Change in all the areas of my life...

Today was actually lovely in a lot of ways. It’s easy to say that since I’m typing from my (inflatable) hot tub, but… had a good work day, had a good kid day, had a reasonably good polycule day despite accidentally falling into a somewhat serious Covid-risks conversation while tipsy (probably need to revisit that post MiniMe vaccine as our risk evaluations are… different.



Ok part of me doesn’t want to take Joan’s concerns into consideration at all. I will. But holy hell I resent it sometimes.
 
This week has SO much going on. Knight is interviewing for a new job - second interview Wed and I have, like, all my appendages crossed as this could be a major promotion if it happens. MiniMe's 10th birthday is Thursday, and we got him an awesome gift that he has NO clue what is yet. :D But first we have to get through his IEP meeting, which is *also* tomorrow.

So that requires explanation since I know at least a few people who read this aren't American and/or aren't parents - IEP stands for individualized education plan; it's basically the formal plan for educational accommodations that has to be agreed upon and followed between parents and kid's school to deal with learning difficulties of various types - in my kid's case, his original plan was written for unspecified emotional disturbance as he didn't have a formal ADHD diagnosis yet when the plan was made; I may have mentioned that he did go on meds back in June which has helped somewhat though not enough, really. It's hard though, as he's definitely academically way way way behind. He's at a new school this year, which was helping to start but the novelty has worn off a bit. While he's still doing better than he did at his old school, it's a fight to get him to go and a fight to get him to DO anything. So.

It also doesn't help that his grandmother, who he's quite close to, has been really flaky lately as far as spending time with him - I totally get having been a widow for a few years now and wanting to date, and having already delayed that because of Plague, but... not making your grandkid a priority is Not OK.

Really of all the relationships in my life, my kid is the most important and in so many ways the one I'm least prepared for and least successful at. And I've read so many parenting books and dealing-with-your-own-childhood-trauma books and and and... they all seem SO logical when I'm reading them but as soon as I try and actually USE any of the info in them I get emotionally flooded and things go south. Like, I keep having to pull away from my kid in order to stay calm but that feels like it's almost as bad - I took a quiz the other day on attachment styles with parents and every question I answered, I felt like I was also describing MiniMe's relationship with me (and my relationship with my parents was utterly dysfunctional).

I don't have a pithy answer to what to do with this. I don't even have a plan to make it better. I just know I'm kind of lost on this.
 
Is this his first IEP, or a renewal/review of something existing?
 
Sort of in between. He has one, but it was created at a previous school so while it somewhat transfers, it's still an entirely new group of teachers/special ed people.
 
Even without the healthiest attachment style, you can be an awesome parent if you simply keep advocating for him. The IEP will likely be taking into account what is best for him AND the for class AND for the teacher(s) - and there does have to be a balance - but you are his voice until he can advocate for himself.

If he doesn't want to DO anything, it's because it's the wrong type of stimulation, or too much. Schools don't allow for the power of true boredom. Hell, schooling in general is terrible at that and most kids simply (have to) learn to play the game. Neurodiverse kids care less or not at all about institutional expectations whereas those institutions (but not necessarily the individuals within them) are all about maintaining their systems.

I hope you get a good team that doesn't simply want an IEP that attempts to force or bribe him into learning.
 
Wow. It's been a... fairly eventful few weeks since I wrote that. Not even sure where to begin to write... (though before I start I'll say that none of this is tragic, just emotionally a lot). Perhaps this is a songfic of an entry. Wait I suppose not everyone had a few years where they seriously consumed erotic fan fiction, but it doesn't matter - having lyrics to hang this on helps me somehow.

So... there's an Ani DiFranco song that, unsurprisingly has been mentioned on this site before (I checked to make sure I hadn't quoted it before). And it's one that I listened to on infinite repeat in like, March-April of 2020, when I was... well, ya'll were here for *that*. Seriously though, listen to the song it's UTTERLY gorgeous.

you are a miracle but that is not all
you are also a stiff drink and i am on call
you are a party and i am a school night
and i'm lookin' for my door key
but you are my porch light
...
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths
Click to expand...

I've written about the poly vacation villa before - not my concept, of course, but it's useful - and how I don't want to be that or have my partners be that. And I *think* that Artist and I have moved past that but sometimes I'm terrified we haven't and won't... not that it matters in many ways as what we have is so fucking beautiful but sometimes my RSD makes me worry. I'll come back to why.

