Change in all the areas of my life...

[icesong]

@Ostrich that was mostly tongue in cheek - guilt about the fact that I have two really _great_ guys, and there are people out there having to put up with bullshit (did you go look at the twitter thread?) seems sort of karmically unfair.

 

[Ostrich]

@Ostrich that was mostly tongue in cheek - guilt about the fact that I have two really _great_ guys, and there are people out there having to put up with bullshit (did you go look at the twitter thread?) seems sort of karmically unfair.

I'll check out the twitter feed. I get you, but you shouldn't feel guilty. It's unfair to yourself for comparing your situation with others. Just be happy that you have what you have! I am happy for you!

 

[Magdlyn]

@Ostrich that was mostly tongue in cheek - guilt about the fact that I have two really _great_ guys, and there are people out there having to put up with bullshit (did you go look at the twitter thread?) seems sort of karmically unfair.

I never feel guilty that I have 2 great partners now. I feel somewhat miffed at myself for wasting so many years with one mono partner who really didn't deserve my wonderfulness!

 

[icesong]

Amusing situations that only happen in poly… but first some context. Knight and I eloped somewhat spontaneously 20 years ago. Seriously we got married the day we did because we failed at Valentine’s dinner plans, more or less, and then realized that we had not actually solved the problem of dinner, if anything made it more pressing…
Anyway we ended up at a local French place about two blocks from where we met which, miraculously, is still there 20 years later.
Going out to such a place on Valentine’s is clearly not a great plan - it’s amateur night! So we waited til Friday for our anniversary dinner.
Back to the funny…showing up for said romantic dinner reservation and finding that the maitre d’ is a dude that not only did I go on a terrible date with once (might not have been completely his fault, it was while I was rebounding _hard_ off Hipster Boy, or maybe even before we had completely split up) but Knight was play partners with his ex wife for a while. It wasn’t actually as awkward as it might have been, I mean after all we _are_ all quite used to the poly thing by now. But it was still one of those weird life moments…

 

[icesong]

I’ve been absent for a while - well, not completely absent, I comment or react now and again, but mostly - but I’m currently taking a poly course that encourages journaling and so it seemed appropriate that I put that journal here (and I didn’t really have anywhere else I wanted to post it…)

Not sure why I haven’t been posting - in some ways life is lovely, in others its hard, but neither are in a way where I didn’t have time, exactly, so much as… perhaps all my pondering that might otherwise end up here has just been internal.

So things. MiniMe is doing about the same - sometimes we’re better than others, I have no idea how to motivate him so I’m a bit afraid I have a basement dweller in my future but he’s got years to figure that out so why borrow trouble.

Though part of my issue lately has been just living with too many people. Knight and I, between each other and even with regards to parenting, have actually been doing really well lately - if anything I may be the problem right now as I’ve been somewhat unsuccessfully doing some med adjustments so I’ve been a bit difficult to live with. The problem for me right now is Joan, and really it’s not her fault it’s just that we are wildly not compatible roommates AND the life partner of my life partner is NOT therefore my life partner so it’s hard sometimes to bend over backwards to make her happy. I like her immensely as a person… there are just things in the house that she wants or needs one way and I want the opposite or don’t care and therefore don’t want to put any energy into. And I’m sort of frustrated by this - there’s a leftover bit of hierarchy in my head that says I *shouldn’t* have to work on this because I was here first. I don’t like this bit of myself, but at the same time… it’s not an invalid point.

Which has sort of led to why I’m back now - I’m taking an online class, the Monogamy Detox, to try and figure out what of the feelings in that last paragraph are based on “Disney expectations (etc)” and which are just, like, legit personal desires. So there’ll probably be several journaling exercises from that showing up here in the next few weeks…

 

[icesong]

I almost titled this one like a early 2000’s song fic, but then I couldn’t decide which lyric to use (and the fact that so many songs about losing yourself in a romantic relationship spring to mind says something).

Something I realized - I’ve done so much work on figuring out who I am as my own person vs “me in a couple with Knight”. (We’re getting back into the medieval group which is interesting given it’s one of the most couple centric cultures ever, or can be, although it’s getting better about that. Anyway even despite all this work, there’s still a missing pillar, and that’ the problem that on a deep down level, I don’t actually trust myself as a competent adult who could run her own life if she had to. This is a problem in a lot of ways - I don’t feel like an adult in dealing with professionals (doctors, teachers, mechanics, whatever); I don’t feel like an adult in my career or as a parent (isn’t here an adultier adult gonna come along and tell me what to do?); and I don’t really feel like even if on paper I could make the logistics work, that I could actually *live* on my own, even if I wasn’t responsible for anything except myself and a cat. I feel closer to being able to than I used to, but I’ve just… never ACTUALLY been solo and that puts a weird sort of scarcity / hierarchy on Knight and I’s relationship even when I’m actively working against it.

