Changes in our relationship since she got pregnant

[mekodesu]

Well, here is my boat at the moment. My primaries, my best friend Bree and her wife Bek, decided just under a year into our relationship to try and conceive (something I knew they wanted to do well before our relationship started), and surprisingly it took, first try.

It's been 5 months now, and in that time, my relationship with Bree (the one carrying) has gotten kinda rough. She has gotten more distant with me, is easily agitated/angry with things that I do or say, or with me in general. It feels like she is using me as her whipping post, being mean, taking advantage of me.

Now, before you make a judgment on that, the other issue is that our relationship is long distance, because I am finishing school and they live 1300+ miles away, so that also makes the strain on things a bit more. This summer was great. I was home every weekend. Then school started, and I have been home twice, one very good trip, one very bad.

As for the mistreatment she swears is occurring, I don't see it because of this distance. We have not talked on the phone as often as we use to, so a lot of our communicating is via text. That makes it hard for me to see/hear what she is talking about because it's not that way when we do talk on the phone.

Things that have changed that I do see (and that she added to her list) is that she has pulled back from me over the last few months. She is more needy for Bek, and when I visit she gets upset/angered with our sleeping arrangement (I usually sleep in between them), or if we end up sitting on the couch with me in the middle, because I am between them. She will also not let me touch her or cuddle with her when we sleep. But she hadn't told me this, until tonight, because she was convinced I wouldn't understand. Thus the only time we have had an epic communication fail.

I'm sure there is more I can add, but you get the picture. This week we all talked over Skype and she said that she wants us to go on a break because she doesn’t see our relationship continuing after the baby is born (or as she said, she can't see anything outside of herself and Bek, and isn't trying to see it). She is completely convinced that everything that she is feeling right now, with the hormones from the pregnancy, are how things are going to be when this moves into the next phase of raising the child. At the same time, telling me that by doing this now, hopefully things will smooth over enough so that I can still have a very active role in the child's life and theirs, something that has always been part of the plan.

Right now, I am confused as hell. I took a couple days, and talked to them both again individually after this, letting them know that I understand the concerns (which I do), and that things with the relationship will change after the baby is born. (I would worry, honestly, if they didn't.) I also said that I would like to take a step back and see how things go after, and what not, and we can go on from there.

One was receptive, the other was not. (Wanna guess which one wasn't?) This then led to one issue being focused on in our whole conversation. I made the mistake of mentioning preggers hormones for a couple of the issues, and now she feels like I wasn't listening or taking her seriously.

One of the issues she brought up was a past experience she had (7 years ago) that was not a poly experience, but where she was a third that was pretty much used and lied to by one of the women in the relationship. She compared our relationship to that, saying that if she was me she would be upset, or feel that I was being strung along, none of which I feel, because I am not, and our situation is the complete polar opposite of that really bad scene.

So, on top of this confusion, I am also feeling like I am in a lose/lose no matter what I do, because in her eyes, everything I do is wrong, or a threat to her immediate family. (She considers me part of her family, but not her immediate family.) There is no way I can argue with them and actually win, because if I unintentionally upset Bree with a suggestion or comment, Bek gets into protective mode, and upset with me, and it's two against one.

But I don't want to lose my best friends, a kid who I get to be an aunt to, and a great relationship, completely. I love them both very much.

None of this was an issue before the pregnancy, to include the relationship, our communication (we have pretty good communication) continuing, or my role after, my moving there (but not living with them), once my school is completed, and so forth; which is why I have been optimistic in so much negativity during this. And I know that pregnancy can be a bitch for those who are not the ones going through it.

I guess I am just wondering what the hell I should do! I know this is rather long and more of a ramble, but I am really needing some advice here.

I guess side info, relevant or not, my partners are married. I am the oldest of the three of us. Bree is the youngest. All late twenties, early thirties. I am also hoping that no one judges them in a negative light, based on one side of the story. We have had a great relationship for the last year, otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck around, or run the risk of possibly ruining a great friendship.

 

[mekodesu]

Quick update. Things aren't as tense. Still rocky, but I have stepped back a little (which isn't hard, given my school load right now). At least now I am not the only one getting the preggers anger and irrationality anymore. My own hard-headedness will not let me give up, but I also don't want this to damage us, either. Today was actually better, as far as communication and interaction. Just the feel of it was way better, so idk...