It feels like everything is a school night right now, even things that explicitly and emphatically are not. Knight got the new job, which is going to be a MASSIVE amount of adjustment and is really amazing for him, I'm thrilled, except for the moment we've lost the ability to talk about anything else. We went out to have dinner and watch a movie - Last Duel, which is... ok, triggering as fuck if you can't deal with rape scenes, and wildly inaccurate in SO many ways as far as 14th century material culture (clothing, armor...) and yet captures the ... *feel* of medieval nobility in both crudeness and virtue more than anything I've ever seen - and we had a hard time coming up with conversations that weren't about work or money. So there's that flavor of school night, where everything feels good but so very fucking practical.

And kiddo is having such a hard time with the concept of school - one of his teachers is somewhat terribly stern which is ... I think it works for other students at that school but is the worst thing ever for my kid. Navigating that is... something. So the phrase "school night" is also my every day, seems like, and in ways I 100% wasn't prepared for. Kiddo is struggling at best; in emotions he reminds me of me at his age, and the only difference is that I take him seriously which is something my parents didn't do. And yet when he's defiant in ways I was never allowed to be or even considered being because I was scared of the (abusive) consequences.... the amount of sheer rage I feel and struggle to not express at both the unfairness that I wasn't allowed to express my own defiance, and his actual actions I am trying to overcome is ... yeah. Ya'll get the idea. And yes, rage at a ten year old is a terrible look and I keep it to myself as much as I possibly can but I have to acknowledge how very triggered I am sometimes. So sometimes I feel like my romantic relationships CAN be my stiff drink when I ought to be on call and yet some days one just needs that...

And Artist is exactly the stiff drink - the endorphins of kink/sex cannot be overstated - I crave his touch sometimes or maybe all the time... but I struggle with trying not being _his_ stiff drink or bad idea bear... he's currently prepping for interviews for going from contractor to full employee at that Company You Have Heard Of that is _notorious_ for having a ridiculous interview process, and so decided to not spend the night with me tomorrow. I want to be ok with this - I mean, what is one night in the context of the rest of our lives? - and yet I somehow wish he'd ... I don't know, prep here instead and have an evening that ended up kind of like this one. But I don't think that's how his brain works and I'm trying to be ok with that but my RSD is being a *bitch* on that front. And I don't even want to say anything because I *know*, deep down, that it's just brain tricks.

... and maybe I should just celebrate instead. Writing that I realize that Artist loving me has hit the same level of ... truth of the universe that Knight loving me has... "gravity is down, water is wet, Knight loves me, Artist loves me". it's... fact. And while I never want to take those things for granted - not even gravity, call that shorthand for mindfulness - it's still _truth_. And one or two nights of choosing the rest of his life over spending time with me doesn't change that no matter how much my traitor brain says it means something it doesn't.
 
I just wanted to validate your frustration with Kiddo... you are heard, and you're not alone in having a mini person that is much harder to manage than it "should" be. Hugs.

I'm glad you know you are loved. That can help get through the bad times!
 
@icesong I am sending you positive vibes today. I know your last post is almost a month old, but hopefully things in your life have made a turn for the better.
 
Thank you @Ostrich ! Things are... things? Actually they're pretty good right now, really. My current full time contract got extended through March, so that's fabulous, Knight still loves his new job, Artist is a bit overly busy with house renovation of the new place but not terribly and it's gonna be amazing when it's done so that's ok... kiddo is at least more stable... I'm even in the very early phases of a big medieval hobby project which, if it works, is going to be EPIC. So I just don't necessarily have a lot of emotion to put on the page nor time to do so.... :D
 
Glad to hear about kiddo. I trust that IEP meeting resulted in some quality outcomes?
 
I am glad to read that it's gotten better for you! I do not know if and how you celebrate the holiday season, but I hope those do not add stress to you. I'll down some Jim Beam in your honor tonight! :D

Post edited for clarity/brevity.
 
I guess I’ve turned into one of those people that rarely posts about myself again.

But today is seven years since my first date with Artist and I’m pretty amazed by that. And utterly blissful.
 
Wow, have I really gone THIS long without updating? Wow.

