Can a kink affair turn poly?

[silly2017]

Hello

my husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. My husband is an adultbaby and it was never my thing. he feels neglected since in the evenings I pushed him away due to watching tv and I changed that. so now he found a lady who is taking care of him and is playing with him. so he fell in love with her and they had sex behind my back. I found out and I am extremely hurt and have trust issues. so now he wants to be with the both of us and I really don't like it. But I also don't want to loose my husband. We have children together. He even brings her in our house and I am trying to come along with her. So he asks me to have sex with her again and I don't really know what to say about this or what to do.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[GalaGirl]

Silly2017 -- you might want to ask a mod to split your post into a thread of its own so you get more responses.

I am truly sorry you deal in this. Things don't sound good.

I found out and I am extremely hurt and have trust issues. so now he wants to be with the both of us and I really don't like it. But I also don't want to loose my husband. We have children together. He even brings her in our house and I am trying to come along with her. So he asks me to have sex with her again and I don't really know what to say about this or what to do.

Could you be wiling to clarify?

• "Be with both of you" like both of you be his partners? A wife and a GF?
• Or "be with both" like group sex?
• All the above?
• Something else?

Either way? Don't be doing stuff you do not like. Put the brakes on. Do not let your soft feelings for your husband tempt you into doing stuff you do not want. You could say "No. I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that I don't want to do that hurts me."

If you do not want to be having group sex, do not have it. Your consent to participate in things belongs to YOU. You don't have to share your body with anyone in ways you don't want to be sharing it. Say "No, thank you."

To me it sounds like your husband cheated on agreements and broke trust with you. You were willing to Open the marriage enough for him to have a playdate person to do his adult baby stuff with. Do scenes. You did not agree to Open the marriage to include sex with other people. Or group sex.

If you agreed to one set of agreements and he's using it like "give an inch, take a mile" put the brakes on.

If he's getting carried away, I think you guys could try to talk this out. Define you boundaries and either renegotiate agreements or disband agreements so there's no more cheating going on.

If he's being a bully and pressuring you into all this? He hurts you by breaking trust and now he's hurting you some more trying to railroad you into group sex and other stuff? Love in this marriage is already lost. Hurting you is not loving behavior toward you. Get away.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi silly2017,

It sounds like you're being pushed in a direction you don't want to go. I take it you don't want your husband to have sex again with the other woman, but you feel like you don't have a choice, like you will lose your marriage if you don't agree with him.

I guess my advice would be to figure out your limits: what's the farthest you'll let yourself be pushed? because if it goes beyond that point, even your marriage may go on the chopping block. Not saying we're at that point yet, but it's something you'd want to prepare for ahead of time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[silly2017]

Be with both of us. Yes like I am the wife she is the girlfriend. there is things in our sexlife I can not do which she can and things she can't do and I can and he wants it both. I told him go ahead and get what you need but he also wants me to be friends with her and I don't think I can do both. either she is his girlfriend or she is my friend but both I don't think will work

Silly2017 -- you might want to ask a mod to split your post into a thread of its own so you get more responses.

I am truly sorry you deal in this. Things don't sound good.



Could you be wiling to clarify?

• "Be with both of you" like both of you be his partners? A wife and a GF?
• Or "be with both" like group sex?
• All the above?
• Something else?

Either way? Don't be doing stuff you do not like. Put the brakes on. Do not let your soft feelings for your husband tempt you into doing stuff you do not want. You could say "No. I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that I don't want to do that hurts me."

If you do not want to be having group sex, do not have it. Your consent to participate in things belongs to YOU. You don't have to share your body with anyone in ways you don't want to be sharing it. Say "No, thank you."

To me it sounds like your husband cheated on agreements and broke trust with you. You were willing to Open the marriage enough for him to have a playdate person to do his adult baby stuff with. Do scenes. You did not agree to Open the marriage to include sex with other people. Or group sex.

If you agreed to one set of agreements and he's using it like "give an inch, take a mile" put the brakes on.

If he's getting carried away, I think you guys could try to talk this out. Define you boundaries and either renegotiate agreements or disband agreements so there's no more cheating going on.

