Most of our encounters have been with FWB type of deal as well. Although, they were not super good, longtime friendships.
Casual Sex - Discussion
- Thread starter sweetmama
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Most of our encounters have been with FWB type of deal as well. Although, they were not super good, longtime friendships.
I like casual sex, but I rarely orgasm with a stranger. Even friends that I know and really like can't make me climax. I liked swinging cause of the rush and the fun sex I could have with my husband afterwards.
Inyourendo
New member
Same here. We met a couple once. We thought they were poly, we went for a get together and ended up sleeping with them. Turns or they were hard core swingers and they had no intetest in being anything to us. It really hurt, I liked them and felt used. I have no interest in swinging but I do enjoy fwb, the friendship really needs to be there.
redpepper
Active member
My husband and I used to swing and engage in casual sex before I met my now live-in bf and two other partners. I don't swing anymore, as I never liked it or felt comfortable with it. I don't blossom into a healthy sexual person in such circumstances. I have in the committed relationships I am now in.
The first thing I find out from new loves is their personal take on swinging, and if they are interested in casual sex. I won't date people who are swingers or engage in casual sex, but I have a number of friends who are into it all. I find it to be a complete turn-off. As much as I've tried to get the appeal, I just can't. Each to their own, though. There are people who fit my life and people who don't. I just don't fit into an intimate relationship with anyone who enjoys casual sex.
The first thing I find out from new loves is their personal take on swinging, and if they are interested in casual sex. I won't date people who are swingers or engage in casual sex, but I have a number of friends who are into it all. I find it to be a complete turn-off. As much as I've tried to get the appeal, I just can't. Each to their own, though. There are people who fit my life and people who don't. I just don't fit into an intimate relationship with anyone who enjoys casual sex.
NutBusterX
New member
For me, sex is far less rewarding when I don't have a deep emotional connection. with my partner. There have been no lack of offers, for either of us, but I'm about 98% sure it isn't something I'd enjoy.
IndieSolo
Active member
Never been a swinger, and I can't even date an ex-swinger without feeling weird about it. I have no qualms about being with someone who has had an active sex life with many partners. It's just that the impression I get about swinging (from what I've been told) is that it's so-o-oo regimented and extremely measured. I've conversed online with people who have specific formulas for the threesomes or swaps they do with swing partners, like they only give 20% attention to a new swing partner and make sure 80% must go to established partner - yuck! I dislike a rules-based approach to sex. I also dislike how, in swinging it is all supposed to be strictly unemotional and purely recreational. I'd be very cautious about dating anyone who enjoyed that because I don't want to be a toy. I have thought about going to a sex club as just an observer, to see what the appeal is, but it would be just to satisfy my curiosity from an anthropological perspective. I'm curious about a lot of things I would never, ever want to actually do.
I have nothing against having casual sex, but that doesn't mean I have random sex with strangers, and I wouldn't call the kind of casual sex I engage in "no strings," either. I want some kind of connection beyond the physical. That being said, I don't have the kinds of committed partners that are fully-entwined in my day-to-day life. My poly approach is mostly to develop friendships with men that I want to also have sex with, as I don't want those boyfriend-type of partnerships and want more casual parameters for my relationships. So, for me, there is no commitment nor need to be sexually faithful to the people I get involved with, although I like to be informed of what my FWBs are up to, from a safety standpoint.
For lots of people, two relationships is quite enough. Nothing odd about that. Practicing polyamory doesn't automatically mean you have to go around having a sexual free-for-all or remain open to any possibility that comes along. Sounds like you're satisfied with what you have - how nice!
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jones
New member
I don't know if it's a temporary feeling, but the thought of swinging makes me feel cheapened while before it made me feel like I was having a good time. Perhaps it's a side effect of NRE? No sure. Thanks for the reply
It depends on a lot of different things for me. I met some great people and not so great people. When I started swinging it was fun, and then I got feelings for someone (who I don't talk to anymore) and I thought maybe I am not cut out for swinging. And then I met A and have been very happy ever since.
Marcus
Well-known member
I've had casual sexual encounters in the past with people I'd just met and enjoyed it a great deal. It's something I've only done a couple of times and is not a primary interest for me. I'm much more interested in intimate connection and feelings of love these days, so I am not moved to get involved in a casual-sex-type of situation (like swinging).
I don't have anything against swingers. It seems like a natural transition for people to move from monogamous to some form of swinging, and then possibly to polyamory. I suppose my previous relationships could be seen as swinging-lite, since we didn't do clubs or other swingers, but there was plenty of restricted play with friends, etc.