Part of my absence is that the contract job I mentioned in previous months went legit full-time salaried, which is... fascinating. First of I love it in a lot of ways - I work with people who are ALL blisteringly intelligent and want to change the world, even if it's in a field that until I worked in it I never thought of it as something that COULD change the world (architecture - obviously I'm not an architect but working to get the architects the opportunity to Do Things). The pay is good, the coworker appreciation / respect is better than I've ever had... even working 3 or 4 days a week in our office is actually REALLY pleasant because unsurprisingly the space is gorgeous and feels good to be in, and I no longer have child interruptions on those days... the only downside is that if I'm in the office I don't visit here except occasionally on my phone for obvious reasons.

I'm still working out how (and if) I should come out as polyamorous there - because they impact my life logistically more, I've mentioned Knight and MiniMe to coworkers, and I mention Joan and Artist as "housemate" and "really close person" respectively, but that feels So Fucking Disingenuous and I kind of hate it. And while I work at a place where diversity is legit mostly celebrated, and I am 100% sure they wouldn't blink if I had discussed a wife instead of a husband, talking about my other love feels like one step farther. Still, now that I've established myself I may mention it at some point... on the other hand my boss is very good at Setting Professional Boundaries (ie, she went on a vacation for a week and talked about it as self care but didn't actually say where she went in a clearly intentional "my life is my life and I don't necessarily want to talk about it here" sort of way, so maybe it's not actually that big a deal that I don't discuss it.

Being home with MiniMe by himself has admittedly been hard on Knight, which has been an interesting thing to be supportive of. I mean, he knows that what he's dealing with now is nothing I didn't already have to deal with while he was at the office or traveling when MiniMe was younger and I was the freelancer, and he's said repeatedly that "it's my turn to be able to focus on and be physically present in a career". (I adore him for that, so much.) But he was already stressed and I'm not sure I've figured out the best way to try and fill in slack from my side, so it's a work in progress.

(And Artist remains the cheerleader that understands my insecurities in a way that Knight just doesn't, and is so willing to be there for the really hard shit like my MiniMe's mental health issues (and how they interact with my past traumas) in ways I never dreamed of. I swear I am the luckiest woman alive in so many ways.)
 
I missed you, icesong! Your office situation sounds amazing!
 
And again I've gone for months and months without updating. Really I've been fairly quiet on all my forms of social media - mostly gave up FB, rarely log into Fetlife, and other than a few Discords and group chats I'm just not doing a lot of electronic communication. I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing - lack of FB is definitely a good thing, I think, but I do miss the flavor of relationships one has in electronic media sometimes. But really, the internet just isn't what it once was, though this is one of the better corners of it. (Seriously, read that essay, it's amazing. Anyway.)

In many ways things haven't really changed since last post. This time of year - specifically the first half of February - is always meditative for me as my anniversary with Artist and my wedding anniversary with Knight both fall within those dates. As usual, I come back here to read some of the "history of us" with each of them, and then I feel bad that I've stayed away for so long. (So, hi anyone reading this!)

Eight years ago yesterday was the first time I met Artist - and as I told him, no matter how instantly smitten I was, there's no way I could have imagined that date turning into what we have now. I've spoken so much here about how amazing our relationship was and is, but perhaps the most astonishing part is that it keeps getting *better*, much to our mutual surprise. Maybe it's just that it's so easy for things to be good - that lack of logistical entanglement - but with our current twice a week schedule it really feels more like he's just this wonderful part of my life rather than that it's always "vacation" poly. Though that's pretty easy to say and maybe not entirely accurate, given I splurged on a downtown airbnb last night to go with our fancy dinner, and we had an amazing weekend in the mountains back in December. (Really, though, Artist really needed the perfect relaxing evening, as his work has been a shitshow lately... well, what he really needs is a different job, but a really escapist evening doesn't hurt.)

Knight and I... well, that's also a thing that remains substantially as it's been, looking back at old entries. The details and the nuances change, and I'm never sure whether that means there's real change coming to the relationship or whether it's just the usual cycle of hope and despair. We had a fairly shitty evening a few weeks ago, where he was inebriated and got angry at MiniMe, and honestly that was a low point for our relationship - to the degree that I told him I *should* leave but I still love him enough not to want to... though I can't even tell whether that love counts as romantic anymore. The thing is that separate bedrooms have been both good and bad for us - spending time together has to be done so much more deliberately than when you just go to bed together every night, and the reality is that he hasn't been seeking me out. Then again, I don't seek him out either so that's not totally on him (hell, I think one of the reasons he ends up spending more time with Joan is that she does seek him out in ways that I don't, and don't entirely want to). That said, we've had a lot of hard conversations since then and he's... different somehow. Like, that same moment that made me wonder whether I even loved him anymore ALSO made him start doing a lot of thinking about how he's showing up (and not) in his life. And *if*, **if** these changes last, there's some chance of us making it as a romantic relationship instead of just a life partnership kind of thing. It's... not as solid a chance as I'd like it to be - it's so weird to be looking at my 20th wedding anniversary and legit wondering whether there'll be a 21st in more than name.

