Arabella
New member
A little background: The hubby and I have been poly since 2011. We now have two kids together. The last time I wrote here, the hubby was dating a mutual friend and this caused some issues because we had just decided to conceive our second child. I felt emotionally unprepared for him to be dating and had told him prior to him entering that relationship that I was putting my other relationships on the backburner for now to focus on getting and being pregnant, and raising a child for a few years, or until my feelings changed, at which point we’d talk about things again. I had told him I didn't expect him to do the same, but I was also disappointed when he chose to date during my pregnancy. He had dated before as had I, so this wasn't especially new territory for us.
But whatever, we worked on stuff, and acknowledged the places where we could have used more honest communication between each other and more honesty with ourselves. That other relationship ended before I gave birth, and for the past almost 2 years now, the two of us have essentially been monogamous with each other and focused on parenting and other life stresses. I have an ongoing relationship with the man I first started dating 5 years ago, Mr. C. although it was understood that I couldn't give our relationship as much time and energy as before as I needed/wanted to allocate much of that to the new baby and our other child. We didn't break up, but he wasn't someone in our lives, basically. I communicate with him maybe once every 2 months, it's almost ad if we’re not involved at all.
The hubby’s job was pretty stressful for him and we encountered numerous issues with his company messing up his leave of absence and accidently dropping us from health insurance multiple times causing me to deal with stacks and stacks of medical bills, and I'm addition to that, our social security office made a mistake with my disability payments…. Eh, long story short, we had many financial stressors imposed upon us while we also were caring for a new baby.
As usual for us, our marriage became strengthened through these hardships and although it was draining for us, we were able to lean on each other. Things became brighter once he applied for and was hired at a new job and put in his 2 weeks notice. Finally, we would be able to be HAPPY with each other instead of barely above water, always stressed and tired and worried. Our sex life picked up, our relationship with each other improved even more, and even our kids were happier.
Right before leaving that job, he told me that a co-worker was interested in just making out with him once before he left. He had told me about her for the past year, that she knew he was poly, and they had admitted attraction to each other but he also admitted with all his current stressors, he was just not in a place to date. Additionally, it was our hope to conceive a third and final child once these current issues were delt with. But basically, this other woman’s request was not a surprise to me.
I expressed to the hubby my slight disappointment and unease at this arrangement but also sort of gave my blessing and even encouragement, as I knew he wanted to just at least connect with her for some time. So then quickly, just in his last week at his job, they kissed, slept together, and began spending a ton of time communicating with each other, as is normal for NRE for a lot of people. After that first week, I again expressed how I was uncomfortable with the speed things were going. It had been 2 years since he had been seeing anyone else, and even longer for me, and I felt we needed to have a good sit down and discuss basic things like boundaries, expectations, scheduling of quality time, and all that. A regular check in of sorts, but also with new baby happening, things may have changed and we should talk about these things. He verbally agreed, but within another week told me that they were both deeply in love.
This was distressing because I still really felt unprepared, and as a stay at home mom, my day is filled with school scheduling, feeding a toddler, getting a grade schooler to his activities, homework, housework, family time, friend time, and my own personal pursuits, rehearsing once a week in my community chorus. Barely squeezing in marriage time too, but partly due to the fact that the hubby job was so stressful that he didn't have time for anything except work, worrying about work, and sleeping. We were both looking forward to almost celebrating his new job, and I felt I was jipped out of that because here we are, poly again, and I'm not ready. I'm really not ready, I feel blindsided.
I requested he pause or slow down. So that we could have our discussions and both be comfortable with this new arrangement. I felt like this was reasonable. This was met with tears and anger and frustration from him, as he was genuinely happier now, the job was great, he was more present and involved in parenting and our marriage. And his general health improved, why did I want to get in the way of his NRE that he now had emotional room for?
We went to our poly-friendly counsellor, we talked with each other a lot, but I feel like we’re getting nowhere. I feel angry and betrayed, I feel coerced to just go along with everything when I feel very uncomfortable with this, I'm also learning that his desire for kids has changed because of how it would affect his current relationship. I get things are always big and dramatic in the beginning of the relationship, but it hurts to feel like I'm suddenly on equal footing with this stranger (to me) who just entered my life without my consent and is now a huge factor in how I live with my husband. I feel like he didn't give my feelings any weight, and I feel like in part I allowed it to be this way and that maybe *I* give my own feelings less weight, too.
