Challenges of my wife's dating and relationships

[Jay41]

Hello,
I’m Jay, male 41, my wife Lisa is 37 and we’re married for almost 18 years now. We also have a daughter, Eve, almost 17.

I recently discovered this community and now I decided to get the courage to share about my situation, thinking that perhaps it would be somehow emotionally helpful for me to share. Or for others, I really don’t know. I just hope you would not be too judgmental on me or on us, as a family.

I have to admit, first of all, that I’ve never been actually a very “sexual” person, my libido often being sort of below par, in general, and never matched hers. However, we went along well over the years, and even though we discussed about our intimacy and also both going to therapy for a while, many years ago, but still the intimate side of our relationship rather silently struggled throughout the years.

In 2019, she decided to approach me on a difficult topic, a rather challenging one for our marriage: it was that there was someone at her work, a man colleague, who was interested in her for more than a year at the time, whose advances she refused until then. However, she admitted to me that it had not been easy for her to keep pushing him away, as she admitted that she sort of felt attracted to him, being somehow interested in him as well.

There were several discussions on this topic over about more than a week span, and I have to admit that they were emotionally draining ones, for both me and her, as she was also obviously quite uncomfortable approaching it. But she considered that it was the fair thing to do. She was not willing to end our marriage just for the sake of dating this colleague, but she inclined that perhaps it could be an option to eventually try dating him.

It was very tough for me hearing that, even though deep down I was rather understanding her situation and perspective. I admit we both shed a couple of tears throughout those several discussions. In a way, I appreciated her honesty, I knew that neither for her was it easy to open up, even though I admit that the whole thing hit me quite tough, emotionally. I also considered that it was fairer of her to approach me first about it, rather than cheating on me.

In conclusion, despite the toughness of the situation and the embarrassment that I felt, I eventually agreed and accepted her to start dating this man.

So she started dating him and getting along quite well together. I also got to meet him, as I wanted that, despite not being easy for me, but I felt it was the right way, so once, at their third date, we went out all 3 of us to get to know each other. I liked him, he was a polite man, he was aware of the awkwardness of the situation, especially for me, and he tried his best to respect that.

Starting with their next date, their 4th one, they inevitably got to intimacy, which again went quite well between them. At first they started at a hotel, as his home situation was complicated. Briefly, he was recently after a rough and expensive divorce and in a difficult financial situation and living at a friend family, at least on a temporary basis.

Eventually, a few months into their dating, given that we were not rich either and hotel expenses and all being a burden, we considered and eventually agreed that she could come with him at our home and spend time with him here. A challenging part was to discuss that with our daughter, but we did, we both took her aside and explained her the situation, that her mom has a friend, a bf actually, and that both of us, her mom and me are ok with that. And that he would be coming by our place from then on, at least for a while, and that the arrangement is that he would be staying in our bedroom, with her mom, that meaning that I would have to stay in the living room, where Eve was also sleeping, as we have only a 2 room apt. To our surprise and relief, Eve was more understanding than we expected, proving us how mature and kind she could be.

When he started coming by, it was not easy for me emotionally, I admit, as basically I was giving up my place to him into our bedroom. Moreover, in just a few months, 2020 came with the pandemics madness and lockdowns that started and, eventually, over the next 3 years, he basically moved in with us. However, we generally went along well, even though, in a way, it largely felt like he basically took my place in Lisa’s life, as her main partner, at least in what was concerning her intimacy part. I and her were quite seldom intimate over that time, and more of it rather consisting in some handjob from her to relief me once in a while. But as I said, given my rather general low libido, it was not like I was feeling actually any need for more. So, strictly from the physical perspective, I can say that there wasn’t any big frustration for me. From the emotional perspective, I could tell that it was more challenging, however, indeed.

However, I love my wife, and she continued to try to be as respectful towards me as she could.

In 2023 they eventually broke up, as he decided to accept a job abroad and to try to go on with his life. They separated in good terms, as also Lisa understood his situation and that he needed a big change and a financial upgrade in his life. He also has two kids to support, from his pervious marriage, to pay alimony and other expenses.

Ever since their separation, she continued to date once in a while, and with 2 of her dates things took a bit more serious path towards actual relationships, but eventually they proved to be on a few months term with each. One 6 months and one 4 months. She also continues to bring dates at home sometimes, as I agreed on that perspective.

In conclusion, it was challenging for me, especially. I admit it had not been easy trying to adjust to the idea and fact of my wife being polyamorous, nor to other daily challenges such as hearing her with a man from the other room, or seeing her going into showers with him and other awkward and difficult moments. But looking back now, I can tell that it was perhaps a right decision to accept it, as it definetly helped her, it added to her sense of living, and it also didn’t quite damage our marriage as much as we feared. Meaning that we still get along well, overall. And Eve has grown up getting used to the status of things and proved to be very understanding and adjustable and mature.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Jay,

You have certainly had your challenges, but you have faced them courageously, and you and Lisa are still going strong. It's also awesome how supportive Eve has been toward both of you. I don't think I have any advice, as you seem to be making the best possible adaptation out of the situation. If that changes, I'll let you know. I just appreciate that you shared your story with us, and hopefully the sharing was cathartic for you too. If there is anything I can be of help with, let me know. Carry on.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

I’m Jay, 41, my wife Lisa is 37 and we’re married for almost 18 years now. We also have a daughter, Eve, almost 17.