If he's being a bully and pressuring you into all this? He hurts you by breaking trust and now he's hurting you some more trying to railroad you into group sex and other stuff? Love in this marriage is already lost. Hurting you is not loving behavior toward you. Get away.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Be with both of us. Yes like I am the wife she is the girlfriend. there is things in our sexlife I can not do which she can and things she can't do and I can and he wants it both. I told him go ahead and get what you need but he also wants me to be friends with her and I don't think I can do both. either she is his girlfriend or she is my friend but both I don't think will work

Well, that sounds workable. Your h's other partner, let's call her Mommy, fulfills his adult baby kink to the point he desires her sexually and has had sex with her. You are gracious and loving enough that you understand and respect his need to be an AB, and you're OK with the idea he scene with his Mommy. The sexual aspect bothers you. But it seems like you can live with it. The main problem was, he crossed that line before you'd given your consent. OK.

Your h wants you to be friends with Mommy. But that's a hard limit for you.

Not all poly people want to be friends with their partner's other partner. For a variety of reasons. You do not have to be friends with h's OSO. You don't have to be good friends with Mommy. You could be acquaintances and be civil to each other when your paths cross. You do NOT have to allow her into your sanctuary, your home! Lot of poly people do not like their partner's OSO in their own home.

If that is the only hard limit for you, make sure to be firm about it with your h. So it doesn't fulfill his ultimate fantasy? Tough cookies. This V isn't just about him, his fantasies and his desires. It's about all of you. Your feelings are important and valid.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Sounds to me that Husband isn't very good at separating Scene from IRL, &is now idealizing Mommy as The Perfect Woman.

silly2017, one of my failings is that I cannot stand suspense. So though I encourage troubled people to stand back, to think, to seek input from therapists, I believe there comes a point when someone needs to put a foot firmly down & say "things WILL get better starting NOW."

Your husband is setting up his Mommy as a replacement for you. As she's probably some degree of Dominant, it's likely that she gets some thrill from wedging herself into your marriage --dominating YOU.

You didn't assent to being dominated. Therefore, you don't HAVE to put up with it at all.

Are you afraid of losing your husband? The fact is that you already ARE losing him, & putting up with his/their bullying only proves to him that you're too spineless to EVER be his Mommy to ANY degree.

That is to say: one way or the other, so long as you continue to put up with this bullshit, then your relationship is over. The best you can hope for is to be an unpaid housekeeper for THEM.

Put your foot down NOW, & make clear that "the shit stops here, kiddies."

If you cannot bear to be so direct, so righteous, then I'd say you ought to pack up & leave ASAP.

Don't know if it helps, but I give high likelihood that Mommy has no interest whatever in a monogamous relationship with Baby, & they'd break up soon after you're out of the picture -- yes, your presence allows them to continue, & they might stay together for many years if you continue to tolerate the incursions.

 

[silly2017]

Thank you everybody for your replies. I am really not sure what to do right now. I told him the other day yes he can go ahead and have sex with her but I can't continue being all friendly to her and have her around me all the time because it does hurt. But he wants to have sex with her and also be like best buddies and I just can't do this. So today he wrote me something. I know it is quite personal but I would still like to put it here just to get some opinions on it.

thank you .

And here it is

W, my true love

I wanted to write you a letter to let you know how I am feeling. I know I have been spending a lot of time apart these last two weekends. I think you should know when I am away from you I still miss you and still want to be with you. I love you very much and you are still a big part of my life.
I have so many different feelings, wonderful feeling flowing through my body right now. I feel that almost all of my needs are being met. I have no need to watch porn videos anymore and masturbate furiously trying to get my sexual fantasy and needs met by watching other people get theirs.
I understand there are certain things you cannot do and things you don’t want to do. I am really ok with that. I am not angry with you, I am not disappointed with you, or have any other bad feeling against you for it, BUT I really feel I should be able to still get my needs and wants met with someone who I also love very much. I know you feel like it is cheating but I do not. If you know what I am doing and who I am doing it with, I am not cheating. Not, telling you the first two times I did it is and I am sorry for hurting you. But I am not sorry for doing. Over the years every time you told me you did not want to do something I was like ok I will stop doing that, you can’t do blow jobs, ok; you don’t want to baby me, ok; you don’t want to change my diapers any more, ok; you don’t want to give me boobie, ok; …that and then another and then another until I was getting more sexual pleasure and feelings from masturbating and watching videos of other people doing want I wanted to do. I want to come to an agreement with you to allow G and I to do some intimate things together that you can’t do or do not feel comfortable doing.
I have read the article you send me twice already. I really want to set up boundaries with you that allow me to do intimate things with G. I am sorry the thought of us being together hurts you, but not living my life to its fullest also hurts me. Having to always push my feelings and desires away. I try my hardest to make sure all your needs are met, but when it comes to mine needs there are things I want and need also that you are just not able to do. I am not holding that against you because I understand that, but please let my needs be met. g
It feels so weird and it is so hard being turned on by G so much that the next step is to be intimate with her and then slamming on the brakes and having to wait until I get home to you to continue on with you from where I left off with her, but missing the whole oral part I wanted to do in the first place. I do not want to be just friends with her, I have too many feeling and too much love for her that was started with our baby and little stuff and that has continued to grow from that.
I want to set up boundaries with you that allow only G and I have oral sex together, no other women. We will not talk about it and we will not discuss after you agree.

