Changing a mono relationship to poly

[Violet77]

Hello, hope you are all well!
When I get in to a relationship I get jealous and possessive, I have been putting too much pressure marcus, my bf, by making him stop following sexy women on Instagram and also acting upset and jealous because he has a lot of women friends.
I don't have that many friends and I didn't go to high-school so I've always been a little jealous of ppl with friends but especially my partner
I'm used to partners that are all about me but also I get bored with them and feel too pressured.
I'm struggling because he wants more time to himself and his friends and im trying to decide if I really need someone who is more in to me or I can be ok with having less attention than im used to.
I acted so possessive in past relationships and then my partners would just make life all about me and we barely had any outside friends or did anything without each other. I thought this was because I loved them more then Marcus but maybe it was because it was over 20 yrs ago and I had an immature point of view.

But I would get sick of it and feel trapped and feel guilty doing things without them.
So I felt like I would be happy by being less held down. Now I feel like I would be happy if Marcus was all about me. Either way I am not happy. I get codependent and can't feel ok until I get reassured by my partner.
Any way I told him we could have an open relationship so he would feel less trapped, he feels trapped because of my jealousy and control issues. Another reason for the open relationship is because I feel I need more sex and he said he wants to explore other women.
I am not sure I know who I am that well, I am in counseling now, was not for about a year.
I am afraid that he will spend even less time with me or have even less sex with me if he finds someone else.
I don't want to be without him though it seems like that may be best, but right now I'm not leaving him. I really want to work on my jelousy issue so i can feel happier and he can feel less controlled. I don't really want him to be with anyone else sexually or emotionally and I am ok with being with him only even though I don't feel I get enough emotionally or sexually from him. But also it would be nice to have another partner. I already get jealous of him having women friends so maybe opening isn't a great idea, I just really need to feel less jealous or to deal with it without attacking him. Also I feel like I want to eventually be able to be happy with non monogamy because I don't really like the serial non mogamy.

 

[breathemusic]

Opening a relationship with problems isn't going to fix it.... it's going to make it worse. I strongly recommend therapy to work through your co-dependency issues and also consider working on getting comfortable detangling your lives a bit and doing your own thing, making your own friends, and just having a life outside of your partner and figuring out how to be comfortable with that BEFORE you open up.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Look at what you write. Maybe it helps to see it like a bullet list. I added the blue words.

• I want to eventually be able to be happy with non monogamy because I don't really like the serial non mogamy.
• I already get jealous of him having women friends so maybe opening (right now)isn't a great idea
• I just really need to feel less jealous or to deal with it without attacking him.
• I really want to work on my jelousy issue so i can feel happier and he can feel less controlled.
• I don't really want him to be with anyone else sexually or emotionally
• I am ok with being with him only even though I don't feel I get enough emotionally or sexually from him.

It sounds like you eventually would like to explore open relationships. Just not right NOW because you have to spend some time getting to know your own self, build your own friend network so you don't latch on to partners so tight because they are the only ones around, and working on your codependency, jealousy and possessiveness.

Because if you don't get a better grip on those, any attempt at open relationships is just gonna be a mess.

If Marcus wants to do open relationships RIGHT NOW, and you simply are not prepared enough at this time because you have some personal work to get through first? It might be best to break up.

If you are both willing to stay together WHILE you gain the needed skills to overcome the jealousy /possessive thing in order to become more able to practice open relationships?

What would help him feel less trapped? You more able to relax?

So far you mention that you are in counseling again. And that you don't really know yourself and don't have many friends of your own. Would he be up for couple counseling? Are you willing to try some things like...

• You start making friends of your own so you can stop being envious that he has friends online and IRL?
  • You stop monitoring how he uses Instagram
  • You stop complaining some of his friends are women
• You both make a calendar schedule so there is time for...
  • being together
  • time for you on your own
  • time for him on his own
  • time for you to start making new friends
  • time for him to hang with his friends
  • time for the counseling appointments

I just really need to feel less jealous or to deal with it without attacking him.

Why do you go on the attack when you experience feelings of jealousy? How does attacking your partner make you feel any better?

Jealousy is when you have something you think others will take away. What do you worry someone will take away?