Hi Jay and welcome to the forum.

I recently discovered this community and now I decided to get the courage to share about my situation, thinking that perhaps it would be somehow emotionally helpful for me to share. Or for others, I really don’t know. I just hope you would not be too judgmental on me or on us, as a family.

This is really interesting to me because I just wrote a thread in the general section that may cross with some of the topics you're presenting here.

I have to admit, in the first place, that I’ve never been actually a very “sexual” person, my libido often being sort of below par, in general, and never matched hers. However, we went along well over the years, and even though we discussed about our intimacy and also both going to therapy for a while, many years ago, but still the intimate side of our relationship rather silently struggled throughout the years.

In 2019, she decided to approach me on a difficult topic, a rather challenging one for our marriage: it was that there was someone at her work, a man colleague, who had been interested in her for more than a year at the time, whose advances she refused until then. However, she admitted to me that it had not been easy for her to keep pushing him away, as she admitted that she sort of felt attracted to him, being somehow interested in him as well.

Up and to that point, with the therapy and such, how much research did either of you or your wife do on poly, ENM or opening of a marriage?
Was the idea to “just“ fix a sexual intimacy imbalance, or would you characterize it as a general romantic relationship disconnect?

There were several discussions on this topic over about more than a week span, and I have to admit that they were emotionally draining ones, for both me and her, as she was also obviously quite uncomfortable approaching it, but she considered that it was the fair thing to do. She was not willing to end our marriage just for the sake of dating this colleague, but she inclined that perhaps it could be an option to eventually try dating him.

At the time, was this supposedly more about an individual, rather than some sort of poly identity, or some horrible lack of sex on her part?

It was very tough for me hearing that, even though deep down I was rather understanding her situation and perspective. I admit we both shed a couple of tears throughout those several discussions. In a way, I appreciated her honesty, I knew that neither for her was it easy to open up, even though I admit that the whole thing hit me quite tough, emotionally. I also considered that it was fairer of her to approach me first about it, rather than cheating on me.

In conclusion, despite the toughness of the situation and the embarrassment that I felt, I eventually agreed and accepted her to start dating this man.

So she started dating him and getting along quite well together. I also got to meet him, as I wanted that, despite not being easy, but I felt it was the right way, so once, at their third date, we went out all 3 of us to get to know each other. I liked him, he was a polite man, he was aware of the awkwardness of the situation, especially for me, and he did his best to respect that.

Starting with their next date, their 4th one, they inevitably got to intimacy, which again went quite well between them. At first they started at a hotel, as his home situation was complicated. Briefly, he was recently after a rough divorce and in a difficult financial situation and living at a friend family, at least on a temporary basis.

Eventually, a few months into their dating, given that we were not rich either and hotel expenses and all being a burden, we considered and eventually agreed that she could come with him at our home and spend time with him here. A challenging part was to discuss that with our daughter, but we did, we both took her aside and explained her the situation, that her mom has a friend, a bf actually, and that both of us, her mom and me are ok with that. And that he would be coming by our place from then on, at least for a while, and that the arrangement is that he would be staying in our bedroom, with her mom, that meaning that I would have to stay in the living room, where Eve was also sleeping, as we have only a 2 room apt. To our surprise and relief, Eve was more understanding than we expected, proving us how mature and kind she could be.

When he started coming by, it was not easy for me, I admit, emotionally, that basically I was giving my place into our bedroom to him. Moreover, in just a few months, 2020 came with the pandemics madness that started and, eventually, over the next 3 years, he basically moved in with us, given all the lockdowns and such. However, we generally went along well, even though, in a way, it largely felt like he basically took my place in Lisa’s life, as her main partner, at least in what was concerning her intimacy part.

Would say when he moved in because of the physical space/living arrangement, you knew there was going to be a dramatic shift, a “downsizing of your relationship"? Or were you hopeful/expecting nothing would change, or maybe even some uptick in other offsetting ways in your relationship?

We were quite seldom intimate over that time, and more of it rather consisting in some handjob from her to relief me once in a while. But as I said, given my rather general low libido, it was not like I was feeling actually any need for more. So, strictly from the physical perspective, I can say that there wasn’t any big frustration for me. From the emotional perspective, I could tell that it was more challenging, however, indeed.

Who initiated those encounters? Did you ask for some nominal action, or did she just think it was good business practice when the right opponent came along? Do you think that this was because they then claimed the master bedroom as theirs and it was logistically awkward for her and bf and daughter?

However, I love my wife, and she continued to try to be as respectful towards me as she could.

Yes, awesome.

In 2023 they eventually broke up, as he decided to accept a job abroad and to try to go on with his life. They separated in good terms, as also Lisa understood his situation and that he needed a big change and a financial upgrade in his life. He also has two kids to support, from his pervious marriage, to pay alimony and other expenses.

