Caught in a difficult situation

Xevyon

Member
One, she JUST broke up. If she's looking for a rebound relationship or woobie person it does not have to be you.
Thank you for your message! Doesn't seem like it is for a rebound. She didn't seem too pushy about seeing me in person, etc. That said I didn't inquire much, only know they broke up around 3 months ago so I can't dismiss it as a possibility.
Are you NOT wanting to let this go? You DO want to date the woman?

Then just ask her out properly on a romantic date. She will tell you "yes, thanks" or "no, thanks."

If she's always been kind to you? Be kind back by providing CLEAR INTENTIONS rather than pussyfooting around.

Yeah, that's true. We haven't been in contact these past few days but I did ask her to meet so I could be honest with things as I said and she said she would tell me when she is available.
I'm not sure how she feels about me but if she does come I'll be clear on things.
Are you NOT wanting to let this go? You DO want to date the woman?
Yeah. At first, I was not sure but as I expressed to Bariah I would be open to giving it a shot.
What exactly are you trying to salvage that you broke or messed up?
I mean trust. She could think I was dishonest and feel that me not having told her the first day as a problem somehow.
She even asked, "Why did you come to see me on purpose here in my city?"
And I kinda deflected it with a "why not".
But I will gently suggest you consider no longer being your own bully. The " I don't deserve her" down talk stuff. Why do that? Is this a habit?

And why not? You think you don't deserve to be around nice people?
Yeah, well haven't been too optimistic in relationships lately and since being poly had no luck.
Ironically, she acted more nervous than I did when we met but while I kept composure, inside I was feeling unworthy somehow. I know that that's not true but I felt like that anyway.

could be wrong, but most of this sounds like you not being direct in your communication with her and trying to mind reader or guess what she's thinking so you can ask her out and not risk her saying "No, thanks." Like you want to know the answer is gonna be "yes" before you ask the question so you don't have to feel yucky.

And kinda upset you can't magically do that. So it feels yucky anyway.
That's true. I've been feeling like a nervous wreck for the past two weeks.
This fence sitting thing doesn't sound like a pleasant place to sit. So... for what it is worth? I suggest getting off the fence.
Yes, you are right there. When I went to meet her on my mind I was like "oh, is just a meet-up. I just want to know how her better." But after I left it didn't seem enough. Inside me, I knew I wanted more out of this.
 

Xevyon

Member
So you still didn't tell her you're poly and have a girlfriend?

Ugh. I am going to be blunt here.

The #1 thing I figured out between age 21 and 41 (now) is how to suss out when a guy is actually seeing someone else and being vague about it. (I mean, I think I figured that out by age 28, but even now it stands out as the one thing I remember about being 21 and that I realize I didn't know how to navigate then, and definitely had to learn the hard way).

At 21 I would assume someone was totally single if they didn't mention a relationship. And that might have been true for many people age 18-21, the default is that you are often single at that age. But as people progress through their 20s, it gets more common for people to be in a relationship than single. So at 25 or 28 you might assume that anyone you meet is more likely to be in a relationship than single. But that was a surprise to me, and at 21 when I did meet a 28-year-old who paid attention to me, it wouldn't have occurred to me to even ask if he was seeing someone--I assumed since he clearly liked me that he was single.

I was incorrect. He swore later that he had never "directly lied" to me about it. Oh okay, thanks so much. Obviously he didn't try that on a woman his own age.

By 28, of course, I knew how to just ask directly if someone I like is seeing someone. Wouldn't even have occurred to me at 21.

And by then I could also read people better when they were being indirect or vague. And walk away if they couldn't communicate directly.

Yes, poly adds some complications to all that. I do sympathize that it can be hard to know when to tell someone I'm poly and seeing someone if we meet in a way where it has not come up obviously or organically.

But here is the thing. If this girl were you own age, she would know how to ask you things directly. Like ask you on a date, ask if you are single, etc. Being direct instead of hanging around like a fan girl and waiting for you to take the lead. Grown-up communication.

That's what most 21-year-olds can't do yet, unfortunately.

And it's on you to come clean about yourself, or walk away before confusing this poor girl any further.

At this point you are leading her on.
Thank you for your message! Yes, I know what you mean. I didn't exactly try to hide it cause when we started talking we kept it work-related and when we started talking more we discussed general topics but never relationships. She came out of the blue to my city and It was only then I saw it more seriously on my part. From that point forward I didn't know how to tell her things because I don't usually talk about being poly to people. I never asked her either if she had a boyfriend. She just told me about that ex after we met.
I'm not sure how she feels about me, to be honest. But if she does have feelings you are correct, it can be certainly seen as me leading her on and as I stated I wanna rectify this.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Yes, you are right there. When I went to meet her on my mind I was like "oh, is just a meet-up. I just want to know how her better." But after I left it didn't seem enough. Inside me, I knew I wanted more out of this.

Then perhaps it is best to start by being emotionally honest with yourself.

Then be honest with her. Something like "I'm interested in dating you. You need to know I'm poly, I have another partner, I'm kind of nervous about the age gap." Whatever else there is to share.

She will either be up for trying or not. And then you respect her answer. Either way she answers? You get to stop fence sitting.

And honestly? If the distance is a drag, do it on the phone or email or something so if it's "No, thanks" you at least save yourself the travel.

Galagirl
 

Xevyon

Member
Update:
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I talked with her and she was very kind and understanding.
We will have a date next Wednesday. She doesn't seem to mind me being poly and wants to learn more about it. She also came out as bi just not too long ago so I guess while different situations, it s a bonding thing.

Relating to the age issue, her previous boyfriend was only 2 years younger than me so is not like 2 more years matter too much for her.

I guess In the end I was overthinking and while it could have gone in a less favourable way my over analysis just made things worse.

I never had an actual poly relationship so I'm a bit nervous but I think she has shown a lot of maturity and I'm optimistic!

She wants to take things slow because her break up wasn't that long ago too and isn't ready for a commitment. So for now we will take small steps, get to know each other better and I'll try to make sure she feels comfortable too.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Xevyon,

Thanks for that update, it sounds like things are going well with her, and that is what I like to hear. Just take it slow cause she is not ready for a commitment; good on you for telling her about your poly, and good on her for being receptive about it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
Update:

I never had an actual poly relationship so I'm a bit nervous but I think she has shown a lot of maturity and I'm optimistic!

Oh, okay, I think this is important! If you said this earlier, I missed it. You are in a poly relationship with your girlfriend, but you haven't actually navigated dating other people yourself yet? No wonder you felt awkward mentioning your poly status to the new girl!

I'm glad you've communicated with her and things seems positive. Good luck and have fun!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I guess In the end I was overthinking and while it could have gone in a less favourable way my over analysis just made things worse.

Sometimes just getting on with it solves that "overthinking in circles" thing.

Glad to hear more direct communication sorted things out. It either gonna pan out or not, right?

And in this case, it sounds like both want to move on to dating and are taking it slow on both sides. Sounds reasonable to me.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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