I suppose that's the good thing about having a "real" job these days. It would *suck*, but in theory I do make enough to support myself now, especially given I'd probably get some spousal support for a while if we were to separate. And part of me kind of wants to live in a little tiny cute studio by myself. I'd probably hate it within a few months, in reality, but... so tempted sometimes. To some degree it's something that I may very well do when MiniMe is on his own, regardless of how the next few years with Knight go. The thing is, though, knowing that actually makes trying to work on our relationship a lot easier for me, because there's not this feeling of scarcity, of "fix this or else".

The other hard part right now is trying to give Knight at least *some* grace because his life is really kind of difficult right now - partners aside, while he still loves his current job (and they love him - there's apparently a promotion in the works), he's still balancing it with taking care of his mom, who was diagnosed with cancer last fall and balancing both of those things with being more the primary parent for MiniMe. (I try and do my part but there are various reasons that doesn't always work as well as I would wish, some of which are my fault and some are Knight's.)

But back to that lack of panic/scarcity, though... it might be the key I've been looking for for us. So many of our issues have been about me pushing him away *because* I felt unwanted - like, if Knight can't show me love in exactly the way I want him to then there must not be any there. It's a brutal, brutal anxious/avoidant dance. I think a huge amount of that was based in believing I couldn't live without him and thus panicking whenever there was the least little flutter of insecurity... somehow at this point I don't feel that way anymore. On bad days I'm afraid that's from running out of give-a-damn about our relationship, but that's just an emotional wobble. The thing that I've been saying about being poly from the start is the whole point is to be able to choose your relationships, both the people involved and the shape of them... but I've not *truly* meant that about Knight and I, not down to the core, despite believing in it, speaking of it, and *trying* to live it.

There's not a neat and tidy end to this essay ramble, but writing it has been good for my brain, I should try and come here more often.
 
icesong said:
And again I've gone for months and months without updating. Really I've been fairly quiet on all my forms of social media - mostly gave up FB, rarely log into Fetlife, and other than a few Discords and group chats I'm just not doing a lot of electronic communication. I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing - lack of FB is definitely a good thing, I think, but I do miss the flavor of relationships one has in electronic media sometimes. But really, the internet just isn't what it once was, though this is one of the better corners of it. (Seriously, read that essay, it's amazing. Anyway.)

In many ways things haven't really changed since last post. This time of year - specifically the first half of February - is always meditative for me as my anniversary with Artist and my wedding anniversary with Knight both fall within those dates. As usual, I come back here to read some of the "history of us" with each of them, and then I feel bad that I've stayed away for so long. (So, hi anyone reading this!)

Eight years ago yesterday was the first time I met Artist - and as I told him, no matter how instantly smitten I was, there's no way I could have imagined that date turning into what we have now. I've spoken so much here about how amazing our relationship was and is, but perhaps the most astonishing part is that it keeps getting *better*, much to our mutual surprise. Maybe it's just that it's so easy for things to be good - that lack of logistical entanglement - but with our current twice a week schedule it really feels more like he's just this wonderful part of my life rather than that it's always "vacation" poly. Though that's pretty easy to say and maybe not entirely accurate, given I splurged on a downtown airbnb last night to go with our fancy dinner, and we had an amazing weekend in the mountains back in December. (Really, though, Artist really needed the perfect relaxing evening, as his work has been a shitshow lately... well, what he really needs is a different job, but a really escapist evening doesn't hurt.)