How did she take the break up?
Were you the emotional tampon?
Did he move out after Covid prior to going abroad?
Was he or were all of you working during Covid?
How were the bills being paid?
That seems like an incredibly tight space for 4 people, especially a young couple in love/NRE.

Ever since their separation, she continued to date once in a while, and with 2 of her dates things took a bit more serious path towards actual relationships, but eventually they proved to be on a few months term with each. One 6 months and one 4 months. She also continues to bring dates at home sometimes, as I agreed on that perspective.

You know you’re allowed to change your mind if it’s not working for you?

In conclusion, it was challenging for me, especially. I admit it had not been easy trying to adjust to the idea and fact of my wife being polyamorous. But looking back now, I can tell that it was perhaps a right decision to accept it, as it definetly helped her, it added to her sense of living, and it also didn’t quite damage our marriage as much as we feared. Meaning that we still get along well, overall. And Eve has grown up getting used to the status of things and proved to be very understanding and adjustable and mature.

Isn’t that setting the bar low? It didn’t damage our marriage as much as we thought…. Wow. I don’t think most couples enter into this space anticipating damage just short of terminal. Is there any wisdom from your side which helped you avoid said damage?

 

[Jay41]

Hello Dingedheart, glad to meet you!

Up and to that point, with the therapy and such, how much research did either of you or your wife do on poly, ENM or opening of a marriage?

Back then we did absolutely zero research. The therapy times were during 2014-2016, something like that. So it was a while before 2019 when poly for us started.

The hope with the therapy was to find ways to maybe get able to improve our intimate activity. It was not fully in vain, as we did have some glimmers of improvement sometimes, for some periods. But not too long one, those periods alternating with other bad ones.

But anyway, the idea at the time was simply to save our marriage. I personally feared that she might eventually cheat on me or leave me for some other at some point, if we don't improve. But this ENM relationship type we had no idea about it, never considered it. Not even when we started this sort of lifestyle, we didn't actually know anything it. She never mentioned to having made any prior research or such.

Was the idea to “just“ fix a sexual intimacy imbalance, or would you characterize it as a general romantic relationship disconnect?

I think it was a mixture of both. First and mostly it was definetly the sexual intimacy imbalance, but of course, inevitably, that was affecting in a way our romantic connection too. I mean, in general, we did have at aleast a decent getting along with each other, up to good or very good, even.

But the romantic part was a struggle and inevitably that was affecting us sometimes. Even if she avoided complaining, I could feel the tension in her and some frustration. As much as i tried to compensate with other things, you cannot fully replace the lack of a consistent quality intimacy.

At the time, was this supposedly more about an individual, rather than some sort of poly identity, or some horrible lack of sex on her part?

The baseline of everything for her was definitely the lack of consistency in our intimate life. That was the main drive.

But of course, the other things added up as well, meaning that it was also about the individual, that he appeared in her life and being the insisting type with her, as her being rather vulnerable, it inevitably created this attraction / connection between them. She pushed him away for a while, but she couldn't remain immune to the attention that she was receiving from him.

And in the third place, the poly-identity sort of inherently developed after beginning the relationship with him. So that nowadays, we can talk about her poly-identity, given our past few years. Or to discuss about our mono-poly type of relationship, now it can make sense..

Would say when he moved in, because of the physical space/living arrangement, you knew there was going to be a dramatic shift, “downsizing of your relationship"? Or were you hopeful/expecting nothing would change, or maybe even some uptick in other offsetting ways in your relationship?

No, by the time he moved in (a few months into their relationship), I was aware what that meant for our relationship, that it would mean "downsizing" it.

That whole period meant dramatic shift within our relationship, as it was no longer just about me and Lisa, nor just about our family.
Now it was about their relationship too, as they had feelings for each other, can't be denied that there was love and unity developing there.

So, in a way, at least partly, their relationship was becoming even more important than me and I was aware of that and leaned to deal with it, as that was the reality. And gradually I think I succeeded in managing to deal with it, I adapted reasonably well. Not easy, but I did.

So, I didn't have unrealistic expectations.

Who initiated those encounters? Did you ask for some nominal action, or did she just think it was good business practice when the right opponent came along?Do you think that this was because they then claim the master bedroom as theirs and it was logistically awkward for her and bf and daughter?

She was initiating a little more than I did. However, such moments came sort of natural, when we happened to be just the two of us around the house, in the kitchen most likely, which was most often our "common interaction" space, or eventually just with Eve somewhere in the living room, minding her own business.

I and Lisa were getting sometimes closer to each other, such as hugging each other, or me kissing her forehead, exchanging kind smiles between us, etc. And then, in such moments, she was sometimes telling me that, if I feel some urge, then we could go to the bathroom so she would help me relief.

Even if that wasnt often overall, but most often of those times she was rubbing me in the bathroom, and most often when Martin (her bf) was away. Or eventually in the living room, at times, if also Eve wasn't at home. But it was not happening in the master bedroom anymore, even if he wasn't at home, as the bedroom she definitely felt like it was more of their own intimate space.

About 2-3 times in those years i remember that she did rub me when Martin was also at home, cause those times i was feeling tensed and I specifically asked her for a helping hand to cool me off. Martin was understanding, he waited in the bedroom for her to return from the bathroom with me.

