Candie's dilemma, partner feeling left out (moved by mod)

Candie

New member
Oh my goodness!! I just found this group and message area today because I wanted to find support / advice for this! My primary partner is feeling left out because he does not have a solo partner and I have three. (two local)
He is telling me to limit to one for now. I do not want to do this.

I have been committed nesting partnership with J for over a year. On our first date he told me he is Poly and I had NO idea what it was 🤣.
I learned about ENM and finally felt validated because there was a name for what I have felt since I first fist started dating as a teen! I TRIED monogamous relationships & was married/divorced 3 times.

When J & I first started dating I was in two special friendships (G & D). Flirting, spending time together socially and learning about each other, early dating stuff. They both knew about each other and I did not take it physically any farther than kissing, cuddling at the time because of my recent divorce.

J and I quickly became immersed in each other’s lives when we stared dating and developed a loving relationship… nested. I remained close friends (huggs but no more kissy face) with G & D. All knew about each other and J met them in social situations.

D & J and I actually spend a lot of time together socially through out my whole relationship with J. Camping, kayaking, nude beaches, mud runs, live music, festivals, naked in hot tub… so D & J are good friends too.

Six months ago at one of our hot tub nights at D’s house the three of us started talking about J & I opening up our relationship and what it would look like if D & I became more involved. I was a super happy girl that day!!!!! When weather got cold we moved D’s hot tub to our house.

So J & I opened our relationship. My relationships with G & D where rekindled and are growing closer.
J and I each made accounts online for dating.
I have three partners D, G and K (met on dating app). All relationships are open, honest, and are fulfilling in unique ways.
I spend one or two days a week total with D, G or K.
I continue to have a nurturing, loving relationship with J. We agree we both feel secure, loved and cared for in our primary relationship and make the choice every day to care for each other. We check in with each other regularly and make time for us!!

J has had a few solo dates but does not have a regular partner yet. I do what I can to help him find a partner.
I found local poly group meet up group and took him to event in hopes of him finding a connection. We created joint accounts for swingers and now date together also.

J still feels left out and that it is not fair that I have two local partners and he does not have one yet. G moved to FL recently so now only D & K local.

J wants me to choose to only date one solo partner now because he does not have a solo partner. He feels that it is not fair.
He agrees that our relationship is strong and he feels secure, loved and satisfied with the time we spend together (romantic, sexual, social, family time).
At this time choose to only have one or two solo dates a week to make sure J and I are priority. I am doing what I can to support J in finding partner, prioritize him and our relationship and have even gone out of my comfort zone by swinging with him.

I do not want to have to choose between K or D and even if I did I would still spend the same amount of time (one or two days a week) dating. I do not see the reason to choose one when I would be outside our primary relationship the same amount of time. I want to continue to nourish each relationship and not leave one behind. It is not loving to D or K. As it is we miss each other when not together. And would still like to take a 2 night trip to FL to spend time with G in April during mg spring break from work.

I don’t understand why the number of partners makes a difference when the time away from the primary relationship would be the same. Each relationship provides a unique, special feelings and connection. I do not wish to choose to stop a relationship at this time yet do not want J to feel hurt.

I want freedom to choose and only have veto if one of my other partnerships is a threat or disrespectful of our primary and that is not the case at all. J feels safe and secure that there is not a threat.

Not sure how to proceed. I finally felt free to be me now feeling myself pushing away from J since he requested this a couple days ago because I do not want to be managed/ controlled. I also want to respect my partners. J is so sweet, loving, and accepting of me.
 
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Hello Candie,

For one thing, it would not be fair to D, G, or K for you to break up with two of them just to soothe J's insecurities. To say nothing about how doing that would make you feel. I think it would be fair to give J your word that you won't look for any new partners, but it would not be fair to jettison a partner who is already established. I guess my advice would be to explain this to J. It isn't your fault (nor D's, G's, nor K's fault) that J doesn't have a solo partner at this time. Granted, it's not J's fault either, but why should you have to make the sacrifice? Eventually J will have a solo partner, and then none of this will matter.

