AViolentDelight
New member
Hello everyone, I need your wise words and good advice.
I'm in a poly triad and have been for the last year and a half. I'm with a m/f married couple who had been poly for about a year or two before they found me.
I'm 23 years old, He is 28 and She is 25. I started seeing Him casually through the BDSM scene, we started developing a close bond and I started to get to know Her too and we all started dating. About two months later I moved in with them. As some background info, this is my first ever relationship, poly or otherwise.
Anyway, things have been going mostly well, we became a triad, I've been accepted as a mostly primary partner to them both. We sleep in the same bed together and He has even told his family about me which has almost destroyed His relationship with them.
We've had our problems; I have trust issues and he resents that because he sees himself as fully trustworthy and having done nothing to destroy my trust, which is true, he is trustworthy but like I said, I have trust issues and don't know how to work through it.
Things were mostly good until a couple of months ago. She has always had other partners but He hasn't had other partners and we'd got to a point where I thought He would only have his wife and I. I was happy with that.
Then a couple of months ago he found a woman, lets call her D, he wanted to be his Mistress (in a BDSM sense) and because I couldn't offer that to him I told him he should pursue her.
This has developed much further than just a D/s (for those who don't know, dominant/submissive) relationship and about a month and a half in of them seeing each other he told me he considered D his girlfriend.
He told me this and then asked me if that was OK, I didn't know what to say and felt like I should just accept it.
Throughout this period of time D was staying with us almost every weekend (she lives a few hours away and comes up to Auckland on a regular basis so her 3 year old can spend weekends with her dad). They text all the time in the weeks between.
I had a couple of rules; no sex and he can't spend the whole night with her.
A couple of weeks ago He and I had yet another fight about trust (as we do on a semi regular basis) and to prove to him that I trust him I said that He and D could now have sex and could spend one night every weekend she stays sleeping in the same bed. They were both very thankful and very happy.
D is lovely by the way, very respectful and kind. I like her a lot.
Then a few days after this He told me that he loved D, that he had told her this and that it had happened about a week ago. For a week, he did not tell me that he loved her. He didn't tell me because he was scared as to how I would react.
For about 20 minutes I cried and got upset and then I calmed down and processed it. After doing so he told me he was proud of how well I did processing it. I asked him to promise me that from now on he will tell me things, he refuses to promise that and says he doesn't trust me to react well so he won't.
In the last week I've been a mess. I've been sick, unable to sleep, unable to eat. The jealousy is bad. He snapchats, texts, and messages D every day, the first thing he does when he wakes up is text her good morning, I struggle to engage his attention because he's on the phone all the time and when I ask him to put it down he gets annoyed at me and says he can focus on two things at once and don't I trust him... everything is about me not trusting him.
I feel on edge all the time, I ask him for reassurance constantly and he's quite frankly sick of reassuring me, once again, he says I should be trusting him. But I feel like this has all spun out of control faster than I can keep up with, process, or even have a choice in.
I get anxious before she turns up for the weekend and then I get anxious before she leaves, because when she's here at least he's not on his phone all the time and doesn't mind assuring my worries.
Late last week I logged into his computer to use it for work, went to Facebook to log in myself and of course, he was logged in. A chat was open to D. I'm a very fast reader and before I realized what I had done, as I was moving my mouse to log out, I saw the last part of their recent conversation.
She asked him if he'd ever fallen in love so quickly and intensely before and he replied, saying, "No, not with my wife or gf." (he used names of course).
I rang him immediately, first to let him know what I had done and apologize, and second to freak out. He didn't say much and I told him I needed to process all of this. He told me D didn't have to stay the weekend.
When MY Girlfriend came home she told me that she had talked to D and that she should be able to stay the weekend and basically made me feel very silly for having a freak out.
I told her I was still processing.
By the end of the day I had processed as much as I could, told D she could stay again, and got ripped into by my BF for looking at his chat.
My anxiety and jealousy has been up and down since.
I don't know how to handle any of this anymore, it feels like I've been thrown in the deep end and I can't swim anymore. I'm emotionally exhausted. I don't want to ask him to leave her, part of me is scared he'd rather have her anyway, because D is such a good support for him, I'm not always the happiest person to be around and struggle with emotional problems a lot. D is happy and looks after him.
I'm at the end of my tether and don't know how to process everything, deal with jealousy, learn to trust, and be a good girlfriend.