How did she take the break up? Were you the emotional tampon? Did he move out after Covid, prior to going abroad? Was he or were all of you working during Covid? How were the bills being paid? That seems like an incredibly tight space for 4 people, especially a young couple in love/NRE.

Despite being fully understanding with him and even supporting him in following up his dreams and in pursuing his own success and financial recovery, she still suffered a lot, however, from the break-up. With one eye being happy for him, with the other one crying for their relationship.

Yes, inevitably I was an emotional tampon for her. I supported her and comforted her pain. I also got used to him being around, even I missed him some. Me and Martin had a reasonable relationship, we did not have much tensions between us.

He lived with us for the whole period of Covid and after, up until he left abroad. He did not move out in between.

We split the bills, but not in a drastic way. Sometimes we paid more, when he was lacking funds, other times he paid more. But in general, as much as he could afford, he was a generous type, often offering to pay for the groceries and other. We never had any money issues between us. And overall, as regards the bills, to my calculations he covered somewhere between 40%-50% of our common bills by himself.

Over the worst days of lockdowns we worked fully from home all of us. It was tough, all 4, basically, in a rather small space. They were colleagues at the same job and they were often working in the same room. I was splitting the living and kitchen with Eve. Also Lisa and Martin were sometimes splitting between bedroom and kitchen too, and I was staying in the living room then. with Eve around, doing her school chores. So, yes, it was tough and challenging with all 4 in the house for long periods, but we had to adjust.

And yes, especially for them, as a couple in love, that was challenging, but also good for them in a way, as they tried to make the best of their time together, enjoying a lot of intimacy the two of them together.

You know you’re allowed to change you mind if it’s not working for you?

Yes, I certainly know so. But on the other hand, I got more used to it by now.

As I said, it was not easy trying to adjust to the idea and fact of my wife being polyamorous, nor to other daily challenges such as hearing her with a man from the other room, or seeing her going into showers with him and other awkward and difficult moments.

But looking back now, I can tell that it was perhaps a right decision, because I love her like no one else and I want her to be happy.
I also feel her appreciative of me for the fact that I'm open to her seeing other men.

Isn’t that setting the bar low? It didn’t damage our marriage as much as we thought… Wow. I didn’t think most couples enter into this space anticipating damage just short of terminal. Is there any wisdom from your side which helped you avoid said damage?

Yes, it may sound like that, perhaps the bar was low in the beginning. Both of us were scared that by her dating/polyamory, our marriage might be affected up to a point of no return. We assumed that, especially I was more scared of it, of course, as I felt as the weak link.

But as I wrote above too, I love her the same or even more. Our relationship has changed, it is different now, not in a bad way or a good way. It's just different. We discovered each other differently now too, meaning also as friends, for instance, as close deep friends.

Standing by her side when she was suffering after the break-up with Martin, for instance, basically made us explore ourselves differently.
I mean, as I found myself in the situation of standing by her side as she suffered, i became more of her confident, of her closest person, friend.
And also explored myself as well, finding myself in the situation of supporting and comforting my own wife when suffering from love. For someone else. That felt awkward, but in a self-discovering way.

 

[Tinwen]

Thank you for providing an example of a challenging, yet working, mono-poly arrangement

Did you find any advantages for yourself in this setup, no matter how abstract? What's helps you ?

 

[New2polydude]

Did you feel more comfortable when she was dating 2 people, as opposed to only one? Once she started with her first partner, did you do anything to "perk up" your relationship with her? Speaking more about emotions and romance, not just sexual.

 

[dingedheart]

Hello Dingedheart, glad to meet you!

Thanks, it's nice to meet you as well.

The hope with the therapy was to find ways to maybe get able to improve our intimate activity. It was not fully in vain, as we did have some glimmers of improvement sometimes, for some periods. But not too long one, those periods alternating with other bad ones.

Looking back, were the failures due one or both of you not being totally committed to the process, or would you say it just boiled down to incompatibility?

But anyway, the idea at the time was simply to save our marriage. I personally feared that she might eventually cheat on me or leave me for some other at some point, if we don't improve.

So in other words, you saw or felt signs of her checking out? And this was 4 -5 yrs in front of your transition.

But this ENM relationship type we had no idea about it, never considered it. Not even when we started this sort of lifestyle, we didn't actually know anything it. She never mentioned to having made any prior research or such.

What about after things got rolling … was it every man for himself?

I think it was a mixture of both. First and mostly it was definitely the sexual intimacy imbalance, but of course, inevitably, that was affecting in a way our romantic connection too. I mean, in general, we did have at least a decent getting along with each other, up to good or very good, even.

But the romantic part was a struggle and inevitably that was affecting us sometimes. Even if she avoided complaining, I could feel the tension in her and some frustration. As much as i tried to compensate with other things, you cannot fully replace the lack of a consistent quality intimacy.

Looking back, what was the dating, romantic, and sexual relationship like prior to getting married? How long did you date each other prior to pulling the trigger?

The baseline of everything for her was definitely the lack of consistency in our intimate life. That was the main drive.