As far as sex with "no strings attached": I don't like the idea of assumptions being tacked on to my relationships or encounters. Not sure what "strings" come with having sex with someone, or falling in love with someone, but I know I don't want them tied to me!
I have been a swinger since I was 18. I do enjoy parts of it, but haven't done it in years. Recently figured out why. It wasn't just about the sex. The sex is nice. However, I am really wary of STDs, and it is all I can think about when considering sex with a person whom I have no knowledge of their background.
Only in the past couple weeks have I had the epiphany that I have been poly all along. I wouldn't mind swinging with my boys, but it would be better if the SO found himself a poly situation with a bisexual poly girl that he also enjoyed spending time with. Otherwise, I have a hard time relaxing.
Only in the past couple weeks have I had the epiphany that I have been poly all along. I wouldn't mind swinging with my boys, but it would be better if the SO found himself a poly situation with a bisexual poly girl that he also enjoyed spending time with. Otherwise, I have a hard time relaxing.
DBannister
New member
My wife and I tried swinging because we knew we wanted something more than we had. Casual sex always left us feeling a little empty afterward. We were GOOD at swinging, in that we never got jealous, and always had a good time with other partners, and seeing each other with other partners, but we wanted that connection with the people we were in bed with.
Enter polyamory. Enter a whole new set of problems. It's easy to find people we both want to (or are at least willing to) have sex. Being intimate and involved in a loving relationship is a whole new ball of wax.
We could never go back to swinging, though. It's the feelings that are far more important to us than the sensations anyway.
Enter polyamory. Enter a whole new set of problems. It's easy to find people we both want to (or are at least willing to) have sex. Being intimate and involved in a loving relationship is a whole new ball of wax.
We could never go back to swinging, though. It's the feelings that are far more important to us than the sensations anyway.
I have never tried swinging. I think that if I got into a relationship with primary style entanglements like a shared home, went back to work, maybe knocked out another kid or two, I wouldn't have the time for more than one romantic relationship. Swinging might be a way, then, for me to exercise my need to have more than one partner in some form.
My libido isn't dependent on love. Many poly people think that casual sex is somehow against being poly. That polyamory is only about loving more than one person, and relationships that are focused around sex are "less than" polyamory, and the people who have them are not polyamorous. As I said on another thread, I think if your form of ethical non-monogamy allows only for sexually-focused relationships and prohibits emotional and/or romantic connections with other people, then it is an open relationship, as opposed to a polyamorous relationship. However, people who have or can have more than one romantic partner as part of an ethically non-monogamous relationship and also have interactions and relationships that are sexually focused and lack the romantic elements, still fit in the polyamorous category, in my opinion.
Arrowbound
New member
I don't think I've ever wanted to swing, but I am still interested in connecting with people while not necessarily being in a relationship with them, more so situations steeped in friendship.
I would LOVE that. I had it when I was single, so I know it's possible. lol
I would LOVE that. I had it when I was single, so I know it's possible. lol
Squashking
Member
pigola ossuary
Never tried swinging although I have on occasion, "suggested" that it would be fun to try.
My wife and I were in a very happy monogamous marriage for the past 13 years until this time last year when something magical and unexpected happened (copious wine + hot tub) with another couple who happen to be our very best friends. It's funny, the morning after, all glowing with NRE, and weird feelings of "what the fuck are we doing?" it was actually quite frightening and exciting, all at the same time. I will never forget that feeling.
So poly found us, I suppose, and NO ONE was looking for it, both couples coming from happy and solid marriages with families. We are in a closed quad, and outside of several bumps in the road, everything is going exceptionally well.
Yes, the sweet and subtle difference between fantasy vs reality. I have always been intrigued to try swinging. And now that I am in a poly relationship I have been intrigued with the notion of hooking up with someone else. (Fantasy)
However, I can safely say that I am very happy in our closed quad and have no desire to do anything different with anyone. We care about this other couple very deeply, and yes, the sex is wonderful. We live close by, and we are deeply connected to each other's daily lives and families. Our situation, IMHO, is "perfect". (Reality)
~S
Never tried swinging although I have on occasion, "suggested" that it would be fun to try.
My wife and I were in a very happy monogamous marriage for the past 13 years until this time last year when something magical and unexpected happened (copious wine + hot tub) with another couple who happen to be our very best friends. It's funny, the morning after, all glowing with NRE, and weird feelings of "what the fuck are we doing?" it was actually quite frightening and exciting, all at the same time. I will never forget that feeling.
So poly found us, I suppose, and NO ONE was looking for it, both couples coming from happy and solid marriages with families. We are in a closed quad, and outside of several bumps in the road, everything is going exceptionally well.
