Can an affair turn to Polyamory?

C

confusedmory

New member
Oh geez, I don't know where to start! Maybe some quick background history....
I married young, I was brought up in a Christian home and conservative community. He was a rebel from a Catholic background. I fell in love with my H because of his spontaneity. I was 21 he was 23.
We married a year later. It was monogamous , we knew nothing else.
-I am an experience person. I like to live vicariously through others as well as enjoy my own experiences.-
Early on we discussed an open relationship (it always pertained to the future).
Now we are in our "future" :p
It gets rocky from here...
When I was pregnant with our second child he cheated on me. When I found out he said he loved me but was no longer in love with me. He said our sexlife was dismal.
Everything he said hurt and cut deep. However I did my best to understand and correct the problem.
My only request was that he limit his time with a close personal female friend of 4 years, until I could trust him again. He insisted I not ask this of him (I'm sure you know where this is going...). So I obliged.
We continued to strengthen our sex life, he introduced me to the idea of group sex (which I have always been interested in and took to it right away).
In our relationship he pointed out I came across as a "nag." So I changed how I dealt with our problems, so as not to be a grumpolumpogus. <--(Can you tell I'm a mom lol)
Weeeell, I'm not an idiot. And I knew something was up with him and his female friend.
My world came crashing down when I found texts where they were professing their love for each other.
This of course led to me practically going nuts (so many lies before and after this point...)
The next 14 months was a hurricane of information, I found out that their emotional affair, in fact was also sexual. He said I wasn't as supportive as her, not loving enough, etc. He became verbally abusive. He would tell me he would break it off (we had that conversation 6x or more), but never did. If we got in a fight he would leave town early and get a hotel with her. He would take our eldest out with her and not tell me, knowing my child would mention being out with her. He tells me she respects our marriage and doesn't want us to break up.
The worst is when he tells me he wants me to recommit to him, but doesn't give me any breathing room to take this all in.
FINALLY, he tells me he thinks he is polyamorous and wants us to discuss this option. However, doesn't feel our relationship could survive me dating right now...but he is still in contact with her.
I have left out ALOT of junk that has happened.
SO my QUESTION is;
Am I an idiot? Haha, don't answer that!
Seriously though, now I am interested in polyamorous relationships, but can't see my own marriage surviving his lies, let alone having his affair partner in my life (I kinda hate her at the moment...and I am not to fond of my H either).

HAS A POLY RELATIONSHIP BORN OUT OF LIES AND DECEIT EVER FLORISHED?
 
First of all Welcome!

I am sorry to hear about your marital hardships. It sounds to me like you really love him regardless of all he is putting you through, also even though he has told you he loves you but is no longer in love with you, he still in fact is in love with you, otherwise, what has been keeping him from leaving you altogether?

I think it would be great for you two to be in a poly relationship, but in order for it to work you need to patch up your marriage. He is asking you to give up your monogamy, which is all you have known up until this point, so naturally it is only fair that he make a sacrifice as well, which in this case would be taking a break from his girlfriend while he patches things up with you. It might take a while but if they really love each other they will be together again. What matters most at this point, in order to move forward in your new lifestyle you need to start with your marriage to one another.

I don't think you are an idiot, you are holding on because you love him and you want him to be happy, but your happiness is important too and it's not fair to you that he gets to be happy while in the process, making you miserable.

I hope you two patch things up and that he isn't too selfish to consider your feelings on this since obviously you are changing your life for him and not the other way around.
 
Greetings confusedmory,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Some poly relationships do start out as clandestine affairs. But that's not to say you should assume that's how things'll go in your situation. It doesn't seem like H is treating you too good. To save your marriage, you may have to see a marriage counselor.

H should definitely let you date if he is still dating. If you can't date, he can't date. But I don't think he's really trying to negotiate, he's just going through the motions and then doing whatever he felt like doing anyway.

Polyamory.com offers you many opportunities to learn more about polyamory if you are interested in it. But there's not much we can do to fix H's bad behavior. :(

Keep us posted and let us know what you decide to do.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
JUST responding to your title question-not your post.

Yes an affair can turn to poly in some cases.

BUT
It requires all parties to do some SERIOUS deep introspection, consider wtf their personal issues are that they need to resolve in order to be the kind of person who can be an honest, open person. Integrity.

Before anything can happen;
All prior fucked up behavior has to be accounted for and amends made and trust re-EARNED (not demanded).
THEN one can consider where they can go with it.

(based on prior experience as the one who cheated)
 
Groups of men?

Ok I hope I did read this part right but you are working on your sexual relationship with group sex? Is this you him and a group of women? Or the group of men kind or are we talking about orgies?

I do so want to hear the logic behind your relationship can survive with him having a second partner but not you.

So tell him you'll only date groups of men?