Still up for any and all advice though, and thanks in advance.

 

[bassman]

I think stepping back was probably a very good thing to do. I'm imagining that when the baby is 6 months or so, you might slowly start getting the situation back to something similar.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi meko,

Would you please use paragraph breaks in your long posts? You might get more readers and responses.

So, you're a woman, best friends with a female couple, lovers with both of them. One is pregnant. You live 1300 miles away, going to school.

When will you complete school and move back closer to your couple?

Is there a good reason you are talking less on the phone to them lately?

You say they sometimes gang up on you in disagreements. This could be a common problem with a couple "adding" a single to their relationship.

Of course, your lover is having pregnancy hormones. Yet, as you may know, being a woman yourself, we don't like to be accused of acting badly because of hormones! (See PMS.)

I am not sure why you need to sleep between them, or sit between them on the couch when you visit. If those two want more cuddle time when you're there, you'd probably do well to sit or lie on one side or the other, at least some of the time. Or sit in a separate chair, sleep in a different bed sometimes. Trying to share a lover is the hardest kind of poly to do. Some think it will lead to less jealousy, but it often leads to more.

I'd need answers to the above questions before I can offer any more supportive advice.

 

[mennodaughter]

I've been through enough pregnancies to tell you a couple of things.

Regardless of where your relationship is headed, a pregnant woman feels a tremendous need to retreat and have very tight support from one person, not a lot of people. It's called nesting, and it's a natural part of the process.

Second, even if you KNOW it's pregnancy hormones, telling her so is the absolutely worst thing you can EVER do. Every pregnant woman wants to be rational, tries to be rational, and is absolutely mad as a hornet if you don't take her seriously by condescending to her that it's her hormones talking, even as she may very well break down and cry that she is NOT hormonal.

Never, ever tell a pregnant woman that her hormones are what is the problem. She already knows that. She feels completely unsupported if you tell her that. That's the nature of those hormones.

If you love them and are committed to this, then my suggestion is to honor the pregnant lady's needs right now. Consider them NOT hormonally induced. Reflect them, respect them, be a safe place for her to vent them, and then return love and support to her. As another said, slowly try to re-establish after they have time to settle with the new baby. Right now is not the time to be rational and logical. It's the time to do whatever she needs to support her, or step back and let someone else do that for her.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Shortly after my gf had her baby, I was fretting to a friend about the relationship. He said "Your old relationship is over. You can't have that relationship anymore, because she's a different person, literally, chemically. But you can try to build a new one." I found that thought sad, but also very helpful. Expectations based on how things had been before were of no use to me, so I was better off just letting them go and focusing on supporting her and loving her right here and now.

If I were you, I'd tell her I loved her; vow to give her all the space she needs for as long as she needs it; let her know that I very much hoped we'd be intimate again some day, that I'm not just hanging around for that possibility, but rather because I valued the bonds we'd built and the friendship and the family; ask that we not make any big decisions now, while things are still a moving target (since, after all, the baby will change things even more than the pregnancy); and affirm that I'll go at her pace and be only as involved as she's comfortable with. Let her know that this is not some hardship she's putting on you, but your choice freely made out of caring. Then work really hard at meaning all of those things.

 

[mekodesu]

When will you complete school and move back closer to your couple?

Is there a good reason you are talking less on the phone to them lately?


I am not sure why you need to sleep between them or sit between them on the couch when you visit. If those 2 want more cuddle time when you're there, you'd probably do well to sit or lie on one side or the other, at least some of the time. Or sit in a separate chair, sleep in a different bed sometimes.

Sorry about the lack or spacing. I thought that I had originally put them in, but sometimes things post a little differently than I think. Then again, it could have been my lack of sleep, too.

As for the questions--

- I will finish school this spring, with 1-2 classes that I can finish online this summer. I am hoping to be able to move by/before next fall, but of course, that depends on employment and so on.

- Talking less (before all of this) hasn't been my decision. It was Bree's decision, as one of her preggers aversions is talking on the phone. But for me, it has spilled over into selective texting/replying, as well. Talking less at the moment is part of giving her space.