Yes, the sweet and subtle difference between fantasy vs reality. I have always been intrigued to try swinging. And now that I am in a poly relationship I have been intrigued with the notion of hooking up with someone else. (Fantasy)
However, I can safely say that I am very happy in our closed quad and have no desire to do anything different with anyone.
We care about this other couple very deeply, and yes, the sex is wonderful. We live close by, and we are deeply connected to each other's daily lives and families. Our situation, IMHO, is "perfect". (Reality)~S
Marcus
Well-known member
That's not an opinion, that's just understanding what polyamory is and stating as much. Polyamory doesn't have anything to do with what you do with your time, besides having (or having the ability to have) multiple loves. People who think that poly and varying levels of promiscuity are not compatible are entitled to design their lives however they choose, but if they think it is integral to the definition polyamory then they are also welcome to be incorrect.
Prior to my meeting IV, she was apparently promiscuous. She was in a poly relationship with CV and promiscuous!
Squashking said:
Red text is my addition.
I realize you probably know the reason that it is fantasy for you to have an outside lover, but for the sake of newer members I wanted to make the distinction clear. This is an example of a closed poly arrangement which does not permit additional loves or sexual partners outside the agreed-upon group. This distinction has nothing to do with poly and everything to do with the fact that is is designated as closed.
Squashking
Member
Thanks, Marcus. If poly is defined as multiple loves, I suppose our closed quad arrangement applies. I am still very new to all this... Never had I thought a lifestyle like this was even possible in our marriage. It is wonderful, supportive and fulfilling in every way. IMO, it requires far more communication, devotion, honesty and trust.
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writingholiday
New member
My wife and I tried swinging first when we initially opened up our marriage and started exploring non-monogamy. We had a hard time finding suitable couples. Either the attraction wasn't there, or they just weren't comfortable with the whole thing. We were pretty comfortable with it, but were pretty picky in regards to our partners. We were never very casual about casual sex.
I would love to find a way to have 'casual sex.' I'm having two amazing relationships but not getting laid. :/
Both of my partners are happy and supportive if I want to find another (for sex or a relationship, or whatever it is that I need.)
I don't feel like I want/need/could handle another significant relationship in my life, but on the other hand, I'm not sure sex without connection would work for me.
So, friends with benefits-- what's all that about?
Both of my partners are happy and supportive if I want to find another (for sex or a relationship, or whatever it is that I need.)
I don't feel like I want/need/could handle another significant relationship in my life, but on the other hand, I'm not sure sex without connection would work for me.
So, friends with benefits-- what's all that about?
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"Friends with benefits" means, to put it simply, that you have a friend with whom you have sex. It's not a romantic relationship per se, you're not in love, the emotional element isn't too strong, and there's not that much commitment. No more than you would have with a "regular friend." It's just that when you do get together (to hang out or what have you), you might have sex together as something fun to do.
Hopefully I've explained that correctly. I don't have FWB experience personally, so I am just going by what I've heard other people say.
Could be a solution for your dilemma, perhaps!
Hopefully I've explained that correctly. I don't have FWB experience personally, so I am just going by what I've heard other people say.
Could be a solution for your dilemma, perhaps!
Yes. Obviously I have wondered the same. Equally I can see myself going down the well-worn road of falling for the friend. What can someone who is so open to romantic relationships do to close off against the same? I have the right number of people in my world, but I continue to have these silly little sexual urges.
I think that it might be premature to worry about this at this stage. In my (arguably somewhat limited) experience, it's not inevitable that you will start to develop romantic feelings with someone you connect with sexually and on a friendship level. Even if you are the type (as I am) who does get emotionally closer to others via sex, because you probably won't be looking for someone with the same qualities as what you typically look for in a more romantic/committed partnership, it can have a very different feel about it. Hard to explain until you've been there, but I don't feel like I have to consciously close myself off to a more serious relationship. The friends-with-benefits type relationships that I have explored to date sort of just find their own level.
I'm currently dating a guy that I connect very well sexually and intellectually with; we are definitely friends as well as lovers. But he has a number of personality traits (as I'm sure I do with him!) that mean we would be ill-suited as anything more serious. We make time for each other when we *have* time, and so far it seems very well balanced in terms of not leaving either of us over-stretched with regards to our other partners. In short, if you don't want another serious long-term partner, don't look for someone that ticks all those boxes for you. Be up front about what you want (lots of hot sex, not so much on the commitment/romance aspects) and what you can offer (lots of hot sex, not so much on the commitment/romance aspects) and relax. You sound like you know your own limits and how much space you have in your life for other connections, and I think that puts you in a good frame for moving forwards.
Also, your sexual urges are not silly. They are important to you, and you shouldn't feel weird or awkward about wanting to feel fulfilled in this way.