Have you met her?

Maybe a local tantric sex class? No, honey, I am doing this for YOU!!!

I took two rusted Jag Mark 8 and turned them into one beautiful pristine car took a bit of work and did help a charming douchebag who wanted his wife to be a hot submissive fuck slut (used these exact words enough times, she was shopping for lawyers) and douchebag hoped a big bad dom, c'est moi, could like get her started and then take the hand off.

Well, she did become a Love Goddess with about a dozen men around her and douchebag discovered he was the lowest ranking human in the house! Actually, I think the dogs were above him, so...

So? Don't go on dates. We're just meeting for coffee at Motel Six.

So is the group sex still going on? I mean did you get your Advanced Degree?

God, I do so want to hear this guy's logic.

But I would keep up with those group sex classes. You know continuing education and all helps you from becoming senile.

BTW this thread likely should be moved over into the main room, what you just threw out here is not an introduction.

Now, can I offer a bit of serious advice?
Step back from the lies and deceit.
First, he is Catholic. So he has been raised to think he is a pusbag filled with shit.
His life training has been to believe he is not good enough to have what he wants. He is sure if you meet a few 'real humans' you will dump him.
Fact is you might.
Do you like the guy? I mean outside of this lying deceiving stuff. Set that aside and do you like him?
If you do, then get he is terrified.
He knows he does not deserve you.
I often joke about how I would divorce myself if I only knew how. Now other part is I totally adore myself. Yeah total Jeckle and Hyde
So he knows you could easily upgrade and it scares the shit out of him.

So I find the playing J'accuse! Does not really work for getting a relationship on track
I also have never been able to fix all those defective people I seem to find.
But I am able to change who I am and often those other people just transform, right before my very eyes.

So how to go forward?
Tell him you want more group sex.
Tell him you want to meet his lady, just the two of you.(do get him some tranquilizers while that meeting goes on or a pacemaker. Still have your baby's pacifier?)
Next you want him to get that the goose gander stuff works in both directions.
If he can't handle it, well he has his gf's shoulder to cry on.

Please be more diplomatic than I am writing this here.

OH Kevin can you alert a mod to move the party?

Honey there are some incredible idiots here who have made and likely survived more than this. I suspect a few might have an opinion or two and some great advice.
And welcome to the party. Sounds to me like you are well into the second act of your drama.
The one constant in life is change.
But what a ride. And remember to laugh because if you were watching this on Jerry Springer with the girls and a bottle of wine, you'd be wetting your pants you'd be laughing so hard.
 
From what I understand, there is a fair amount of leeway in what one puts in one's intro thread although this thread could be moved to the Poly Relationships Corner. All the mods are easily located at http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showgroups.php ... and I'll let them know as soon as their intervention is needed.
 
Dickdomin said:
BTW this thread likely should be moved over into the main room, what you just threw out here is not an introduction.

OH Kevin can you alert a mod to move the party?
Click to expand...

Clearly sarcasm is your preferred language.

However-you can alert a moderator on your own. Every poster has that ability. That is not KDT's job or responsibility.

Furthermore, as a moderator let me state for the record;
There is nothing wrong with the OP's post as an intro.
In the future if you have concerns I suggest you address them directly to a moderator on your own. I am sure at this point you are well versed in which of us is moderators.

Please feel free to click "quick links" and then click "private messages"
Then click "new message" on the left and write a polite pm to one of us.
We will happily look into it.
 
Totally missed

kdt26417 said:
From what I understand, there is a fair amount of leeway in what one puts in one's intro thread although this thread could be moved to the Poly Relationships Corner. All the mods are easily located at http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showgroups.php ... and I'll let them know as soon as their intervention is needed.
Click to expand...

There is a self admitted cheating lying deceiving moderator who posted right before me.

I'll shut up about all the technical stuff. I mean reformed alcoholics... God only knows how a reformed moderator is

My Hands 'er up mam'
 
Gomen nasai

LovingRadiance said:
Clearly sarcasm is your preferred language.

However-you can alert a moderator on your own. Every poster has that ability. That is not KDT's job or responsibility.
Click to expand...

I sort of look to Kevin as a mentor here. He and I are on friendly terms

Furthermore, as a moderator let me state for the record;
There is nothing wrong with the OP's post as an intro.
In the future if you have concerns I suggest you address them directly to a moderator on your own. I am sure at this point you are well versed in which of us is moderators.

[/QUOTE]

I was not so much concerned as thought she would get more answers out in whatever part the other part is called.

I only know when a moderator puts a laser sight on my chest.

I prefer to think of my voce as being more sardonic than sarcastic.

Please feel free to click "quick links" and then click "private messages"
Then click "new message" on the left and write a polite pm to one of us.
We will happily look into it.
Click to expand...

