And again I've gone for months and months without updating. Really I've been fairly quiet on all my forms of social media - mostly gave up FB, rarely log into Fetlife, and other than a few Discords and group chats I'm just not doing a lot of electronic communication. I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing - lack of FB is definitely a good thing, I think, but I do miss the flavor of relationships one has in electronic media sometimes. But really,
the internet just isn't what it once was, though this is one of the better corners of it. (Seriously, read that essay, it's amazing. Anyway.)
In many ways things haven't really changed since last post. This time of year - specifically the first half of February - is always meditative for me as my anniversary with Artist and my wedding anniversary with Knight both fall within those dates. As usual, I come back here to read some of the "history of us" with each of them, and then I feel bad that I've stayed away for so long. (So, hi anyone reading this!)
Eight years ago yesterday was the first time I met Artist - and as I told him, no matter how
instantly smitten I was, there's no way I could have imagined that date turning into what we have now. I've spoken so much here about how amazing our relationship was and is, but perhaps the most astonishing part is that it keeps getting *better*, much to our mutual surprise. Maybe it's just that it's so easy for things to be good - that lack of logistical entanglement - but with our current twice a week schedule it really feels more like he's just this wonderful part of my life rather than that it's always "vacation" poly. Though that's pretty easy to say and maybe not entirely accurate, given I splurged on a downtown airbnb last night to go with our fancy dinner, and we had an amazing weekend in the mountains back in December. (Really, though, Artist really needed the perfect relaxing evening, as his work has been a shitshow lately... well, what he really needs is a different job, but a really escapist evening doesn't hurt.)
Knight and I... well, that's also a thing that remains substantially as it's
been, looking back at old entries. The details and the nuances change, and I'm never sure whether that means there's real change coming to the relationship or whether it's just the usual cycle of hope and despair. We had a fairly shitty evening a few weeks ago, where he was inebriated and got angry at MiniMe, and honestly that was a low point for our relationship - to the degree that I told him I *should* leave but I still love him enough not to want to... though I can't even tell whether that love counts as romantic anymore. The thing is that separate bedrooms have been both good and bad for us - spending time together has to be done so much more deliberately than when you just go to bed together every night, and the reality is that he hasn't been seeking me out. Then again, I don't seek him out either so that's not totally on him (hell, I think one of the reasons he ends up spending more time with Joan is that she does seek him out in ways that I don't, and don't entirely want to). That said, we've had a lot of hard conversations since then and he's... different somehow. Like, that same moment that made me wonder whether I even loved him anymore ALSO made him start doing a lot of thinking about how he's showing up (and not) in his life. And *if*, **if** these changes last, there's some chance of us making it as a romantic relationship instead of just a life partnership kind of thing. It's... not as solid a chance as I'd like it to be - it's so weird to be looking at my 20th wedding anniversary and legit wondering whether there'll be a 21st in more than name.
I suppose that's the good thing about having a "real" job these days. It would *suck*, but in theory I do make enough to support myself now, especially given I'd probably get some spousal support for a while if we were to separate. And part of me kind of wants to live in a little tiny cute studio by myself. I'd probably hate it within a few months, in reality, but... so tempted sometimes. To some degree it's something that I may very well do when MiniMe is on his own, regardless of how the next few years with Knight go. The thing is, though, knowing that actually makes trying to work on our relationship a lot easier for me, because there's not this feeling of scarcity, of "fix this or else".
The other hard part right now is trying to give Knight at least *some* grace because his life is really kind of difficult right now - partners aside, while he still loves his current job (and they love him - there's apparently a promotion in the works), he's still balancing it with taking care of his mom, who was diagnosed with cancer last fall and balancing both of those things with being more the primary parent for MiniMe. (I try and do my part but there are various reasons that doesn't always work as well as I would wish, some of which are my fault and some are Knight's.)
But back to that lack of panic/scarcity, though... it might be the key I've been looking for for us. So many of our issues have been about me pushing him away *because* I felt unwanted - like, if Knight can't show me love in exactly the way I want him to then there must not be any there. It's a brutal, brutal anxious/avoidant dance. I think a huge amount of that was based in believing I couldn't live without him and thus panicking whenever there was the least little flutter of insecurity... somehow at this point I don't feel that way anymore. On bad days I'm afraid that's from running out of give-a-damn about our relationship, but that's just an emotional wobble. The thing that I've been saying about being poly from the start is the whole point is to be able to choose your relationships, both the people involved and the shape of them... but I've not *truly* meant that about Knight and I, not down to the core, despite believing in it,
speaking of it, and *trying* to live it.
There's not a neat and tidy end to this
essay ramble, but writing it has been good for my brain, I should try and come here more often.
But first we have to get through his IEP meeting, which is *also* tomorrow.