Envy is when others have something you want for yourself. What is it you want other people have and you don't?

How does the codependency aggravate the jealous/possessive thing?

I believe feelings ensue after behavior -- either action behavior or thinking behavior. What are your triggers that sets off the bad feelings?

• You observe something happening.
• You react/respond and do a behavior and it leads to ugh feelings?
• You react/respond with some THINKING, and thinking that leads to ugh feelings.
• Marcus is doing provoking words or behaviors at you.
• Something else?

What do you need to feel safe and secure in relationships that are rational and reasonable requests of a partner?

Maybe those are all things to talk to your counselor about?


Galagirl

 

[Inaniel]

....
When I get in to a relationship I get jealous and possessive, I have been putting too much pressure marcus, my bf, by making him stop following sexy women on Instagram and also acting upset and jealous because he has a lot of women friends..... I already get jealous of him having women friends so maybe opening isn't a great idea......

Agreed.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Violet,

Is this the same Marcus you spoke of in Period. Sex? What is your history with him, how long have you been with him, have you been with him on and off in the past? I know you've had a boyfriend/partner in the past who didn't treat you very well.

Here's a couple of links that might help you:

• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
• How to cope when your partner is with someone else
• More ways to cope
• The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Marcus]

I already get jealous of him having women friends so maybe opening isn't a great idea, I just really need to feel less jealous or to deal with it without attacking him.

I'm not sure I understand the plan, is it that you are hoping to get some exposure therapy going? I can't see that a person who is extremely high on the insecurity/jealousy spectrum is going to fair well in an experiment like this.

Opening a relationship with problems isn't going to fix it

This is definitely true. It is far more likely that taking this step will merely accelerate the rate of decay in the association.

It is a profoundly positive endeavor to try and minimize the impact that our insecurity has on our relationships. It's tough stuff and requires a great deal of internal scrutiny, redesigning our internal monologue, and taking on ultimate responsibility for our feelings. I hope that you decide to go down this path, regardless of the outcome of your current association.

 

[Violet77]

Hi Violet,

Is this the same Marcus you spoke of in Period. Sex? What is your history with him, how long have you been with him, have you been with him on and off in the past? I know you've had a boyfriend/partner in the past who didn't treat you very well.

Here's a couple of links that might help you:

• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability
• How to cope when your partner is with someone else
• More ways to cope
• The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hello, it is a different person then the period sex post, thank you!

 

[Violet77]

Opening a relationship with problems isn't going to fix it.... it's going to make it worse. I strongly recommend therapy to work through your co-dependency issues and also consider working on getting comfortable detangling your lives a bit and doing your own thing, making your own friends, and just having a life outside of your partner and figuring out how to be comfortable with that BEFORE you open up.

This is what I was thinking...thank you!

 

[Violet77]

Opening a relationship with problems isn't going to fix it.... it's going to make it worse. I strongly recommend therapy to work through your co-dependency issues and also consider working on getting comfortable detangling your lives a bit and doing your own thing, making your own friends, and just having a life outside of your partner and figuring out how to be comfortable with that BEFORE you open up.

This is very smart thank you!

 

[Violet77]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Look at what you write. Maybe it helps to see it like a bullet list. I added the blue words.

• I want to eventually be able to be happy with non monogamy because I don't really like the serial non mogamy.
• I already get jealous of him having women friends so maybe opening (right now)isn't a great idea
• I just really need to feel less jealous or to deal with it without attacking him.
• I really want to work on my jelousy issue so i can feel happier and he can feel less controlled.
• I don't really want him to be with anyone else sexually or emotionally
• I am ok with being with him only even though I don't feel I get enough emotionally or sexually from him.

It sounds like you eventually would like to explore open relationships. Just not right NOW because you have to spend some time getting to know your own self, build your own friend network so you don't latch on to partners so tight because they are the only ones around, and working on your codependency, jealousy and possessiveness.

Because if you don't get a better grip on those, any attempt at open relationships is just gonna be a mess.

If Marcus wants to do open relationships RIGHT NOW, and you simply are not prepared enough at this time because you have some personal work to get through first? It might be best to break up.