Of course, part of the monogamy hangover on this is I never actually believed that that type of self-sufficiency was something I was ever going to need, given that I was 16-18 and already coupled off in what I believed was (and still hope is) a permanent way… but at that point I didn’t have the curiosity I do now about living actually alone.

 

[Magdlyn]

Would you like any comments on this topic or would you rather just vent?

 

[icesong]

I’ve always been pretty open to comments on here.

 

[Magdlyn]

I’ve always been pretty open to comments on here.

In that case...! I see you're wondering what living alone would be like. You're upset by living with Joan. I feel that you think living with Knight means living with Joan. But that doesn't have to be the case. If you can afford it, you could rent an apartment for a trial period. Knight could come visit you. He could be the nomad. You'd have swathes of me-time, you could decorate your apartment in your own taste, do whatever chores in your own way, Mini Me could spend part time with you. Artist could also visit you. You set the schedule. Some days with these people, some days by yourself, and no days with Joan!

As far as adulting goes, I've found that my partners are eager to help out around the house. (Well, this is also Pixi's house, but she's half time at her bf's house now, and has been for a few years.) But long-term male partners I've had, presently Aries (18 months and counting) do the heavy lifting, furniture rearranging, yard work, carrying our heavy laundry baskets up the steep cellar stairs, all the stuff the requires upper body strength. Pixi does most of the techy stuff, pays bills, fixes computers and TVs, she got us a Roomba, and whatnot. I'm in charge of keeping things organized, grocery shopping, almost all of the cooking, recycling, decluttering, cleaning bathrooms, laundry (with some help from Aries these days), changing sheets and towels, decorating, keeping on top of schedules for doctor's appointments and fun events, making sure the cars have their oil changed and are inspected, etc.

My point is, you have enough of a network that even if you got your own place to avoid Joan, or just to feel more independent, you wouldn't be without help and cooperation, if you arrange things right.

 

[castylvania]

Things are looking up...

Last week - Wednesday - HipsterBoy and I finally talked about "the state of things", and it was the conversation that needed to happen. Not a long one, really, but at least not text. I still feel like I may have been pushing a bit harder than I should have been, and told him so, but while he didn't know what he DID want from the two of us it wasn't the platonic thing we've been trying to do for the past two weeks.

So we're in a state of... comfortable ambiguity, at the moment. Love is there, attraction is there, we can talk and touch and it's not-weird now. Which is really important for me - I was discussing a friend's relationship and in the course of the conversation ended up taking that "5 love languages" test, and I maxed out on touch and words of affirmation. So deliberately not touching someone I still loved was the hardest thing about the "platonic experiment".

I'm not sure when we'll go out again, nor when we'll be intimate. I don't find myself to be impatient about that though - while I look forward to it happening, it doesn't have the urgency it once would have, nor even the urgency that getting things resolved between us did.

Elsewise... went on an interesting first date last night with, hmm, guess I'll call him MartialArtist. He's an OKC high match who turned out to be the sibling of an acquaintance and friend of some of my other friends. That coincidence had the potential for awkwardness but turned out to just be amusing. Good conversation, and some fairly delicious chemistry - the date ended up with a fair amount of making out in a secluded corner of the bar.

I see this turning into quite a fun-but-casual sort of thing - very lighthearted and giggly - no real potential, I think, for the sort of connection I had/have with HipsterBoy but I don't want that right now anyway. I'm still very much looking forward to seeing him again, and he knows I'm in a slightly re-boundy headspace and just looking for fun, and is apparently ok with that. So yay.

I've been having a lot of conversations with TheKnight about the nature of sexual attraction/compatibility/chemistry. One of the most wonderful things, and yet the biggest challenges, about our relationship is that we were each other's first sexual experiences. And as you can imagine NRE + 16/17/18 yr old hormones were an insane mix. Like any relationship, though, that NRE has waned, and we've had our ups and downs as far as sex is concerned.

