand if you want to use condoms until everyone's tests come out negative or are treated. This is not the end of the world.

In polyamory we all have rules or agreements that can be broken. We must accept that this can happen and know they have limits we cannot impose. The best way to navigate is by creating boundaries you put on YOURSELF that you CAN enforce.

Instead of having the rule or agreement that we always use condoms with others, instead you create a boundary for you and let your partner know. "I will not have unbarriered sex with someone that has unbarriered sex with others," and if he chooses not to use a condom or makes a mistake, then you enforce your boundary by using condoms with him until you are satisfied he's safe to go without again.

Changing your perspective can free your emotions and rid yourself of the stress and pain of certain situations.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened.

The one hard and fast request that has been continuously agreed upon by both of us is that we always use a condom with metas, unless previously discussed. From what I understand, this is a commonly accepted exception to the no rules nature of polyamory.

I don't know where you got the idea that polyamory means "no rules." Some people want less commitments and and others want MORE commitments with their poly practice. People are different.

It sounds like husband and friend both owned it immediately afterwards, and apologized. Was it a full apology though, that included changes in behavior?

As a woman with a functioning reproductive system, this request is important to me to preserve my own safety, and the safety of those I love.

On your end, since you value that, will you start using condoms with your spouse now, so if there's another breech on his side (intentional or not) you have been using your safer-sex practices on your side to help keep you safe? Are you both going to have regular STD labs done?

When you leave it to him to protect you, you are passing the responsibility onto him. I think you could be the one taking care of your body, while he takes care of his, rather than "trading," so to speak.

Will he be giving up drinking on dates, going into things SOBER and not messing up like that again? Will he be carrying condoms with him at all times? Will he change how he talks about sex with people, so that ONE of them has condoms?

How about the friend? Was this a one-time thing, or are they going to keep dating/sharing sex? Are you okay with husband dating your friends, or are they on the "messy list" for you, i.e., people you prefer your husband does NOT date because it makes it too weird for you or takes away your support network if there's a problem? You probably do not want your husband dating your parents, your boss at work, your best friend who is your sounding board, YKWIM?

Think about a full apology and changes in behavior. To me, it sounds like initial steps have been taken, but you are all still working it out. It's not yesterday, but 3 months since the incident is not that long, and since it came when it did, it sounds like it dinged you extra.

You JUST changed your name to his. You two had only been married 6 months. Maybe you were hoping to enjoy the first year of being newlyweds without turbulence and here came some stuff. It's disappointing.

Maybe this means you slow down any other "marriage mergers" still pending. You changed your last name to his. But maybe you keep your own finances mostly separate and only have one joint checking account for house bills, if you live together. Maybe you aren't in a rush to change your will yet. Maybe you postpone family planning if you were talking about it. Things like that. Cuz it's easier to divorce with no kids than with kids.

But I don't get where YOUR self worth comes into this. He messed up. Why's that make YOU a bad person or less valuable? Could you be willing to clarify?

Galagirl