I'm just so angry. It's not fair, I hear myself saying a lot. I love her too, he spends all his time saying and didn't seem to understand that I didn't need that shoved in my face in every conversation as if I didn't know. As if that wasn't part of why I have such an aversion to just demanding he alter his involvement with her. I feel as if I were getting dressed for a nice stroll in the park with my husband on a finally beautiful day, but before I finished getting sundress and cute heels on, he and this other woman have suddenly started running a race, hand in hand and I'm expected to take his hand and keep up, when I didn't even put my running shoes on, i don't have the right bra on for this, I didn't know we were suddenly taking off and not sure I even want to. I didn't know this was happening, I didn't stretch beforehand, and here they are, halfway down the track already, and he's starting to ask how I feel about fluid bonding! Slow down! Stop! Wait for me to catch up, I want to yell! I am not ready yet, I can and probably will be, but if you can’t even pause to let me get my bearings, how much do you really care about my well being? I feel almost betrayed, and that we're trying to work on the marriage while he still sees the woman he cheated on me with. (It's not like that, really, I just mean it in the way that it blocks any healing from occurring while hurt is still happening). He is really invested in spending quality time with me (now, of course) and is taking on a lot more of the emotional work in the marriage now that he has room for it. He's working hard at this, but it still seems like he's working hard at dragging me down the running track with him untiI can finally run myself. I don't feel like I'm consenting to this, which is why it feels close to betrayal. He has suggested boundaries he wants to put in place with him and his relationship which he agrees should have been there in the first place.
But in the end, I guess I need to take care of myself first, right? I need to honor my own feelings which I don't do as often. And I feel like I need to be not so enmeshed with him and all this to do that right now. I want to be…. I kinda don't want to be his primary right now. I almost want to be alone, to first lick my wounds and then to get myself on the right footing before I start dealing with us living a polyamory lifestyle again. Since he's already *there* I need to do this on my own.
But we live together, we co-parent, we are close with both of our families, we are of limited financial means, so physically separating is impossible. I can weather the NRE he’s in, but i still need to feel like my feelings and needs are being given weight, and I just can't with him right now.
Is that possible? Can we be married and co parent and be as involved with everything as we are and still have emotional time for myself? I want to be *out* of it all right now, and even our counsellor suggested I first need time away from active parenting and alone time more. I'm having trouble getting my alone time when it's filled with anger at being betrayed and his refusal to slow down. Slow down how, he asks? We’re so deeply in love, etc.
I guess what I'm asking for is suggestions for how to work this all in. How to I make sure i'm valuing myself? How do I separate myself from my hubby’s relationship, especially when I'm also his best friend that he comes to for advice on these things “Do you think she’ll like it if I give her this drawing I made?” “Can you put the kids to bed while I go to her work and bring her some chocolate because she had a hard day? When I get back I want to watch a movie with you,” etc. I love being there for him as a friend, but I'm still so angry. I want to be alone, but I'm mad at him for taking away our expected honeymoon from stress and instead making feel like being alone is the best option.
Sorry, I know this is a lot, but can someone give any suggestions on how I can work through these icky feelings?
But whatever, we worked on stuff, and acknowledged the places where we could have used more honest communication between each other and more honesty with ourselves. That other relationship ended before I gave birth, and for the past almost 2 years now, the two of us have essentially been monogamous with each other and focused on parenting and other life stresses. I have an ongoing relationship with the man I first started dating 5 years ago, Mr. C. although it was understood that I couldn't give our relationship as much time and energy as before as I needed/wanted to allocate much of that to the new baby and our other child. We didn't break up, but he wasn't someone in our lives, basically. I communicate with him maybe once every 2 months, it's almost ad if we’re not involved at all.
The hubby’s job was pretty stressful for him and we encountered numerous issues with his company messing up his leave of absence and accidently dropping us from health insurance multiple times causing me to deal with stacks and stacks of medical bills, and I'm addition to that, our social security office made a mistake with my disability payments…. Eh, long story short, we had many financial stressors imposed upon us while we also were caring for a new baby.
As usual for us, our marriage became strengthened through these hardships and although it was draining for us, we were able to lean on each other. Things became brighter once he applied for and was hired at a new job and put in his 2 weeks notice. Finally, we would be able to be HAPPY with each other instead of barely above water, always stressed and tired and worried. Our sex life picked up, our relationship with each other improved even more, and even our kids were happier.
Right before leaving that job, he told me that a co-worker was interested in just making out with him once before he left. He had told me about her for the past year, that she knew he was poly, and they had admitted attraction to each other but he also admitted with all his current stressors, he was just not in a place to date. Additionally, it was our hope to conceive a third and final child once these current issues were delt with. But basically, this other woman’s request was not a surprise to me.
I expressed to the hubby my slight disappointment and unease at this arrangement but also sort of gave my blessing and even encouragement, as I knew he wanted to just at least connect with her for some time. So then quickly, just in his last week at his job, they kissed, slept together, and began spending a ton of time communicating with each other, as is normal for NRE for a lot of people. After that first week, I again expressed how I was uncomfortable with the speed things were going. It had been 2 years since he had been seeing anyone else, and even longer for me, and I felt we needed to have a good sit down and discuss basic things like boundaries, expectations, scheduling of quality time, and all that. A regular check in of sorts, but also with new baby happening, things may have changed and we should talk about these things. He verbally agreed, but within another week told me that they were both deeply in love.