A lot of those issues are my fault - I have both self-esteem issues as far as attractiveness is concerned, and a somewhat submissive / passive approach to sex. I suspect most people get off on being wanted, but I think I'm probably worse than most on that front - my level of desire tends to be directly proportionate to how much I feel my partner is attracted to me. This can be awesome, especially at the beginning of a relationship, but in a long term relationship does tend to me being a bit of an emotional vampire on the sex side of things. If I don't feel wanted, I don't put energy into seduction, which is a bit of a death spiral for a sexual relationship.

It's not a pattern I've figured out how to break, though, as "going outside my comfort zone" on that one is an active turn off. So that's a problem.

The other problem with TheKnight and I is that we've slightly grown in different directions, sexually - I crave intensity, he tends towards a somewhat more playful/fun style in bed. Not that playful isn't fun, part of the time... but it's still not my number one choice. Even trying to use kink to hit that "intensity" button doesn't seem to work, and while I can find others to hit that "intensity" button, I hate that I can't seem to have it with my husband, especially when we once did have it.

TheKnight, on the other hand, is frustrated that I am still stuck on something from 15 years ago, a bit jealous that I keep looking for that and/or finding it with others (it was the one real point of conflict over my relationship with HipsterBoy), and really *wants* to be able to hit that button on me and can't figure out how to. And he becomes more and more frustrated that he sees me as not putting energy into our sexual relationship that I did/do put into other relationships, not understanding that my actions were direct reflections of the energy I was getting first. (A concrete example of this is that I took more pains with my appearance when going out with HipsterBoy than I have in the past while for dates with TheKnight. True, unfair of me, and yet it's hard to bother going all out on hair/makeup/lingerie etc when the reaction is the same if I do or if I don't.)

I'm not sure this is a problem that's ever going to resolve well - it's something that's been an issue our entire relationship and poly does tend to ... expose that flaw. Still trying to figure out solutions...

I really resonate with this statement. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and when we first got together everything was great. Sex was good. Now it seems that we can't find our groove together but when I'm with other people it seems effortless to get to that point. We have tried kinks and still have trouble. I think he gets jealous because my time with others lasts so much longer and is so simple. I dont have to struggle to get there. I am beginning to think the frustration of not currently being compatible sexually is part of the issue with the happy ending. I am still not sure how to fix this so if you ever find a solution please let me know. FYI, he doesn't have issues with his other partners either. Just me.

 

[icesong]

If you can afford it, you could rent an apartment for a trial period. Knight could come visit you. He could be the nomad. You'd have swathes of me-time, you could decorate your apartment in your own taste, do whatever chores in your own way, Mini Me could spend part time with you. Artist could also visit you. You set the schedule. Some days with these people, some days by yourself, and no days with Joan!

I mean I don’t even mind _some_ time with Joan, it’s just the living with that is a bit much. And yeah, we’ve discussed me doing exactly that especially after Mini-Me is older; right now I feel like I couldn’t be the parent I want to be in that situation.

The deeper issue is still one of … figuring out exactly what commitment means in our current life. Like, on a purely practical level, the financial calculations for *everything* change when they’re around 3 adults and a kid vs 2 adults and a kid, whether it’s in one home or two, and sometimes that bothers me more than the intellectual part of me thinks it should.

 

[Magdlyn]

I mean I don’t even mind _some_ time with Joan, it’s just the living with that is a bit much.

Well sure. There are lots of people who can be great friends but you don't wanna be with them all the damn time.

And yeah, we’ve discussed me doing exactly that especially after Mini-Me is older; right now I feel like I couldn’t be the parent I want to be in that situation.

The deeper issue is still one of … figuring out exactly what commitment means in our current life. Like, on a purely practical level, the financial calculations for *everything* change when they’re around 3 adults and a kid vs 2 adults and a kid, whether it’s in one home or two, and sometimes that bothers me more than the intellectual part of me thinks it should.

Finances are one part of the puzzle, but that doesn't mean it's unsolvable.

 

[Vicki82]

Just wanted to wave and send positive vibes. So many of the things you say are often things that resonate with me (Kiddo has similar issues to MiniMe, I think we've chatted about it before, and I have similar worries).

The part about "an adultier adult"? Yup. There are lots of things I'm good at, and others I completely suck at. Definitely wouldn't want to try to manage a household on my own. I know lots of people do living apart together, but I think I'd be lonely and miss just having people I care about around, personally. I'm lucky that in my case, I'm in Knight's position where both my adult housemates are my partners, and also lucky that they seem to get along very well most of the time. I wish we had just a little more space for comfort but that's likely a long way off since I doubt Kiddo will be able to move out anytime soon even when he does go to university in 5 years. Housing here is incredibly expensive and I doubt it will change anytime in the reasonable future.