If you are both willing to stay together WHILE you gain the needed skills to overcome the jealousy /possessive thing in order to become more able to practice open relationships?

What would help him feel less trapped? You more able to relax?

So far you mention that you are in counseling again. And that you don't really know yourself and don't have many friends of your own. Would he be up for couple counseling? Are you willing to try some things like...

• You start making friends of your own so you can stop being envious that he has friends online and IRL?
  • You stop monitoring how he uses Instagram
  • You stop complaining some of his friends are women
• You both make a calendar schedule so there is time for...
  • being together
  • time for you on your own
  • time for him on his own
  • time for you to start making new friends
  • time for him to hang with his friends
  • time for the counseling appointments

Why do you go on the attack when you experience feelings of jealousy? How does attacking your partner make you feel any better?

Jealousy is when you have something you think others will take away. What do you worry someone will take away?

Envy is when others have something you want for yourself. What is it you want other people have and you don't?

How does the codependency aggravate the jealous/possessive thing?

I believe feelings ensue after behavior -- either action behavior or thinking behavior. What are your triggers that sets off the bad feelings?

• You observe something happening.
• You react/respond and do a behavior and it leads to ugh feelings?
• You react/respond with some THINKING, and thinking that leads to ugh feelings.
• Marcus is doing provoking words or behaviors at you.
• Something else?

What do you need to feel safe and secure in relationships that are rational and reasonable requests of a partner?

Maybe those are all things to talk to your counselor about?


Galagirl

Im responding to thought questions you wrote but i will bring this up at counseling, though i don't think they will be super open to poly and i can't afford a specialty documented. I guess I think attacking with anger releases my anger and I feel slightly better because I would feel worse or like I'm Brooding if I hold it in.
I guess in the long run it makes me feel worse because it breaks our bond but in the moment it helps me release.

I worry others will take away our relationship, or my dignity, or my feelings of confidence or loving my self and body, as though they would be better or better looking, which comes from me comparing and judging which in turn makes me do that to myself and not love myself. Also he is somewhat mentally disabled so I'm afraid he won't have energy for more then one person.

I guess I want self confidence and the type of body that I find attractive and others have but I don't.

Because I don't feel okay when I am away from him or he responds to a text in a way I find threatening or detached..

Usually I'm thinking he likes someone and they are better looking or more accomplished then I am or he has sexual thoughts about them and then I feel sad and abandoned and disrespected.
He is super about his friends to the point it seems like he cares about them as much or more than me, im not used to that so I don't feel loved, I know this isnt how he sees it, I want to be treated like I'm special, he says he does. But one time he asked me to come to his job because his coworker had cramps and he wanted me to bring her some supplements, I felt super disrespected by that and don't like my partner talking to other women about their period. It seems a boundary crossed.
Another thing is I feel so betrayed enough just by any of my partners thinking about another woman sexually that I don't think it would be much different if they actually did it..

I think I need assurance and physical affection to feel secure in relationships and fun things planned for me some times as well as vice versa.
Thank you for your help!

 

[Violet77]

I'm not sure I understand the plan, is it that you are hoping to get some exposure therapy going? I can't see that a person who is extremely high on the insecurity/jealousy spectrum is going to fair well in an experiment like this.



This is definitely true. It is far more likely that taking this step will merely accelerate the rate of decay in the association.

It is a profoundly positive endeavor to try and minimize the impact that our insecurity has on our relationships. It's tough stuff and requires a great deal of internal scrutiny, redesigning our internal monologue, and taking on ultimate responsibility for our feelings. I hope that you decide to go down this path, regardless of the outcome of your current association.

Yes, exposure therapy on myself would be the plan. Thank you!

 

[GalaGirl]

I guess I think attacking with anger releases my anger and I feel slightly better because I would feel worse or like I'm Brooding if I hold it in.
I guess in the long run it makes me feel worse because it breaks our bond but in the moment it helps me release.

Where did you learn this way of expressing anger? Maybe counselor could help you express anger in healthier ways so you aren't using your partner like some kind of emotional punching bag. You seem to recognize that long term, behaving like that can damage the relationship.