I've only open the CP whatsit once and was confused. Kevin clued me into the new posts. Even though I am a brain scientist, I am quite certain there are any number of chimps who know how to use the internet better than I

Took me a week before I learned how or where or what the quote button was.
I haven't touched any of the others.

But thank you for the heads up.
My intention was to get her where I imagined she might find a larger audience and therefore more useful advice.

My apologies for any misunderstanding
And thank you for the heads up.
BTW are the moderators listed under the quick links?
 
Imaginaryillusion
lovingradiance
emm
ATM
Nycindie

Those are the moderators.

Sardonic if you prefer.
I'm glad you get along with KDT-so do I.
However;it's still pertinent that he does not speak for the mods or to the mods "for the posters".

Poly requires direct, honest communication; and we expect posters to use that same skill in addressing issues with the moderators.

In the welcome post that KDT makes on every intro thread-he links the guidelines as well as several others links that are useful in learning how to appropriately navigate this board.

It might be a good plan to take some time away from sardonic and ofttimes crude and negative bordering on offensive posts; to learn how to navigate the board and make an effort to be friendly to other posters.

This is a public board, but it is owned by an individual. There is a desire to maintain a friendly WELCOMING atmosphere on the board. Moderators are here to ensure that atmosphere is promoted and maintained. To that end; if we feel that any one poster is making a point to detract from that atmosphere;it's our duty to stop the behavior.

Any further discussion on this topic-can be taken to private message. Additional posts on this thread should be directed to the OP.
 
Yes, polyamory can be borne of cheating, but I'd say in your case, no. And here's why: Your husband says he isn't in love with you. He lied and cheated on multiple occasions instead of taking time and energy to communicate and grow together. He has been verbally abusive. He says he can date, but you shouldn't. He's involved your children, bringing them to his mistress's house when you were in a fight without discussing it with you. He compares you to the other woman, telling you to be more "supportive" like she is. This isn't polyamory, this is a man being a douche.

I know you have children, but I'm thinking you'd best find someone more capable of honesty, communication, and respect.
 
LoveBunny said:
Yes, polyamory can be borne of cheating, but I'd say in your case, no. And here's why: Your husband says he isn't in love with you. He lied and cheated on multiple occasions instead of taking time and energy to communicate and grow together. He has been verbally abusive. He says he can date, but you shouldn't. He's involved your children, bringing them to his mistress's house when you were in a fight without discussing it with you. He compares you to the other woman, telling you to be more "supportive" like she is. This isn't polyamory, this is a man being a douche.

I know you have children, but I'm thinking you'd best find someone more capable of honesty, communication, and respect.
Click to expand...

Seconded. Marriages aren't fixed by adding partners, and yours needs a great deal of work (though your guy doesn't seem interested in doing that work). I mean this kindly, but what has kept you in this marriage? Why are you fighting for it, when he is clearly not invested?
 
I've met many couples who started out through one of them cheating and I've never seen it last longer than five years. One couple are still together but reverted back to monogamy. I've dated one half of a married couple. I was with the person who was cheated on. The experience I had with Alex and Sandy was in line with what I've experienced with other couples in similar situations.

I met Alex on a dating site, he told me that he was new to polyamory and disclosed that his wife, Sandy, had been cheating on him and he found out. Sandy admitted that it was wrong to cheat but refused to break it off citing polyamory as a solution to their problem. Sandy recommended a therapist that was poly friendly and they went there as a couple. Alex was very much in love with Sandy, and Alex was also deeply hurt by Sandy cheating. It made him feel inadequate and unattractive. The therapist said that the only way this will have any chance of working is if Sandy agreed to break off things with Mike until trust and respect can be rebuilt. Sandy would only agree to a temporary break and if Alex couldn't accept her as a poly woman by that time, it was over. He'd have to move out and basically uproot his life.

When I met Alex, he did tell me how they started out in polyamory. What Alex didn't tell me is that it was something he reluctantly agreed to because it was preferable to the alternative and his low self esteem at the time made him believe that it was all he deserved - a relationship style that made him unhappy but allowed him some access to lover and companionship. Sandy and Mike were just starting to see each other again and Alex had started to look for compatible people. Alex said that the first thing he noticed was that the rules they'd agreed on were only relevant to him. Sandy and Mike were involved enough to have bypassed many of the restrictions Alex now had to face with the people he was meeting. Nothing got off the ground because Sandy would give vague, "reaching" reasons that these potential matches were a threat, unsuitable or otherwise in breach of their rules. Any issue that Alex had with Sandy and Mike was put down to Alex being jealous and possessive as well as not being to let go of his hurt at being betrayed. Sandy would constantly guilt trip him about attempting to stop her being "who she really is" and after that initial therapist moved on, she'd look for therapists that would validate her and try and push Alex to being more accepting. I was privy to how many therapists they saw and how she'd reject anyone who shifted the focus to how accountable she has been for her actions and her expectation that Alex just be okay about this situation now she had taken a break from Mike and set up some rules.