I hope the two of you can work this out. I do not think you should have to break up with any of your existing partners.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I guess one question is what fairness means to J: would they think it is fair if your heart breaks? would they think it is fair if your other partners' hearts break? it feels like there are insecurities on the part of J and they need support to overcome them. this request stems from a difficult place inside them and we need to understand what that is
 
I am going to give your partners nicknames for clarity.

J=John (nesting partner)
D=Dave (local)
K=Keith (local)
G=Greg (moved to another state)

John's sense of "fairness" is misplaced. You may have put more work into nurturing your other relationships. You knew Greg and Dave even before you met John! Keith is newer but he has moved away. This is especially ironic since John himself was out as poly even before you knew what it meant.

How was his luck with poly dating before you met him?

In a healthy relationship, one partner does not get to tell the other partner how many friends they can have. In poly, one partner does not get to tell their partner how many lovers they can have. It is reasonable to limit the amount of dates with others you have in a week or a month. And you are doing that. I assume there are also limits on time you spend texting or having phone calls. It sounds like you and John make a point of dating each other, having quality time. You're even starting to swing with John just so he can have some sex with others (or at least watch).

I don't see what else you can do. You do not have to go out of your way to help John find a partner. You've done some swinging. You helped him find a local poly meetup group. Now the ball is in his court. He will find prospective dating partners eventually if he is attractive enough: well groomed, reasonably fit, an interesting conversationalist, a good listener, kind, good sense of humor, good bedroom skills, etc.

Poly dating is a long game. You don't get instant gratification. Dating takes work and patience, and relationships need to be nurtured.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent.

FWIW? Here's what I think when I read your post.

He is telling me to limit to one for now. I do not want to do this.

Could say "No, thank you. I won't be doing that request. I'm not dropping people just because you want me to."

J has had a few solo dates but does not have a regular partner yet. I do what I can to help him find a partner.
I found local poly group meet up group and took him to event in hopes of him finding a connection. We created joint accounts for swingers and now date together also.

Not really your job to help him date. Though I guess if you are willing to read/edit spelling on his profiles or something small like that could be ok. Depends on how involved you are in his dating process.

This kinda sounds TOO involved though.

Because if you are super involved it might make him think he has say in YOUR poly dating process. When he doesn't.

If you are coming at it like "group project" can you see how that might lead to him thinking EVERYTHING is a group project?

Poly isn't some tit for tat competition thing either.

You each have your own dating style. You each date different people. How each dyad unfolds is just gonna be different.

J wants me to choose to only date one solo partner now because he does not have a solo partner. He feels that it is not fair.

WHAT is not fair? You each can date other people. It is fair enough.

One doesn't order up solo partners like getting fries at the drive thru.

At this time choose to only have one or two solo dates a week to make sure J and I are priority. I am doing what I can to support J in finding partner, prioritize him and our relationship and have even gone out of my comfort zone by swinging with him.

If you don't enjoy swinging? STOP.

Why are you doing SO much emotional labor here? Like propping him up?

I do not wish to choose to stop a relationship at this time yet do not want J to feel hurt.

So don't stop any of your relationships.

Is that YOUR issue? You have a hard time watching a partner work through their feelings? It upsets you to see them upset?

So you get over involved trying to fix J's feelings so YOUR upset feelings are ok? Liking going at it from the back door?

I want freedom to choose and only have veto if one of my other partnerships is a threat or disrespectful of our primary and that is not the case at all. J feels safe and secure that there is not a threat.

So say "No, thank you. I won't be meeting that request."

Is that the problem? You are a people pleaser and have a hard time telling people "No?"


Not sure how to proceed. I finally felt free to be me now feeling myself pushing away from J since he requested this a couple days ago because I do not want to be managed/ controlled. I also want to respect my partners. J is so sweet, loving, and accepting of me.

Kinda sounds like you are making it be a bigger deal than it has to be.

Just say "No, thank you" and let J deal with his feelings around that answer.

And expect J to figure out how to improve his social skills, patience, where he meets people -- and whatever else he needs to be doing over THERE in his poly dating.

You don't have to get all up in that. Do less.
 
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