So this is it. But if I agree to it. Who tells me it stops there who tells me he doesn't fall in love even more and eventually I am completely out of the picture.

 

[Magdlyn]

It sounds like he loves you very much. He is in NRE of course, awash in hormones of lust. But his kink needs are dying to be fulfilled. Blowjobs aren't kink, in my book, rather standard, but I understand some people don't like to give or even get oral sex.

I have kinks other than adult baby, so I can substitute ropes or spanking or other sensation play for the AB stuff, and relate to what your husband is feeling.

There is always a risk of losing a loved one. The love may die, you may grow apart and lose most of the things you used to share... Whether or not one is poly. Even mono couples might spend more fulfilling time with family members other than their spouses after some years, or with platonic friends, hobby groups, spiritual communities.

Also, a loved one may fall ill, may suffer dementia, may be in an accident. And we all eventually die, no matter what.

What I am saying is, it is a risk we run in life, to give our heart to another, and risk it being handed back at some point.

That all being said, I do not see any big red flag that your husband is ready to leave you. He is being open and upfront. I truly hope he is polyamorous and not using poly as an excuse for a soft breakup. But consider this. I am sure there are sex areas you do both share and enjoy. But other than sex, is there plenty you share? Interests, hobbies, dating activities, cuddles, children? How about just the day to day things? Style of housekeeping, temperaments (calm or intense, complimentary or comfortably opposite), sharing talks of current events, etc etc. All the cozy day to day little things that make up a life. Do you get along pretty great in general? Do you still have enough in common?

How will you care for yourself as you get used to this "new normal?" It isn't easy, but the new normal will become old hat soon enough. NRE lasts 3 to 18 months on average. Can you sleep? Eat well? Exercise? See friends and family? Do you need to vent? You can vent here, or start a blog in the section for that. What more do you need from your husband to help you become comfortable? Dates? An overnight to a different city and some sightseeing and a nice meal? Cuddles? Your kind of sex? Massages? Transitions can be hard, and I hope you can do self care to weather the storm and come out happy and fulfilled yourself in the process.

 

[Emm]

If you know what I am doing and who I am doing it with, I am not cheating.

Bullshit. That's like saying that because you know I'm draining your bank account it's not theft, even if you didn't agree that I could touch your money. Breaking an agreed-upon rule without your consent and telling you about it is just cheating while rubbing your nose in it.

 

[Shaya]

Hi there, not sure what to call you. I certainly don't want to refer to you as Silly. If you want to change your name, send a private message to imaginaryillusion I think (others can correct me if im wrong please).

In my eyes, this is not poly. This is the continuation of an affair. The usual poly approach of "its just NRE" or "it's just hormones" and "he isn't showing any signs of leaving you" is very true for poly mentality but Silly2017, you still seem to be struggling with betrayal and hurt. I feel very sorry for you. I can understand why you can't be friends with this woman - that's because the woman had an affair with your husband. I can't even imagine wanting to be friends with her. I get the feeling from a different thread that you find it difficult to think of the two of them having sex - I can understand that - to do so would be to be reminded of all the times he's lied to you about where he's been because he's been with her - having sex. Even though his letter to you showed no signs of him wanting to leave you - it's still AN AFFAIR. Of course you're worried he'll leave you - in fact, I feel you may be permitting him to call this polyamory so that he doesn't leave you.

Silly2017, your husband seems to be wanting his affair partner and he wants you, but nowhere in that statement does he show that he wants what's best for you. I feel he is being selfish, and it is the hormones of the affair making him feel like this.

This is not consensual. This is not polyamory.

I think in private messages with you, I've suggested counselling. Can I ask if your husband is willing to see a counsellor with you? I would pay extra for a counsellor with a psychology degree.