What appeals to you about living alone? You said you were curious. I know cooking for one isn't a lot of fun lol, when I'm alone I often end up with a frozen dinner or takeout.

 

[Openbook23]

It’s funny - after all this time, I’ve lost _most_ of my poly guilt… except for the part where I read things like this thread and feel like I may possibly have more than my share of good men. Seriously - dudes out there wanting their wives to make sandwiches after radical surgery and meanwhile I’m here replacing flowers from one partner with flowers from another and getting drinks and Theragun because I had a stressful day.

I said this to one of my partners ("What did I do deserve to have more than one great person in my life? Who's missing out?"). She rightly said "Love isn't finite or a zero sum game. There's plenty for everyone." I was just joking, but her reply is quite serious and accurate. Besides, what pleases one person wouldn't be a good fit for another. Loved reading your story, BTW.

 

[icesong]

So I wrote this last year …

Part of my absence is that the contract job I mentioned in previous months went legit full-time salaried, which is... fascinating. First of I love it in a lot of ways - I work with people who are ALL blisteringly intelligent and want to change the world, even if it's in a field that until I worked in it I never thought of it as something that COULD change the world (architecture - obviously I'm not an architect but working to get the architects the opportunity to Do Things). The pay is good, the coworker appreciation / respect is better than I've ever had... even working 3 or 4 days a week in our office is actually REALLY pleasant…
<snip>

(And Artist remains the cheerleader that understands my insecurities in a way that Knight just doesn't, and is so willing to be there for the really hard shit like my MiniMe's mental health issues (and how they interact with my past traumas) in ways I never dreamed of. I swear I am the luckiest woman alive in so many ways.)

Which… well. That job looks like it’s coming to an end. My job basically has two major pillars - one of which is design/content creation and editing, one of which is people organizing. I am extremely good at the former, and utter rubbish at the latter. And despite the number of late nights I’ve pulled over the past few years trying to meet deadlines, it looks like that just isn’t enough; I’m a square peg in a round hole (or the opposite, really, since I’m not filling the role completely or well enough), and it’s time for me to leave. (They might let me go at the end of the month, if they don’t I’m going to leave anyway as this is or has become wildly mentally unhealthy for me to do.)

Ironically, almost the exact same thing happened to Artist - I mentioned that it would be better if he left his then employer back in February; he ended up taking a severance package a few weeks later and is starting a new job next week. I’m not sure yet whether I’m going to freelance or try to find a full time gig that’s a better fit - the money and stability of full time is nice but I think freelancing may be better for me mentally. I don’t have to decide right this second though.

Still, it’s nice having someone who understands exactly what that sort of situation does to one’s self esteem… this whole thing is feeding into all my shame about my adhd in a pretty terrible way.

 

[icesong]

I really resonate with this statement. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and when we first got together everything was great. Sex was good. Now it seems that we can't find our groove together but when I'm with other people it seems effortless to get to that point. We have tried kinks and still have trouble. I think he gets jealous because my time with others lasts so much longer and is so simple. I dont have to struggle to get there. I am beginning to think the frustration of not currently being compatible sexually is part of the issue with the happy ending. I am still not sure how to fix this so if you ever find a solution please let me know. FYI, he doesn't have issues with his other partners either. Just me.

The answer was, eventually (I wrote the entry you replied to almost 10 years ago!), accepting that we weren’t each others’ _best_ sexual partners even if we were at one point more compatible. I had to learn to be _truly_ ok with that though. Even now I’m probably only ok with it like 90% of the time, and that’s with having a partner (Artist) who makes the partner I was writing about in that first blog post here look like he never knew how to touch me at all.

::wry smile:: I ran into HipsterBoy/Pink!girl’s joint Feeld profile the other day. Not tempted, nor even attracted really, though parsing out their current dynamic from what was said (and not said) was a darkly amusing exercise.

 

[icesong]

What appeals to you about living alone? You said you were curious. I know cooking for one isn't a lot of fun lol, when I'm alone I often end up with a frozen dinner or takeout.

Oops I realized I totally missed your question! There’s a lot of things, really… the biggest one is that I am just so very tired of taking other people into account every time I do anything. I want to be able to go get water out of the fridge without having to wear clothes, y’know? (Shallow example, but I literally forget to grab water on the way to bed every night and realize it as soon as I’m naked.) That one would be solved by only living with partners, but I’d also really like to be able to have a bit more mystery/distance from my partners than living with them.