- As for the sleeping/sitting together thing, it's not a need I have. I am fine sitting elsewhere or sleeping elsewhere. It's just never been brought up or been an issue. I've just always slept in bed with them. When I move, I plan on having my own place, mostly because I do enjoy having my space, as well. Added to the fact that their families do not know, and one has family that lives very close, so...

I have apologized about the hormones thing, which was one of those things that I knew I shouldn't have mentioned as soon as I did. I'm really hoping that she forgives that.

I have asked them that we not make a huge decision like this right now, that we step back some where we need to, make the friendship aspect that much stronger (Bree's wish), and see what happens after the baby is born. Since it's a break, not a break-up, I guess that is what we are doing.

I have never expected that the relationship would stay the same, because I know there is really no way for that. In fact, the change is one thing that I am most excited about. And while I wanted a girl, luckily its a boy, and I know exactly how to interactwith/handle boys. (My ex's son just turned 16 and I raised him from 7, and my nephew.)

I have told them both that I am in this relationship because I want to be, and because I love them dearly, not because they want me there, and not because I'm being strung along.

 

[SourGirl]

Mennodaughter is right on the money with her advice to you.

I'd also say there are probably a lot of partners, traditionally male husbands, who can tell you that they go through all of this, too. It is a part of the process for a big change.

Reading your post, the thought also occurred to me that she is probably starting to be uncomfortable with the sleeping arrangements as her body changes. Not only is she looking to her primary for emotional support, but quite literally, she is physically uncomfortable. Tossing, turning, with a increasing inability to get comfy as the months go on.

I've gone through this a few times myself, as well as providing doula support a few times. Some things are just pretty consistent in pregnancies, even if it doesn`t feel that way when you are the one in the situation.

Good luck!

 

[mekodesu]

Sourgirl, some of my closest friends have told me the same thing about the hormones. However, none of them said not to mention them. It really would have been nice to know/have fair warning last week! lol But I really should have known better anyway. I just hope that it is forgiven and let go.

As for the discomfort while sleeping, I can only guess at that one. I know when I am there, she wants her space. Then they tell me that when I am not, it's different. I am guessing that is part of the nesting thing, which I didn't know about, but makes complete sense now.

I feel like one of my male troops dealing with this while on deployment (and there have been a lot of them over the years), meaning, completely lost in a lot of it, but still trying to stay afloat and not let things said get to me, or hurt my feelings. The whole thing is most def a learning curve. It's not easy, but it is worth it, especially because in a few years, Bek is going to try and conceive, as well.

 

[SNeacail]

Sourgirl, friends have told me the same thing about the hormones. However, none of them said not to mention them. I hope it is forgiven.

Apologize for giving the impression that you were being dismissive. Re-assure her that you DID hear what she said. Repeat back to her what she said. That should help.

 

[mekodesu]

We really need a like button on here. lol

I have most def apologized, and hopefully, in some way, have reassured her that I was not being dismissive (which I would never do). I take this far too seriously to do that. I guess now I just gotta prove I was listening, so there's no question.

 

[SNeacail]

Reassure her that you DID hear what she said. Repeat back to her what she said.

I guess now I just gotta prove I was listening so it's not a question.

What I have learned (fairly recently), is that what we hear is not always what someone meant. This happens all the time with my husband and me. He will claim to have "heard" what I was saying, but when I ask him to repeat it back, it's clear my message got seriously convoluted and twisted (and vice versa), hence the need to repeat stuff back.

 

[mennodaughter]

Try identifying things that speak love to Bree and show them to her. Small, insignificant things that speak directly to her heart and help her feel safe and loved. Just express them without any expectation of return and then let it speak for itself to her.

Bek has a tremendous advantage. She's there. She's seeing what's going on. She has some understanding of what Bree is going through, and she's going to be the one who gets to do the bulk of the support. That doesn't mean you can't be there and show your love, as well. It does mean you will have to tread very carefully through this, focus primarily on Bree and her needs, and let your own be on the back burner for now.

Most relationship experts will actually encourage people to not make any major relationship decisions during pregnancy, or within a year of giving birth. The hormones and life changes are just so overwhelming that it's hard to know if you're reacting from those, or making a decision you're going to be glad you made in five years.