Have you been checked out medically in that regard?

But of course, the other things added up as well, meaning that it was also about the individual, that he appeared in her life and being the insisting type with her, as her being rather vulnerable, it inevitably created this attraction/connection between them. She pushed him away for a while, but she couldn't remain immune to the attention that she was receiving from him.

The poly-identity inherently developed after beginning the relationship with him... nowadays, we can talk about her poly-identity... discuss our mono-poly type of relationship.

From this brief description of your situation, I’m sort of skeptical if she’s really has a poly identity. She’s definitely operating in a poly dynamic space, but in terms of loving 2 romantic partners even under those conditions, it sounds like she's more mono than poly.

By the time he moved in (a few months into their relationship), I was aware what that meant for our relationship, that it would mean "downsizing" it.

Was that specifically spelled out to you, or did you just see the handwriting on the wall by her words and actions?

That whole period meant dramatic shift within our relationship, as it was no longer just about me and Lisa, nor just about our family. Now it was about their relationship too, as they had feelings for each other, can't be denied that there was love and unity developing there.

At least partly, their relationship was becoming even more important than me, and I was aware of that and leaned to deal with it... And gradually I think I succeeded in managing to deal with it.

How? What did you do to learn to deal with it?

She was initiating a little more than I did. However, such moments came sort of natural, when we happened to be just the two of us around the house, in the kitchen most likely, which was most often our "common interaction" space, or eventually just with Eve somewhere in the living room, minding her own business.

I and Lisa were getting sometimes closer to each other, such as hugging each other, or me kissing her forehead, exchanging kind smiles between us, etc. And then, in such moments, she was sometimes telling me that, if I feel some urge, then we could go to the bathroom so she would help me relief.

But there was never effort on her or your part to date and have some quality time in what used to be your bedroom with any kind of penetrative sex, a night, or a few hrs of passion? Forgive me, but the encounter you describe sounds more medical in nature than romantic connection.

[Mostly] she was rubbing me in the bathroom... when Martin was away. Or eventually in the living room, at times, if also Eve wasn't at home. But it was not happening in the master bedroom anymore, even if he wasn't at home, as the bedroom she definitely felt like was more of their own intimate space.

This sort of sounds like she was acting like she was cheating on Martin. Was that ever discussed, why you’re just worthy of a hand job? Please tell me she didn’t use a glove.

About 2-3 times in those years i remember that she did rub me when Martin was also at home. I was feeling tense and I specifically asked her for a helping hand to cool me off. Martin was understanding...

Seriously, you think he was understanding? He’s claimed you wife, your bed, your home, and you’re getting a hand job once a quarter in the bathroom from your wife of 18 yrs, and he’s being cool about it? Yeah, he probably thought making a big deal out of it might fuck up his situation.

 

[dingedheart]

Part 2

Despite being fully understanding with him and even supporting him in following up his dreams and in pursuing his own success and financial recovery, she still suffered a lot, however, from the break-up, with one eye being happy for him, the other one crying for their relationship.

How long was her mourning period? How long before she started dating again?

He lived with us for the whole period of Covid and after, up until he left abroad. He did not move out in between.

What was your daughter’s reaction to him leaving?
Did you get to move back into the bedroom?

Over the worst days of lockdown, we worked fully from home, all of us. It was tough, all 4, basically, in a rather small space. They were colleagues at the same job and they were often working in the same room. I was splitting the living and kitchen with Eve. Also Lisa and Martin were sometimes splitting between bedroom and kitchen too, and I was staying in the living room then. With Eve around, doing her school chores.

Wow, I can’t even imagine that scenario. Seriously, probably everyone involved deserves a medal.

As a couple in love, that was challenging, but also good for them in a way, as they tried to make the best of their time together, enjoying a lot of intimacy the two of them together.

Yes, I’m sure they had their share of challenges.

Yes, I certainly know so. But on the other hand, I got more used to it by now.

Is there or were there any red lines or "no-go" things? Or are you just willing to adapt or deal with what comes your way? In my head, there’s a difference between being desensitized to something and a preference for something else.

As I said, it was not easy trying to adjust to the idea and fact of my wife being polyamorous, nor to other daily challenges such as hearing her with a man from the other room, or seeing her going into showers with him and other awkward and difficult moments.

Is your wife a member of the forum or know you’ve posted here? Love to hear her thoughts on surrounding with the sights and awkward sounds of her being with another man.

I can tell that it was perhaps a right decision, because I love her like no one else and I want her to be happy. I also feel her appreciative of me for the fact that I'm open to her seeing other men.

How does she express that appreciation?

Yes, it may sound like that, perhaps the bar was low in the beginning. Both of us were scared that by her dating/polyamory, our marriage might be affected up to a point of no return. We assumed that, especially I was more scared of it, of course, as I felt as the weak link.

But as I wrote above too, I love her the same or even more. Our relationship has changed, it is different now, not in a bad way or a good way. It's just different. We discovered each other differently now too, meaning also as friends, for instance, as close deep friends.