I mean, that’s the logistical answer. There’s also just the … identity answer, which is what I was trying to get to in the entry you replied to.

As for food, imaginary and/or future me who lives by herself would have lovers and friends to visit and would cook for them a lot… and also doesn’t mind occasionally eating pop corn for dinner.

 

[icesong]

I’m in a very weird mood today, I hesitate to use the phrase triggered but it sort of feels appropriate. The backstory on this starts Saturday before last, when ArtistSpouse found out they had a covid exposure while I was with Artist. Given that they got this information and thus passed it on while he and I had already been together all evening, I sort of shrugged and said “done is done”.

Unfortunately, ArtistSpouse had been thoroughly exposed and came down with it, and then Artist did pick it up, though he never tested positive for it he had the exact same symptoms. (I don’t think I got it again, though I did have a day where I had a headache and was tired that felt like the other time I got it… the symptoms cleared up before I even tried to test (I had been waiting a bit as the first time I had it, I didn’t test positive for several days, so it seemed a waste to test instantly since I wasn’t going anywhere anyway. So he got sick on Sunday evening and wasn’t really better until the next Monday, so I went over then, and we had an amazingly good evening (let’s just say being apart extra leads to a certain level of … intensity.)

Except the other thing was that Saturday night Knight came down with food poisoning, or so I thought… unfortunately it turned out to more likely be norovirus. I never got that either, thank goodness, as I’m a bit of an emetophobe. Knight was better Monday (when we did still think it was non-contagious food poisoning), so I went to Artist’s house not worried about it… then got a text partway through the evening that MiniMe got it, and found out the next day that Joan had too. ::sigh:: This resulted In us canceling all Thanksgiving things, though at this point everyone is basically better.

The problem is that at first, Artist and I talked about it and while he didn’t want to come here, I was going to go over to his place tonight as *I* was never sick with this and thus I don’t see how I could be contagious. But… then his anxiety about illness kicked in, combined with thinking his immune system might be weaker than expected because of having recently had covid, and so he canceled until Sunday. (He has other existing plans tomorrow and Saturday, which is fine.)

I actually DO see the logic of this. And one day canceled is absolutely NOTHING in the grand scale of things. But… it’s absolutely a different priority or choice than I would make. I tend to be more than a little bit… “what will happen will happen” about illnesses, trusting my immune system to do its thing or not and I’ll just deal with the consequences if and when they occur. But regardless of this being the right choice right now, it’s hitting a scar from quarantine that hasn’t ever quite healed. Maybe it never really will. I wrote this back then…

But at the same time... he keeps saying over and over that "I'm sorry _this_ is hurting you", which is not exactly the same thing as saying "I'm sorry _I_ am hurting you." And honestly I'm not even sure which would be accurate - certainly this is in many ways externally imposed, but the lack of risk taking also feels like a choice? And how do you handle feeling like someone is choosing a path that hurts you, knowing that's what's going to happen?

And today is factually different but still emotionally hurts out of all proportion to the actuality.

I’m not sure how or if I’ll even talk about it with him. Like, on the one hand, I’m glad he’s *not* being a people pleaser on this - it’s something he’s prone to and we mostly just don’t ever disagree about anything so it’s actually *good* he set his own boundaries on this, even though I don’t like it. And I don’t want to make him feel guilty about that. On the other hand not ever talking about this feels like I’m lying by omission by saying “yeah, that’s fine, I understand”. I mean, I do… but it’s so much more weirdly complicated than that…

 

[icesong]

Elsewhere I said...

That said… I think you and Johannes need to have some frank conversations about what you and he actually want in this. I had some similar ones, as far as the living arrangement and who it was really good for, back in August and I think it helped. Although I don’t think the actual situation is changing, I mostly don’t feel the need to shrink anymore and have gotten a lot more peace because of it.

Now that I look at it, I never came back and wrote about those conversations. I should do that…

So here I am - realizing that OMG I didn't really update on *my* life since June! (I've been around, occasionally, obviously, but that's not quite the same. Not that anyone's waiting with bated breath.)

So things are actually really good here, in all areas of my life except one. Ironically, given the name of the thread, it's the stability that's lovely, not any particular level of change. Ha. In no particular order...