In summary, I feel your complex emotions are better explained with affair resources rather than with polyamory. I don't think you and your husband can do polyamory without first addressing why you're hurting so much after his affair.

As a final note, and I mean this kindly, I wouldn't post any more of his letters to you on this forum without his consent. It comes down to a trust thing. He broke your trust and that can be hurtful. I presume he wrote that letter for you and you only. I don't think he would have given consent for that letter to be published, even anonymously. Publishing it for anyone on the internet to see can be seen as a break of trust, especially if he feels it's private. If you wait a day or two, you will find that you can actually Google the words in his letter and it will come up as the top hit on Google. So... yeah... nothing you write here is private. Just thought you might want to know. Of course, you're free to leave it here but if you want to delete it, you can press the "exclamation mark" in the top right corner and ask a mod if they might kindly remove it because of nonconsent of the author (your husband).

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you deal in this.

I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear.

I told him go ahead and get what you need but he also wants me to be friends with her and I don't think I can do both.

I told him the other day yes he can go ahead and have sex with her but I can't continue being all friendly to her and have her around me all the time because it does hurt. But he wants to have sex with her and also be like best buddies and I just can't do this.

I wonder if you are tired. Tired of the emotional emotional pestering/badgering/bullying and just say "yes" to get the emotional pestering/badgering/bullying to stop. Not so much because this is a "joyous yes" situation for you. Like you LOVE being here and LOVE participating with these people in a "V".

Is that true?

LONG VERSION

His letter? I call shenanigans. Basically that's a non-apology apology to me. He's not sorry for previous behavior (breaking agreements), he does not state how he will avoid doing that behavior in future (what will make him a better agreement keeper), and he does not ask for opportunity to make amends. He wants to skip doing that trust rebuilding work with you and jump on to making new agreements before cleaning up the old mess. What kind of business is that?

I know you feel like it is cheating but I do not. If you know what I am doing and who I am doing it with, I am not cheating. Not, telling you the first two times I did it is and I am sorry for hurting you. But I am not sorry for doing.

He has simply gone from cheating behind your back to cheating openly in front of you. The old agreements are still there, broken. He just doesn't want to own his part in the situation making. But he DOES want new agreements. Cart before horse.

Don't get bogged down in semantics. Get on with sorting stuff out.

• He did stuff he said he would not.
• He's still gonna keep doing it.
• Not gonna apologize for doing it.
• Not gonna acknowledge it damaged trust and not gonna rebuild trust first.
• Gonna keep seeing the cheating affair partner.
• Expects you to be buddies with her.

That's the offer. You up for that offer? Sounds tasty to you? NO. You said twice above that you cannot do this. So DON'T. Keep this WAY simpler on yourself.

Respect your own boundaries and obey your personal limit. Don't cross that line. That part of the problem is solved. You are not up for any of that.

Then move on to the next order of business: How to best disband if he wants one thing and you want another? Because you do not have compatible wants to be doing it together.

Not fun to think about. But think it out anyway. When all the choices are hard, you pick your hard.

Short term suckage? Already sucks. No changing that.

Are you willing and able to keep on doing this? No. You are not. You recognize it.

Could start thinking long term and how to make your long term scenario less sucky then. That part can still change.

I want to come to an agreement with you to allow G and I to do some intimate things together that you can’t do or do not feel comfortable doing.

They already cheated. If you made new agreements, how do you know he won't cheat on those? What makes him trustworthy?
Especially when he's not taking the time to rebuild trust with you?

I am sorry the thought of us being together hurts you, but not living my life to its fullest also hurts me. Having to always push my feelings and desires away

I notice he doesn't say "I am sorry for hurting you with my behavior" like he takes personal responsibility for how his actions affect other people. He says it like he's sorry (your thinking is broken) and THAT is what is hurting you. Another reason I think this is a non-apology apology.

If he chose to suppress meeting his own needs all this time, how's that your fault? He could have been more assertive/up front/honest ages ago.

If he wants to meet them now and sees that HOW he is meeting them is hurting you? (Cuz he says he's sorry you are hurt)

But he doesn't want to change his way of going? (Cuz he says he's not sorry for doing?)

He could suggest respectfully parting ways so this can be done CLEAN and you are not in the line of fire any more. That would be more kind. Not seek to keep you embroiled in things he knows hurt you.

Parting respectfully with regrets is way better to me than trying to do "give an inch, take a mile" stuff again, head games, or giving you non-apology apologies or simply wearing you down. None of that sounds like loving behavior to me.