Standing by her side when she was suffering after the break-up with Martin, for instance, basically made us explore ourselves differently.
I mean, as I found myself in the situation of standing by her side as she suffered, i became more of her confident, of her closest person, friend.
And also explored myself as well, finding myself in the situation of supporting and comforting my own wife when suffering from love. For someone else. That felt awkward, but in a self-discovering way.

After so much self discovery and so much intense time living in a poly household, have you considered dating yourself, having compartmentalized all the relevant relationship hurdles? Wouldn’t you enjoy finding a romantic intimate partner too? The right key always opens the right lock.

 

[Jay41]

Thank you for providing an example of a challenging, yet working, mono-poly arrangement

Did you find any advantages for yourself in this setup, no matter how abstract? What's helps you ?

I consider as advantage for me that we found a solution to keep our marriage going. I can’t see myself living without her and I would do anything I can for her to be happy. This setup took some of the pressure off us, it took the pressure off myself having to perform sexually as I feel like I can’t. It also took pressure off her too, as she can have intimacy this way, but still in the same time not having to split the family apart.

 

[Jay41]

Did you feel more comfortable when she was dating 2 people, as opposed to only one? Once she started with her first partner, did you do anything to "perk up" your relationship with her? Speaking more about emotions and romance, not just sexual.

She did not date those two that I mentioned in the same time. She dated several after the break-up with Martin, and I gave these two examples of the more potential dates tuning into relationships. But yes, even if I was already used to the overall situation by then, I suppose you can never be fully comfortable with it.
As perking up the relationship, once she started with her first partner I continued to support her emotionally and we’ve continued, in general, to be non-sexual affectionate to each other.

 

[Jay41]

Looking back, were the failures due one or both of you not being totally committed to the process, or would you say it just boiled down to incompatibility?

I don't think it was a commitment issue, but rather a compatibility issue. Or not even that, but rather the low libido that i've generally faced since forever, which I was not able to improve it in a sustainable long run, but only with efforts over limited periods of time.

So in other words, you saw or felt signs of her checking out? And this was 4 -5 yrs in front of your transition.

It was a tension due to our issues which we tried to find solutions for it. Of course that at some point these can boil up to the point of really considering separation, especially from her side, cause you can't stay frustrated forever. But on the other hand, over all those apprx 11 years up to the point of her dating someone else, our approach in general was to try to sort things out and solve them and not put more pressure on us by threats of leaving. But, inevitably I feared it anyway.

What about after things got rolling … was it every man for himself?

I don't think I understand the question, sorry? Can you please tell me more exactly what you mean?

Looking back, what was the dating, romantic, and sexual relationship like prior to getting married? How long did you date each other prior to pulling the trigger?

We dated for about a year before getting married and things went okayish. Not great, but not too bad either. I also was younger and bit more active at the time, even though early signs were noticeable that i was not having a big libido. However, our attitude was positive that whatever our issues were, we would manage to solve them.

Have you been checked out medically in that regard?

Yes, first of all did some other medical investigations such as testosterone levels and other, and the results were okayish. Not great, but reasonable. So the medical reasons excluded, we were directed towards therapy for eventually finding mental blocks that hold back my sex drive and consequently to find ways to increase it. Tried some treatments and the therapy, but it didn't really fully help, as I said. I improved sometimes, but did not manage to improve sustainably for the long run.

From this brief description of your situation, I’m sort of skeptical if she’s really has a poly identity. She’s definitely operating in a poly dynamic space, but in terms of loving 2 romantic partners even under those conditions, it sounds like she's more mono than poly.

Perhaps you're right, I don't know. We hadn't actually thought things too much from this perspective.

Was that specifically spelled out to you, or did you just see the handwriting on the wall by her words and actions?

Not specifically spelled out, but it was indirectly obvious and understandable.

How? What did you do to learn to deal with it?

But there was never effort on her or your parts to date and have some quality time in what used to be your bedroom with any kind of penetrative sex, a night, or a few hours of passion? Forgive me, but the encounter you describe sounds more medical in nature than romantic connection.

This sort of sounds like she was acting like she was cheating on Martin. Was that ever discussed, why you’re just worthy of a hand job? Please tell me she didn’t use a glove.

By being understanding of the situation and understanding of the new dynamic between us all, given his presence and given their romantic relationship.

No, there wasn't penetrative sex indeed, but she did add some oral at some of the handjobs, especially at the times when we saw that i was getting harder to cumming, when it was taking time and i couldnt get to cumming.

It was partly that sensation for her that she was like cheating on him, as indeed she was feeling that from the intimate point of view, Martin was her partner and most of her focus and resources on this part were more oriented towards her relationship with him. As I said in my first text, for me it wasn't a big problem that it was just the handjob combined sometimes with a bit of oral. She did not use gloves, no, of course not. But indeed, I felt at her, in general, during the relationship with Martin, that she became bit more modest in relation to me. I mean she was more avoiding to get naked in front of me and also during the handjobs she was not undressing completely, but rather letting me have a feel of her legs and sometimes, especially when she saw that I was struggling to get to cumming, besides the oral she was eventually revealing one of her breasts or both, in order to help me.by seeing them and touching them some.