Knight and I... well, that's also a thing that remains substantially as it's been, looking back at old entries. The details and the nuances change, and I'm never sure whether that means there's real change coming to the relationship or whether it's just the usual cycle of hope and despair. We had a fairly shitty evening a few weeks ago, where he was inebriated and got angry at MiniMe, and honestly that was a low point for our relationship - to the degree that I told him I *should* leave but I still love him enough not to want to... though I can't even tell whether that love counts as romantic anymore. The thing is that separate bedrooms have been both good and bad for us - spending time together has to be done so much more deliberately than when you just go to bed together every night, and the reality is that he hasn't been seeking me out. Then again, I don't seek him out either so that's not totally on him (hell, I think one of the reasons he ends up spending more time with Joan is that she does seek him out in ways that I don't, and don't entirely want to). That said, we've had a lot of hard conversations since then and he's... different somehow. Like, that same moment that made me wonder whether I even loved him anymore ALSO made him start doing a lot of thinking about how he's showing up (and not) in his life. And *if*, **if** these changes last, there's some chance of us making it as a romantic relationship instead of just a life partnership kind of thing. It's... not as solid a chance as I'd like it to be - it's so weird to be looking at my 20th wedding anniversary and legit wondering whether there'll be a 21st in more than name.

I suppose that's the good thing about having a "real" job these days. It would *suck*, but in theory I do make enough to support myself now, especially given I'd probably get some spousal support for a while if we were to separate. And part of me kind of wants to live in a little tiny cute studio by myself. I'd probably hate it within a few months, in reality, but... so tempted sometimes. To some degree it's something that I may very well do when MiniMe is on his own, regardless of how the next few years with Knight go. The thing is, though, knowing that actually makes trying to work on our relationship a lot easier for me, because there's not this feeling of scarcity, of "fix this or else".

The other hard part right now is trying to give Knight at least *some* grace because his life is really kind of difficult right now - partners aside, while he still loves his current job (and they love him - there's apparently a promotion in the works), he's still balancing it with taking care of his mom, who was diagnosed with cancer last fall and balancing both of those things with being more the primary parent for MiniMe. (I try and do my part but there are various reasons that doesn't always work as well as I would wish, some of which are my fault and some are Knight's.)

But back to that lack of panic/scarcity, though... it might be the key I've been looking for for us. So many of our issues have been about me pushing him away *because* I felt unwanted - like, if Knight can't show me love in exactly the way I want him to then there must not be any there. It's a brutal, brutal anxious/avoidant dance. I think a huge amount of that was based in believing I couldn't live without him and thus panicking whenever there was the least little flutter of insecurity... somehow at this point I don't feel that way anymore. On bad days I'm afraid that's from running out of give-a-damn about our relationship, but that's just an emotional wobble. The thing that I've been saying about being poly from the start is the whole point is to be able to choose your relationships, both the people involved and the shape of them... but I've not *truly* meant that about Knight and I, not down to the core, despite believing in it, speaking of it, and *trying* to live it.

There's not a neat and tidy end to this essay ramble, but writing it has been good for my brain, I should try and come here more often.
Click to expand...
All of this: 'Eight years ago yesterday was the first time I met Artist - and as I told him, no matter how instantly smitten I was, there's no way I could have imagined that date turning into what we have now. I've spoken so much here about how amazing our relationship was and is, but perhaps the most astonishing part is that it keeps getting *better*, much to our mutual surprise.' That is amazing and I am very happy for you. Sorry to learn about the situation with Knight. I hope that relationship gets into a place where you both are happy. It doesn't sound like it's quite there yet, but I might have misunderstood what you wrote. LOL @ 'ramble', stream of conscious is the best way to go!
 
Just wanted to say hi and that you're seen, icesong. Hugs.
 
Amusingly, I actually showed Artist - on my phone, I didn't send him the link - the first couple posts I wrote about him here because they were cute and schmoopy (. I kind of hope he didn't catch *where* this is as it would be a bit weird if he came back and read all of it, but :🤷: at this point I'm not too worried there's something that is going to change anything, so if he does he does. :)
 
It’s funny - after all this time, I’ve lost _most_ of my poly guilt… except for the part where I read things like this thread and feel like I may possibly have more than my share of good men. Seriously - dudes out there wanting their wives to make sandwiches after radical surgery and meanwhile I’m here replacing flowers from one partner with flowers from another and getting drinks and Theragun because I had a stressful day.
 
@icesong What guilt are you feeling? I feel a little guilty that I raised such a ruckus about DAG dating others in the past and now I am considering opening up the marriage, just so we can explore again. Guilty that I was not OK with it in the beginning, but now I am more open and more emotionally ready for us to be open.
 
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