I try my hardest to make sure all your needs are met, but when it comes to mine needs there are things I want and need also that you are just not able to do. I am not holding that against you because I understand that, but please let my needs be met.

To me that sounds like he's saying "I want you do stuff I understand you are not able to do. Do them anyway. Throw yourself under the bus for me." Might be great for him, but how's that great for you?

And how does he try hard to meet your need not to be in pain? If this is his best effort -- he cheats behind your back, then in front of you, does non-apology apologies, does not want to rebuild trust, wants you to do stuff he knows you cannot do, wants you to go against your own grain -- is this "best effort" enough for you to want to stay here? Does you partner treat you the way you want to be treated? You feel good and safe here? Are you satisfied here?

I want to set up boundaries with you that allow only G and I have oral sex together, no other women. We will not talk about it and we will not discuss after you agree.

What is the purpose of this agreement when you already said to go ahead and have sex with her?

You could remind him you already said he could have sex with her. Please stop bugging you. You need a break from discussions.

Then take a time out to figure out what YOU want and need from a partner. And if this partner doesn't make the cut any more... what to do about that.

SHORT VERSION

So this is it. But if I agree to it. Who tells me it stops there who tells me he doesn't fall in love even more and eventually I am completely out of the picture.

I think you and your needs are already out of the picture. If he does stuff that causes you pain, sees that you are hurt but doesn't want to modify his behaviors so you are not hurting again in future? How "in the picture" is that?

He packages it up with some sugar pie/honey bunch, but he's basically hell bent on going there and wants you to neglect your self care in order to come with him. He's sorry you hurt, but he's not sorry for doing behaviors that lead to you feeling hurt, and it sounds like he's gonna keep on doing. So if you choose to go with him on this journey, you can expect more hurt.

That's the offer on the table. Are you up for that? No. You know it inside. Said it twice already.

You just haven't moved from "saying no" to also "doing no."

I think you could DECLINE the offer. Not continue to ride the bus there with him. You already rode the bus too long as it is. This bus has veered well away from the things YOU value and you've been doing things you do not really want or like.

I think you could choose to get OFF the bus and return to being more true to yourself and what you value.

Are you happy in this? You don't sound like you are. I think you could set both of you free and be happier long term by breaking up. Short term would suck, because who loves breaking up? But long term you both could feel better.

• He can be free TO get all his needs met elsewhere with whoever without restriction. Doesn't have to suppress himself any more.

• You can be free FROM all this. You can meet your own need for peace of mind by walking away and stop bending yourself into pretzels.

You can love someone a whole lot. Even up to 49% of your love. But the rest of the 51% you save for you loving you. That allows you to say "No. I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

This stuff is hurting you. You could choose to get off the bus. Could choose to linger in the healing space rather than choose to keep lingering in the UGH space.

Again... I'm sorry you deal in all this.

Still gotta sort it out though. I suggest you start "doing no."

Galagirl

 

[silly2017]

hi you can call me b. he kept bugging me to have sex with her again. oral sex. i said if he wants to do it i cant and i don't want to be friends with her. We were coming along ok. but now i don't even want to talk to here. i am not sure if this is going to change. and i also told him that if he thinks he wants to do it, please not in my house.

Hi there, not sure what to call you. I certainly don't want to refer to you as Silly. If you want to change your name, send a private message to imaginaryillusion I think (others can correct me if im wrong please).

In my eyes, this is not poly. This is the continuation of an affair. The usual poly approach of "its just NRE" or "it's just hormones" and "he isn't showing any signs of leaving you" is very true for poly mentality but Silly2017, you still seem to be struggling with betrayal and hurt. I feel very sorry for you. I can understand why you can't be friends with this woman - that's because the woman had an affair with your husband. I can't even imagine wanting to be friends with her. I get the feeling from a different thread that you find it difficult to think of the two of them having sex - I can understand that - to do so would be to be reminded of all the times he's lied to you about where he's been because he's been with her - having sex. Even though his letter to you showed no signs of him wanting to leave you - it's still AN AFFAIR. Of course you're worried he'll leave you - in fact, I feel you may be permitting him to call this polyamory so that he doesn't leave you.

Silly2017, your husband seems to be wanting his affair partner and he wants you, but nowhere in that statement does he show that he wants what's best for you. I feel he is being selfish, and it is the hormones of the affair making him feel like this.

This is not consensual. This is not polyamory.