And we did discuss these things througout those years and she was honest that that was how she felt at the time and asked me to be understanding with her. And I did understand her, told her that i get her and that it’s ok, if that’s what she feels, then that’s how she feels.

Seriously, you think he was understanding? He’s claimed you wife, your bed, your home, and you’re getting a hand job once a quarter in the bathroom from your wife of 18 yrs, and he’s being cool about it? Yeah, he probably thought making a big deal out of it might fuck up his situation.

Yes, you're also right, if you put it this way, it's also true. I meant that he was understanding as at the time, whether liking it or not, at the end of the day, they were the two ones involved in a romantic relationship.

 

[Jay41]

Part 2

How long was her mourning period? How long before she started dating again?

It was about 4 months, so much it took until she decided to start dating again.

What was your daughter’s reaction to him leaving? Did you get to move back into the bedroom?

Eve's reaction to his leaving was also one of being sorry, because over those years, she got used to him and they went along very well. Martin was a chill type of guy and very funny, in general, and he was often making her laugh. And making also Lisa and everyone laugh with jokes and funny remarks. I was laughing at his jokes as well. On the other hand, practically speaking, his leaving was creating more physical comfort for her as I did move in back to the bedroom after he left. Eversince his leaving it's been mixed, I generally sleep in the bedroom again, but when Lisa happens to bring home any of her dates, then I leave my place in the bedroom to him and go and sleep in the living room. Also when she had those more steady dates with the other two ones, I spent more nights in the living room again on those times.

Wow, I can’t even imagine that scenario. Seriously, probably everyone involved deserves a medal.

Yes, it wasn't easy. Most challenging was when having online meetings and we needed alone space to be able to speak or not be perturbed by someone else's spleaking. But we managed it. Eve was having online school and that's why we were often splitting the living and kitchen between us.

Is there or were there any red lines or "no-go" things? Or are you just willing to adapt or deal with what comes your way? In my head, there’s a difference between being desensitized to something and a preference for something else.

No, we did not establish "no-go" things, I / we adapted as things went along.

How does she express that appreciation?

She often told me she appreciates my efforts that I did for the things to work out. Also we kept up and even become more non-sexual affectionate to one another. Kisses, hugs, endearments.

After so much self discovery and so much intense time living in a poly household, have you considered dating yourself, having compartmentalized all the relevant relationship hurdles? Wouldn’t you enjoy finding a romantic intimate partner too? The right key always opens the right lock.

I have not felt like dating myself too. Up to this point, I've not felt interested in anyone else. And I feel like monogamous, even if my wife dates and sees others, as basically a poly, but I feel like mono. And I feel happy that I am with her and that we're around each other.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for sharing your story, Jay41. I am sure many people will read it, as we generally have about 3000 people at any one time reading on this board, most of whom never join and post! I believe you will help many.

I have long thought that, in long-term couples, if there is a huge libido difference, it is very kind and unselfish of the one with the lower, almost or completely non-existent libido, to consent to the one with the higher (more average, or above average) libido, to seek others to satisfy their desires. Those of us with higher libidos experience actual pain and suffering when we are prevented from sharing our sexualities with another human being. Masturbation is less than ideal, and being forced to make do with that can feel extremely lonely over time, to the point of depression and even desperation.

One thing to do is to split up and find another partner whose libido matches our own. One risk is when we meet someone who seems to match us, but their libido is fueled by "NRE" (new relationship energy), we find ourselves in the same boat again after one date, a few months, or two years, at most.

You and Lisa made the choice to remain together. You seem to be only able to afford a small one-bedroom apartment, which you already shared with your teen daughter, yet you moved Martin in and made do. You don't seem to have English as a first language, so maybe you live in an area where the populace often shares small homes with multiple adults? Otherwise, I'd want to ask how other family and friends viewed your cohabiting in a one-bedroom flat with another adult male, plus a teenage daughter. And even now that Martin left for better employment, Lisa continues to invite other "strange" men into your shared small home and into your main bedroom.

Many of us ended up with "strange bedfellows" during the pandemic, so if you deserve a medal, so do millions of other survivors!

 

[Jay41]

Thank you for sharing your story, Jay41. I am sure many people will read it, as we generally have about 3000 people at any one time reading on this board, most of whom never join and post! I believe you will help many.

I have long thought that, in long-term couples, if there is a huge libido difference, it is very kind and unselfish of the one with the lower, almost or completely non-existent libido, to consent to the one with the higher (more average, or above average) libido, to seek others to satisfy their desires. Those of us with higher libidos experience actual pain and suffering when we are prevented from sharing our sexualities with another human being. Masturbation is less than ideal, and being forced to make do with that can feel extremely lonely over time, to the point of depression and even desperation.

One thing to do is to split up and find another partner whose libido matches our own. One risk is when we meet someone who seems to match us, but their libido is fueled by "NRE" (new relationship energy), we find ourselves in the same boat again after one date, a few months, or two years, at most.

You and Lisa made the choice to remain together. You seem to be only able to afford a small one-bedroom apartment, which you already shared with your teen daughter, yet you moved Martin in and made do. You don't seem to have English as a first language, so maybe you live in an area where the populace often shares small homes with multiple adults? Otherwise, I'd want to ask how other family and friends viewed your cohabiting in a one-bedroom flat with another adult male, plus a teenage daughter. And even now that Martin left for better employment, Lisa continues to invite other "strange" men into your shared small home and into your main bedroom.

