Change in all the areas of my life...

[icesong]

Today was actually lovely in a lot of ways. It’s easy to say that since I’m typing from my (inflatable) hot tub, but… had a good work day, had a good kid day, had a reasonably good polycule day despite accidentally falling into a somewhat serious Covid-risks conversation while tipsy (probably need to revisit that post MiniMe vaccine as our risk evaluations are… different.



Ok part of me doesn’t want to take Joan’s concerns into consideration at all. I will. But holy hell I resent it sometimes.

 

[icesong]

This week has SO much going on. Knight is interviewing for a new job - second interview Wed and I have, like, all my appendages crossed as this could be a major promotion if it happens. MiniMe's 10th birthday is Thursday, and we got him an awesome gift that he has NO clue what is yet. But first we have to get through his IEP meeting, which is *also* tomorrow.

So that requires explanation since I know at least a few people who read this aren't American and/or aren't parents - IEP stands for individualized education plan; it's basically the formal plan for educational accommodations that has to be agreed upon and followed between parents and kid's school to deal with learning difficulties of various types - in my kid's case, his original plan was written for unspecified emotional disturbance as he didn't have a formal ADHD diagnosis yet when the plan was made; I may have mentioned that he did go on meds back in June which has helped somewhat though not enough, really. It's hard though, as he's definitely academically way way way behind. He's at a new school this year, which was helping to start but the novelty has worn off a bit. While he's still doing better than he did at his old school, it's a fight to get him to go and a fight to get him to DO anything. So.

It also doesn't help that his grandmother, who he's quite close to, has been really flaky lately as far as spending time with him - I totally get having been a widow for a few years now and wanting to date, and having already delayed that because of Plague, but... not making your grandkid a priority is Not OK.

Really of all the relationships in my life, my kid is the most important and in so many ways the one I'm least prepared for and least successful at. And I've read so many parenting books and dealing-with-your-own-childhood-trauma books and and and... they all seem SO logical when I'm reading them but as soon as I try and actually USE any of the info in them I get emotionally flooded and things go south. Like, I keep having to pull away from my kid in order to stay calm but that feels like it's almost as bad - I took a quiz the other day on attachment styles with parents and every question I answered, I felt like I was also describing MiniMe's relationship with me (and my relationship with my parents was utterly dysfunctional).

I don't have a pithy answer to what to do with this. I don't even have a plan to make it better. I just know I'm kind of lost on this.

 

[Evie]

Is this his first IEP, or a renewal/review of something existing?

 

[icesong]

Sort of in between. He has one, but it was created at a previous school so while it somewhat transfers, it's still an entirely new group of teachers/special ed people.

 

[Evie]

Even without the healthiest attachment style, you can be an awesome parent if you simply keep advocating for him. The IEP will likely be taking into account what is best for him AND the for class AND for the teacher(s) - and there does have to be a balance - but you are his voice until he can advocate for himself.

If he doesn't want to DO anything, it's because it's the wrong type of stimulation, or too much. Schools don't allow for the power of true boredom. Hell, schooling in general is terrible at that and most kids simply (have to) learn to play the game. Neurodiverse kids care less or not at all about institutional expectations whereas those institutions (but not necessarily the individuals within them) are all about maintaining their systems.

I hope you get a good team that doesn't simply want an IEP that attempts to force or bribe him into learning.