I'm as clear as mud....
Wow, Anne. I want to date YOU!
(I am mostly joking, but your brain is HOT!)
I think we were spending way too much time together. Up until my trust was stomped all over, we were spending about three days/two nights a week together. When they violated (good word, because that's how I felt-- I was fucking PISSED!) my trust, I asked for a weekend off, and then suggested we go to once a week. But we ended up having three more long weekends together anyway, none of which went very well, because I was still (is this too dramatic a word?) TRAUMATIZED.
I do understand why it happened, but that didn't mean that it didn't pulverize my heart/mind/body.
Even before that, I was starting to feel pressured. I've been pretty vocal about the way I feel. I mostly feel respected... but a lot of that is lip service, in my opinion, and they really just want to get down to the sexin.'
Thanks for helping me see that my meltdowns aren't abnormal. Owen has asked me a couple of times, "Do you really think you're poly?" since I've said, "That's it! I'm taking a frickin' break for a couple of weeks." My response is that maybe in theory I am polyamorous, but in actuality it's just too weird for me. I think what is closer to the truth is that their "bad behaviour" (that's not the only instance, to be clear) has made me feel unsafe, and like I'm a third wheel to the level of desire/NRE they share.
I actually had to ask them to watch their pronouns, as they were using the words "us" and "we" so much that it was starting to drive me nuts.
No, I would not date Phoebe on my own. I find her too reserved, too awkward and not feminine enough for my personal tastes. I also feel envious of the way she gloms onto Owen physically all the time, but barely touches me unless we're all in bed together.
I did think about dating someone else, when Mags gave me the advice to get some of my own NRE. I even put up an ad, and found this rad guy. He was really down to earth and kind. We went on a date. And then, I was like, wtf am I doing? We got on so great. He was sexy, stable, in an open marriage, looking for exactly what I would be... if I weren't in such a shitty place right now. I feel like starting something now would NOT BE SMART. I don't want to complicate everything even more when I have some stuff to figure out first.
I don't know if I'd trust this whole situation enough to have Owen see Phoebe on his own. They've already broken my trust, and that's kind of enough for me, on some level.
I have had some pretty dishonest partners in the past, and it makes me a little extra-knee-jerky when it comes to bullshit.
Yeah, in some ways, because I started this, I think I should be all evolved, and have it all figured out, like I should be navigating these shark-infested waters like a pro. Instead, I'm choking on saltwater and wondering why the hell my life raft isn't working.
As for seeing Phoebe as a friend, she's said that she isn't capable of just being his friend, as she finds him too sexy, but that she could be my friend, as that's what she's used to. I don't want to be her friend, though, to be honest. I'm too pissed right now to even want to see her. I feel like even though I've had all of these issues, they think that it's just going to keep on going like normal. I think that's why I've been kind of trying to force myself to be okay with them "vee-ing off." But really, it's not what I want.
I'm taking a solid break, like two, maybe three weeks, and I kind of want Owen to do the same. Like, NO CONTACT-- no texting, no emailing, no fakebooking, no phone, NOTHING! Is that unreasonable?
I have made an appointment with our regular marriage counsellor. But they know nothing about polyamory, which sucks, because I would REALLY like a poly-friendly counsellor who also does cognitive.
I want to have some time with just the two of us, and re-evaluate if it's worth continuing to give polyamory a shot.
Phoebe keeps saying she's willing to do the work, willing to process. I can sense her impatience, though, and I don't like how much Owen defends her and sticks up for her, after only knowing her for three months. (Frickin' NRE makes me want to strangle everyone involved right now!)
All of this makes me feel heinously unsafe.
Owen keeps saying "Oh, I fucked it up," in regards to the naked-in-bed day. I keep saying no one person fucked it up, and that while I hold him accountable, I don't blame him, and neither should he. I say that it's a valuable learning lesson for the future, and that we need WAY better rules that he'll actually frickin' respect.
