Bun's introduction

Bun

New member
Hey Everyone,
I am happy that I found this forum.
I am 39 years old (very soon to be 40 :LOL:) and have a 17 years old daughter. I have lived in a monogamous marriage for over 14 years, however I think I have always been open to poliamory, or "poli ways of thinking" in a way, even during my marriage. I have never been cheating on anyone ever, always tried to be honest, which was very difficult with someone who wanted to owe me fully, and also because I have never heard of poliamory before, I did not know how to communicate what I feel.
However, after my marriage ended I met my current partner. He has a wife, which I have known about from the beginning. They have an open relationship in a way, so his wife has known about me from the beginning too. In a way I think she was not entirely OK with our relationship, because it became much more serious than it should have been (according to what they agreed on), so this triangle became something new for everyone, the rules changed on the go.

After 2,5 years of relationship we have been introduced to each other with his wife and daughter and it seemed this was a positive change to the relationship(s). Now we all live together which has started with me looking for a new apartment to buy and having issues with the owner of the apartment I rented (I had to leave immediately so they helped me by moving me to their house). Now it has been decided it would be great if I also live here. My partner says he likes that I am also here, and it seems his wife also does not mind it, we like each other a lot. We as a "triad" are still new to poliamor relationship in this depth, so we are on a learning path, all of us.

I am straight so I do not have romantic relationship with my partner's wife, is it more like a friendship or something close (bit less and bit more in the same time).
I thought it would be great to register to this forum because I cannot really talk about this much with anyone but them, and it would also be great to read about others and maybe to find some new friends who has similar ways of thinking. So I am also very open to get to know others who are interested.

Thanks for reading through :)
 

TXretired

Active member
Welcome. It sound like you are moving in a positive direction. Thanks for the upbeat news.
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Hi Bun

We call your set up a V rather than a triad, since you and your (shared) partner's wife (your metamour or just meta) are not involved with each other.

I sounds like it was unfortunate circumstances that meant you all started living together, but you're making it work now. I hope you still have your money safely banked or invested if you need to move out.

I'm sorry you don't have other people to talk with this about. Perhaps finding a local polyamory meetup group would be worth it. Or creating one if you can't find one.

All the best with your evolving situation!
 
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Bun

New member
Hi Bun

We call your set up a V rather than a triad, since you and your (shared) partner's wife (your metamour or just meta) are not involved with each other.

I sounds like it was unfortunate circumstances that meant you all started living together, but you're making it work now. I hope you still have your money safely banked or invested if you need to move out.

I'm sorry you don't have other people to talk with this about. Perhaps finding a local polyamory meetup group would be worth it. Or creating one if you can't find one.

All the best with your evolving situation!
Hi Evie,

Thanks really much for your response. I am so new to this I am not yet familiar with the definitions and tags, thanks for the corrections about it, it will be easier to refer it correctly.

The situation was unfortunate however we (my meta - call her C - and I) think that T (call him T) has been thinking about it for a while before making the move and asking me. First he suggested I move in so I can search for a while in no hurry as at that time I was not sure what kind of apartment to buy exactly. The unfortunate situation just came that it had to be very very quick. T had other relationships before me however none of them went that far neither in time and being so close to each other. Due to our circimstances at that time we bonded very strongly and as you can see I stayed and never thought about this relationship in the classic way.
So this step and what comes next is new to him too, therefore I think his original intention was we try and see.

Yes my money is safe, actually we decided that I still buy my apartment and the rest of the money will be banked (I sold a more expensive flat in the capital city and we leave in a small town where houses and flats are much cheaper). This was T's idea actually because he wanted me to be safe and to have my own in case it is needed. Also it is a good solution for some 'interim but longer term problems', we can use the flat any time we need. Actually I wanted to ask how you can 'coming out' to friends, family, neighbours?
We live in a non-accepting country where as time goes more and more people are accepting (anything which is not straight or mono) but still if we for example come out in the neighbourhood it would be very bad. For this reason we told the neighbours I am T's sister. Because we also work together (in our own company) nobody is asking anything about it.
For the same reason we were telling very little to the 4 yo and we pay attention not to raise her like having two moms, but more like having a mom and an auntie. We do not want her to be shamed in the kindergarden and later in school for something which is totally normal for her (she loves me a lot). It works well, does not bother me, however I have mixed feeling about how it will develop in the future. I am worried how it will impact her, or if we should do this better somehow.
My 17 yo knows everything as is and she is very accepting and happy that she sees me happy and belonging to somewhere.

I tried to find local groups with not much luck, also somehow I feel safer here so I am hopeful to find some online friends here for now.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Bun,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You are very welcome here on Polyamory.com, and you will be able to make some new like-minded friends here, all you have to do is continue to read and post, and people will respond. Fireplace and General Poly Discussions might be good places to start.

It is up to you whether you come out as poly, many people (myself included) stay in the "poly closet," and that is okay. Some of us just have too much to lose by coming out, and there's no rule that says we have to come out. On the other hand, if you really want to come out, and are willing to take some risks, that is okay too.

As for the four-year-old, I would be willing to honestly answer any questions she may have as she grows older. This may include telling her about poly if she asks, but if she wants to know, she deserves to know. That's my take on it anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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Bun

New member
It is up to you whether you come out as poly, many people (myself included) stay in the "poly closet," and that is okay. Some of us just have too much to lose by coming out, and there's no rule that says we have to come out. On the other hand, if you really want to come out, and are willing to take some risks, that is okay too.
Hi Kevin,

Thank you so much for your warm welcome message :)
It is interesting to read (as since I have read some topics and personal stories) that many of us stay in the closet. I had some doubts and bad feelings that we are coming up with some stories to "hide" the truth from neighbours and friends. Now I feel a bit better and sad in the same time as I just started to realise that to live in a poli relationship together is as hard as being on the LGBTQ spectrum in any ways.
From my side 4 people know the full truth including my daughter and my mom. Maybe it is enough for now.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Yes, it's not like there is a rush to come out as poly; you have a lifetime to decide. And you're right, it's very much like being on the LGBTQ spectrum.

Here is a really good YouTube on the subject:

 
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IvanTrentBrown

New member
Hi Bun,

Welcome. I'm new to this forum as well.

I also don't have people in my circle that I can talk about poly with. So I'm glad I found a place I can.
Hope we talk soon :)
 
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