I think in private messages with you, I've suggested counselling. Can I ask if your husband is willing to see a counsellor with you? I would pay extra for a counsellor with a psychology degree.

In summary, I feel your complex emotions are better explained with affair resources rather than with polyamory. I don't think you and your husband can do polyamory without first addressing why you're hurting so much after his affair.

As a final note, and I mean this kindly, I wouldn't post any more of his letters to you on this forum without his consent. It comes down to a trust thing. He broke your trust and that can be hurtful. I presume he wrote that letter for you and you only. I don't think he would have given consent for that letter to be published, even anonymously. Publishing it for anyone on the internet to see can be seen as a break of trust, especially if he feels it's private. If you wait a day or two, you will find that you can actually Google the words in his letter and it will come up as the top hit on Google. So... yeah... nothing you write here is private. Just thought you might want to know. Of course, you're free to leave it here but if you want to delete it, you can press the "exclamation mark" in the top right corner and ask a mod if they might kindly remove it because of nonconsent of the author (your husband).

 

[GalaGirl]

he kept bugging me to have sex with her again. oral sex. i said if he wants to do it i cant and i don't want to be friends with her.

You have already told him to have sex with her himself if he wants to. Several times. Go have his relationship with her over THERE. Why's he still bugging you on that? If he is pestering you for YOU to have sex with her? Your body belongs to YOU, not him. You share your body with you want. Not at his direction like you are his sex puppet.

You have already told him you don't want to be pals with her. At best, you want a very SEPARATE V thing. If he's pestering you to be her buddy? YOU choose who you are friends with. Not him. You want to be free of her company. He could stop pushing her on you and stop having her around your home.

If he's pestering you all the time about all kinds of things he wants you do against your will? It's not love. It sounds like abuse. Mental abuse, emotional abuse... just not right.

You deserve to be treated well.

Maybe you aren't ready to leave him. You just want all the yucky to STOP.

If so, I hope venting and telling your story helps you feel a bit better if only for a little while.

I hope you can get out of this unhealthy sounding situation. I hope you become more willing to leave. Even temporarily so you get a break in the short term. And can think more clearly about what you want to do long term without non-stop badgering /grinding you down.

Could you go visit family? Friends?

I am concerned for you.

Galagirl

 

[Polysnow]

This sounds awful. If he really is pestering you to be intimate with this woman, thats a level of disrespect that should never be tolerated, mono or poly. I really hope you can get out of this situation soon.

 

[Shaya]

@Polysnow. I think the opening poster, B as she wishes to be called, didn't mean sexual relations between the two females. I think she meant between her husband and his girlfriend. I was confused too, but B clarified this for me in a private correspondence.

 

[silly2017]

Well he kept asking me if he can get intimate with her and wanted to have an answer and even i know it will hurt i gave in. But i also stopped talking to her and i don't want to be like friends right now. He doesn't understand why. I feel like she is taking my husband away from me and all this is is the beginning from the end.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm so sorry. I can imagine your heart isn't exactly in this.

 

[GalaGirl]

"Giving in" sounds like your heart is not in this and you do not want this.

I'm sorry you were not willing/able to say "No."

Like..."No. I don't like this. If you are hell bent on going there, we need to pause to disband so I can get off this Bus. Then you can go on as you please."

It sounds like no matter what you pick it is going to hurt. Going along with this hurts/stinks with no end in sight. Breaking up hurts/stinks, but does have an end point.

If everything stinks? I would suggest picking the one that hurts/stinks less.

Galagirl

 

[silly2017]

Thank you everybody for your opinions.

To answer some of your questions. Yes i am tired of everything. And i am actually thinking about if it would not be better to get seperated before it gets worse. But he does not want to hear it. he just tells me how much he would loose in a divorce. he would loose his house his children and so on. But really it hasnt been a very nice relationship lately. It is more like we are just getting pissed at each other very easily. I also asked him if he would be would like to go on marriage counseling so we can get through this together. But he does not want to hear that either. He says he knows what the issue is. I know i made mistakes and i am really trying to Change for the sake of our marriage but it seems like it doesnt matter any more. Right now he is on a 3 day Weekend with her and i am actually enjoying the quiet around my house

 

[Emm]

Have you pointed out that it's his actions which are leading him in the direction of separation? You have offered him options to try to avoid it - marriage counselling, etc, but he is choosing not to take you up on it. If he rejects every olive branch then it's his own choices that are driving him towards the loss of house and children he fears.