But one time he asked me to come to his job because his coworker had cramps and he wanted me to bring her some supplements, I felt super disrespected by that and don't like my partner talking to other women about their period. It seems a boundary crossed.

I don't mind if coworker asks me for help because they need a bandaid, a Tylenol, a tampon, a safety pin, whatever. Sometimes that happens at work. People help out other coworkers in a bind. Usually though, if period related, women ask other women first. Not like a dude is gonna have extra tampons in their purse. Did she even ask him to get her supplements or he just assumed she needed or would want this and then asked you to do shopping for other people?

Does your partner's mental disability make it so he doesn't "get" social cues or "unspoken rules?"

Another thing is I feel so betrayed enough just by any of my partners thinking about another woman sexually that I don't think it would be much different if they actually did it..

You believe partners fantasizing about others is the same thing as them cheating on agreements and betraying you?

How are they supposed to date on their side of things if you are in an open relationship or poly relationship without breaking agreements then? Only pursue people they aren't attracted to?

How do you even know what they think in their heads? Or do you assume they think X, and then react based on you thinking they think X?

Does your current partner's mental disability mean he has "no filter" so he blurts whatever he's thinking and hearing this pains you?

The rest looks like this to me if I bullet list. I don't know if that helps you any to take to your counselor.

WORRIES

• He is mentally disabled so afraid he won't have energy for more than one person. And I'll be the one he dumps.
• The people he dates will not actually share his time and attention fairly but will contrive to take away our relationship
• The people he dates will not treat me with dignity
• The people he dates will take away my feeling confident about myself

WHAT I WANT FROM PARTNER

• I want to feel special
• I want physical affection
• I want mutuality -- fun things planned for me some times as well as vice versa.
• I want my reasonable and rational boundaries respected. They are.... (you'd have to list)

WHAT I WANT FROM MYSELF

I want to stop this cycle:

• I compare myself to the people he's interested in, dates and judge myself as "lesser than."
• Then I tell myself the other person is better looking than me, more accomplished than me, or sexier to him than me. I do "down talk" about myself to myself.
• Then after listening to this self down talk? I feel sad, abandoned and disrespected.
• I will start respecting myself more by doing ______ instead.

I want to grow these skills/abilities:

• Become more self confident
• Become more comfortable when he's away
• Become able to receive his texts without perceiving them as threatening to me
• Become able to receive his texts without perceiving them as him detaching/abandoning me
• Become able to share his time with his friends without telling myself he cares about them more than me
• Be able to say "no" when partner asks me to do stuff I don't want to do.

Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

Yes, exposure therapy on myself would be the plan. Thank you!

I think it's a profoundly bad idea, but I'm excited to see the end result.

Keep us posted!

 

[Violet77]

Where did you learn this way of expressing anger? Maybe counselor could help you express anger in healthier ways so you aren't using your partner like some kind of emotional punching bag. You seem to recognize that long term, behaving like that can damage the relationship.



I don't mind if coworker asks me for help because they need a bandaid, a Tylenol, a tampon, a safety pin, whatever. Sometimes that happens at work. People help out other coworkers in a bind. Usually though, if period related, women ask other women first. Not like a dude is gonna have extra tampons in their purse. Did she even ask him to get her supplements or he just assumed she needed or would want this and then asked you to do shopping for other people?

Does your partner's mental disability make it so he doesn't "get" social cues or "unspoken rules?"



You believe partners fantasizing about others is the same thing as them cheating on agreements and betraying you?

How are they supposed to date on their side of things if you are in an open relationship or poly relationship without breaking agreements then? Only pursue people they aren't attracted to?

How do you even know what they think in their heads? Or do you assume they think X, and then react based on you thinking they think X?

Does your current partner's mental disability mean he has "no filter" so he blurts whatever he's thinking and hearing this pains you?

The rest looks like this to me if I bullet list. I don't know if that helps you any to take to your counselor.