This was distressing because I still really felt unprepared, and as a stay at home mom, my day is filled with school scheduling, feeding a toddler, getting a grade schooler to his activities, homework, housework, family time, friend time, and my own personal pursuits, rehearsing once a week in my community chorus. Barely squeezing in marriage time too, but partly due to the fact that the hubby job was so stressful that he didn't have time for anything except work, worrying about work, and sleeping. We were both looking forward to almost celebrating his new job, and I felt I was jipped out of that because here we are, poly again, and I'm not ready. I'm really not ready, I feel blindsided.
I requested he pause or slow down. So that we could have our discussions and both be comfortable with this new arrangement. I felt like this was reasonable. This was met with tears and anger and frustration from him, as he was genuinely happier now, the job was great, he was more present and involved in parenting and our marriage. And his general health improved, why did I want to get in the way of his NRE that he now had emotional room for?
We went to our poly-friendly counsellor, we talked with each other a lot, but I feel like we’re getting nowhere. I feel angry and betrayed, I feel coerced to just go along with everything when I feel very uncomfortable with this, I'm also learning that his desire for kids has changed because of how it would affect his current relationship. I get things are always big and dramatic in the beginning of the relationship, but it hurts to feel like I'm suddenly on equal footing with this stranger (to me) who just entered my life without my consent and is now a huge factor in how I live with my husband. I feel like he didn't give my feelings any weight, and I feel like in part I allowed it to be this way and that maybe *I* give my own feelings less weight, too.
I'm just so angry. It's not fair, I hear myself saying a lot. I love her too, he spends all his time saying and didn't seem to understand that I didn't need that shoved in my face in every conversation as if I didn't know. As if that wasn't part of why I have such an aversion to just demanding he alter his involvement with her. I feel as if I were getting dressed for a nice stroll in the park with my husband on a finally beautiful day, but before I finished getting sundress and cute heels on, he and this other woman have suddenly started running a race, hand in hand and I'm expected to take his hand and keep up, when I didn't even put my running shoes on, i don't have the right bra on for this, I didn't know we were suddenly taking off and not sure I even want to. I didn't know this was happening, I didn't stretch beforehand, and here they are, halfway down the track already, and he's starting to ask how I feel about fluid bonding! Slow down! Stop! Wait for me to catch up, I want to yell! I am not ready yet, I can and probably will be, but if you can’t even pause to let me get my bearings, how much do you really care about my well being? I feel almost betrayed, and that we're trying to work on the marriage while he still sees the woman he cheated on me with. (It's not like that, really, I just mean it in the way that it blocks any healing from occurring while hurt is still happening). He is really invested in spending quality time with me (now, of course) and is taking on a lot more of the emotional work in the marriage now that he has room for it. He's working hard at this, but it still seems like he's working hard at dragging me down the running track with him untiI can finally run myself. I don't feel like I'm consenting to this, which is why it feels close to betrayal. He has suggested boundaries he wants to put in place with him and his relationship which he agrees should have been there in the first place.
But in the end, I guess I need to take care of myself first, right? I need to honor my own feelings which I don't do as often. And I feel like I need to be not so enmeshed with him and all this to do that right now. I want to be…. I kinda don't want to be his primary right now. I almost want to be alone, to first lick my wounds and then to get myself on the right footing before I start dealing with us living a polyamory lifestyle again. Since he's already *there* I need to do this on my own.
But we live together, we co-parent, we are close with both of our families, we are of limited financial means, so physically separating is impossible. I can weather the NRE he’s in, but i still need to feel like my feelings and needs are being given weight, and I just can't with him right now.
Is that possible? Can we be married and co parent and be as involved with everything as we are and still have emotional time for myself? I want to be *out* of it all right now, and even our counsellor suggested I first need time away from active parenting and alone time more. I'm having trouble getting my alone time when it's filled with anger at being betrayed and his refusal to slow down. Slow down how, he asks? We’re so deeply in love, etc.
I guess what I'm asking for is suggestions for how to work this all in. How to I make sure i'm valuing myself? How do I separate myself from my hubby’s relationship, especially when I'm also his best friend that he comes to for advice on these things “Do you think she’ll like it if I give her this drawing I made?” “Can you put the kids to bed while I go to her work and bring her some chocolate because she had a hard day? When I get back I want to watch a movie with you,” etc. I love being there for him as a friend, but I'm still so angry. I want to be alone, but I'm mad at him for taking away our expected honeymoon from stress and instead making feel like being alone is the best option.
Sorry, I know this is a lot, but can someone give any suggestions on how I can work through these icky feelings?
It really really really sucked. We also did couples and individual counseling for several years, but it didn't mend our marriage. It helped me grow more independent though, and I finally divorced him. He never fell out of love with Ms New and Shiny. I moved on. It was very hard. I am way better off now. I found someone who does poly right and who loves me and treats me way better than my ex h ever did. 