Can anyone help me?
I'm in a poly triad and have been for the last year and a half. I'm with a m/f married couple who had been poly for about a year or two before they found me.
I'm 23 years old, He is 28 and She is 25. I started seeing Him casually through the BDSM scene, we started developing a close bond and I started to get to know Her too and we all started dating. About two months later I moved in with them. As some background info, this is my first ever relationship, poly or otherwise.
Anyway, things have been going mostly well, we became a triad, I've been accepted as a mostly primary partner to them both. We sleep in the same bed together and He has even told his family about me which has almost destroyed His relationship with them.
We've had our problems; I have trust issues and he resents that because he sees himself as fully trustworthy and having done nothing to destroy my trust, which is true, he is trustworthy but like I said, I have trust issues and don't know how to work through it.
Things were mostly good until a couple of months ago. She has always had other partners but He hasn't had other partners and we'd got to a point where I thought He would only have his wife and I. I was happy with that.
Then a couple of months ago he found a woman, lets call her D, he wanted to be his Mistress (in a BDSM sense) and because I couldn't offer that to him I told him he should pursue her.
This has developed much further than just a D/s (for those who don't know, dominant/submissive) relationship and about a month and a half in of them seeing each other he told me he considered D his girlfriend.
He told me this and then asked me if that was OK, I didn't know what to say and felt like I should just accept it.
Throughout this period of time D was staying with us almost every weekend (she lives a few hours away and comes up to Auckland on a regular basis so her 3 year old can spend weekends with her dad). They text all the time in the weeks between.
I had a couple of rules; no sex and he can't spend the whole night with her.
A couple of weeks ago He and I had yet another fight about trust (as we do on a semi regular basis) and to prove to him that I trust him I said that He and D could now have sex and could spend one night every weekend she stays sleeping in the same bed. They were both very thankful and very happy.
D is lovely by the way, very respectful and kind. I like her a lot.
Then a few days after this He told me that he loved D, that he had told her this and that it had happened about a week ago. For a week, he did not tell me that he loved her. He didn't tell me because he was scared as to how I would react.
For about 20 minutes I cried and got upset and then I calmed down and processed it. After doing so he told me he was proud of how well I did processing it. I asked him to promise me that from now on he will tell me things, he refuses to promise that and says he doesn't trust me to react well so he won't.
In the last week I've been a mess. I've been sick, unable to sleep, unable to eat. The jealousy is bad. He snapchats, texts, and messages D every day, the first thing he does when he wakes up is text her good morning, I struggle to engage his attention because he's on the phone all the time and when I ask him to put it down he gets annoyed at me and says he can focus on two things at once and don't I trust him... everything is about me not trusting him.
I feel on edge all the time, I ask him for reassurance constantly and he's quite frankly sick of reassuring me, once again, he says I should be trusting him. But I feel like this has all spun out of control faster than I can keep up with, process, or even have a choice in.
I get anxious before she turns up for the weekend and then I get anxious before she leaves, because when she's here at least he's not on his phone all the time and doesn't mind assuring my worries.
Late last week I logged into his computer to use it for work, went to Facebook to log in myself and of course, he was logged in. A chat was open to D. I'm a very fast reader and before I realized what I had done, as I was moving my mouse to log out, I saw the last part of their recent conversation.
She asked him if he'd ever fallen in love so quickly and intensely before and he replied, saying, "No, not with my wife or gf." (he used names of course).
I rang him immediately, first to let him know what I had done and apologize, and second to freak out. He didn't say much and I told him I needed to process all of this. He told me D didn't have to stay the weekend.
When MY Girlfriend came home she told me that she had talked to D and that she should be able to stay the weekend and basically made me feel very silly for having a freak out.
I told her I was still processing.
By the end of the day I had processed as much as I could, told D she could stay again, and got ripped into by my BF for looking at his chat.
My anxiety and jealousy has been up and down since.
I don't know how to handle any of this anymore, it feels like I've been thrown in the deep end and I can't swim anymore. I'm emotionally exhausted. I don't want to ask him to leave her, part of me is scared he'd rather have her anyway, because D is such a good support for him, I'm not always the happiest person to be around and struggle with emotional problems a lot. D is happy and looks after him.
I'm at the end of my tether and don't know how to process everything, deal with jealousy, learn to trust, and be a good girlfriend.
Can anyone help me?