WORRIES

• He is mentally disabled so afraid he won't have energy for more than one person. And I'll be the one he dumps.
• The people he dates will not actually share his time and attention fairly but will contrive to take away our relationship
• The people he dates will not treat me with dignity
• The people he dates will take away my feeling confident about myself

WHAT I WANT FROM PARTNER

• I want to feel special
• I want physical affection
• I want mutuality -- fun things planned for me some times as well as vice versa.
• I want my reasonable and rational boundaries respected. They are.... (you'd have to list)

WHAT I WANT FROM MYSELF

I want to stop this cycle:

• I compare myself to the people he's interested in, dates and judge myself as "lesser than."
• Then I tell myself the other person is better looking than me, more accomplished than me, or sexier to him than me. I do "down talk" about myself to myself.
• Then after listening to this self down talk? I feel sad, abandoned and disrespected.
• I will start respecting myself more by doing ______ instead.

I want to grow these skills/abilities:

• Become more self confident
• Become more comfortable when he's away
• Become able to receive his texts without perceiving them as threatening to me
• Become able to receive his texts without perceiving them as him detaching/abandoning me
• Become able to share his time with his friends without telling myself he cares about them more than me
• Be able to say "no" when partner asks me to do stuff I don't want to do.

Galagirl. you have no idea how incredibly helpful this is to me, its really hard to know what to ask myself and figure out thank you so much for your wisdom I feel like I can recover from this pain. I only grew up with my mom and she was either not around or sad or angry and yelling mostly.

I think it's a profoundly bad idea, but I'm excited to see the end result.

Keep us posted!

Ok, thanks for the advice

 

[Violet77]

Where did you learn this way of expressing anger? Maybe counselor could help you express anger in healthier ways so you aren't using your partner like some kind of emotional punching bag. You seem to recognize that long term, behaving like that can damage the relationship.



I don't mind if coworker asks me for help because they need a bandaid, a Tylenol, a tampon, a safety pin, whatever. Sometimes that happens at work. People help out other coworkers in a bind. Usually though, if period related, women ask other women first. Not like a dude is gonna have extra tampons in their purse. Did she even ask him to get her supplements or he just assumed she needed or would want this and then asked you to do shopping for other people?

Does your partner's mental disability make it so he doesn't "get" social cues or "unspoken rules?"



You believe partners fantasizing about others is the same thing as them cheating on agreements and betraying you?

How are they supposed to date on their side of things if you are in an open relationship or poly relationship without breaking agreements then? Only pursue people they aren't attracted to?

How do you even know what they think in their heads? Or do you assume they think X, and then react based on you thinking they think X?

Does your current partner's mental disability mean he has "no filter" so he blurts whatever he's thinking and hearing this pains you?

The rest looks like this to me if I bullet list. I don't know if that helps you any to take to your counselor.

WORRIES

• He is mentally disabled so afraid he won't have energy for more than one person. And I'll be the one he dumps.
• The people he dates will not actually share his time and attention fairly but will contrive to take away our relationship
• The people he dates will not treat me with dignity
• The people he dates will take away my feeling confident about myself

WHAT I WANT FROM PARTNER

• I want to feel special
• I want physical affection
• I want mutuality -- fun things planned for me some times as well as vice versa.
• I want my reasonable and rational boundaries respected. They are.... (you'd have to list)

WHAT I WANT FROM MYSELF

I want to stop this cycle:

• I compare myself to the people he's interested in, dates and judge myself as "lesser than."
• Then I tell myself the other person is better looking than me, more accomplished than me, or sexier to him than me. I do "down talk" about myself to myself.
• Then after listening to this self down talk? I feel sad, abandoned and disrespected.
• I will start respecting myself more by doing ______ instead.

I want to grow these skills/abilities:

• Become more self confident
• Become more comfortable when he's away
• Become able to receive his texts without perceiving them as threatening to me
• Become able to receive his texts without perceiving them as him detaching/abandoning me
• Become able to share his time with his friends without telling myself he cares about them more than me
• Be able to say "no" when partner asks me to do stuff I don't want to do.

Galagirl

I guess I assume what they are thinking and act on that thought
He asked his coworker why she looked like she was feeling off and then, he asked me to bring supplements that he had given me and before had suggested I use when I had my period.

I'm kind of over that tho, now I'm feeling fear all the time because his mental illness keeps making him go back and forward about wanting to be with me, he claims its not the .entail illness but I beleive it is partially at least.