 

[mekodesu]

Mennodaughter, that is actually what I am slightly worried about, for this next year. I actually don't know what to expect (of course). I also know that if I go and say this (I'm not insane and I do like living, ya know), let me just stop that thought before I get it out. lol

Bek most def has the advantage. I have told her that, not in a bitter way. I am slightly jealous, because of the experiences that are missed. Does that make sense?

I didn't think of the small things, but right now I have to be very cautious, or it might revert back to, "I'm not taking the situation seriously."

idk

Aarrrggggh!!!!!!

Seriously frustrating~

 

[SNeacail]

I didnt think of the small things, but right now I would have to be very cautious, or it might revert back to "I'm not taking the situation seriously." Aarrrggggh!!!!!!

Even purely platonic friends do small little things, so don't be afraid to just be a friend. My husband and I start to feel disconnected when we forget to be each others friends first.

 

[mekodesu]

That's one thing I love and value most about this relationship. We were friends first. I agree you can't forget that in a relationship, or it just... idk... starts to die, I guess. That's one thing a break allows, the continued building of that.

 

[MichelleZed]

Regardless of where your relationship is headed, a pregnant woman feels a tremendous need to retreat and have very tight support from one person, not a lot of people.

This is a generalization, and I have not found it to be true in my own pregnancy. I have had wonderful bonding experiences with my husband. Being pregnant with his child is a special time in our relationship. Still, I have also happily maintained things with my secondary man while pregnant.

YMMV with pregnant women, is what I'm saying. I'm reluctant to "blame" her pulling away from you on her pregnancy.

I will agree, however, that it would be harder to snuggle with two people in bed while hugely pregnant! I am at that point where I sort of wedge myself in at night with pillows and try to tough it out until I have to get up again to go to the bathroom. Ugh.

 

[Magdlyn]

I will agree, however, that it would be harder to snuggle with two people in bed while hugely pregnant! I am at that point where I sort of wedge myself in at night with pillows and try to tough it out until I have to get up again to go to the bathroom. Ugh.

Meko's gf is only 5 months pregnant. Some women do get hornier in their middle trimester (didn't happen to me, but I have heard this!). And they can be more comfortable than they were in the first trimester (with its nausea and fatigue), and more comfortable than in the third trimester, like you, huge and uncomfortable and needing to pee every half hour. Ugh. (Is this your first pregnancy? Most first pregnancies go 41 weeks, so I hope you have a New Year's baby and not a Christmas baby!)

Meko, my heart goes out to you, living so far away from your beloved couple and the little developing baby. I'd be a bit jealous, or envious too, if I were you. Pregnancy is a wonderful, life-changing time, and I'm sure you often wish you could be there to cook for her, or massage her feet, or do other nice nurturing things.

 

[MichelleZed]

Meko's gf is only 5 months pregnant. Some women do get hornier in their middle trimester (didn't happen to me, but I have heard this!). And they can be more comfortable than they were in the first trimester (with its nausea and fatigue), and more comfortable than in the third trimester, like you, huge and uncomfortable and needing to pee every half hour. Ugh. (Is this your first pregnancy? Most first pregnancies go 41 weeks, so I hope you have a New Year's baby and not a Christmas baby!)

Oh, sorry, wasn't paying proper attention. Yes, 5 months pregnant is awesome. Oh, to be 5 months pregnant again... I am a huge beached whale right now!

Yes, this is my first pregnancy. I'm due on the 20th, but I'm scheduled to play my last concert on the 17th, so as long as he stays in until then, I don't care if he comes at Christmas at this point... Just get him out!

Meko, I'm also sorry you're so far away from all of these goings-on. I bet part of the problem is the distance here.

 

[mekodesu]

Going into the 22nd week this week. Excited, yes, and still kind of sad about things. I haven't really talked to either of them as much since all of this began, and that hurts quite a bit. There are additional things going on with one of them, as well. I wish I could be there to support them, but right now it's hard enough to get a reply back to a text.

The distance does kill me quite a bit. I often wish things were different there. It has been very up and down this week and is affecting my thinking, emotions, everything right now.

Apparently last night the baby started hiccupping. I hate that I am missing so much.