Many of us ended up with "strange bedfellows" during the pandemic, so if you deserve a medal, so do millions of other survivors!

Hello Magdlyn, nice to meet you and thank you for your nice words,

Indeed, English is not my first language, but I hope I’m not too annoying with my wording. And yes, small apartments is not something unusual around.

We got mixed reactions from other extended family members and friends. We avoided letting everyone know, but some inevitably know.

Some were quite judgemental on me and / or on Lisa, by telling me that I’m a “stupid cuck” and let myself fooled by Lisa. And called her terms such as slut. Also these critical ones said that for Eve the arrangement is not good as it’s not a good cohabitation example for her.

It was hurting to get such negative "appreciation". However, I felt them as having a rather low in depth thinking. To me, their abrupt reactions seemed superficial, because I felt they paid almost no attention to the arguments and our reasoning, they just jumped quite fast to their own conculsions and considerations. These type of reactions also made me feel nervous regarding sharing my own story to peope on the site, as I feared again a lot of judgement.

But some others were quite supportive, some family friends, telling me that they admired my efforts and that I just proved how much I love Lisa and want to see her happy, even if I’m not the one that can bring her that particular happiness, the intimate one. I even got congratulated for that. And I’ve been told that I proved to be so unselfish. And they supported her as well, as to not give up on her needs and desires just by the idea of marriage and what it traditionally implies. They also had viewed completely opposite compared to the ones who blamed us, also regarding Eve, as they said that on the contrary, we showed her that you can also find solutions by thinking “out of the box” and that we showed that you should follow your dreams, needs, desires and not put them aside just because it may look bad for a some part of the society. However, indeed, we all agreed that given our small space, this arrangement is not too comfortable for her, cause basically she has less private space for herself, as she has to share her room and not have one just for herself. We’re aware that this created some discomfort and challenge for her to deal with. But these being the conditions that we can have, it is how it is. Also the fact that she reacted reasonably well to the situation and that the 4 of us managed to live in a generally friendly and open environment, despite the logistical challenges and occasional awkwardness, this also showed that we managed to make the best out of our situation and of our possibilities.

We avoided telling about this to my parents, as they’re not too close to us, physically, they live in another city. As for her mom, she’s also in another city, though not too far from us, so we are in contact with her more often, but she’s very supportive of Lisa, which I guess it’s normal for a mom, as she wants the best for her daughter and wants her to be happy.

 

[dingedheart]

It was about 4 months, so much it took until she decided to start dating again.

How hard was that for you and your daughter? Did you feel caught up or trapped in another layer of something out of your control and NOT of your making?

Eve's reaction to his leaving was also one of being sorry, because over those years, she got used to him and they went along very well. Martin was a chill type of guy and very funny, in general, and he was often making her laugh. And making also Lisa and everyone laugh with jokes and funny remarks. I was laughing at his jokes as well. On the other hand, practically speaking, his leaving was creating more physical comfort for her as I did move in back to the bedroom after he left. Ever since his leaving, it's been mixed. I generally sleep in the bedroom again, but when Lisa happens to bring home any of her dates, then I leave my place in the bedroom to him and go and sleep in the living room. Also when she had those more steady dates with the other two ones, I spent more nights in the living room again on those times.

To me, this would seem to be INCREDIBLY awkward for everyone involved. Are she and her dates coming in during normal wakefulness hrs, or are they tip-toeing past sleeping people on the way to the bedroom and/or shower pre- or post-sex? Is there any kind of meet and greet before seeing a strange guy in a towel coming out of your bathroom?

Yes, it wasn't easy. Most challenging was when having online meetings and we needed alone space to be able to speak or not be perturbed by someone else's speaking. But we managed it. Eve was having online school and that's why we were often splitting the living and kitchen between us.

Hats off to you and all those involved. I get pissed when I’m working from home (like I am now) and my dog flips out at someone daring to use the public sidewalk.

No, we did not establish "no-go" things. I/we adapted as things went along.

When you say I/we, you mean you and daughter, correct?

If you were to do it over, would you want to install some hard limits?

She often told me she appreciates my efforts that I did for the things to work out. Also we kept up and even become more non-sexual affectionate to one another. Kisses, hugs, endearments.

In summary, are you (not the relationship, but you), happier now than 2-4 yrs into your marriage, or before your daughter was born?

And the other question would be: do you think your marriage or relationship is better now than back then?

I have not felt like dating myself too. Up to this point,

That’s a great qualifier and I’d leave that open-ended like that.

I've not felt interested in anyone else. And I feel like monogamous, even if my wife dates and sees others, as basically a poly, but I feel like mono. And I feel happy that I am with her and that we're around each other.

A positive attitude is clearly winning the day. I’ve never heard a story like yours, but loads of stories of people dealing with significantly less demotion and intrusion, who wake up asking, "Is this as good as life gets?" and then bail. A snap point happens. Last straw kind of thing. And they’re out.