I guess I feel betrayed even if my partner is sexually attracted to someone, even tho thats not a reasonable boundary. So I guess I will just kind of feel betrayed either way so they may as well be happy and have other relationships. Amd I work on my issues.
I learned the expression anger from my mom, no dad, mostly she was not around or yelling or crying, I know how this affects my relationships.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm feeling fear all the time because his mental illness keeps making him go back and forward about wanting to be with me, he claims its not the .entail illness but I beleive it is partially at least.

What are you afraid of? He'll dump you? That you can't cope on your own? Something else?

I guess I feel betrayed even if my partner is sexually attracted to someone, even tho thats not a reasonable boundary. So I guess I will just kind of feel betrayed either way so they may as well be happy and have other relationships.

Odd thinking to me.

Why throw your own self under the bus and plunge into open relationship you don't sound ready for? Your partner is supposed to feel happy watching you do that?

Esp when earlier you said

I don't really want him to be with anyone else sexually or emotionally

If you are going to feel betrayed either way? How about NOT opening the relationship right now so you have less stress? Like one load only -- betrayal stuff. And not like double load -- betrayal + adusting to new relationship model.

Like if you cannot get to "happy" right now... at least REDUCE some of the "sads" rather than piling on more stuff to deal with?

If listening to this partner go back and forth upsets you? And you don't feel like you get enough emotionally or sexually from him anyway? You can end it with him. Then you can just focus on working on your issues.

I get trying exposure therapy... but to me in your state? It just sounds like a new fancy way to keep on being your own self bully.

You have inherent dignity, worth, and value. What has to change or happen for you to give yourself permission to start treating yourself with dignity, like you are worth something, like you are valuable?

I hope you have a counseling appt scheduled soon so you can get help with some of these heavy burdens you are carrying.

Galagirl

 

[Violet77]

What are you afraid of? He'll dump you? That you can't cope on your own? Something else?



Odd thinking to me.

Why throw your own self under the bus and plunge into open relationship you don't sound ready for? Your partner is supposed to feel happy watching you do that?

Esp when earlier you said



If you are going to feel betrayed either way? How about NOT opening the relationship right now so you have less stress? Like one load only -- betrayal stuff. And not like double load -- betrayal + adusting to new relationship model.

Like if you cannot get to "happy" right now... at least REDUCE some of the "sads" rather than piling on more stuff to deal with?

If listening to this partner go back and forth upsets you? And you don't feel like you get enough emotionally or sexually from him anyway? You can end it with him. Then you can just focus on working on your issues.

I get trying exposure therapy... but to me in your state? It just sounds like a new fancy way to keep on being your own self bully.

You have inherent dignity, worth, and value. What has to change or happen for you to give yourself permission to start treating yourself with dignity, like you are worth something, like you are valuable?

I hope you have a counseling appt scheduled soon so you can get help with some of these heavy burdens you are carrying.

Galagirl

I guess I want to stay with him, I have a counseling appointment on Monday. You are on point for everything you are saying. I am afraid he will dump me, before we had plans to travel together and I don't want to let that go, we can't right now because we where going to go to Europe but there is no travel there right now. I know I could go by myself, idk I don't want to let him go, I know ill be ok without him...

 

[Violet77]

I guess I want to stay with him, I have a counseling appointment on Monday. You are on point for everything you are saying. I am afraid he will dump me, before we had plans to travel together and I don't want to let that go, we can't right now because we where going to go to Europe but there is no travel there right now. I know I could go by myself, idk I don't want to let him go, I know ill be ok without him...

It would be more fun to travel there with someone who knows their way around and meet his fun friends he told me about

 

[HaloOnFire]

It would be more fun to travel there with someone who knows their way around and meet his fun friends he told me about

Do you have any other friends or family that could make the trip? I know that sometimes going with people we are not in romantic relationships with is a different kind of fun and adventure that you may need right now.

 

[Violet77]

Do you have any other friends or family that could make the trip? I know that sometimes going with people we are not in romantic relationships with is a different kind of fun and adventure that you may need right now.

Yea maybe, he just broke up with me today also, im really sad