When I came along and just happened to meet this stringent criteria, the rules would evolve to try and obstruct our bonding. Mike seemed to enjoy the thrill of the affair more than the tedium of ethical non monogamy and soon drifted away. Sandy was soon on the look out for someone new and those rules that they laid out seemingly evaporated or more accurately, she'd argue why the people she was dating or how she was dating them was in line with their agreement when it clearly wasn't. We had been dating for more than half of a year by this time and they had been poly for two years. We hadn't had a sleepover (although we'd had plenty of sex) because of all the rules and regulations about how Things Must Be Done yet within a month of splitting with Mike, Sandy was in a new relationship with a guy she was spending at least one night a week with (plus meeting up for dates during the day).

I'm sure from this you can pick up that Sandy had major insecurity issues as well as generally being a selfish person. This is the thing that I've found to be the case with all former cheaters. I've never encountered one that I've considered to be reformed enough to sustain a healthy and equal polyamorous relationship. Alex did eventually leave Sandy and when he did, he acknowledged that polyamory isn't what he wants from his relationships and that meant we were no longer compatible. We are still friends and now he has a loving, monogamous partner and a beautiful family too.
 
[side note re: earlier posts]

@ Dickdomin ... for me, I like to approach the mods with sober respect and diplomacy. After all, they're the ones who do tons of work hard each day to hold back the tsunamis of spam that menace this site, and on top of that they have to watch for threads that are getting overly heated or led too far astray. They don't get paid for this service and so I can see approaching them with my hat in hand. That and the old saying about attracting flies with honey.

Mods are not perfect people, obviously. But on this site at least they usually do a pretty good job of sticking to the principles laid out in the guidelines. They resist the temptation to let their personal feelings interfere with their objective judgment. If someone mistakenly asks them to tweak something that the guidelines don't call for, they'll usually try to patiently explain their reasoning.

Sometimes the mods will look at a thread and simply decide it would have a better home on another board. Then they'll move it without being asked. Considering the mods have taken notice of this particular thread, I'm sure they're already thinking about whether it needs to be moved.

You can find the moderators -- and the administrators -- listed (with options to email and PM) under the following link: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showgroups.php

It's true that the Poly Relationships Corner gets more attention than the other boards, but if nothing else the OP is always free to start a new thread on that board, providing a link to this thread as a backstory. Of course a post on a busier board will also get buried faster under a deluge of new threads -- just sayin'.

I'm still learning the tips and tricks of navigating Polyamory.com myself. It's a work in progress. Every little tip and trick you can learn will help make your participation on the site more enjoyable and convenient.

[/side note; sorry guys, carry on]
 
OP - it is possible. It is not easy.

I was the (almost?) cheater in our story that ended happily.

You can read the long version in my "Journey" blog on this site (the "Jackassery" section).

Short version. My "affair" with my husband's best friend (Dude) was short-lived. When questioned I "came clean". I then vowed, to myself, to do whatever was needed to regain my husband's trust. This included months of "no contact" with Dude. Then MrS and Dude reforged their friendship and MrS gave his blessing to our relationship as well.

I do not think that this could have worked out except for a few vital points:

MrS and Dude being best friends and genuinely caring for each other.
A 20 year history of good behavior prior to this incident.
A 100% effort on my part to redeem myself.
My husband's 100% forgiveness when it was given.

...and even with all that, it was still NOT easy.

If your husband is not 100% committed to doing what it takes to mend fences with you (which it does not seem like he is) then I think the chances are slim of this working out.

Sorry. And Good Luck.

JaneQ
 
confusedmory said:
I kinda hate her at the moment...and I am not to fond of my H either
Click to expand...

You answered your own question.

You hate her and you don't like him... you're considering getting into a relationship with these people? Surely you are kidding.
 
She's already in a relationship (marriage) with H. That aside, I have to agree with your general sentiment.
 
thank you

Everyone was very helpful.
Thank you for sharing your insight and personal experiences.

My husband retracted his comment about not being in love with me a month or so after he said it. Proclaiming that he indeed, loved me and couldn't imagine ever being without me. He has also never so much as hinted at wanting us to breakup.
For these reasons, I have been waiting (very impatiently), for him to get his sh*t together, break up with her (even if it is only temporary). So I can sort out my feelings.
Now that I have moved out with the kids, he is starting to feel the impact that his actions are having on the whole family.

I respect the strength and understanding that polyamorous families have and acquire during their time together.
It is clear that my (broken) family is not ready for such growth.

Thanks again!
 
You're welcome; please keep us posted okay?
 
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