• I'm still employed! When I last mentioned this, I was worried about what was going to happen at the end of June... passed that hurdle, and got the feedback of "ok, you're basically moving in the right direction / competent enough", with a followup for mid August after I got back from vacation. A few weeks later, they put in a new manager as mine got promoted, sort of. Fine with me, my actual manager is a really great person and not much of an actual manager (see also the blindsiding me regarding job flaws). Then I went on vacation for the second week in August... and the "new manager' got fired literally that afternoon for gross incompetence that was obvious while I was gone. Ha. (I checked out her LinkedIn the other day and she hasn't actually updated it that she's not at my place of employment anymore, so THAT's, um, entertaining). And apparently my year end review (as of November) went REALLY well. So there's that?
• The vacation... Knight and I went to Pennsic back in August, and it was glorious. (For those of you who understand that reference, no, he's not one, though I still hold out hope he will be someday. He IS back in armor so it's a bit more possible than it once was). We've been pushing hard to be active again within the medieval group and that's been SO good for us - it's something to focus on and to share that ISN'T MiniMe, and something to talk about that ISN'T work, poly, or our relationship.
• Right now, I am doing MUCH better with Joan's existence here. Part of it is that I'm less stressed and that helps... part of it is that Knight and I are doing well and that helps more. But the other thing about Pennsic is that it's 9 hours in the car, so on the way back we had a pretty frank conversation about Joan, and about the three of us living together. At the time, I was like, "ok, this isn't working, I'd like it to be done in the next year". And he said she wasn't entirely happy living with us either (to quote, "she'd be happier living in a childfree, sober, vegan household"). Even that conversation put me on a better footing because I had been listened to... and lately she's been spending more time with other partners and out of the house so I mind it less when she IS here. There's still some points of friction but I told Knight that if things stayed at the level that they are now, I could probably be relatively happy indefinitely.
• I've also tried very hard to quit tiptoeing around to make her comfortable, though I'm not always successful at this. I realized, though, that a lot of the "awkward" I was blaming on her was actually on me - it's not, for instance, that she minded being around me, it was that when I was stressed and thus feeling antisocial, that wasn't about her, it was just people in general. I still don't *always* love having to people, but if I could actually manage to break my social conditioning enough to not feel like I have to interact just because we're in the same space, she and I would BOTH be happier. Work in progress.
• MiniMe is still... wildly difficult. I don't even really want to get into the details per se, just that he's the angriest 12 year old I've ever had to interact with personally. Like, TV angsty teen levels of anger except they'd have to bleep him too much to ever script that into a show. When we manage to connect he's great... there's just so much STATIC in our relationship from our mutually incompatible neurodivergences.
• Back to Knight... I'm actually pretty happy with our relationship as it stands right now. Having a not very sexual but actually reasonably romantic and amazing at life partners relationship finally feels stable, like something that if I had to choose to keep it exactly like this for the rest of my life or end it right this second I would SMASH the keep button so fast you wouldn't see my hand move.
  • We went to a concert together the other night, a band I've loved since I was 13. Amazing show, as a side note - I was sort of expecting a not-amazing show as the LAST time I saw a band I've loved that long it wasn't great (Counting Crows in 2017, they didn't bother to play Mr. Jones or even Round Here, and Mr. Jones was literally my most-loved song from 1995 to... sometime in the mid 2000's?). Anyway, so the other night was Bush, and... well, start with “seats near speakers and nearish stage”, add “Gavin Rossdale is still hot or has, like, Fae-level charisma even when he’s damn near 60, though in a “didn’t ever actually grow up at ALL kind of way”… combine THAT with I get synesthesia from very loud music anyway AND from edibles, and this was both… yeah. Utterly overwhelming but SO GOOD. But the point here was that Knight and I went to this show and I was sitting nearer the aisle, so he had to squeeze by me at intermission and stopped to kiss me on the way by. I then somewhat embarrassedly realized that the people next to us had decided to get up after all so I was like "sorry! didn't meant to block your way!" and they said *something* along the lines of "it's ok, ya'll are cute and it's good to see". Which... used to be the sort of comment we got all the time, haven't much in the past few years, though I do occasionally get it with Artist... so internally I'm like "wait, our vibes are back to enviable". Not that I care, exactly, what random people think... but it's an interesting barometer.
• I didn't end up talking to Artist about my annoyance the other day - decided that that was an internal thing I needed to work on and not really something I wanted him to change anything on, so there was no reason to really get into it. And I'm glad I didn't, as we ended up doing an edibles-and-sex (and coffee ice cream) evening after getting dinner... and the bonding from THAT amazingness (no really, I can't overstate what he can do to me in that state, and ya'll would NOT believe me if I tried) really chased away all the residual angst I had from Thursday and then some.

 

[icesong]

I really must remember how much better my life is when I do art and read books instead of spending too much time on my phone.